'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Keith_M]

I guess you'll tell me later?


Don't answer his questions on a football forum? :dunno:



You see, it works!


:greengrin

[AltheHibby]

Both 'jokes' are the low hanging fruits of humour 😉

Only if you have short legs. Or you're me.

[WoreTheGreen]

Guy goes to a fancy dress party totally naked
Apart from a bit of sandpaper wrapped around his c..k
Host asked what have you come as
Naked guy answered Dick Emery

[AltheHibby]

The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the roundabout.

They moved in different circles.

[Keith_M]

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch for lunch. I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?

"The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"


Your joke has been nicked by Tam Cowan and was in yesterday's Daily Record




'Meanwhile, a village with the longest name – Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob – can now get the fastest broadband: a gigabit a second.

Tell you what’s even more impressive – my old Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy visited the legendary Welsh village a few years ago and, while eating his lunch one day, he asked a member of staff: “How exactly do you pronounce this place?”


And the lassie said: “BURGER KING…” '


https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/opinion/tam-cowan-man-u-just-25426945

[Hibrandenburg]

Your joke has been nicked by Tam Cowan and was in yesterday's Daily Record




'Meanwhile, a village with the longest name – Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob – can now get the fastest broadband: a gigabit a second.

Tell you what’s even more impressive – my old Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy visited the legendary Welsh village a few years ago and, while eating his lunch one day, he asked a member of staff: “How exactly do you pronounce this place?”


And the lassie said: “BURGER KING…” '


https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/opinion/tam-cowan-man-u-just-25426945

I got it from a Welsh mate who can pronounce the stations name, it does get rather moist when he does it though.

[weedgiehibbie]

Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.

[c31]

My budgie escaped from its cage and mated with my dog.
I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested

[Alfiembra]

Ever noticed how the some of the greatest Formula1 drivers their surnames are the the same as Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Toon Centre.

[Keith_M]

Ever noticed how the some of the greatest Formula1 drivers their surnames are the the same as Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Toon Centre.


Yeah, the guy that posted it the first time

:wink:

[weedgiehibbie]

Novak Djokovic is the first player to be knocked out of a Grand Slam tournament after missing only 2 shots

[Hibrandenburg]

I've been conducting a scientific study about the effects of alcohol on how people walk, the results are staggering.

[Bridge hibs]

Paddy says to his Wife, my bum hole is on fire, what do you think is wrong, his Wife says, ring sting, Paddy replies, **** off, how the hell would he know !!

[c31]

I have a new girl friend. She works at a factory making wheelie bins.

Not sure what day to take her out.

[Hibrandenburg]

Stallone: I'm making a new film about composers, I'll be playing Beethoven.

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Nope, not saying it.

Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk

[Scouse Hibee]

I think my tennis coach fancies me, I’m crap at tennis but she keeps calling me love.

[Speedy]

Stallone: I'm making a new film about composers, I'll be playing Beethoven.

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Nope, not saying it.

Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk

:greengrin

[Moulin Yarns]

Stallone: I'm making a new film about composers, I'll be playing Beethoven.

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Nope, not saying it.

Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk


:greengrin

I'll be Rimsky-Korsakov. :confused:

[Radium]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220322/527ce0f5c3b028d71cbcaace2eb32611.png


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Hibrandenburg]

Two scientists walk into a bar, the first asks for a glass of H2o, the second says he'd like a glass of H2o too. The second scientist dies.

Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk

[Hibbyradge]

https://i.postimg.cc/Jn6pLr8V/IMG-20220329-WA0000.jpg

[nonshinyfinish]

There's a subreddit called r/etymology where people ask question about and discuss the origins of words.

Today someone posted a video asking if anyone could identify the butterfly in it, prompting this reply (https://www.reddit.com/r/etymology/comments/tvjlsz/comment/i3b539s/):


People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

[Hibbyradge]

There's a subreddit called r/etymology where people ask question about and discuss the origins of words.

Today someone posted a video asking if anyone could identify the butterfly in it, prompting this reply (https://www.reddit.com/r/etymology/comments/tvjlsz/comment/i3b539s/):

Awesome! 👏👏👏

[Alfiembra]

Was out for a meal the other.night in a Star Wars themed restaurant.
Had a steak but it was a little Chewy.

[Northernhibee]

I blew up my chemistry experiment earlier.

Oxidents happen.

[AltheHibby]

Someone told me I was average.

I thought that was mean.

[Hibrandenburg]

The reason aliens don't visit us is because our solar system gets crap reviews, we only have one star.

[J-C]

My mate has just flunked the RAF exam, seemingly the bomb bay doors isn't an Indian tribute act.

[AltheHibby]

The only thing flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

[Hibbyradge]

The only thing flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

Brilliant 👏

[AltheHibby]

Brilliant 👏

Thank you. I wish I had come up with it, but it came from my Twitter feed.

[alhibby]

I've just got a job for halloween making plastic Draculas, there's only two of us on the production line so I've got to make every second count.

[Northernhibee]

Cpolio apparently choked on a Cornish pasty.

He’s gone to Ginsters paradise.

[Hibbyradge]

A golfing couple were having a drink in the 19th Hole after a pleasant round of golf, when the lady asked, "Honey, if something happens to me would you re-marry" . Of course not, he replied. " Well I would want you to be happy". OK, I suppose so. After a thoughtful moment, she said, "would you let her drive my car"? I suppose so, he said. Questions coming quicker, "Would you play golf with her"? I guess so, he responded. Getting a little upset she said, "Would you let her use my clubs"?Before he thought he said, Nope, she is left handed.

[J-C]

Walked past the fridge last night and I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just the Chives talking

[weedgiehibbie]

Wish me luck in the London Marathon tomorrow. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try beat that but I often get bored and turn the TV over

[Moulin Yarns]

Warning, don't let the kids read this.












Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells:

"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

[Hibbyradge]

Warning, don't let the kids read this.



"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

At least that joke meets the "so bad" criteria... :wink:

[AltheHibby]

The cashier told me “Strip Down Facing Me”

By the time I realised she meant the debit card, It was too late.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

The cashier told me “Strip Down Facing Me”

By the time I realised she meant the debit card, It was too late.


Courtesy of the late, great, Les Dawson....

I bought the wife a new three-piece suite at the weekend. I asked the sales assistant, what she was prepared to take off for cash.........she said everything but my earrings.

[Hibbyradge]

What did the cheese say looking at his reflection in the mirror?

Hallo me.

[Alfiembra]

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at.

[Moulin Yarns]

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at.

And biology is where you get your rocks off. 😁

[alhibby]

"A guy ran past me wearing a cape.. "I shouted Hey man are you a Superhero ? He replied "No man I didn't pay for my Haircut" !
[emoji3104]...[emoji1750]

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

[AltheHibby]

If you want a constant supply of bad jokes and puns I suggest you look at Mariana Z on Twitter. I have thought about copying her jokes over a few times, but decided that it's easier to just post a link for anyone who's interested.

https://twitter.com/mariana057/status/1588357744771629058?t=kOk4fMmFhxCwemWqkR5U2w&s=19

[Hibbyradge]

Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

[Bridge hibs]

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge. "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus." He says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him. "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out. "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"

Jesus nods and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out. "Oii whack, would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.....

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says. "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability allowance !

[Hibrandenburg]

I called Gamblers Anonymous to ask for an appointment. I was offered 12:50.

[Speedy]

I called Gamblers Anonymous to ask for an appointment. I was offered 12:50.

😄

[Keith_M]

I called Gamblers Anonymous to ask for an appointment. I was offered 12:50.


I was going to call the Dementia hotline yesterday, but I couldn't remember the number. :rolleyes:

[Scouse Hibee]

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman all meet up at the World Cup in Quatar, why was the Scotsman there?

[Hibrandenburg]

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman all meet up at the World Cup in Quatar, why was the Scotsman there?

He was a Unionist? :dunno:

[Moulin Yarns]

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman all meet up at the World Cup in Quatar, why was the Scotsman there?

He was an Arab??

[Hibrandenburg]

He was an Arab??

:greengrin

[Scouse Hibee]

He was an Arab??

10/10 😀

[J-C]

A man's in the ocean and about to drown when a boat passes and the captain said " do you need help" the man said " no, God will save me". Another boat passes and again he's asked if he needs help, the man said again "no, God will save me", the boat sails on. The man finally drowned and went to heaven, there he meets God and he asks him why he didn't save him, God says "I sent you 2 boats ffs you dummy"

[Hibbyradge]

Went down to the bank today and the woman behind counter suddenly started singing 'Downtown'.

I thought to myself that's a Peculiar Clerk.

[Hibrandenburg]

Went down to the bank today and the woman behind counter suddenly started singing 'Downtown'.

I thought to myself that's a Peculiar Clerk.

:greengrin

[BS44]

26347

[speedy_gonzales]

26347

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[Hibbyradge]

26347

I dig that one up every year. It's my favourite Christmas joke.

[oneone73]

I dig that one up every year. It's my favourite Christmas joke.

OK, obviously no one else has the nerve. Could someone explain it to me?

[Hibrandenburg]

OK, obviously no one else has the nerve. Could someone explain it to me?

🎼You'll go down in history.🎼

[Keith_M]

What's the most popular Wine at Christmas?










"Aw, naw, not more Brussel Sprouts!"

:rolleyes:

[CropleyWasGod]

I bought a Russian advent calendar; every time you open a window an oligarch falls out of it.

[Bridge hibs]

I bought a Russian advent calendar; every time you open a window an oligarch falls out of it.Oooft 🤣

[J-C]

Went to buy a Xmas tree and the guy said are you putting it up yourself, I said no, I'm putting it in the living room.

[Northernhibee]

It’s been three years since I left my quite frankly terrifying ex who was obsessed with Robbie Williams. In a new relationship now and never been happier.

Helen’s gone and Heather’s here, there’s nothing left for me to fear.

[grunt]

I bought a Russian advent calendar; every time you open a window an oligarch falls out of it.I had a Brexit advent calendar. Every day another door closes.

[weedgiehibbie]

We have a 99 year old man in our darts team so as a surprise we are going to fulfill his wish by spending his century birthday in the Caribbean.

He'll be 100 in Haiti

[Northernhibee]

What's the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate sex party?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrrr as you come.

[Hibbyradge]

I went to a club last night. They played The twist, I did the twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out.

[AltheHibby]

Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walks into a bar.

The bartender calls 911 and says, "I'd like to report an attempted murder."

[Wilson]

Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walks into a bar.

The bartender calls 911 and says, "I'd like to report an attempted murder."

Very good.

[AltheHibby]

Very good.

Not mine. Mariana Z on Twitter. I took a minute to get it.

[Mibbes Aye]

Ego and super-ego walk into a bar.

Barman says “Whoa, I’m going to need to see some id “

[Northernhibee]

I found work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone got really surprised when I told them I was actually a doctor.


Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Last year I made a plan to sail around the world in the worlds smallest ship but, I bottled it.

[AltheHibby]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,

followed by Batman…

[Alfiembra]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,

followed by Batman…

Took me a minute :not worth

[Just_Jimmy]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,

followed by Batman…Very good.

Sent from my SM-G991B using Tapatalk

[Jakhog1]

Took me a minute :not worth

Took me way longer than that

[CropleyWasGod]

Took me way longer than that

Me too, but I was pretty well the worst in my class at Chemistry. :greengrin

[J-C]

Very good.

Sent from my SM-G991B using Tapatalk


Took me a while but finally got it.

[Hibbyradge]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,

followed by Batman…

Too clever by half.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

I was told the eight grannies version and the penny drops quicker.

[Hibbyradge]

James Murphy is lying in a London hospital being tended by a nurse. He only has hours to live, so the hospital sends for his family.

His three sons are the first to arrive to see the old boy.

He waves Sean over to his bedside. He says “Sean, I am leaving you all my residential properties in the Mayfair area”. Sean smiles and kisses his dad on the forehead.

He then waves over Mick. He says “Mick, I am leaving you all my residential properties in the South Kensington area”. Mick smiles and kisses his dad.

Next, he waves over Seamus. He says “Seamus, I am leaving you all my office properties in the Oxford Road area”. Seamus smiles and kisses his dad.

The three sons then leave the room and a few minutes later James passes away.

Shortly afterwards, James’s widow arrives and stands at his bedside with a few tears rolling down her cheeks.

The nurse says to her “Mrs Murphy, you husband was a lovely man. He was extraordinarily generous and has provided enormous wealth to each of his sons. You should be very proud of him”.

Mrs Murphy looks at the nurse as if she has lost the plot. She says “I don’t know what you’re talking about, my husband was a window cleaner”.

[grunt]

What if John Lennon had sold his music online? Imagine all the PayPal.

[Hibbyradge]

I removed the shells from my racing snails thinking that it would help them go faster, but it only made them more sluggish.

[Hibbyradge]

I accidentally took my cat's medication last night.

Don't ask meow.

[grunt]

Ok, not so very smart, but :greengrin

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrrayF1WwAAkFGD?format=jpg&name=medium

[Hibbyradge]

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"
The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.

The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!

[Hibrandenburg]

Q. How many Tories does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, they'll just tell you they've done it and the BBC will report on how bright it is.

[Hibbyradge]

What's the connection between a w*nk and a 3 putt?

They're both embarrassing but you know you'll do it again.

[AltheHibby]

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors, I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade. I never knew he was a dentist.

[Keith_M]

They so 'no man is an island'.


Have they never heard of The Isle of Man?

[Keith_M]

Ok, not so very smart, but :greengrin

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrrayF1WwAAkFGD?format=jpg&name=medium


:greengrin

[Hibbyradge]

:greengrin

Sorry bro, but scroll up.

[Keith_M]

Sorry bro, but scroll up.


If that's another really subtle joke then I'm not getting it.

[Billy Whizz]

If that's another really subtle joke then I'm not getting it.

Noddy/An aw day.
Ticket

[Keith_M]

Noddy/An aw day.
Ticket


Cheers, I got that bit (eventually). :-)

I was wondering about the 'scroll up' comment

[Just Alf]

Cheers, I got that bit (eventually). :-)

I was wondering about the 'scroll up' comment

I was thinking that too...

S'funny when the "whooshee" is actually the "whooshed"!

:greengrin

[Keith_M]

I was thinking that too...

S'funny when the "whooshee" is actually the "whooshed"!

:greengrin


True

:greengrin

[Hibbyradge]

I was thinking that too...

S'funny when the "whooshee" is actually the "whooshed"!

:greengrin

:hilarious

Yes, my mistake. I was certain that I'd previously posted the same screenshot but that was on a WhatsApp group not here.

I accept my whooshing!

[Just Alf]

:hilarious

Yes, my mistake. I was certain that I'd previously posted the same screenshot but that was on a WhatsApp group not here.

I accept my whooshing!:greengrin .


Don't worry, we've all been there!

[Keith_M]

:hilarious

Yes, my mistake. I was certain that I'd previously posted the same screenshot but that was on a WhatsApp group not here.

I accept my whooshing!


:aok:


:greengrin

[AltheHibby]

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden the driver hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later Trump saw his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Trump.
The driver replied, "All I said was, “I'm President Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig.’”

[AltheHibby]

Why it's so difficult to learn English:

There is 1 silent K in knight;

There are 2 silent Ks in knicknack;

And there are 3 silent Ks in Republican.

[AltheHibby]

An Arab sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman with the same rare blood type with located. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again his doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab didn’t his previous extravagant gesture.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. What gives?”
To this the Arab replied: " Aye laddie, but now Ihave Scottish blood in ma veins."

[Hibrandenburg]

Not a joke as such but a Limerick:

(12 + 144 +20 +3 × √4) ÷ 7 + 5 × 11 = 9² + 0

[Hibbyradge]

Not a joke as such but a Limerick:

(12 + 144 +20 +3 × √4) ÷ 7 + 5 × 11 = 9² + 0

A dozen, a gross, and a score

plus three times the square root of four

divided by seven

plus five times eleven,

is nine squared and not a bit more.

[Jim Herriot]

Well, if we're getting mathematical...

3√ 3
∫ t2 dt . cos(3π/9) = ln (3√ e)
1

[Bridge hibs]

Can we get back to the bad jokes please 🫣

[Hibrandenburg]

A dozen, a gross, and a score

plus three times the square root of four

divided by seven

plus five times eleven,

is nine squared and not a bit more.

Well done you, my Mrs had to explain it to me.

[Hibrandenburg]

Well, if we're getting mathematical...

3√ 3
∫ t2 dt . cos(3π/9) = ln (3√ e)
1

Nope, well over my head.

[Hibbyradge]

Nope, well over my head.

Mine too. 🤔

[Jim Herriot]

Well, if we're getting mathematical...

3√ 3
∫ t2 dt . cos(3π/9) = ln (3√ e)
1

Admittedly rather obscure, but it's another limerick.

Integral t squared dt
From one to the cube root of three
Time the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e

[weedgiehibbie]

If I tripped whilst ordering a pizza in Domino's would everyone else fall over as well?

[Hibrandenburg]

Admittedly rather obscure, but it's another limerick.

Integral t squared dt
From one to the cube root of three
Time the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e

Blank?

[Hibrandenburg]

If I tripped whilst ordering a pizza in Domino's would everyone else fall over as well?

Double Blank

[Hibbyradge]

What's the difference between a chickpea and an onion?

[Hibrandenburg]

What's the difference between a chickpea and an onion?

I'd let an onion in my mouth, but I wouldn't let a ........

[Hibbyradge]

The reason astronauts drink black coffee?

In space, no one can here use cream.

[Bridge hibs]

The man who invented Cats’ Eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

[Hibbyradge]

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random names of musical instruments.

[Just Alf]

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random names of musical instruments.I'm one of the 9 :greengrin:

Even 2nd time when I was checking! :faf:

[AltheHibby]

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: “How long will I live?”
The psychic replied: “I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.”
“Which holiday?” Putin asked.
The psychic smiled and said. “Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday.”

[AltheHibby]

A woman about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed even more amused.

When on the fourth move the man burst out laughing she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

When the case came up in court the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the woman got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The DoubleMint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" I just lost it!”

CASE DISMISSED

[J-C]

A nun's lying soaking in the bath when there's a knock on the door. She shouts "who is it" " it's the blind man" came the reply, "come in" she said. He walks in and says, "where do you want these blinds put up".

[Hibbyradge]

I recently tried Wookie meat.

It was chewy.

[J-C]

"Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

[Donegal Hibby]

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[Jack]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up and says “I’ll have five beers please”

[Alfiembra]

My wife took me for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, “Shall we do something we’ve never done in the car before?” I said, “ Go on then bang it into fourth gear.”

[Hibbyradge]

I'm not sure if this qualified as a joke, but it made me smile.

https://i.postimg.cc/NFQTrrrw/FB-IMG-1689164934766.jpg

[AltheHibby]

I'm not sure if this qualified as a joke, but it made me smile.

https://i.postimg.cc/NFQTrrrw/FB-IMG-1689164934766.jpg

It took me a minute, but it was worth it.

[Hibbyradge]

I just read that a psychic dwarf escaped from Saughton prison.

People are asked to look out for a small medium at large.

[Northernhibee]

I was in my local Indian restaurant and said to the chef that the butter was delicious. "Actually, it's ghee" he said.

I'm glad he clarified it.

[Moulin Yarns]

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end

[grunt]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B8LfKajCIAA6TfH?format=jpg&name=medium

[J-C]

Just a heads up ...I need some help. A few months ago I accepted a friends request from a guy called Buster, as we both had an avid interest in the 70's band The Sweet. He sent me the odd video of the band but then he started to bombard me with not only videos but almost non stop messages on Messenger......now as much as I like The Sweet I thought enough is enough and so I tried to unfriend and block him but I was unable to.....this is where I need technical help ...

Does anyone know the way ....there's got to be a way to block Buster ?

[Northernhibee]

Just sold my vacuum cleaner. It was only gathering dust.

[J-C]

Did you see the scarecrow won an award, he was outstanding in his field.

[Caversham Green]

Just sold my vacuum cleaner. It was only gathering dust.

I need a new one too - my current one sucks.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Thinking about a change in career. I have been offered a position as an inspector in a mirror factory. I've no real interest in the job, but it's definitely something that I could see myself doing.

[BS44]

27085

[matty_f]

Thinking about a change in career. I have been offered a position as an inspector in a mirror factory. I've no real interest in the job, but it's definitely something that I could see myself doing.

I was delighted when I got a job there, was beside myself!

[grunt]

27085
:faf:

[AltheHibby]

27085

Brilliant! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Hibbyradge]

My son told me he’d get bullied at school because of his name … I said" Oh come on Someoneyourownsize, why would they?"

[SuperAllyMcleod]

Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many levels.

[BS44]

A man received a parrot as a gift, but the bird had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
The man tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, he was fed up yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

He shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, the man threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, the man quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto his outstretched arms and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

The man was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude and just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued: “May I ask what the turkey did?”

[J-C]

This guy just stopped me in the street and asked why I was carrying a 9ft book, I said it's a long story.

[One Day Soon]

40 pager.

Peevemor was very nearly right, 12 years ago.

[Northernhibee]

Did you hear about the dyslexic baker who joined the army?

He went out all buns glazing.

[BS44]

27155

[J-C]

Paddy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths with a large fish under his arm. Murphy shouts up, "What you gonna do with that?"
Paddy replies, "Triple somersault with pike."

[stuart-farquhar]

I went to the Doctor as I was hearing music constantly when I was out and about. The Doc took one look at me and said " it's the band on your hat"

[AltheHibby]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.

"No!" replied the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Kia, you live with it!"

[Moulin Yarns]

Doctor: I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

[Northernhibee]

Doctor: I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

That's excellent :greengrin

[Hibrandenburg]

That's excellent :greengrin

Yep, that ticks all the boxes in the thread title.

[heid the baw]

I went to the Doctor as I was hearing music constantly when I was out and about. The Doc took one look at me and said " it's the band on your hat"
Guy goes to the doctor says I keep hearing music, in my left ear I hear "Green green grass of home" in my right I hear " my my my Delilah"
Doctor says it sounds like you've got Tom Jonesitis
Guy says is that quite common?
Doctor replies, it's not unusual.

[AltheHibby]

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If he won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up, declared himself beaten, said the Rabbi was too clever and the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I don't have a clue!’ the Rabbi said.

First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'

‘Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?’ shrugged the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!'

[Hibbyradge]

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

[Hibrandenburg]

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

:greengrin

[BS44]

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If he won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up, declared himself beaten, said the Rabbi was too clever and the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I don't have a clue!’ the Rabbi said.

First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'

‘Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?’ shrugged the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!'

🤣

[Alfiembra]

I asked a landscape gardener if he could sort out my garden.
He said, sorry mate I can’t help you, your gardens portrait.

[Northernhibee]

Got caught robbing the Apple Store last night.

Too many iWitnesses.

[J-C]

I said to the wife she should embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug.

[cheltenhamhibee]

10 cows stood in a field, which one came from the middle east ?

Coo 8

(apologies if already posted, couldn't be a***d to check all the pages)

[AltheHibby]

I said to the wife she should embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[J-C]

There's this concert that's only 45 cents, it's 50 featuring Nickelback.

[J-C]

Did you know that the famous painter Bob Ross had a brother named Albert who was famous for his 10 foot wingspan.

[Hibbyradge]

https://i.postimg.cc/GtYTp4xj/FB-IMG-1694990928082.jpg

[Hibbyradge]

Got caught robbing the Apple Store last night.

Too many iWitnesses.

It probably didn't have windows.

[Scouse Hibee]

The new paper boy didn’t last long, a bit of wind and he folded.

[BS44]

27217

27222

[Alfiembra]

For sale

[BS44]

27227

[AltheHibby]

27227

That is brilliant 👏

[Keith_M]

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If he won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up, declared himself beaten, said the Rabbi was too clever and the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I don't have a clue!’ the Rabbi said.

First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'

‘Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?’ shrugged the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!'



:faf:



:top marks

[Mibbes Aye]

27217

27222

:greengrin

Gary Larson cartoons are worthy of a thread in their own right

27229

[matty_f]

:greengrin

Gary Larson cartoons are worthy of a thread in their own right

27229

:agree: fantastic stuff.

[RyeSloan]

:greengrin

Gary Larson cartoons are worthy of a thread in their own right

27229

Far too smart for me I must admit!

I’ve pondered the dog one for at least 5 minutes and have decided there is a zero % chance I’m gonna grasp whatever he’s ever so cunningly getting at [emoji2957]

[Alfiembra]

Far too smart for me I must admit!

I’ve pondered the dog one for at least 5 minutes and have decided there is a zero % chance I’m gonna grasp whatever he’s ever so cunningly getting at [emoji2957]

I can sympathise with you as I find that humour is so subjective that what’s hilariously funny for one person can seem childish and not in the least bit funny to another. I think I’m in the rather simple and has to be fairly obvious group for me to find jokes/cartoons funny. Quite often if I have to think about it for too long I miss the subtlety.

For example, the dog one to me is the old woman encouraging the dog to run into the blocked up flap with the intention of either killing or seriously hurting itself and I don’t see any humour in that at all. However I also accept that it may be something completely different that is just beyond me. Nowt as funny as folk.

[Speedy]

Far too smart for me I must admit!

I’ve pondered the dog one for at least 5 minutes and have decided there is a zero % chance I’m gonna grasp whatever he’s ever so cunningly getting at [emoji2957]

I get the other two jokes. But lost of this one as well.

[grunt]

:greengrin

Gary Larson cartoons are worthy of a thread in their own right

27229
Not funny in the slightest. I'm probably missing something.

[Moulin Yarns]

Not funny in the slightest. I'm probably missing something.

I know, why would anyone find it funny that someone wants to injure a dog?

[Hibrandenburg]

I know, why would anyone find it funny that someone wants to injure a dog?

It's a cartoon, I'm pretty sure that no dogs were hurt in its creation. Despite what Wile E. Coyote kept inflicting on himself, I believe he went on to live a long and prosperous life.

[Wilson]

Not funny in the slightest. I'm probably missing something.

I'm missing it too. The only thing I've got is that a dog is man's best friend, she's not a man, and clearly not the dog's friend. Along those lines there is a bit of dark humour I suppose.

Loved the 'young Steven King' one though...

[hstn747]

What's the loneliest city in Italy?
Naples

Sent from my Pixel 7a using Tapatalk

[SaulGoodman]

40 pager.

Well it took us 12 years, but we’ve made it.

[Oscar T Grouch]

Far too smart for me I must admit!

I’ve pondered the dog one for at least 5 minutes and have decided there is a zero % chance I’m gonna grasp whatever he’s ever so cunningly getting at [emoji2957]


I can sympathise with you as I find that humour is so subjective that what’s hilariously funny for one person can seem childish and not in the least bit funny to another. I think I’m in the rather simple and has to be fairly obvious group for me to find jokes/cartoons funny. Quite often if I have to think about it for too long I miss the subtlety.

For example, the dog one to me is the old woman encouraging the dog to run into the blocked up flap with the intention of either killing or seriously hurting itself and I don’t see any humour in that at all. However I also accept that it may be something completely different that is just beyond me. Nowt as funny as folk.


I get the other two jokes. But lost of this one as well.


Not funny in the slightest. I'm probably missing something.


I know, why would anyone find it funny that someone wants to injure a dog?

Okay, I know when you explain jokes, they tend not to be funny but shirley you can see the juxtaposition of this cartoon? The normality of this situation is the small dug is usually spoilt rotten by their overbearing owners whom often carry them around in their handbags. This owner however thinks it would be funny for her dug to run full pelt into the sealed dug door. I think it is called slapstick!
I laughed when my mates dug ran full pelt into a closed patio door, she was okay after it, in fact she got so much attention from the humans around her she was happy for week, did it hurt her, aye maybe just a wee bit, was it funny, yeah definitely, did the dug have any lasting effects? Just the extra cuddles and claps from everyone who seen it, laughed and then felt sorry for her.
Anyway it is a cartoon and as a vegan I don't want any harm to come to any animals, I am pretty sure Larson managed to draw this without having to smack a wee dug called Fifi in the coupon with a 2x4.:greengrin

[RyeSloan]

Okay, I know when you explain jokes, they tend not to be funny but shirley you can see the juxtaposition of this cartoon? The normality of this situation is the small dug is usually spoilt rotten by their overbearing owners whom often carry them around in their handbags. This owner however thinks it would be funny for her dug to run full pelt into the sealed dug door. I think it is called slapstick!
I laughed when my mates dug ran full pelt into a closed patio door, she was okay after it, in fact she got so much attention from the humans around her she was happy for week, did it hurt her, aye maybe just a wee bit, was it funny, yeah definitely, did the dug have any lasting effects? Just the extra cuddles and claps from everyone who seen it, laughed and then felt sorry for her.
Anyway it is a cartoon and as a vegan I don't want any harm to come to any animals, I am pretty sure Larson managed to draw this without having to smack a wee dug called Fifi in the coupon with a 2x4.:greengrin

Fair enough and thanks for explaining.

I didn’t get the ‘joke’ as a picture of a slightly overweight woman in a decrepit house waiting for her dog to smack into a nailed up dog flap is, oddly enough, not funny in the slightest to me!

I honestly thought there must have been some alternative explanation of what the joke was or what the cartoonist was trying to say, hence my bewilderment.

And I get why a dog accidentally running into a glass patio door might be funny in a black humour sort of way but intentionally setting up the dog to injure itself and that still be funny when it did is something else completely.

Hey ho onwards with the thread I say!…

[grunt]

Okay, I know when you explain jokes, they tend not to be funny but shirley you can see the juxtaposition of this cartoon? No.


I think it is called slapstick!I think it's called animal abuse.

[Hiber-nation]

Fair enough and thanks for explaining.

I didn’t get the ‘joke’ as a picture of a slightly overweight woman in a decrepit house waiting for her dog to smack into a nailed up dog flap is, oddly enough, not funny in the slightest to me!

I honestly thought there must have been some alternative explanation of what the joke was or what the cartoonist was trying to say, hence my bewilderment.

And I get why a dog accidentally running into a glass patio door might be funny in a black humour sort of way but intentionally setting up the dog to injure itself and that still be funny when it did is something else completely.

Hey ho onwards with the thread I say!…

That's exactly where I'm at. But a lot of folk won't appreciate my sense of humour either I suppose.

[WeeRussell]

Okay, I know when you explain jokes, they tend not to be funny but shirley you can see the juxtaposition of this cartoon? The normality of this situation is the small dug is usually spoilt rotten by their overbearing owners whom often carry them around in their handbags.

I dunno - was that the norm in the early 1980s?

Like others, I thought I must've been missing something. It feels like we don't know the context or have missed previous versions required to 'get' the gag... but the OP posted it as funny in its own right so must just be us not finding it amusing.

It's nothing to do with objecting to animals (or humans) being injured in cartoons, I just don't see where the humour is in this one. Cartoons don't usually rely on straight slapstick and I don't see the subtlety or cleverness, if there is any.

Ah well, we're all different, especially when it comes to humour!

[Hiber-nation]

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which the other replies, "Yes, it's these bloody wicker chairs."

[Just Alf]

I thought it was funnyish... but not as funny as Tom and Jerry where Tom stands on a rake and gets slammed in the coupon with the handle... or the Coyote pulling back a picture of a train tunnel to find it actually IS a train tunnel behind it.. with a train a second away! ... its all a similar idea?

[Wilson]

I thought it was funnyish... but not as funny as Tom and Jerry where Tom stands on a rake and gets slammed in the coupon with the handle... or the Coyote pulling back a picture of a train tunnel to find it actually IS a train tunnel behind it.. with a train a second away! ... its all a similar idea?

Tom and Coyote are the bad guys. You are 'in on' why they are getting hit. You aren't party to the same information in this cartoon.

I still think a play on man's best friend is the only way to view it.

Whatever.

I don't think it hits the mark in terms of smart jokes so bad that they're good...

[Kato]

I thought it was funnyish... but not as funny as Tom and Jerry where Tom stands on a rake and gets slammed in the coupon with the handle... or the Coyote pulling back a picture of a train tunnel to find it actually IS a train tunnel behind it.. with a train a second away! ... its all a similar idea?Fill yer boots

https://youtu.be/PvQU5ePkGMo?si=jy2-Z70w2u_u_gO3

Sent from my SM-A528B using Tapatalk

[Hibrandenburg]

I thought it was funnyish... but not as funny as Tom and Jerry where Tom stands on a rake and gets slammed in the coupon with the handle... or the Coyote pulling back a picture of a train tunnel to find it actually IS a train tunnel behind it.. with a train a second away! ... its all a similar idea?

I think the funniest thing about this cartoon is that some people appear to find it offensive. What's next, animal rights extremists burning Gary Larson books?

[Wilson]

I think the funniest thing about this cartoon is that some people appear to find it offensive. What's next, animal rights extremists burning Gary Larson books?

Now the funniest thing about it is your reaction to people not liking it.

[grunt]

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which the other replies, "Yes, it's these bloody wicker chairs."
Now that is funny. :greengrin

[Wilson]

https://images.app.goo.gl/jmU4k3b32QC3794G7

[Hibrandenburg]

https://images.app.goo.gl/jmU4k3b32QC3794G7Love Larson, this is my favourite.

27239

Sent from my SM-A546B using Tapatalk

[Hibbyradge]

Love Larson, this is my favourite.

27239

Sent from my SM-A546B using Tapatalk

I'm usually a fan too, but I don't think the dog one was his best work.

Fear-o-sensor is brilliant!

[Speedy]

Tom and Coyote are the bad guys. You are 'in on' why they are getting hit. You aren't party to the same information in this cartoon.

I still think a play on man's best friend is the only way to view it.

Whatever.

I don't think it hits the mark in terms of smart jokes so bad that they're good...

Quite like the man's best friend explanation.

Didnt get it at first.

[Hibbyradge]

Did the person that coined the term, "One hit wonders", come up with any other phrases?

[Scouse Hibee]

Viagra…….It won’t make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.

[Keith_M]

Seeing as we're on the theme...


27253

[Keith_M]

...and...


27254

[Alfiembra]

I’ve got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin.

I can’t remember if I’m taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.

[Scouse Hibee]

Simply the best has been replaced by Rangers fans as their song. That have now adopted a song by Journey…..Don’t stop Bealelieving

[Alfiembra]

I saw a guy pushing a wheel barrow up a hill full of horse shoes, 4 leaf clovers and rabbits feet.

I thought “he’s pushing his luck”

[Northernhibee]

Argentina isn’t as warm a country as you might expect.

In fact, it’s bordering on Chile.

[J-C]

I sometimes wake up grumpy in the morning, other times though I just let her sleep.

[Hibbyradge]

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it!

It's true.

That Israeli how he makes it!!

[Alfiembra]

Hecklers Anonymous

Meeting tonight 7pm

Bring your own Boos.

[AltheHibby]

Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology.

They bug me in ways I can't put into words.

[Kato]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Sent from my SM-A528B using Tapatalk

[WeeRussell]

a priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“i’m probably a type o”, said the rabbit.

Sent from my sm-a528b using tapatalk

yes 👍

[Moulin Yarns]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks: "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He said: "They had avocados."

[zitelli62]

Two cows in a field which one is on holiday

The one with the wee calf

[Jim Herriot]

Two horses and a greyhound are in the vet's waiting room. The horses get chatting.

The first horse says "I'm actually feeling fine, but something odd happened last Saturday. I was the favourite in the one o'clock at Musselburgh. Just before the race, a guy comes into the stable and says 'Here, I'll give you a thousand quid if you don't win the next race.' Well, a thousand quid is a thousand quid. I took the money, slowed down near the end and finished second."

The second horse says "Wow. Same thing happened to me. I was the favourite in the two o'clock at Ayr. Just before the race, a guy comes into the stable and says 'Here, I'll give you two thousand quid if you don't win the next race.' Well, two thousand quid is two thousand quid. I took the money and fell at the last fence."

The greyhound says "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing you guys. Last Saturday I was the favourite in the three o'clock at Shawfield..."

And the horses say "F***ing hell, a talking dog!"

[Alfiembra]

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They say he will receive a tough sentence.

[Caversham Green]

The Beatles have a new single out and The Stones have a new top ten album.

Was it really just an hour the clocks went back last week?

[heretoday]

The Beatles have a new single out and The Stones have a new top ten album.

Was it really just an hour the clocks went back last week?

True! And Ringo has just released a new EP!

[Hibbyradge]

My grandfather tried telling everyone what would happen to the Titanic but nobody would listen.

Eventually he was asked to leave the cinema.

[Scouse Hibee]

Two blokes walked into a bar, one was knocked unconscious.

[WeeRussell]

Two blokes walked into a bar, one was knocked unconscious.

The other was dyslexic and ended up smothered in tits.

[Keith_M]

27386

[Hibbyradge]

I just bought a first aid kit...

Thought I'd treat myself.

[Northernhibee]

Did you know that the original Mortal Kombat theme came from a Scandinavian church song?

It was a Finnish hymn.

[grunt]

It’s our AGM at Constipation Club tonight. Sadly, I can't go.

[Alfiembra]

I joined a dating site for Arsonists.

Ive been sent loads of matches.

[Hiber-nation]

Can't find the old "normal" jokes thread so....

A Geordie lad is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Lad: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Lad: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad?

Lad: I may be mad Chris but I'm no grass.

[Hibbyradge]

What’s the difference between counting and accounting?








Counting: one… two… three…

Accounting: a-one… a-two… a-three

[AltheHibby]

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

[Hibbyradge]

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!

[Moulin Yarns]

The optician says that I've lost 20% of my sight.


Sigh...

[Hibrandenburg]

The optician says that I've lost 20% of my sight.


Sigh...

I've got 20 20 vision, I've not seen anything for 3 years.

[Alfiembra]

Just spent £30 on a belt that doesn’t fit……..

Huge waist.

[weedgiehibbie]

Christmas carol singing tonight- along with Bing Crosby, Don Henley, Mary Hopkin and Lee Marvin.

So now it's going to be Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I…

[Moulin Yarns]

What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?





Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

[AltheHibby]

My friend Lauri asked me where she could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for her for £500.

She was delighted and agreed. But when I eventually got it to her she was really ungrateful.

I have no idea why – it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I ever made.

[grunt]

I have no idea why – it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I ever made.
You can never have too many spreadsheet jokes.

[Moulin Yarns]

Interviewer: What is this 4 year gap in your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired!

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

[Jack]

Is there a B&Q in Quebec?