'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[AltheHibby]

3 men met at a party and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

“I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."

The second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

The third guy was silent until he the other two prodded him.

“Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe

[Scouse Hibee]

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

[Keith_M]

I've just started a rock band as a tribute to both Chris Rea and Dire Straits.

I'm calling it 'Dire-Rea'.

[Babyshamble]

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with only fools and horses....
I said OK
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van....

[AltheHibby]

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
"I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit

[Keith_M]

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
"I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit


Oops! (https://www.hibs.net/showthread.php?206921-smart-jokes-so-bad-they-re-good&p=7486382&viewfull=1#post7486382)

:greengrin

[AltheHibby]

Oops! (https://www.hibs.net/showthread.php?206921-smart-jokes-so-bad-they-re-good&p=7486382&viewfull=1#post7486382)

:greengrin

In my defence, I only saw it today and at my age my memory doesn't go back to last week, never mind any earlier!

[Keith_M]

In my defence, I only saw it today and at my age my memory doesn't go back to last week, never mind any earlier!


:greengrin

[Moulin Yarns]

I got fired from my job, because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”.

Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.

[AltheHibby]

I got fired from my job, because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”.

Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.

Oy, you. I came here to post that!

[Moulin Yarns]

Oy, you. I came here to post that!

😂

Must have seen it in the same place.

[AltheHibby]

😂

Must have seen it in the same place.

Marianas Z on Twitter?

[grunt]

My mate’s having a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party, it’s called a Chinese Burns night.
I wasn’t going to go but he twisted my arm.

[AltheHibby]

My neighbors Bill and Judy invited me over for dinner. Bill had grilled a chicken and as we sat down he said, “B#&#&#&#£& still didn’t tell me why he crossed the road.”

[Hibbyradge]

Guy goes into a bakers.
A sign says "Cakes £1 today"
Guy says "I'd like that one, please."
"Certainly, sir, that'll be £2."
Guy says, "£2?"
Yes, that's Madeira cake.

[weedgiehibbie]

I’m really obsessed with playing in my heavy metal tribute band.

We’re called OCDC.

[speedy_gonzales]

This should probably be in the Driving pet peeves thread, but I was pulled over recently by the Police for some nonsense infraction.
They looked at my license and said "you're supposed to be wearing glasses".
I said I have contacts.
He said he didn't care who I know!

[Kato]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20240301/52f7d3dfddc7af7aee2d05a0359b483e.jpg

Sent from my SM-A528B using Tapatalk

[AltheHibby]

My Aunt Eva used to make homemade chicken soup she called 'Chicken Napoleon' because she made it from the bony parts.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

What did the farmer say about his best performing scarecrow? He was outstanding in his field.

[Hibbyradge]

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

[Alfiembra]

I’ve been married 40 years and I have a safe in my house that Ive told my wife she’s not allowed to open it.


Last week I came home and the safe door is open and she confronts me with what’s in it.
She says there’s £40000 in there and 3 eggs.


She asked me what are the eggs all about?


I said well every time Ive had an affair I put an egg in the safe.
She’s obviously very disappointed but says well I suppose 3 affairs in 40 years isn’t so bad. So what about the money.


I said well every time I make up a dozen I sell them.

[alhibby]

Just seen a pensioner in the local supermarket car park collecting trolleys, He must have been pushing 80

[Moulin Yarns]

I had a visit to the dentist the other day, it's a shame about the titanic.

[babahibs]

I’m really obsessed with playing in my heavy metal tribute band.

We’re called OCDC.

Have you heard OCDC's latest album?

Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged

[Hibbyradge]

My boss says he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture.

I've got a hunch it could be me!

[Moulin Yarns]

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[alhibby]

My dad always said "when one door shuts, another one opens"

He never could sell that Skoda.

[blackpoolhibs]

Just watched the new chubby checker film, has a right good twist at the end.

[Moulin Yarns]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.

[Moulin Yarns]

I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s.

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…

[Pedantic_Hibee]

I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s.

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…

Funnily enough I was in a bar last week and Bono and the Edge walked in and the barman said 'oh no, not you two again!' 🙈😂

[Hiber-nation]

My mate asked me why I wear a hi-vis jacket all the time.

I said I wouldn't be seen without it

[weedgiehibbie]

It's been said that it's impossible to make a pun out of a vegetable but that's not neccecellery true

[Alfiembra]

It's been said that it's impossible to make a pun out of a vegetable but that's not neccecellery true

That’s a turnip for the books.

[Northernhibee]

Just got a job working in a spaghetti hoops factory.

They were impressed with my canned ooooo attitude.

[Keith_M]

The difference in the way men's and women's minds work can cause serious communication issues...


I was reading the paper the other day and my wife said to me, "I think I've got Tinnitus".

I looked across at her, and replied, "naw hen, they look awrite to me".

[WeeRussell]

Been rain forecast but clear skies all day. So I asked my siri, “surely it’s not going to rain today?”

Siri replied “It is not going to rain today. And don’t call me Shirley”

It was then I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

[Keith_M]

Been rain forecast but clear skies all day. So I asked my siri, “surely it’s not going to rain today?”

Siri replied “It is not going to rain today. And don’t call me Shirley”

It was then I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.


:faf:

[Hibbyradge]

Been rain forecast but clear skies all day. So I asked my siri, “surely it’s not going to rain today?”

Siri replied “It is not going to rain today. And don’t call me Shirley”

It was then I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Is this some kind of joke?

[Just Alf]

Been rain forecast but clear skies all day. So I asked my siri, “surely it’s not going to rain today?”

Siri replied “It is not going to rain today. And don’t call me Shirley”

It was then I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.Ha ha [emoji23]

[RyeSloan]

Is this some kind of joke?

I believe you need to channel your inner Leslie Neilson for it to be so…

[Scouse Hibee]

Been rain forecast but clear skies all day. So I asked my siri, “surely it’s not going to rain today?”

Siri replied “It is not going to rain today. And don’t call me Shirley”

It was then I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
Brilliant

[Hibbyradge]

I believe you need to channel your inner Leslie Neilson for it to be so…

Sorry, but you whooshed...

[RyeSloan]

Sorry, but you whooshed...

Aye I kind of knew that as soon as I posted it.

Immediate thought was I’m sure the radge got that, I’m sure he was doubling down on the many decades ago humour…

But I really couldn’t be ersed deleting or changing it so resigned myself to taking a good whooshed straight to the napper [emoji2957]

[Alfiembra]

Had a job interview the other day and got asked if I can perform under pressure?

I said no but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody.

[Northernhibee]

The 80’s singer Yazz just got fired from her job.

She was never going to make it as a lift attendant.

[AltheHibby]

What do you call a group of witches in a jacuzzi?

A self cleaning coven.

[Keith_M]

What do you call a group of witches in a jacuzzi? A self cleaning coven. More a question than a joke, but...

If witches can fly on a broomstick, why do I have to drive my missus to the shops?

[AltheHibby]

More a question than a joke, but...

If witches can fly on a broomstick, why do I have to drive my missus to the shops?

Just in case either of our wives reads this, I w8sh to distance myself from your reply!

[Keith_M]

Just in case either of our wives reads this, I w8sh to distance myself from your reply! :greengrin:

[weedgiehibbie]

In the capital of Ethiopia there is a famous nightclub sponsored by an equally famous sports brand that plays only music from Sweden's most popular band.

It's Addis Ababa's Adidas Abba bar.

:taxi

[Kato]

In the capital of Ethiopia there is a famous nightclub sponsored by an equally famous sports brand that plays only music from Sweden's most popular band.

It's Addis Ababa's Adidas Abba bar.

:taxiAha!

Sent from my SM-A528B using Tapatalk

[Hibrandenburg]

Gallons, litres, pints and cubic meters!

I know this won't mean much to most folks but it speaks volumes to me.

[Hibbyradge]

"Did David Hasslehoff really change his name to "Hoff"?"

"Yes, it was less hassle that way."

[Alfiembra]

Just bought 50 litres of Tippex………Big Mistake!

[Bridge hibs]

Three chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem more American.
Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck, and Fu got sent back to China.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

B.N.A.G.. to me that's bang out of order.

[weedgiehibbie]

Went n a date witha dentist this weekend.

Went well.

She wants to see me again in 6 months time

[blackpoolhibs]

What's Everton and Jermaine jenas got in common?

Neither will be on match of the day next season.

[Bridge hibs]

My mate has a bad stutter, by the time he told us his Nana had passed we were all singing Hey Jude

[AltheHibby]

A group of men kicked in my door today, demanding to know my favourite vegetable.
I wasn't expecting the Spinach Inquisition!!!

[Northernhibee]

Just seen a French footballer playing video games.

It was Thierry on Wii.

[Keith_M]

I thought I'd got lucky at B&Q today.


I asked one of the female employees where the painting and decorating sections were and she said "Aisle B, C 'n U"

So I replied, "oh lovely, just say where and when and I'll be there"

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

My grandfather was a soldier during WW2, seemingly he had the heart of a lion, banned from Edinburgh Zoo though.

[Bridge hibs]

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool.

Police have said the road will be closed for about five minutes!

[Keith_M]

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool.

Police have said the road will be closed for about five minutes!


ScouseHibee will be ragin' at that.






Though mostly because he wasn't there. :wink:

[Bridge hibs]

ScouseHibee will be ragin' at that.






Though mostly because he wasn't there. :wink:Sorry Scouse 😃

[Scouse Hibee]

ScouseHibee will be ragin' at that.






Though mostly because he wasn't there. :wink:

😡FFS I’m in that neck of the woods just now, missed out again!

[Scouse Hibee]

Sorry Scouse 😃

😂

[Keith_M]

😡FFS I’m in that neck of the woods just now, missed out again!



:tee hee:

[Hibs Go Bragh]

With the bad snow at the weekend I went round to my elderly neighbour to see if they needed anything from the shops.

She did.

So I gave her my list.

No point in us both going out in that weather.

[babahibs]

My mate has a bad stutter, by the time he told us his Nana had passed we were all singing Hey Jude

:faf:

[Jim Herriot]

The space between Xmas and Hogmanay is called the Merryneum.

[Hibbyradge]

The space between Xmas and Hogmanay is called the Merryneum.

😃👍

[J-C]

Bilbo woke one morning in Bag End to find that a Tesco superstore had been built next door.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.

[J-C]

I said to my phone, " Siri, will it rain today?" Siri replies, "No it won't and stop calling me Shirley".
That's what happens when I leave my phone on Airplane mode.

[StevieT]

I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday. It was the least i could do.

[grunt]

https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_fullsize/plain/did:plc:llqn5labwenmp4e4tye2mj2m/bafkreibyr64fyriscvauhssealtxm63vejejtlp6xxkhr5y5s 6vfbs7gbu@jpeg

[AltheHibby]

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've put your poor ol' mother through? And yer brother and me too?”

Crying, the girl replied, "I know, I'm so sorry, Da. I met a man but he dumped me and I had to do terrible things to survive. I became a prostitute. But I've done well!”

“A what!?!?! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family. Now you'll be needin' to leave before your poor mother comes round…now go!” her father shouted.

“As you wish, Da,” the girl sobbed. I only came to give Mam the old O'Riley estate and castle so she and you could live out your years in comfort, having others do for you and poor mum for a change.”

“And for my dear brother Declan I got a nice Rolex watch because I know how much he loves watches…and I brought a new Aston Martin DB10 for YOU, Da.”

“I also wanted to invite you all for as long as you'd like on my 290' yacht on the French Riviera. I'm so sorry to have hurt you all but I'll leave, I don't want to hurt anybody anymore..."

At this point her father said, "Now hold on lass, what is it ye said you've gone and done with yerself?"

"I became a prostitute, Da,” she answered.

"A prostitute!” he shouted. "Sure and begorrah as God is my witness, ya scared me half to death, lass! I thought you said you'd become a Protestant! Now come here and give yer old Da a hug.”

[Hibbyradge]

In ancient Rome, there were four main types of poison.

Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV… just made you really itchy.

[StevieT]

A guy was in his hospital bed and asked the nurse for the use of a bed pan which she duly delivered. The guy was disappointed as he only passed wind. This happened for three days in a row so on day four he decided not to ask and to just let rip. Unfortunately their was a huge follow through and the bed was in one hell of a mess.
Embarrassed, he got out of bed and threw his bed sheets out of the window where they landed on top of a drunk who was passing by several floors below
The drunk was trying to remove the sheets from himself when a policeman passed by and asked what was going on.
The drunk said that he wasn't sure but that he thought that he had just beaten the **** out of a ghost.

[AltheHibby]

Not a joke, but a request for a link.

Does anyone have a link to the Rikki Fulto sketch where he buys all the adult magazines, then asks for a Sunday Post, saying "it's no fur me, ye Ken?"

[Moulin Yarns]

°A professor finds himself sitting next to a farmer on a train. Bored, the professor decides to propose a game to pass the time.
“I’ll ask you a question,” the professor says. “If you can’t answer, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question. If I can’t answer, I’ll give you $500. What do you say?”

The farmer nods in agreement.

°The professor starts, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The farmer silently pulls out $5 and hands it to the professor.

°Now it’s the farmer’s turn. He asks, “What animal has three legs when climbing a mountain and four legs when coming down?”
The professor is stumped. He racks his brain, searches for logical explanations, and even consults his notebook, but he can’t find an answer. Frustrated, he hands over $500 to the farmer.

The farmer takes the money with a smile and leans back to take a nap.

°Curious and unwilling to let it go, the professor shakes the farmer awake and asks, “Alright, what animal is it?”
The farmer silently pulls out $5, hands it to the professor, and goes back to sleep.

[Donegal Hibby]

A man in Donegal driving to a football match comes across a wee boy crying at the side of the road …

He stops and the wee boy says he’s ran away from home . The man asks ‘ can I take you back to your mummy and daddy’s? … the wee boy replies ‘ no they beat me’…

the man then asks ‘ what about I take you back to your gran and grandads ? ‘ to which the wee boy replies ’ No they beat me sometimes too’ …

The man then asks ‘ would you like to go to the football match and watch Finn harps then? ‘ .. to which the wee boy answers ‘ yes , they don’t beat anyone.

[Bridge hibs]

An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”

The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”

Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”

The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”

[Moulin Yarns]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the barkeep to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[J-C]

A mother is reading from a bible story book to her son, "Lot was told to take his wife and flee but Lot's wife looked round and was turned into a pillar of salt".

The wee boy said " oh! That's a shame, what happened to the flea?"

[Hibs Go Bragh]

This morning I found a suitcase with a fox and six cubs. Really worried about this I phoned the RSPCA and the girl asked if they were moving.

I said "I've no idea, but it would explain the suitcase"

[patch1875]

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

[weedgiehibbie]

Neil Diamond’s favourite dessert is anything sweet, caramelised.

[J-C]

Just checked my home insurance and if my blanket get stolen I'm not covered.

[Bridge hibs]

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi, it's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

[AltheHibby]

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi, it's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

That made me laugh a Lidl.

[J-C]

A neighbour asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel, I now wish I said spaniel.

[Hibs Go Bragh]

A neighbour asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel, I now wish I said spaniel.

😂😂 that’s a good one.

Reminds me of the I M Jolly joke. A waitress came over and whispered in my ear to ask if I wanted super sex. I said if it’s all the same to you darling I’ll just have the soup!

[Caversham Green]

A neighbour asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel, I now wish I said spaniel.

Not a joke, but I was discussing the then Reading player Simon Cox with a bunch of mates. Most were being fairly derogatory about him but I chimed in with "I actually like Cox........but I'm never saying that out loud again."

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Line from an Easter Panto production of Rapunzel...." her name was Rambling Rose, because she was no use in a bed but fantastic up against a wall " Adults and older kids ending themselves. Younger ones laughing just because.

[Onceinawhile]

What did homer say when he got back from the shops having forgotten the most important ingredient for making pizza with marge and the kids?

Looks like i need to go back to the shop.

[Bridge hibs]

I see the guy who invented spell check has passed away, may he rust in piss

[Scouse Hibee]

I was shown a picture of two pastors and asked if I could name them. I had no idea of the name of the pastor on the right but it was definitely Pastor Duchie on the left hand side.

[Bridge hibs]

I bumped into a cock eyed Woman today, she said you should look where you are going, I replied you should go where you are looking

[Caversham Green]

I see the guy who invented spell check has passed away, may he rust in piss

His funfair will be hello next Sunshine.

[weedgiehibbie]

Did you know that Katy Perry ws not the first female pop star to go into space?

That was Lady Gagarin

[Moulin Yarns]

Did you kniw that Katy #Perry ws not the firt female pop star to go into space?

That was Lady Gagarin

Might want to do a bit of editing 🤔

[weedgiehibbie]

Might want to do a bit of editing 🤔

Oops :greengrin ha :thumbsup:

[Pedantic_Hibee]

What’s white and wears tartan trousers?

Rupert the Fridge.

[J-C]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club.
The bouncer said: ``Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.''

[J-C]

Once dated a twin and my mate said, do you ever get them mixed up? No problems I said, Susan wears pink nail varnish and Peter has a beard.