'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[snooky]

I suppose it's the way you tell 'em. :rolleyes:

[Hibrandenburg]

That's not geranium.


I suppose it's the way you tell 'em. :rolleyes:

In my defence I'd like to point out that the quoted joke was created by an AI tasked with writing jokes. You can't argue that it's not smart or bad but whether it's funny or not because of it is debatable:greengrin

http://www.iflscience.com/technology/ais-attempts-at-oneliner-jokes-are-unintentionally-hilarious/

[blackpoolhibs]

If you say gullible very slowly it sounds like oranges.

[Northernhibee]

A Tunnocks teacake picked up a Caramel Log in his taxi to head to the airport.

He asks "So how long are you a way for?"

[Just Alf]

If you say gullible very slowly it sounds like oranges.Grrrrr!



Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk

[blackpoolhibs]

Grrrrr!



Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk


You didnt? :greengrin

[Just Alf]

You didnt? :greengrinPlease.......




Just leave me alone!!!!!!












:greengrin



Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk

[heretoday]

My neighbour lives in a tumble drier. He gets around a lot.

[Scouse Hibee]

I phoned the RAC and told tbem "my car won't start", the lassie on the phone said "try it in reverse" so I said "start won't car my"

[Peevemor]

I phoned the RAC and told tbem "my car won't start", the lassie on the phone said "try it in reverse" so I said "start won't car my"

That's like the guy who tried on a pair of shoes and told the salesman that they were too tight.

"Try them with the tongue out"

"They're thtill thoo thighth!"

[CropleyWasGod]

That's like the guy who tried on a pair of shoes and told the salesman that they were too tight.

"Try them with the tongue out"

"They're thtill thoo thighth!"You've been reading your Lex McLean joke book again.....

Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk

[Hibbyradge]

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well, for a start, the flag's a big plus.

[Moulin Yarns]

I told my therapist that I was obsessed with social media, he said he didn't follow.

[easty]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!

[Alfiembra]

Stolen fron Dave TV Channel ad breaks but I like it.

"Without it Gravity would be just Gravy"

[Alfiembra]

A train stops at a train station.
A bus stops at a bus station.
On my desk is a work station.

[Mixu62]

The definition of a cannibal is someone who is fed up with people

[ancient hibee]

Cannibals are notorious for letting people stew in their own juice.

[Caversham Green]

I had to get rid of the stairlift.

It was driving me up the wall.

[Craig_HFC]

Guy walks into a pub with his dog. Orders a beer and says to the barman “I’ve got no money but I’ll show you something better. My dog can speak.” Barman says “right then, make it talk”

So the guy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dogs arse with it & says to the dog “how did that feel?” The dog says “ruff!”

Barman says “nah, I’m no having that. Get out!”
Guy says “Naw, naw it can talk, give us another chance”

So this time he says to the dog “you’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?”. The dog says “ruff!”

Barman says “right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
The guy says “honestly it can talk, one more chance please”

So the guy says to the dog “right, this is our last chance before we get chucked out so pay attention. World Cup 1986 in Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”

Barman has had enough and chucks them both out the pub. The guy & his dog are sat on the pavement outside and the dog turns and says to him “****, was it Jim Leighton?”

[WeeRussell]

Guy walks into a pub with his dog. Orders a beer and says to the barman “I’ve got no money but I’ll show you something better. My dog can speak.” Barman says “right then, make it talk”

So the guy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dogs arse with it & says to the dog “how did that feel?” The dog says “ruff!”

Barman says “nah, I’m no having that. Get out!”
Guy says “Naw, naw it can talk, give us another chance”

So this time he says to the dog “you’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?”. The dog says “ruff!”

Barman says “right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
The guy says “honestly it can talk, one more chance please”

So the guy says to the dog “right, this is our last chance before we get chucked out so pay attention. World Cup 1986 in Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”

Barman has had enough and chucks them both out the pub. The guy & his dog are sat on the pavement outside and the dog turns and says to him “****, was it Jim Leighton?”

That's the first time I've actually laughed at my desk from reading this thread... and I like quite a few of them :greengrin :aok:

[Alfiembra]

Carnival worker sacked from dodgems ride.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal?

[matty_f]

I have developed a phobia of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

[Mixu62]

To whoever stole my anti-depressants - I hope you're happy now.

[rodhibs55]

Mate of mine went on a holiday to a country cottage which was great apart from it being right next to a farm.
Got woke up early every morning by the noise from the animals. The cocks and hens cock a doodle dooing.
The pigs grunting.
The cows mooing.
The donkey wasn't bad though, it said He Haw

[snooky]

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."

[weedgiehibbie]

BREAKING: David Villa signs for Villa, Antonio Valencia signs for Valencia, Nile Ranger signs for Rangers & Danny S**ttu signs for Hearts. :taxi:greengrin

[snooky]

"Come round to my place tonight. I'm having a wee doo" - Bo Constricta
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-45074866

[rodhibs55]

Old lady knitting as she drove.
Police drove up beside her and shouted "Pull Over"
Lady replied back "No they're mittens"

[Hibrandenburg]

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

[blackpoolhibs]

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.

[heretoday]

What do you call an aardvark who's just been beaten up?

A vark.

[Hibbyradge]

Two men were playing golf behind 2 very slow women.

One of the men said to the other, "Would you ask them if we can play through. One of them is my wife and the other one is my mistress so I don't want to speak to them together".

The other chap sets off to have a word with them, but as he gets half way there, he turns round and returns to his playing partner.

"Would you believe it?" he said, "What a coincidence!".

[grunt]

This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account


https://twitter.com/OrkneyLibrary/status/1036624470121820161

[Peevemor]

This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account


https://twitter.com/OrkneyLibrary/status/1036624470121820161



Brilliant!

[Caversham Green]

Los Angeles, late 1940s. Everyone who was anyone wore trilbys.

Songwriter Sammy Cahn has just opened a new type of nightclub where, instead of live music they play records over the PA system. One night the young Tony Bennett decides to visit and checks his mac and trilby into the cloakroom. After a few drinks Tony decides to for out for something to eat but as he'll be coming back doesn't bother to take his stuff back out of the cloakroom.

At the kebab van he bumps into Frank Sinatra who say 'Hi, Tony no headwear tonight?'.

To which Bennett replies:




"I left my hat in Sam Cahn's disco."

[easty]

This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account


https://twitter.com/OrkneyLibrary/status/1036624470121820161


very good :aok:

[Moulin Yarns]

This thread from Orkney Library Twitter account


https://twitter.com/OrkneyLibrary/status/1036624470121820161


I got pelters for reading that out, it created an earworm 😁

[Caversham Green]

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

They're efficient and don't do jokes.

[Alfiembra]

What’s the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?




You can’t wash your hands in a Buffalo.

[blackpoolhibs]

I hate being bipolar, its awesome.

[Northernhibee]

Los Angeles, late 1940s. Everyone who was anyone wore trilbys.

Songwriter Sammy Cahn has just opened a new type of nightclub where, instead of live music they play records over the PA system. One night the young Tony Bennett decides to visit and checks his mac and trilby into the cloakroom. After a few drinks Tony decides to for out for something to eat but as he'll be coming back doesn't bother to take his stuff back out of the cloakroom.

At the kebab van he bumps into Frank Sinatra who say 'Hi, Tony no headwear tonight?'.

To which Bennett replies:




"I left my hat in Sam Cahn's disco."

Frank Sinatra once lost his steak pie she put clubbing in Dundee.

When asked about it he said “I left my tart in Fat Sams disco”

[Hibbyradge]

I hate being bipolar, its awesome.

That's good. 👍

[rodhibs55]

My pet mouse Elvis died this morning.

He was caught in a trap.

[blackpoolhibs]

A convict with a stutter died in prison just before he could finish his sentence.

[matty_f]

A convict with a stutter died in prison just before he could finish his sentence.

I like that one. :faf:

[Hibrandenburg]

A sperm donor, a joiner and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw and he conquered.

[Captain Trips]

I had to phone a drugs helpline today and was told "If your problem is related to cannabis press hash"

[blackpoolhibs]

A man sees a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener and says, "You don't need a tin opener to open bananas."
To which the monkey replies, "It's for the custard, you daft *******.”:greengrin

[Weegreenman]

I was in spec savers the other day, you’ll never guess who I bumped into? 👀 Absolutely everyone 😆👀😂😂😂😂😂😂

[pollution]

Did you hear about the alcoholic dyslexic man?

He choked on his own vimto.

[Scouse Hibee]

After several break ins at butchers across the city, Police are struggling to find the missing link.

[Mixu62]

Asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She said, "they're right behind you".

[ancient hibee]

Exit signs. Are they on the way out?

[JeMeSouviens]

Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers. Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

[Hibrandenburg]

I was going to post a smart time travelling joke but nobody liked it.

[Dan Sarf]

I was going to post a smart time travelling joke but nobody liked it.


Wow! :top marks

[matty_f]

I was going to see Bohemian Rhapsody last night, but the lighting wasn’t that great – I could see a little sillhoutte of a man…

[Future17]

The bathroom at work had a sign on the door which said

DO NOT USE
OUT OF ORDER

so I made sure I went to the toilet before I washed my hands.

[blackpoolhibs]

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . .. .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[matty_f]

It's amazing how a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

[Mango Man]

Went to the supermarket to get 6 cans of sprite, when I got home, I realized I picked 7 up.

Bob Mortimer-Athletico Mince.

[CropleyWasGod]

You ever heard of campanology?

Not sure, but it rings a bell.

Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk

[Scouse Hibee]

How many Rangers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all still live in the dark age.

[Alfiembra]

Saw a film about a cartoon teabag it was rated PG

[Hibbyradge]

An elephant in the jungle sees a mouse for the first time.

"What are you", he asks.

"I'm a mouse" says the mouse, "what are you?"

"I'm an elephant" says the elephant.

"Why are you so small?" asks the elephant.

The mouse replies indignantly, "I've been ill."

[matty_f]

Two guys were in court today for stealing a calendar, they both got six months.

[Jim44]

Possibly not strictly in this thread category but I thought this Kevin Bridges joke was very funny:

A young woman from Clydebank was in Largs and was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Millport Ferry."

[Killiehibbie]

Possibly not strictly in this thread category but I thought this Kevin Bridges joke was very funny:

A young woman from Clydebank was in Largs and was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Millport Ferry."
That ones older than me.

[heretoday]

I used to like farm machinery.

I'm an ex-tractor fan.

[Alfiembra]

I was thinking about taking up gymnastics, but couldn't get into a club.

They were expecting you to bend over backwards to join.

[Mixu62]

Doctor: have you been drinking enough fluids?

Me: that's literally all I drink.

[weedgiehibbie]

Would water beds be more bouncy if they used spring water?

[Hibrandenburg]

Q. How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Too.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

I've been trying to get my girlfriend to stick her keyring up my jacksie for years but, she just keeps fobbing me off.

[blackpoolhibs]

Thought i'd just seen the first English super hero earlier, saw a scouser running down the road in a cape, turned out he'd just done a runner from the hair dressers.

[Northernhibee]

How many members of Ocean Colour Scene does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but they need to ask Paul Weller for permission first.

[Hibbyradge]

I played golf with a new member today.

He asked, "Is it preferred lies"?

I answered, "Yes, it is".

"Ok, thanks".

"I've got a huge cock".

[Captain Trips]

What you call a judge with no balls?

Justice Dick.

[J-C]

I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
She said, "And, finally, question ten."

[Captain Trips]

I feel asleep with a cigarette in my hand the problem was the wife lit it.

[hibby19]

Want to hear a joke about Sodium, Bromine and Oxygen?

NaBrO

[Speedy]

There are two types of people in the world:

1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

[alhibby]

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"

[easty]

A guy in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket.

I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run.

[rodhibs55]

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm.
I gave her the superglue.
She's still not talking to me.

[J-C]

My neighbour said my dogs keep chasing people down the road on bikes, I told him my dogs don't own bikes.

[Northernhibee]

I read this morning that the reason Cher only uses her first name is because she married the footballer Marc Noble years ago and they didn’t think it would be good for record sales otherwise.

[Moulin Yarns]

Shamelessly stolen from Facebook


A guy walks into a quiet pub with his dog... at the time Hearts are 1-0 up in the Cup Final.

He asks for a pint. Soon after the dog does a backflip.

The barman says " What the F..... Why does yer dog do that?

Guys says, everytime he backflips, Celtic have scored, must be 1-1 now!

He quickly orders up another pint. Soon afterwards the dog backflips again, the guy says "Ya beauty! 2-1,Celtic".

The barman says" You're having a laugh, I'm away to check the score ".

2 mins later he's back.

" Jesus Christ Yer Spot On ".

A few minutes later the dog backflips 3 times.

The guy says "Game over, Celtic are Treble Treble Winners!!".

Barman Says "I believe you mate, but can I ask you one question? "

Fire away mate....

" What does the dog do if Rangers win anything?? "

" Fk knows mate, I've only had him 8 years....😂😂 "

🍀🍀

[Northernhibee]

Really saddened to hear of the passing of Michael Stipe. It's still breaking news, only two people in the world know about it just now.

That's me and the coroner.

[J-C]

Really saddened to hear of the passing of Michael Stipe. It's still breaking news, only two people in the world know about it just now.

That's me and the coroner.

Haha I thought you had posted in the wrong forum for a moment :greengrin

[Hibbyradge]

Really saddened to hear of the passing of Michael Stipe. It's still breaking news, only two people in the world know about it just now.

That's me and the coroner.

That took me a while.

A long while. :greengrin

[Just Jimmy]

Boris Johnson isn't well thought of by MPs. they think he's an arse.

except Chris grayling who thinks he's an elbow.

(stolen from NIGNFY)

Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk

[rodhibs55]

Paper bag goes to the doctor and says he's been feeling really ill lately.

Doc says I'll do some tests, come back next week for your results.

Paper bag return a week later. Doc says, bad news, your HIV positive.

Bag says you have got to be joking, I'm a paper bag how can that be possible.

Doc says, your mother was probably a carrier.

[J-C]

Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs ****ging on the other side of the road."What are they doing, Dad?" asks Johnny."Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket."Little Johnny thinks, then says, "Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would've pushed her all the way to the Post Office."

[StevieT]

A guy goes to a fancy dress party. The host asks “what have you come as?”. “A harp” says the guest. The host then says “your costume looks small for a harp”. The guest replies “are you calling me a lyre?”

A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a piece of sandpaper attached to his knob. “What have you come as?” Asked the host? “Dick Emery” was the teply

[Hibbyradge]

A guy goes to a fancy dress party. The host asks “what have you come as?”. “A harp” says the guest. The host then says “your costume looks small for a harp”. The guest replies “are you calling me a lyre?”

A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a piece of sandpaper attached to his knob. “What have you come as?” Asked the host? “Dick Emery” was the teply

You should have stopped after the first one. :greengrin

[Northernhibee]

My missus said to me the other day that she doesn’t think I understand the concept of irony.

Which was ironic as I’d just made myself a bowl of cornflakes.

[Moulin Yarns]

What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of its cave?

Camembert

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?


Mascerpone

[Hibrandenburg]

I don't speak French but I know a little German. He's 3 foot 8 and lives down the road.

[Mixu62]

Jesus; table for 26 please

Maitre d; but there's only 13 of you

Jesus; yeah but we're all going to sit on the same side.

[Hibrandenburg]

To the person that stole my specs, I will track you down and find you using my contacts.

[J-C]

Currently birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor, so far its been 7 Owls and 15 Jays.

[alhibby]

I was born with a rare condition - I had only a single bum cheek - and recently had an operation to correct the problem.

I can't thank the surgeons enough.

They made a complete arse of it.

[Hibrandenburg]

They say you become more conservative as you get older, which could explain the lack of Tories in Scotland.

[Squealing pig]

Heard that Teresa may left a coffee table in 10 Downing Street when she left was never used , was scared incase she brexit

[MSK]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a URINE sample, a STOOL sample and a SPERM sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say ? What does he want ?" His wife yells back, "He needs your UNDERPANTS"

[Moulin Yarns]

Folk are having kids later in life, it means that there is a new event at school sports day for fathers, balderdash.

[Scouse Hibee]

Only in Edinburgh! 😰😰 I went to the Tesco petrol station to get some milk and as I walked into the garage, I noticed these 2 policemen that were watching a woman smoking while putting in her petrol.thinking why don't they tell her to put it out or stop her? I thought , is this lady stupid? crazy? or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went in to get the milk told the cashier and thought get out of here ASAP before the whole area blows up As I was paying I heard someone screaming!! Omg !!!, I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! I ran out the door, the police had the woman on the ground putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.. I was thinking, arrested??Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? Being the nosey person I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for and the guy looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"

[Hibrandenburg]

Went to a strange christening yesterday. Instead of holy water the priest poured four cans of lager on the baby’s head.

Apparently the child had been Fostered.

[Northernhibee]

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

[Captain Trips]

Quasimodo has been made redundant. He is getting 10yrs back pay in a lump sum.

[Captain Trips]

Going to a bondage party, its my first time so I hope somebody there can show me the ropes.

[Northernhibee]

Going to a bondage party, its my first time so I hope somebody there can show me the ropes.

I’d tell you what to expect but my hands are tied.

[jonty]

Going to a bondage party, its my first time so I hope somebody there can show me the ropes.


I’d tell you what to expect but my hands are tied.

Gagging order.

[Captain Trips]

Was on a ship there was a guy jumping over a rope continually

"who is that" I asked

"oh thats the skipper"

[Future17]

Was on a ship there was a guy jumping over a rope continually

"who is that" I asked

"oh thats the skipper"

Is that how you got your username? :greengrin

[Alfiembra]

Just heard on the news that a lorry load of viagra has been hijacked.
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

[Hibrandenburg]

Just heard on the news that a lorry load of viagra has been hijacked.
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

The Mrs hinted that maybe I should get hold of medication that would help my libido and perk up our love life a bit.

Apparently diat pills is not what she meant and I'm in the doghouse again.

[Sudds_1]

Why do female parachutists wear jock straps?

Stops them whistling on the way down 😁

[Sudds_1]

Or...

Man goes to doc ' doc, every time i go for a pee it goes everywhere!'

Doc takes a look..' man no wonder, its full of holes'

He starts to write out a prescription.

'Is that for a specialist?

Naw..its for a flute player. He'll teach you how to hold it'

😁

[Scouse Hibee]

The photographer bought himself a new digital camera and felt so good as he had removed all the negatives from his life.

[Sudds_1]

Why do elephants have big ears?

Coz noddy wont pay the ransom....

[Sudds_1]

Cowboy rides into town wearing brown paper hat, shirt, trousers, socks and shoes....

...sheriff arrested him for rustling 🙄

[WoreTheGreen]

I went to the doctors with a problem “doc when for a **** they come out like chips . The doc said drop your trousers and your pants and bend over. He then produced a pair of scissors and cut two inches of my string vest

[StevieT]

A woman went to her doctor and told him that there was a whistling sound from 'down there' when she walked. The doctor asked to demonstrate. As she walked across the room there was a 'whistle, whistle, whistle' sound.
The doctor asked her to come back the next day so he could record the sound as he was going to a conference attended by specialists at the end of the week.
The woman returned as asked and the doctor followed her across the room recording the sound as she walked.
The doctor went to his conference and then asked everyone if they knew what this sound was. He played his recording and one of the specialists put up his hand and said 'Ive no idea what that is. It just sounds like some **** whistling.'

[Hibrandenburg]

.

[Hibbyradge]

.

Best one for a good while.

[J-C]

The Proclaimers were sacked from their jobs a groundsmen at Easter Rd in 1988 because the grass was always way too long. They blamed B&Q, Bathgate ...no mower, Linwood...no mower, Irvine...no mower.

[Scouse Hibee]

Not a Joke but

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the Christmas turkey.....

[Sudds_1]

Was watching the comedians prog from 1971 on you tube the other day. Really funny....but doubt much woyld be broadcastable in this pc age 😁

[J-C]

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a Hearts top for 2 weeks to see how the people react. So far he has been spat at, punched, kicked and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

[Hibbyradge]

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a Hearts top for 2 weeks to see how the people react. So far he has been spat at, punched, kicked and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

:tee hee:

[Sudds_1]

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a Hearts top for 2 weeks to see how the people react. So far he has been spat at, punched, kicked and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

😂

[c31]

Mates partner went to the hairdressers and asked for a cut to make her look good -
Hairdresser suggested a power cut!

[Hibrandenburg]

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a Hearts top for 2 weeks to see how the people react. So far he has been spat at, punched, kicked and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

:thumbsup:

[c31]

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

Very good! ☺

[Mixu62]

A festive one:

Woman takes her car to the mechanics saying "it's making a really terrible noise"

Mechanic says "have you tried removing the Mariah Carey Christmas CD?"

[grunt]

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping centre just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I’m in the guitar shop next door to that."

[Sudds_1]

Irish space agency news....almost ready for their space shot to the sun. Journo asked how they would cope with the immense heat..." ach its fine said shamus....we're going at night"

😃

[Scouse Hibee]

Heartbreaking 😰💔 | BBCnews - A 15 year old boy was at the center of the Edinburgh sheriff courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Heart of Midlothian FC whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Sudds_1]

2 sperm swimming side by side...one says to the other " how far now to the womb?"

Other says...." jings dont be so impatient....we've only just gone past the tonsils! " 😇😇

[Dmas]

Got a little joke about Sean Connery’s sister baby daughter, it’s a little niche.

[NGP]

What is the fastest Cake in the world?

Scone

[Northernhibee]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

[blackpoolhibs]

A couple were cuddling up in bed on their wedding night; 'Darling' the bride said. 'I have a confession.......I used to be a hooker'.Taken aback the groom thought for a while and then replied: 'actually that's quite erotic....tell me about it'.'Well' she replied. 'My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan'

[weedgiehibbie]

I just had a game of darts with a zombie and an alien. One undead and E.T!

[Hibrandenburg]

I just had a game of darts with a zombie and an alien. One undead and E.T!

:greengrin

[Jonnyboy]

Guy answers a knock at the door, to find a policeman standing there holding a picture

"Is this your wife?" asks the policeman

"Aye, that's her" the guy replies

"I'm afraid she looks like she's been hit by a bus" states the policeman

"Ah know but she's good with the kids"

:greengrin

[J-C]

Went to a sperm clinic today, the lady said "would I like to masterbate in a cup". I said "I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet".

[Northernhibee]

The Queen has ruled that Harry can no longer use his royal titles.

He is now to be known as “The artist formerly known as prince”.

[WoreTheGreen]

Went to a sperm clinic today, the lady said "would I like to masterbate in a cup". I said "I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet".

Read it a a few days ago and still laughing

[Hibrandenburg]

I've now completed 10 months intensive training for Iron Man 2020 and today the competition application has been accepted. I've just read through the rules and regulations and have just realised my training programme is completely inadequate and I might struggle to complete the course. On the plus side my shirts look incredible.

[Northernhibee]

My girlfriend just told me that I didn’t understand irony.

Which was ironic because I was at a bus stop at the time.

[Scouse Hibee]

Told my wife that 3 cliff walkers had fallen to their death today, she said how strange it was that three people with the same name had all died on the same day.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Told my wife that 3 cliff walkers had fallen to their death today, she said how strange it was that three people with the same name had all died on the same day.

That appeals to my SOH! ☺ Viztastic!

[Scouse Hibee]

Viagra.......It won’t make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore

[Northernhibee]

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into the blood donors.

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O".

[Hibrandenburg]

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into the blood donors.

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O".

Like that :greengrin

[Northernhibee]

I now regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but I suppose that’s Heinz sight for you.

[Sudds_1]

What do donkeys on blackpool beach get for their lunch?

Half hour like everybody else...

[Sudds_1]

Difference between a magicians wand and a police truncheon?

Ones for cunning stunts......

[J-C]

Bought the wife a fur coat made from 1000 hamster skins, took to Blackpool pleasure beach and took me nearly 2 hours to get her off the bloody Ferris wheel.

[alhibby]

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released.

WHO let the dogs out.

[Mixu62]

Trees cut down to make jenga blocks are repeatedly forced to re-live their own death.

[Logie Green]

There was only one pint of milk left when I was at the shops this morning. It was shelf isolating.

[Hibrandenburg]

Everytime I hear the words Covid-19 I always then expect to hear Heart of Midlothian-0

[Hibrandenburg]

Me and the wife still can't agree on where we're going to spend our Easter holidays. I'm thinking living room but she's pretty keen on the bedroom.

[RyeSloan]

Me and the wife still can't agree on where we're going to spend our Easter holidays. I'm thinking living room but she's pretty keen on the bedroom.

Is this a joke within a joke?

Surely the man wants the bedroom while the Mrs will be saying Aye right to that idea ;-)

[alhibby]

What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah".

A sheep with no lips.

[Logie Green]

Tam Cowan on Radio Scotland earlier said the person he feels sorriest for at the moment re Coronavirus is Philip Schofield because he's just come out but has now been told to stay in.

[Hibrandenburg]

Got in from work last night and had a few beers, going on 8pm I was a bit worse for wear and started singing "If you hate the ****ing Jam Tarts clap your hands". I didn't realise just how many people despise them.

[c31]

I was shopping Tesco yesterday and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.
I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly kid."
He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."
I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."
He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

[Hibbyradge]

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

[sleeping giant]

What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah".

A sheep with no lips.

Brilliant :greengrin:

[blackpoolhibs]

God was spotted making his way into Easter Road, asked why, he replied i'm working from home.

[Jonnyboy]

My mate told me that if I got an email headed knock, knock I shouldn’t open it as it’ll just be a Jehovah’s Witness working from home :faf:

[blackpoolhibs]

The seven dwarfs at the moment with this virus, are struggling to put food on the table.

[Hibbyradge]

My mate told me that if I got an email headed knock, knock I shouldn’t open it as it’ll just be a Jehovah’s Witness working from home :faf:

👍

[Hibbyradge]

The seven dwarfs at the moment with this virus, are struggling to put food on the table.

I hear Sneezy has been told to f*** off.

[Moulin Yarns]

I was drving down the road n got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked over shoved an open hand in my window n barked "PAPERS". I showed him 2 fingers n said "Scissors I win" and drove off. He must be keen on a rematch as he's been chasing me down the M1 at 85mph for 20 minutes

[weedgiehibbie]

Just bought some fly killer spray, it says on the tin 'avoid contact with eyes'

How the hell are you supposed to be that accurate!

[Scouse Hibee]

A vicar in America has been arrestied for injecting a cleaning fluid. He was charged with Bleach of the Priest.

[weedgiehibbie]

I was amazed to read that Michelangelo painted the Sistine chapel lying on his back, his shell must have made him wobble all over the place!

[The_Exile]

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Man goes to his Doctor's and says I am having terrible nightmares about being a moth. Doctor says I think that you need to see a psychiatrist. Man says, yes I know that, but I was just passing and saw a light on.

[Future17]

Man goes to his Doctor's and says I am having terrible nightmares about being a moth. Doctor says I think that you need to see a psychiatrist. Man says, yes I know that, but I was just passing and saw a light on.

:greengrin

[c31]

I'm starting a Sarcasm Club and I would Really Love it if you were to Join...

[Scouse Hibee]

A dwarf goes to the doctors, he tells the doctor that he thinks he has an STD as his ***** has turned bright red, the doctor tells him to drop his trousers, takes one look and says yeah you’re right it’s no white.

[Just_Jimmy]

A dwarf goes to the doctors, he tells the doctor that he thinks he has an STD as his ***** has turned bright red, the doctor tells him to drop his trousers, takes one look and says yeah your right it’s no white.[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

[c31]

Breaking : there was an accident on the M8 this morning involving a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A police spokesperson said to the press this morning

"There's no easy way to say this"...

[Shezza]

There is a TV channel in Japan dedicated to Origami. It’s Pay Per View

[StevieT]

A friend of mine just failed an exam on Aboriginal musical instruments. A said to him “did you redo it?”

[McSwanky]

A friend of mine just failed an exam on Aboriginal musical instruments. A said to him “did you redo it?”Right up there with the trumpet tree, Stevie!

Sent from my HRY-LX1 using Tapatalk

[StevieT]

Right up there with the trumpet tree, Stevie!

Sent from my HRY-LX1 using Tapatalk

Where’s the like button?

[Hibrandenburg]

Ok, I'm writing this from the emergency room, but don't worry the doctors say I will make a full recovery. However I feel it's my duty to warn everyone that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name.

[alhibby]

So I went to Hyde Park this morning,
couldn’t find anyone...............

[alhibby]

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week.

Roll on Monday......

[Scouse Hibee]

Done a job in Cornwall today, the money was great so I decided to take a week in lieu.

[Logie Green]

My mate got sacked from his job at the fairground.

He’s suing them for funfair dismissal.

[Scouse Hibee]

The world patronising championships results have just been released in condescending order.

[grunt]

Exciting session at the autopsy club yesterday evening.
It was open Mike night.

[Alfiembra]

Before going on a camping trip I checked my insurance, apparently if my tent blows away I won’t be covered.

[weedgiehibbie]

I had a pizza with just green peppers on it, nothing else, it was a pepperonly pizza

[Sudds_1]

The new drug for depressed lesbians?

Triacockagin 😁

[Craig_HFC]

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pajamazon.

[Hibrandenburg]

The new drug for depressed lesbians?

Triacockagin 😁

Have you applied to the BBC for a job? :wink:

[Scouse Hibee]

The new drug for depressed lesbians?

Triacockagin 😁

Just showed my lesbian next door neighbour that joke, Minjhita is not amused.

[Sudds_1]

Have you applied to the BBC for a job? :wink:

😁

[Sudds_1]

Just showed my lesbian next
door neighbour that joke, Minjhita is not amused.
😅

[heretoday]

What do you call a magician who doesn't have any magic?

Ian.

[c31]

I have a pet dogfish who is 12 years old today, I've had him since he was a guppy!

[Northernhibee]

My mate had unprotected phone sex, now he’s got hearing aids.

[Northernhibee]

I was once a postman but I quit after an hour.

I looked at my first letter to deliver and thought "This isn't for me".

[Sudds_1]

2 thai ladies offered to sleep with a guy...."it will be like winning the lottery" they said...

...and they were right - he had 6 balls in a row😇

[Northernhibee]

Just sent a nude photo of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only is it embarrassing but it’s cost me a fortune in stamps.

[c31]

I tried to join the local cricket club but I couldn't get any sound rubbing my legs together!

[weecounty hibby]

I see a guy in London has taught his dog to play the trumpet just by taking him in the underground. He's gone from Barking to Tooting!

[Scouse Hibee]

Did you hear the one about the conspiracy theorist who was mugged whilst out walking and blamed himself.

[Scouse Hibee]

Just named my new race horse “My face”

[Hibrandenburg]

Just named my new race horse “My face”

That's more like it. Got to think around at least one corner to get it. :greengrin

[Scouse Hibee]

That's more like it. Got to think around at least one corner to get it. :greengrin

😁👍

[Scouse Hibee]

As I was coming out of the pub tonight I fell over a guy on the pavement. It’s only September FFS.

[Hibbyradge]

Just named my new race horse “My face”

Oh come on...!

[Scouse Hibee]

Went to the sperm bank today to make a donation, they actually charged me £50 for the privilege! I told a mate about it, he said it was ridiculous and they must have seen me coming.

[RyeSloan]

Just named my new race horse “My face”

https://www.skysports.com/racing/form-profiles/horse/429969/my-face-usa

Strange but true! [emoji23]

[Killiehibbie]

https://www.skysports.com/racing/form-profiles/horse/429969/my-face-usa

Strange but true! [emoji23]

Never came first

[Hibbyradge]

Never came first

It came second twice, which is very considerate, but I'd like to hear about the circumstances which led to it coming fourth!

[Hibrandenburg]

It came second twice, which is very considerate, but I'd like to hear about the circumstances which led to it coming fourth!

That was in a dick measuring contest, it lost by a length.

[Future17]

It came second twice, which is very considerate, but I'd like to hear about the circumstances which led to it coming fourth!

That's how God told it it should multiply.

[Hibrandenburg]

What do Las Vegas and Sunderland have in common? You can pay for sex using chips.

[J-C]

Went to buy some camouflage clothes the other day, couldn't find any in the shops.

[alhibby]

I phoned up a hotel and the receptionist said hello,best western. I said Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood ..........

[Scouse Hibee]

Two men walked into a shop, one suffered a broken nose, the other a bruised knee.

[alhibby]

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don't know what you're missing!

[Mixu62]

My grief counsellor just died.

He was so good at his job I didn't even care.

[J-C]

I pulled my knickers out of my arse.

The mother of the kid who's birthday it was said " I was the sickest kids entertainer she's ever seen "

[J-C]

A wheel-chair bound chap decided to visit the healing waters of Lourdes. It was very crowded but he spotted a gap and went for it at such a pace that he ended up in the pool, wheel-chair and all. When they fished him out he was quite disappointed to find that he was still unable to walk, but found consolation in the fact that his wheel chair had a brand new set of tires.

[Mixu62]

Frankensteins wife: you never help with the cooking.

Frankenstein: I did the mash.

Frankensteins wife: don't you ****ing dare Frank!

[Mixu62]

Just found out that my grief counsellor just died.

He was so good at his job I didn't even care.

[Future17]

Just found out that my grief counsellor just died.

He was so good at his job I didn't even care.

That's two of your grief counsellors who have died in the space of a week. Are you bumping them off? :greengrin

[Mixu62]

That's two of your grief counsellors who have died in the space of a week. Are you bumping them off? :greengrin

They're dropping like flies! Kept failing to post on my phone. Didn't realise it had!

[c31]

We've just bought a horse called Kingsmill.
He's purebread

[CmoantheHibs]

There’s a new bird just signed for Hibs ladies and she is the latest member of the McGinn clan to join. Welcome Tar.

[Scouse Hibee]

Decided on poached eggs for breakfast this morning. Wish I hadn’t bothered, the gamekeeper shot at me.

[Scouse Hibee]

Was cladding a wall with cork tiles so ordered a box of 200 cork screws, it looks bloody stupid to be honest.

[Northernhibee]

The government have suggested that we might need to stockpile German sausages and cheese, but that’s just the wurst kase scenario.

[HibbyDave]

Two boys in school play. 300 parents attend the show and the boys are v nervous.
First boy to walk on stage and say to lead girl “ I’ve come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope”


Second boy then to appear on stage and exclaim

“ Hark i hear a pistol shot”


First boy walks on and sees the large crowd of parents: he then says:

“I’ve come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap”

The second boy is now bricking it and exclaims “ hark I hear a shistol pot, I mean a postal sht......



oh bollocks I never wanted to be in this stupid play!

[J-C]

I put a deposit on a new bed yesterday, they threw me out of the store.