PDA

View Full Version : 'smart' jokes, so bad they're good



Pages : 1 [2] 3 4 5

sleeping giant
20-07-2016, 03:42 PM
I'm stealing these .

Apologies in advance .

Scouse Hibee
23-07-2016, 11:43 AM
Guy goes into the same pub once a year for three years on the same date every July, orders three pints of lager drinks them and leaves. On the fourth year the barman remembers him and asks why he only comes once a year and drinks three pints.
The guy explains that 4 years ago he was finally reunited with two army colleagues who he served with in the second world war,one lives in Australia,the other in Canada. They vowed to each have a round of drinks every year on the anniversary of their reunion hence the three pints. The barman remembered the date and sure enough twelve months later the guy appeared and orderered only two pints of lager. "I'm so sorry said the barman, has one of your friends passed away"? "No" replied the guy. "my mate in Canada is on antibiotics so can't drink"

SonOfDavidFrancey
23-07-2016, 02:19 PM
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says 'can I have a martinus please?'
Barman says: 'don't you mean a martini?'
Julius Caesar says, 'If I wanted a double I'd have asked for one.'


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hiberniankb
23-07-2016, 08:05 PM
What do u call the girl in the middle of the tennis court?


Annette

Jonnyboy
23-07-2016, 09:54 PM
3 guys in the dock in front of a cock-eyed judge

Judge says to the first guy, "How do you plead" and the second guy says "Not Guilty" to which the judge replies "I wasn't speaking to you" and the third guy says "I never opened my mouth"

Hibrandenburg
26-07-2016, 07:41 AM
That's a belter :faf:

Was worried that it might lose something in translation like most German jokes but this one actually works. :greengrin

blackpoolhibs
12-11-2016, 10:14 PM
Sad news tonight in show business, Glen Campbell has alzheimer's he's getting cards and messages from people he doesn't even know.

weedgiehibbie
12-11-2016, 11:51 PM
I just set myself up as a self employed fishmonger.

No employees yet, I'm a sole trader.

stevie-bee
13-11-2016, 09:43 PM
I was at a fundraiser disco for dyslexia Scotland
Everything was going brilliant until the DJ put on YMCA

DrSpaceMonkey
14-11-2016, 01:20 AM
Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.

Northernhibee
14-11-2016, 07:11 AM
I'm stealing these .

Apologies in advance .

Don't get it.

Scouse Hibee
14-11-2016, 08:15 AM
A one eyed guy walks into a bar.....

Peevemor
14-11-2016, 08:54 AM
A skeleton walks into a bar -

"A pint of lager and a mop please."

Hibrandenburg
14-11-2016, 09:04 AM
A uniped hops in to a bar......

--------
17-11-2016, 11:29 AM
I remember that as a Reverend I M Jolly New Year classic. :greengrin


I believe it originated with the the late, great, Chic Murray?

"I was in London the other week. A chap came up to me and asked, 'D'you know the Battersea Dog's Home?' I answered, 'No - I didn't know he'd been away ...'"

beensaidbefore
24-11-2016, 08:15 PM
Not a clever joke, but I thought it was funny.

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Stinky baws! 😂

Pete
24-11-2016, 08:25 PM
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".

Speedy
26-11-2016, 08:58 AM
I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

It's going to be as big as the last two put together.

grunt
26-11-2016, 11:08 AM
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

alhibby
26-11-2016, 07:13 PM
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo ?
Ones a little heavy and the other is a little lighter.

stevie-bee
01-12-2016, 10:35 PM
People think I am stupid because I have a lisp.

I am getting thick of it

Thief
02-12-2016, 12:12 AM
I used to like tractors.
I don't like tractors any more.
I'm an extractor fan. [emoji41]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just Jimmy
02-12-2016, 02:42 AM
I bet on a horse the went off at 5/1




Came in at ten past two.

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk

jodjam
15-12-2016, 07:25 PM
Mates meeting in Shakespeare's on Lothian Road for our xmas night out

Trouble is I'm bard

sleeping giant
16-12-2016, 06:14 PM
People think I am stupid because I have a lisp.

I am getting thick of it

:faf:

Jim44
19-12-2016, 05:06 PM
I've started a business building yachts in my attic. sails are going through the roof.

snooky
19-12-2016, 05:20 PM
Got laid off as a roofer for being drunk at work.
That's the last time I'm having a night on the tiles.

blackpoolhibs
23-12-2016, 08:26 PM
Said to my mate "I saw the ex UKIP leader and the 'Simply The Best' singer leaving on an aeroplane together this morning"
"Farage & Tina?"
"No, for Brazil I think!!..

HUTCHYHIBBY
25-12-2016, 01:41 AM
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Alfiembra
29-12-2016, 04:55 PM
Three red indian squaws, all pregnant, all sitting on animal skins.
The first squaw was sitting on a bear skin
The second squaw was sitting on a buffalo skin
The third squaw who was expecting twins was sitting on a hippopotamus skin



Which only goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

Mixu62
30-12-2016, 09:06 AM
My doctor just gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him and the judge have gave me 15 years.

sleeping giant
30-12-2016, 10:07 AM
Three red indian squaws, all pregnant, all sitting on animal skins.
The first squaw was sitting on a bear skin
The second squaw was sitting on a buffalo skin
The third squaw who was expecting twins was sitting on a hippopotamus skin



Which only goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.



Brilliant . Stealing that anaw :-)

Alfiembra
30-12-2016, 07:40 PM
Met a bloke in the pub who claimed he was a clairvoyant.
He was an annoying sod, every time I tried to speak he kept laughing at me.
I was getting so wound up that I couldn't stand him laughing at me all the time so I punched him.

Always like to strike a happy medium.

heretoday
31-12-2016, 07:16 AM
I went for a job in a mirror shop but I just couldn't see myself working there.

weedgiehibbie
31-12-2016, 10:51 PM
My new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants...

Roll on 2017!

sleeping giant
01-01-2017, 02:57 AM
My new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants...

Roll on 2017!

I've stopped using shampoo :agree:

Honestly :greengrin:

sleeping giant
01-01-2017, 03:22 AM
Three red indian squaws, all pregnant, all sitting on animal skins.
The first squaw was sitting on a bear skin
The second squaw was sitting on a buffalo skin
The third squaw who was expecting twins was sitting on a hippopotamus skin



Which only goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.


I've just tried to tell that at a party :faf:

What a state. I'm sure I sounded like I had Tourette's .

--------
02-01-2017, 02:47 PM
I've started a business building yachts in my attic. sails are going through the roof.


I know how you get the yacht out of the attic when you're finished.

You just break the bottle. :greengrin

Caversham Green
02-01-2017, 05:50 PM
There's been an explosion at a French cheese factory.

Debris everywhere.

Ayrshire Hibee
03-01-2017, 03:01 PM
Who circumcised Moby Dick?

4 skin divers!

Ayrshire Hibee
03-01-2017, 03:03 PM
What do you call 2 Spanish Firemen?

Hose A & Hose B

Ayrshire Hibee
03-01-2017, 03:04 PM
quasimodo got paid off.........got a Lump Sum & a Bottle of Bells

Captain Trips
04-01-2017, 11:19 PM
quasimodo got paid off.........got a Lump Sum & a Bottle of Bells

And a years back pay as well

Captain Trips
04-01-2017, 11:23 PM
Quasimodo is getting chased down the streets by loads of kids he turns and says

"piss off I've not got your ball"

steve75
06-01-2017, 03:38 PM
I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

Hibrandenburg
06-01-2017, 04:54 PM
I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

Now that lives up to the thread title :greengrin

snooky
06-01-2017, 05:42 PM
Now that lives up to the thread title :greengrin

:agree: It's in a different 3.45234 miles. :wink:

sleeping giant
06-01-2017, 05:46 PM
I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

Mate , that's poor.
Very poor indeed. Probably the worst joke I have ever heard :greengrin:

Geo_1875
12-01-2017, 10:10 AM
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

Donald Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.

Alfiembra
12-01-2017, 08:38 PM
Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

Mixu62
16-01-2017, 05:43 AM
I got drunk last night while playing scrabble with friends and accidentally swallowed about 8 pieces. My next **** could spell disaster.

stevie-bee
16-01-2017, 06:10 PM
Heard this on the radio today , kid in the kitchen

Why didn't the toilet roll cross the road ?
Because it was stuck in the crack

Billy Whizz
21-01-2017, 06:17 PM
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”


Donald is soon moving into the White House

HUTCHYHIBBY
22-01-2017, 11:01 AM
Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.

snooky
22-01-2017, 01:57 PM
(From Viz 'Top Tips')

If the police come to your house to arrest you just tell them you're wrapping Christmas presents and they can't come in.

Scouse Hibee
22-01-2017, 02:49 PM
Pretty sure the snowman I just seen was as pissed as a fart. He was totally melted.

snooky
31-01-2017, 07:49 PM
The fishing was so bad this year up our way that even the liars didn't catch any.

SanFranHibs
31-01-2017, 07:52 PM
My wife really needs to go on a diet. Last weekend we went to the opera and no-one would leave until she sang.





Bob Monkhouse

SanFranHibs
31-01-2017, 07:53 PM
I got drunk last night while playing scrabble with friends and accidentally swallowed about 8 pieces. My next **** could spell disaster.

:greengrin

sleeping giant
01-02-2017, 08:37 AM
The fishing was so bad this year up our way that even the liars didn't catch any.

:faf:

SuperAllyMcleod
01-02-2017, 09:13 AM
I always give 100% - I think that may be why I lost my job marking exam papers.

Alfiembra
04-02-2017, 08:45 AM
In the game of golf bad shots come in threes.
if you hit a 4th bad shot it's the start of the next 3.

rodhibs55
08-02-2017, 12:41 PM
Guy goes into a cafe for a coffee and piece of cake.
Notices the carrot cake is £1, Battenburg is £1 in fact everything is £1 apart from one offering, its £2.
Guy says to the proprietor how come everything is £1 apart from that piece over there that is £2.
Proprietor says
Thats Madeira cake.

WeeRussell
08-02-2017, 01:08 PM
Hear about the guy teaching his dog to pee in the gutter?

Fell off the roof and killed himself.

snooky
08-02-2017, 01:12 PM
Guy goes into a cafe for a coffee and piece of cake.
Notices the carrot cake is £1, Battenburg is £1 in fact everything is £1 apart from one offering, its £2.
Guy says to the proprietor how come everything is £1 apart from that piece over there that is £2.
Proprietor says
Thats Madeira cake.

:faf:

Hibbyradge
08-02-2017, 01:24 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. You see, several years ago Frank died, and I married his ****ing wife."

Hibbyradge
08-02-2017, 01:31 PM
I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

It's going to be as big as the last two put together.

Excellent.

snooky
08-02-2017, 01:55 PM
When I asked a Rabbie Burns buff how "Tam O'Shanter" ended, he gave me a detailed explanation.

Geo_1875
09-02-2017, 03:15 PM
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?


Cos he's married.

alhibby
10-02-2017, 03:33 PM
I've just bought a new aftershave called Breadcrumbs....................the birds love it

Future17
13-02-2017, 02:21 PM
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?


Cos he's married.

:greengrin

Franck Stanton
15-02-2017, 09:23 PM
On that note, Ever seen Stevie Wonders wife ? Nether's he.
-----------------------------------------------------
Superman is flying around Metropolis. Everything is very quiet and peaceful. No crime, no disasters, - nothing happening so decides to fly over to Gotham to visit his old pals Batman and Robin.
He knocks at the door to Wayne Mansion and when Albert answered finds out that they are both away on holiday as there is no crime.
No problem says Superman, I'll just go and see the Fantastic 4. No joy there either so visits captain America.
Still no joy he decides to just give up and fly home.
As he flies over New York he sees Wonder Woman, lying naked atop a skyscraper.
He thinks, I have always fancied her, I could fly down there and do the business at super-speed and be away before she knows whats happened.
He does the dirty deed and flies off .
Wonder Woman opens her eyes wide and says " What was that?"
Just then the invisible man stands up and says "I don't know but my rse really hurts".

SuperAllyMcleod
15-02-2017, 09:41 PM
I used to get a Valentines card every year and I didn't know who it was from. This is the first year I never got one and I missed it and feel sad.

It's been a terrible year, first my gran died and then this!

snooky
22-02-2017, 07:57 PM
Storm Doris is hitting the UK on Thursday apparently.
Some smarty pants are calling tomorrow Doris Day

snooky
23-02-2017, 07:19 PM
"The fundamental difference between Edinburgh and Glasgow is ...
when you hear a gun going off in Edinburgh you know it's one o'clock."

Kevin Bridges

Jim44
24-02-2017, 06:58 PM
A spokesman for the Mexican Government, when asked about Trump's wall said. " We are not very happy but we'll get over it."

--------
25-02-2017, 12:12 PM
I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

It's going to be as big as the last two put together.


:not worth

Scouse Hibee
25-02-2017, 12:42 PM
Have I already told you my deja vu joke.

Scouse Hibee
25-02-2017, 12:47 PM
Went to the dentist in agony with a splinter in my gum. Cocktail stick? said the dentist. No I replied, baked stake and tatties.

beensaidbefore
25-02-2017, 09:36 PM
Not really a joke, but quite funny. In Fraserburgh, you could ask 'fit fit fits fit fit' and expect to get an answer!😂

HappyAsHellas
27-02-2017, 11:30 AM
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About three stone.

Godsahibby
27-02-2017, 01:42 PM
I asked my mate what made him move to Switzerland, he said the flags a big plus!

snooky
27-02-2017, 05:34 PM
My great grandfather fell at Waterloo.............. somebody pushed him off the platform.

SuperAllyMcleod
27-02-2017, 05:50 PM
I'm getting the impression that people posting on this thread are ignoring both the word 'smart' and 'good'.

easty
27-02-2017, 06:37 PM
I'm getting the impression that people posting on this thread are ignoring both the word 'smart' and 'good'.

I dinnae get it...

SuperAllyMcleod
27-02-2017, 08:17 PM
I dinnae get it...

Now that's quite good and smart!

I should have made clear it was a comment and not a joke [emoji4]

Scouse Hibee
27-02-2017, 10:53 PM
Hear about the head chef on Mastermind? He said PASS on every question and got them all right.

alhibby
28-02-2017, 11:50 AM
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

--------
28-02-2017, 03:24 PM
Everything that goes up must come down - but there comes a time when not everything that's down is gonna come up.


Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Who has your dinner ready for you on the table, the TV turned to your favourite channel, and a freshly-made bed turned down and waiting?

It means you're in the wrong house.

Have I already posted my deja vu joke?


Sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope.



Have I already told you my deja vu joke.


OI! Watch it! :grr:

Scouse Hibee
28-02-2017, 06:29 PM
OI! Watch it! :grr:

I'm sure you said that to me once before.

--------
01-03-2017, 10:10 AM
I'm sure you said that to me once before.

:faf: :aok:

DH1875
04-03-2017, 02:46 AM
If you jumped of a river bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

Mixu62
04-03-2017, 09:35 PM
I can't remember how to write 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I AM LIVID.

StevieT
07-03-2017, 01:14 PM
What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony (toe-knee)

Hibbyradge
10-03-2017, 12:18 PM
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/17192076_1876385165908397_4233701006900501831_o.jp g?oh=3c04ba06d5bfab100f021bf67db2c3c8&oe=59672FF4

Hibrandenburg
10-03-2017, 05:06 PM
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/17192076_1876385165908397_4233701006900501831_o.jp g?oh=3c04ba06d5bfab100f021bf67db2c3c8&oe=59672FF4

:faf:

snooky
10-03-2017, 05:19 PM
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/17192076_1876385165908397_4233701006900501831_o.jp g?oh=3c04ba06d5bfab100f021bf67db2c3c8&oe=59672FF4

:top marks Took me a few moments to get it - but that made it even funnier. :greengrin

easty
10-03-2017, 06:05 PM
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/17192076_1876385165908397_4233701006900501831_o.jp g?oh=3c04ba06d5bfab100f021bf67db2c3c8&oe=59672FF4

Very good 😂

weedgiehibbie
10-03-2017, 08:43 PM
When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.

He's my non-biological father.

Alfiembra
11-03-2017, 07:41 AM
When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.

He's my non-biological father.

Is your name Soapy Souter? :greengrin

heretoday
11-03-2017, 09:42 AM
I know what a pekingese is but what's a shih tzu?

One that doesn't have any penguins.

Caversham Green
28-03-2017, 07:48 AM
I know what a pekingese is but what's a shih tzu?

One that doesn't have any penguins.

:grr: Deja Vu repeating itself there (post 207).

Anyway, my Bonny Tyler satnav kept telling me to turn around so I exchanged it for a Fleetwood Mac one.

That keeps telling me I can go my own way.

Peevemor
28-03-2017, 08:03 AM
Did you hear about the guy that took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?

grunt
28-03-2017, 08:12 AM
Anyway, my Bonny Tyler satnav kept telling me to turn around so I exchanged it for a Fleetwood Mac one.

That keeps telling me I can go my own way.

That's better than my U2 satnav which takes me where the streets have no name. I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Scouse Hibee
28-03-2017, 08:14 AM
Walked out of Costa this morning when the guy started speaking a foreign language to me.I asked for coffee in English and he replied "Di Caff", must be Italian or something?

Hibrandenburg
28-03-2017, 01:50 PM
That's better than my U2 satnav which takes me where the streets have no name. I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Don't even consider getting an AC/DC one.

Hibrandenburg
28-03-2017, 09:11 PM
Did you hear about the guy that took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?

Nope, too thick for that one. :confused:

snooky
28-03-2017, 09:13 PM
Nope, too thick for that one. :confused:

Harr! harr!

Peevemor
28-03-2017, 09:13 PM
Nope, too thick for that one. :confused:
Ahem... (missed)... ahem.

Hibrandenburg
28-03-2017, 09:29 PM
Ahem... (missed)... ahem.

Aaaah, so it's a bit like the guy who tried to shoot his wife in the fog and mist?

Mixu62
29-03-2017, 01:58 AM
Woman on death row the night before her execution. Prison guard says to her "what do you want for your last meal?" She replies "I dunno what do you feel like?"

Alfiembra
29-03-2017, 05:21 PM
What does DNA stand for?



National Dyslexic Association

Dyslexia rules KO

Hibbyradge
06-04-2017, 03:09 PM
Woman on death row the night before her execution. Prison guard says to her "what do you want for your last meal?" She replies "I dunno what do you feel like?"

Nope . . .

stevie-bee
10-04-2017, 09:00 PM
Said to my wife u look slim in black , she said put the light on

Future17
19-04-2017, 12:53 PM
Woman on death row the night before her execution. Prison guard says to her "what do you want for your last meal?" She replies "I dunno what do you feel like?"


Nope . . .

A critique, based on the stereotype, of the indecisive nature of the female of the species I believe.

Peevemor
19-04-2017, 12:55 PM
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to stop masturbating."

"Why Doctor?"

"Because I'm trying to speak to you."

oldbutdim
19-04-2017, 02:13 PM
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"

Hibrandenburg
19-04-2017, 05:31 PM
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"
:faf:

snooky
19-04-2017, 06:10 PM
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"

:slipper:

:wink:

beensaidbefore
19-04-2017, 08:49 PM
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"


Excellent.

Geo_1875
05-07-2017, 09:53 AM
This might be of interest to some of you.
The price of pies.
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean..

Caversham Green
05-07-2017, 12:29 PM
What are buccaneers?

They're the things on the sides of your buckin' head.

WeeRussell
07-07-2017, 11:36 AM
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"

Genuinely... sent this to a lassie I know.. to which she replied:

"OMG my Mum and Dad are called Teresa and Alan!".

What are the chances. :greengrin

ian cruise
07-07-2017, 10:17 PM
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets.

Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Hibrandenburg
16-07-2017, 05:05 PM
My girlfriend has dumped me because of predictive text. She's still convinced I want to kick her puppy.

CropleyWasGod
16-07-2017, 05:14 PM
My girlfriend has dumped me because of predictive text. She's still convinced I want to kick her puppy.
Mine dumped me because of my obsession with the Monkees.

I thought she was joking....

And then I saw her face.

Sent from my SM-A510F using Tapatalk

jabis
25-07-2017, 08:34 PM
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to stop masturbating."

"Why Doctor?"

"Because I'm trying to speak to you."

Is that a line from the next doctor who ?

stevie-bee
28-07-2017, 08:32 PM
An Egyptian drove past me the other day and tooted at me then mooned at me ,
Bloody tooting car moon

DH1875
31-07-2017, 01:08 PM
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the newspaper. The headline reads: 12 Brazilian soldiers killed. He shakes his head at the sad news and turns to the man sitting next to him and asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

sleeping giant
31-07-2017, 07:03 PM
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the newspaper. The headline reads: 12 Brazilian soldiers killed. He shakes his head at the sad news and turns to the man sitting next to him and asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

:faf:

Mixu62
02-08-2017, 11:07 AM
When people go under water in movies i like to hold my breath to see if I could have survived the situation.

I nearly died in finding nemo.

ancient hibee
02-08-2017, 03:30 PM
Girl at Halloween party. "Ducking for apples? Change one letter and it's the story of my life".


Sex is bad for one but it's good for two

DH1875
01-09-2017, 12:06 PM
What's the difference between Tynecastle stadium and a porcupine?

All the pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

Future17
03-09-2017, 09:21 AM
https://www.indy100.com/article/intelligence-jokes-smart-humour-lols-clever-people-understand-quips-7871181

snooky
03-09-2017, 10:21 AM
https://www.indy100.com/article/intelligence-jokes-smart-humour-lols-clever-people-understand-quips-7871181

Loved the plastic surgery one :greengrin

--------
06-09-2017, 10:54 AM
A logician's wife had just had a baby.

The midwife handed the child to the father.

The mother asked him, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

He answered, "Yes."


:faf::faf::faf::faf::faf:

sleeping giant
06-09-2017, 04:47 PM
A logician's wife had just had a baby.

The midwife handed the child to the father.

The mother asked him, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

He answered, "Yes."


:faf::faf::faf::faf::faf:

:faf:

Billy Whizz
12-09-2017, 11:55 AM
No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


He won a trip around the world and the admiration of all!!

Hibrandenburg
12-09-2017, 06:28 PM
No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


He won a trip around the world and the admiration of all!!:greengrin

snooky
13-09-2017, 04:10 PM
Barry Crier joke:
A couple going out for dinner, and she's in the bathroom trying on a new dress, and she came out of the bathroom and said to her husband, "Does my bum look big in this?" He said, "Oh be fair, love, it's quite a small bathroom".

alhibby
13-09-2017, 04:19 PM
Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...

Captain Trips
13-09-2017, 11:24 PM
Egyptian Taxi driver?

Toot and come oot.

Moulin Yarns
14-09-2017, 05:40 AM
Egyptian Taxi driver?

Toot and come oot.

Surely it is Toot and come in ? :confused:

blackpoolhibs
19-09-2017, 05:04 PM
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

Geo_1875
25-09-2017, 12:54 PM
I was out drinking with my mates, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 12 missed calls from my wife.

Is she insecure or what? That's an average of 6 calls a day.

snooky
26-09-2017, 09:14 PM
Guy goes to the doc to get the results of his recent medical check up.
Patient - "Okay doc, what do the results tell us?"
Doc - "Hmmm .... don't go buying any green bananas"

blackpoolhibs
28-09-2017, 11:43 AM
Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

snooky
28-09-2017, 12:01 PM
Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

:faf:

No doubt his lid will get more screws than the average man. :wink:

ancient hibee
28-09-2017, 01:50 PM
Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin


I'm sure someone will undertake to do it.

snooky
28-09-2017, 03:27 PM
As some other guy said, you can't really say he's gone to a better place ... ! :wink:

Greenfly
02-10-2017, 10:30 PM
Sincere apologies if it's been posted already but ...

2 elephants fall off a cliff ... ... ... boom, boom!

ancient hibee
18-10-2017, 06:04 PM
"Would you like a cake or a meringue?"

"No you're quite right I'd like a cake."

Moulin Yarns
18-10-2017, 08:54 PM
I think this thread deserves a green award for recycling

Caversham Green
19-10-2017, 08:34 AM
First wifie - "I hear yer man's work's paying off six fitters - you must be worried."

Second wifie - "Naw we're alright, my Davey's only five foot seven."

Captain Trips
19-10-2017, 10:53 PM
Surely it is Toot and come in ? :confused:

Nope toot and come oot, taxi toots you come out house to then get in.

Captain Trips
19-10-2017, 10:55 PM
Invisible mans girlfriend is breaking up with him she just said she really couldn't see him anymore.

Hibrandenburg
21-10-2017, 09:19 AM
Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?

Hibrandenburg
21-10-2017, 09:20 AM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

ancient hibee
22-10-2017, 07:08 PM
"Have you got any haddock?"

"sorry Mrs.McTavish none left".

"Well I'll have two bits of salmon but could you have another look for haddock?"

"No definitely none."

"I'll have some cod as well but I'm not sure you're looking properly for the haddock."

"Mrs.Mctavish we have no haddock.We have no h-a-d-d-o-f-c-k haddock."

"There's no eff in haddock".

"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last 5 minutes."

alhibby
26-10-2017, 09:42 PM
I've just found out that the chippy in Sellafield has closed down.

What a shame, they used to serve a lovely leg of cod there.

over the line
12-11-2017, 12:05 PM
Man walks into a bar with a big strip of Tarmac over his shoulder. He says "pint of lager for me and one for the road".

over the line
12-11-2017, 12:09 PM
Good luck getting the lid down on Hugh Heffners coffin

I hear the fella who invented the throat lozenge is being buried tomorrow. Apparently there'll be no coffin' at his funeral.

snooky
24-11-2017, 11:37 AM
My ex always liked ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so this year I've bought her a toaster.

Eaststand
27-11-2017, 11:15 AM
A man walks into a Pet Shop and asks, "do you sell painkillers" ?

The shop owner replies nah mate "Paracetamol"


GGTTH

Alfiembra
27-11-2017, 07:09 PM
Man walks into a pub with a biscuit tin and a duck under his arm. He puts the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck on top of the tin, immediately the duck starts dancing. Everyone in the bar is fascinated by the dancing duck including the landlord and the bar is heaving. Word gets out and sales are going through the roof, everyone wants to see the dancing duck.


The landlord says to the man would you please sell me your dancing duck name your price, I’ve never had such a busy night in here, he’ll be great for business. OK says the man but dancing ducks don’t come cheap. Whatever it takes says the landlord, the man replies I’ll need £500 for me duck.


The landlord pays the man and the bar is bursting at the seams everyone watching the dancing duck. Closing time comes and the bar empties but the duck is still dancing on the biscuit tin he clears up and about an hour after the bar shut the duck is still dancing. So the landlord phones the man, it’s about the duck he says, what’s wrong says the man, nothings wrong says the barman how do you get it to stop dancing?


Ah that’s easy says the man just lift the lid of the biscuit tin and blow out the candle.

lord bunberry
28-11-2017, 01:46 PM
I went to a gymnastics instructor and asked if she could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you” she asked, I said “I can’t make tuesdays”.

Hibrandenburg
01-12-2017, 10:55 AM
Went to bed last night with my mobile phone under my pillow. Woke up this morning and it was gone and in its place a pound coin.

Damn you Bluetooth Fairy.

Pete
01-12-2017, 11:50 AM
Saw this **** from Kirkcaldy the other day walking along the road with only one shoe on.

I said “mate, you’ve lost a shoe”.

He said: “Naw av no, I’ve found yin”

beensaidbefore
01-12-2017, 06:00 PM
American tourist on cruise round Antarctica asks the guide, what is the distance between the black, and white penguins.

The black ones are walking away from you and the white ones are walking towards you...

Mixu62
07-12-2017, 12:11 PM
If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?

Future17
07-12-2017, 02:48 PM
American tourist on cruise round Antarctica asks the guide, what is the distance between the black, and white penguins.

The black ones are walking away from you and the white ones are walking towards you...

I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!

Hibrandenburg
07-12-2017, 03:32 PM
I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!

It's the way he tells them.

beensaidbefore
07-12-2017, 06:05 PM
I spent ages trying to understand this before I realised you'd put "distance" instead of "difference"!

Bloody spell check, and looking at it again it's not really told very well anyway! Sort bout that😂😂

beensaidbefore
07-12-2017, 06:06 PM
It's the way he tells them.

Haha, exactly. Plenty spare tickets for my comedy show...

sleeping giant
08-12-2017, 12:10 AM
Bloody spell check, and looking at it again it's not really told very well anyway! Sort bout that😂😂

:faf:

Hibrandenburg
09-12-2017, 04:58 PM
A mate of mine has opened a Christmas ice rink over the festive period and is charging 50p an hour. What a ****ing cheapskate.

Hibrandenburg
22-12-2017, 08:23 PM
My wife phoned the local radio station today, to enter their Christmas mystery prize competition.
She was lucky and got through to the DJ,

"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..

"That's Fantastic!" she called out in delight.

"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Berlin University," she proudly replied, "and I continued studying for my doctorate"

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to the next Edinburgh derby in the Hearts end and to meet the Hearts players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"

"7", She replied....

Just Alf
22-12-2017, 09:24 PM
That last post 100% reflects the thread title lol!

Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk

sleeping giant
23-12-2017, 12:48 AM
How do you think the unthinkable ?


With an ithberg :-)

Mibbes Aye
23-12-2017, 01:24 AM
My favourite is from the Fringe, a few years ago, by a stand-up called Fin Taylor:

"...My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious"

Hibrandenburg
24-12-2017, 03:50 PM
Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

Hamish
24-12-2017, 03:58 PM
Anybody know the attendance at Yankee Stadium in the last game of 2016? Doesn't have to be exact, a ballpark figure will do.

Caversham Green
24-12-2017, 04:39 PM
It was Christmas Eve many years ago. Santa had overdone the whisky and mince pies the previous night and Mrs Claus was hoovering around him and complaining that he never did any housework. The elves were way behind schedule and threatening to strike for better working conditions. Once again they had forgotten to put batteries in with the presents. Rudolf was complaining that the other reindeer wouldn't let him join in their reindeer games.

Then a fairy appeared and said 'Hey Santa, what should I do with this tree?'

And that children, is why you see a fairy at the top of the Christmas tree.

Hibrandenburg
29-12-2017, 08:24 PM
Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
It was rubbish.

There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

Mr White
29-12-2017, 09:45 PM
Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
It was rubbish.

There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

:tee hee:

Colr
30-12-2017, 09:07 AM
Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
It was rubbish.

There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

snooky
30-12-2017, 10:17 AM
Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
It was rubbish.

There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

Top drawer :aok:

stoneyburn hibs
30-12-2017, 12:08 PM
Just watched the pilot show of CSI Kirkcaldy .
It was rubbish.

There were no dental records and everyone had the same DNA.

Brilliant

Hibrandenburg
20-01-2018, 09:18 AM
Some of my friends are holding a joint Chinese new year/Burns night. I didn't fancy it at first but they twisted my arm.

Hibbyradge
20-01-2018, 09:46 AM
My favourite is from the Fringe, a few years ago, by a stand-up called Fin Taylor:

"...My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious"



:top marks:

blackpoolhibs
31-01-2018, 07:15 PM
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Hibrandenburg
01-02-2018, 08:58 AM
Now the window is closed, Liverpool fans are gutted they didn't get Bale, but they're back in court on Monday and might get it then.

--------
01-02-2018, 09:02 PM
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Now the window is closed, Liverpool fans are gutted they didn't get Bale, but they're back in court on Monday and might get it then.


Guys! Guys! :tsk tsk:

Scouse Hibee
01-02-2018, 10:11 PM
Guys! Guys! :tsk tsk:

Just as well I have chosen not to be offended. 😅

blackpoolhibs
05-02-2018, 08:54 PM
An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a ****ing liar'

Peevemor
05-02-2018, 09:24 PM
An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a ****ing liar'Superb!

Colr
07-02-2018, 08:44 PM
When do cows go on holiday?

When they have a wee calf.

Craig_HFC
07-02-2018, 09:18 PM
When do cows go on holiday?

When they have a wee calf.

Ten cows are standing in a field. Which one is from the Middle East?

Coo Eight.

Hibbyradge
07-02-2018, 10:17 PM
There seems to be an animal theme developing, so ...

An old bull and a young bull stand on a hillside, overlooking a field in which several cows are grazing.

The young bull says to the old bull, “Hey, let’s run down the hill and f*** one of those heifers.”

The old bull replies, “No, let’s walk down and f*** all of them.”

DH1875
08-02-2018, 08:52 AM
Why did the cow go to the cinema?

Cause it wanted to see a MOOvie.

*Not reading through the whole thread so if its been done before, sue me.

Hibbyradge
08-02-2018, 10:38 AM
Why did the cow go to the cinema?

Cause it wanted to see a MOOvie.

*Not reading through the whole thread so if its been done before, sue me.

You're safe, DH.

Nobody will have told that one. Believe me. :tee hee:

Peevemor
08-02-2018, 10:46 AM
You're safe, DH.

Nobody will have told that one. Believe me. :tee hee:

I'm not sure everyone has the same definition of "smart"...

DH1875
08-02-2018, 12:52 PM
I'm not sure everyone has the same definition of "smart"...

Well its up there with 3 jokes posted before it :greengrin

Moulin Yarns
08-02-2018, 01:32 PM
Well its down there with 3 jokes posted before it :greengrin

STFY :wink:

snooky
08-02-2018, 03:18 PM
Well its up there with 3 jokes posted before it :greengrin

Let's get all the old cow jokes out now and be done with them.

Why do cows have bells round their necks? Because their horns don't work. <groan>

Geo_1875
08-02-2018, 03:50 PM
What animal would you see at the Edinburgh Tattoo?

A miltary coo.

--------
09-02-2018, 10:36 AM
What animal would you see at the Edinburgh Tattoo?

A miltary coo.


What do you call a coo with a machine gun and a number 7 on its back?

A right-wing military coo. :devil:

lord bunberry
09-02-2018, 11:19 AM
There seems to be an animal theme developing, so ...

An old bull and a young bull stand on a hillside, overlooking a field in which several cows are grazing.

The young bull says to the old bull, “Hey, let’s run down the hill and f*** one of those heifers.”

The old bull replies, “No, let’s walk down and f*** all of them.”
I’ve been laughing at this joke for ages and I don’t really know why :faf:

sleeping giant
09-02-2018, 01:49 PM
When we getting back to smart jokes ? :-)

Hibbyradge
09-02-2018, 04:56 PM
I’ve been laughing at this joke for ages and I don’t really know why :faf:

It's a belter, that's why.

Because of that joke, there are loads of people to whom the nickname "young bull" applies.

hibby6270
11-02-2018, 12:51 AM
When you’re halfway through eating that scabby horse, you’re not as hungry as you first thought!

Alfiembra
11-02-2018, 07:16 AM
A man was driving through the countryside when his car broke down, not knowing what was wrong he stood looking under the bonnet scratching his head. He was parked next to a field which had two horses in it, all of a sudden one of the horses came trotting over to him. To his amazement the horse spoke to him.

“Broken down” asks the horse.
The man is speechless, a talking horse.
”Have you run out of petrol” asks the horse.
The man still amazed says, “No I only filled up a few miles back”
The horse then says “Give the battery leads a wiggle, make sure they’re on tight”
The man checks the leads and sure enough one was loose, he tightens it up try’s the starter and the car bursts into life.
The man is over the moon “Thank you so much” he says to the horse.
”No problem” says the horse and trots back off to the other horse.

The man drives off and a few miles down the road spots a cafe and decides to stop for a coffee.
While getting served he chats to the owner.
” The strangest thing just happened to me, my car broke down a few miles back and I didn’t know what was wrong with it. I was beside a field and this horse came over and started talking to me. I couldn’t believe it, then the horse told me how to fix my car”

The owner of the cafe looked at the man quizzically and said.
”Was it a black horse or a white horse”
”A black horse” says the man.
”Ah you were lucky then” replied the owner.
” The white horse knows **** all about cars”

beensaidbefore
18-02-2018, 05:18 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

CAMHFC
18-02-2018, 09:00 PM
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?

Get your jacket on, the doctor's taking us out tonight 😀

Hibrandenburg
23-02-2018, 12:10 AM
There are 2 things on earth you can see from space:

1. The Great Wall of China

2. Footballs leaving Tynecastle and burning on re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere

blackpoolhibs
26-02-2018, 10:30 PM
A woman from Hinckley Leicestershire (pictured here) has lost her case at Leicester magistrates court today, after she tried to sue the "Royal infirmary " Her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.
Mrs DeMinger of Hinckley aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e's not interested 'n me and it's all down to them twats" !
The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was removed Fred's Cataracts" !20259

grunt
26-02-2018, 10:44 PM
Dickens ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

“It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times”.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

snooky
26-02-2018, 11:25 PM
The residents of Morningside are so posh they get the Big Issue delivered.

rodhibs55
28-02-2018, 03:50 PM
Was out with my wife for dinner, we had venison.
It was a bit deer.

snooky
28-02-2018, 04:08 PM
Was out with my wife for dinner, we had venison.
It was a bit deer.

Maybe, but you had two in a roe!

Hibbyradge
28-02-2018, 05:30 PM
There are 2 things on earth you can see from space:

1. The Great Wall of China

2. Footballs leaving Tynecastle and burning on re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere

The first one isn't true.

snooky
01-03-2018, 01:19 PM
Oldie but somewhat appropriate.

Maid: "Your Lordship, the butler is urinating in the snow to spelling out his name".
His Lordship: "That's nothing to worry about, my dear. Men do these things."
Maid: I know your Lordship, but it's in Her Ladyship's handwriting"

alhibby
01-03-2018, 10:30 PM
Was oot clearing the snow earlier and I felt my mouth freezing up.
So I gritted my teeth! 😂

alhibby
01-03-2018, 10:31 PM
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is a animal and the other one is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

sleeping giant
02-03-2018, 09:38 AM
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is a animal and the other one is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

:faf:

blackpoolhibs
13-03-2018, 05:29 PM
I went to see a faith healer last night.
He was that bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

CAMHFC
14-03-2018, 01:37 PM
A woman from Hinckley Leicestershire (pictured here) has lost her case at Leicester magistrates court today, after she tried to sue the "Royal infirmary " Her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.
Mrs DeMinger of Hinckley aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e's not interested 'n me and it's all down to them twats" !
The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was removed Fred's Cataracts" !20259

:hilarious:

Geo_1875
14-03-2018, 02:11 PM
What did the drummer call his daughters?

Anna 1 Anna 2

Billy Whizz
14-03-2018, 05:02 PM
Subject Thought this would interest you - England v Ireland. St Patrick's Day 17th March 2018.


England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham



This may be of interest to one of you.

A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar.

He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.








It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm.

The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook

Hibrandenburg
14-03-2018, 10:10 PM
Hibs have agreed to withdraw their complaint after a 50p piece was thrown on the pitch at the last Tynecastle derby. Turns out it was a takeover bid.

blackpoolhibs
19-03-2018, 08:13 PM
My grandad has diarrhea, my dad has it and i have it too, runs in the family.

Hiber-nation
19-03-2018, 08:16 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Alfiembra
19-03-2018, 10:41 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Its a bit like laying linoleum you’ve got to have a flair for it.

snooky
19-03-2018, 10:53 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

For some reason that one took me a wee while. Probably because I thought you were answering a previous poster. :doh::doh::doh:

Geo_1875
20-03-2018, 10:26 AM
My grandad has diarrhea, my dad has it and i have it too, runs in the family.

There was a report of an outbreak of diarrhoea at an Indian holiday resort. When asked how many cases a resort spokesman said "No cases sir, but many many handbags and a lot of bin bags."

Captain Trips
20-03-2018, 10:37 PM
PJ and Drunken: Let's get ready to stumble.

snooky
21-03-2018, 01:19 AM
Oldie but goldie......

Scotsman and Englishman and an Irishman are the only survivors from a plane crash in the desert.
They each decide to salvage something from the plane that might help their survival.

The Englishman finds a gun.
"What good is that?" - the other two ask.
He replies - "If we meet some wild nomadic tribes we will be able to protect ourselves and if we see vultures, we can kill them for food."
"Brilliant!" - the other two reply.

"What did you get, Jock?" - the two ask.
He produces an umbrella.
"What good is that?" - they ask.
He replies - "Well, it will shade us from the blazing sun and, if it rains, we can turn it upside down and catch some water."
"Brilliant!" - they reply.

"And what did you get, Paddy?" - they ask.
"I've got this car door" - says the Irishman.
"What good is that?" - they ask.
Paddy replies "Well, I was just thinking, if it gets too hot, we can wind down the window."

Caversham Green
25-03-2018, 11:08 AM
The farmer said he had forty eight sheep in his field and asked me to round them up.

I said "OK, fifty".

Chez
25-03-2018, 05:02 PM
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
-
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
-
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won

Hamish
25-03-2018, 06:11 PM
I have found my favourite old toy, a globe, in the loft. When I was a boy it meant the world to me.

SuperAllyMcleod
25-03-2018, 10:10 PM
The Scottish Space Agency send a rocket to the moon, on board is a Jambo and a monkey. Each of them has an envelope with their instructions on arrival.

When the rocket touches down the monkey opens his envelope first and starts to carry out his orders.

1. Signal back to earth that the rocket has arrived safely. He sends a signal.

2. Check the exterior of the rocket for damage. The monkey makes the check.

3. Fix any damage. The monkey repairs some of the heat shield panels.

4. Take a rock and soil sample. The monkey starts to collect rocks and gets and uses his spade to gather some soil.

5. Map the local area. The monkey starts to measure distances and takes photos.

The list continues in this manner.

While all of this is going on the Jambo is watching the monkey in amazement until he remembers his own envelope. He opens it up and sees that he only has one job to do, it says “remember to feed the monkey”.

StevieT
21-05-2018, 12:23 PM
I saw a brightly coloured mountain train carriage the other day and I thought to myself 'that's a funny colour'.

Future17
21-05-2018, 02:23 PM
I saw a brightly coloured mountain train carriage the other day and I thought to myself 'that's a funny colour'.

Took me a while. :-)

snooky
21-05-2018, 04:08 PM
I saw a brightly coloured mountain train carriage the other day and I thought to myself 'that's a funny colour'.

Now, that's quite subtle. :greengrin

CropleyWasGod
21-05-2018, 04:10 PM
Took me a while. :-)

It took me all afternoon. :greengrin

heretoday
03-06-2018, 03:36 PM
Knock knock!

Who's there?

Hawaii.

Hawaii who?

I'm very well, thank you and Hawaii you?

snooky
03-06-2018, 04:20 PM
Knock knock!

Who's there?

Hawaii.

Hawaii who?

I'm very well, thank you and Hawaii you?

Where's the 'smart' part? :cool2:
:wink:

ancient hibee
03-06-2018, 05:58 PM
I'd been away told my wife I'd come home with a case of diarrhoea."Couldn't you get the Bud Light?"she asked.

Hibrandenburg
08-06-2018, 07:40 PM
What do you call a cat does it take to screw in a light bulb? They could worry the banana.

Hibbyradge
09-06-2018, 08:13 AM
What do you call a cat does it take to screw in a light bulb? They could worry the banana.

That's not geranium.