'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[c31]

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze ?
A Shoe

[J-C]

I like how KFC give me 4 portions of chips with a bargain bucket, as if I'm sharing with anyone.

[J-C]

Mick and paddy were outside the pub adding their money together and had 85 pence, "lets buy a sausage I have an idea" said mick, they walk into the next pub order two pints, a short each and down them!
Paddy drops on his knees pulls the sausage out of micks flies and starts sucking on it!
They get kick out of the pub!
Next pub they do the same and the same thing happens again!....
By the tenth pub paddy says to mick "I can't keep doing this my knees are killing me"!
To which mick replies.....
"thank **** for that! I lost the sausage in the 2nd pub".....

[CmoantheHibs]

What is the difference between man flu and a baby born 7 days ago?

Nothing they’re both just a week old.

[Northernhibee]

I never thought I’d quit my job as a beekeeper.

Then I saw her face...

[Hibbyradge]

I never thought I’d quit my job as a beekeeper.

Then I saw her face...

Not bad, sir, not bad at all.

[Mibbes Aye]

I never thought I’d quit my job as a beekeeper.

Then I saw her face...

Liked thar:greengrin

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

I never thought I’d quit my job as a beekeeper.

Then I saw her face...



Slow burner, but worth it ...:aok:

[CropleyWasGod]

I never thought I’d quit my job as a beekeeper.

Then I saw her face...

On the same theme.

My partner said she would leave me if I didn't stop my obsession with the Monkees.

I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face..

[alhibby]

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mum was furious.

[Hermit Crab]

How does a deaf gynaecologist communicate with their patients?

They lip read.

[HibbyDave]

A man goes to the optician for eye test.
They put a contraption on his face and ask him “what can you see”?
I see empty football stadia, empty theatres, closed pubs and almost no traffic.


Ah that’s perfect says the optician


You have 2020 vision

[Moulin Yarns]

"Doctor, I feel kind of blue"

Don't worry you have Mild Davis"

[J-C]

Little Suzie walks into a pet shop and asks the owner, can I have a wittle bunny wabbit? The owner thinks this is adorable so gets on his knees and asks: would you like a little black one, a little white one, or one with little spots. Little Suzie stands up and says, I don't think my python will give a flying ****!

[J-C]

I went into a Chinese last night and the guy said to me, "Woh cha woh!" So I answered, "Sweet and sour chicken please."He said, "No, woh cha woh......... the paint's still wet!

[Future17]

I went into a Chinese last night and the guy said to me, "Woh cha woh!" So I answered, "Sweet and sour chicken please."He said, "No, woh cha woh......... the paint's still wet!

A joke that definitely works better verbally. :greengrin

[CropleyWasGod]

A joke that definitely works better verbally. :greengrin

Worked for Gerard Kelly in 1979 😆

[alhibby]

You thought 2020 couldn't get any worse?

Chris Rea's car has failed its mot.

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

[Hibbyradge]

You thought 2020 couldn't get any worse?

Chris Rea's car has failed its mot.

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

That's good news.

[Moulin Yarns]

You thought 2020 couldn't get any worse?

Chris Rea's car has failed its mot.

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

Thumbing a lift home for Christmas doesn't have the same ring to it.

[CropleyWasGod]

That's good news.

You're a fool if you think it's over.

[Hibrandenburg]

You're a fool if you think it's over.

No please don't turn this into a puns thread, that's the road to hell.

[Moulin Yarns]

No please don't turn this into a puns thread, that's the road to hell.

There's Nothing to fear.

[Hibbyradge]

There's Nothing to fear.

Fear of (his) music?

New rabbit hole now open for business...

[Moulin Yarns]

Fear of (his) music?

New rabbit hole now open for business...

Ah yes, God's great banana skin right there :wink:

[CropleyWasGod]

Fear of music?

New rabbit hole now open for business...

How did I get here?

[Hiber-nation]

How did I get here?

You're on the road to nowhere now.

Why doesn't someone start up a puns thread :greengrin

[CropleyWasGod]

You're on the road to nowhere now.

Why doesn't someone start up a puns thread :greengrin

Some psycho killer would just ruin it with fitba chat.

[Northernhibee]

Did you all like the chiropractor joke I posted on here?

It was about a week back.

[J-C]

There was a bit of trouble in my class earlier, so I took one boy out and spoke to him:

"It wasn't me sir, it was him" he protested.

"I watched you hit him" I said, "it's your fault."

"But sir, he hit my nape, scratched my vertebrae and kicked my lumbar."

"Enough, I've made my decision" I shouted, "I'll have no more of your back-chat."

[Moulin Yarns]

There was a bit of trouble in my class earlier, so I took one boy out and spoke to him:

"It wasn't me sir, it was him" he protested.

"I watched you hit him" I said, "it's your fault."

"But sir, he hit my nape, scratched my vertebrae and kicked my lumbar."

"Enough, I've made my decision" I shouted, "I'll have no more of your back-chat."

he was a sacroiliac

[Since90+2]

Where does Robin Hood buy his flowers?





Sherwood Florist

[jonty]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
"Round?"

"Round..."

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round"

[Northernhibee]

There’s a scientific reason that if a human makes a noise then it will bounce off the walls and echoes, but not a pigeon.

A ‘coo’ sticks.

[Squealing pig]

What does Lewis hamilton use to phone the family on lockdown, Zooooooom

[Future17]

There’s a scientific reason that if a human makes a noise then it will bounce off the walls and echoes, but not a pigeon.

A ‘coo’ sticks.

That's terrible. :greengrin

[J-C]

I was in bed last night with the wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse." I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

[J-C]

Prince Charles takes up jogging,
each day he jogs past a hooker who calls out to him '£150'
he would call back '£5'
This went on for quite some time.
One day Camilla decided to jog with him,
he was very apprehensive as he knew what the hooker
would say. As they jogged past the hooker shouted
'See what you get for £5 you tight *******!!'

[J-C]

We were strolling along the prom this morning when a seagull dropped his crap on my very bald head.

"Oh ****," came my plaintive cry.

"Hold on," said Lorraine as she rummaged through her bag. "I've got some bits of toilet paper."

"Don't be daft," I said. "It'll be miles away by now."

😕

[heretoday]

Pupil: Sir? You wouldn't punish someone for something they hadn't done would you?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Pupil: Oh good, because I haven't done my homework.

[c31]

My French friend said to me: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
He said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

[Moulin Yarns]

My French friend said to me: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
He said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

Actually had to take a second to 'listen: to it. 👍

[hibby6270]

I was tempted to share my chiropodist joke here but decided against it, too corny.

[Moulin Yarns]

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my continual Pet Shop Boys related puns...

I said 'What have I done to deserve this ?'

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Snowman says to his pal, can you smell carrots?

[speedy_gonzales]

Snowman says to his pal, can you smell carrots?

That's up there with;

Two budgies are on their perch when one turns to the other and asks "can you smell fish?"!

[hibby6270]

This year just gets worse ,I’ve just heard Chris Rea’s car has broken down! :rolleyes:

[J-C]

This year just gets worse ,I’ve just heard Chris Rea’s car has broken down! :rolleyes:

Yea, "getting a lift home for Christmas" doesn't have the same ring to it.

[Moulin Yarns]

You thought 2020 couldn't get any worse?

Chris Rea's car has failed its mot.

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk




Thumbing a lift home for Christmas doesn't have the same ring to it.





This year just gets worse ,I’ve just heard Chris Rea’s car has broken down! :rolleyes:



Yea, "getting a lift home for Christmas" doesn't have the same ring to it.


Repeat jokes aren't funny :greengrin

[J-C]

Repeat jokes aren't funny :greengrin

Haha forgot about that post 😂👍

[Moulin Yarns]

Haha forgot about that post 😂👍

👍

[J-C]

My wife and I were out with her parents and I was telling them about our new bedroom drapes:
I said, "They're magnificent, presented in traditional 16th century English style. I close them and nobody could ever see what the 2 of us get up to in bed together."
My wife's mum said, "You have Tudor curtains?"
"That's right," I said. "And sometimes I bite her clitoris too."

[alhibby]

My wife asked

"Have you seen the dog's bowl?"

I replied

"No, I didn't know they could play cricket!"

[Jonnyboy]

My neighbour hammered on my door at 2.30 this morning.

Luckily I was still up, playing my bagpipes

[HibbyDave]

My French friend said to me: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
He said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

A myth? Is that not a female Moth?

[Hibrandenburg]

My mate has just been charged with murder after killing a guy with sandpaper, he only wanted to rough him up a bit.

[c31]

Christmas cracker joke time:-

What goes "oh, oh, oh"?
Santa walking backwards

[Future17]

I hate hypocrisy. Not my own, other people's.

[Northernhibee]

How did Bing Crosby and David Bowie fix their deflated backsides at Christmas?

With their rubber bum pump.

[c31]

I was at the optician today and he asked me what I can see,
so I told him I see empty stadiums empty airports and empty bank accounts,
and he says your sight is good you have 2020 vision

[HibbyDave]

I was at the optician today and he asked me what I can see,
so I told him I see empty stadiums empty airports and empty bank accounts,
and he says your sight is good you have 2020 vision

So good it was told twice see my post November 27th😂

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Man takes a vacuum flask back to shop and says to the owner that it doesn't work. Shop owner says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, what did you put in it? The man says two cups of coffee and a choc ice.

[J-C]

At the cinema.
ME: Two tickets please!
CASHIER: For the Hobbit?
ME: How dare you sir, she's my wife.

[Hibrandenburg]

Google "South Yorkshire police operations complex" and check out the address. :faf:

[Scouse Hibee]

Google "South Yorkshire police operations complex" and check out the address. :faf:

Is there a punchline to this joke?

[Peevemor]

Google "South Yorkshire police operations complex" and check out the address. :faf:Brilliant!

[Moulin Yarns]

Is there a punchline to this joke?

Letsby Ave
Tinsley, Sheffield S9 1XX
https://maps.app.goo.gl/mZjMXJYYVoQdjUqK9

[Hibbyradge]

Letsby Ave
Tinsley, Sheffield S9 1XX
https://maps.app.goo.gl/mZjMXJYYVoQdjUqK9

Whoosh.

[Scouse Hibee]

Whoosh.

😁

[J-C]

Malky Deidde who spent his life stressing his surname was 'deed' has collapsed. Was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead.

[Hibbyradge]

Malky Deidde who spent his life stressing his surname was 'deed' has collapsed. Was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead.

Like...

[The Modfather]

Letsby Ave
Tinsley, Sheffield S9 1XX
https://maps.app.goo.gl/mZjMXJYYVoQdjUqK9

I think I’m also having a whoosh moment. Can anyone explain the joke? I’ve googled it and read the address above and still bamboozled 🤔

[Peevemor]

I think I’m also having a whoosh moment. Can anyone explain the joke? I’ve googled it and read the address above and still bamboozled [emoji848]Police - "let's be having you"

[The Modfather]

Police - "let's be having you"

I did wonder if it was that. This old curmudgeon thinks it’s probably better suited to a smart jokes so bad they’re still bad thread 😀

[Hibrandenburg]

I did wonder if it was that. This old curmudgeon thinks it’s probably better suited to a smart jokes so bad they’re still bad thread 😀

I think it's brilliant and one of only a handful of jokes that tic all the boxes in the thread title. I'd love to know if it's pure coincidence or if it was intentional, either way it's still fantastic.

[c31]

My car broke down this morning.
Someone stopped to help. I said: "Are you a mechanic?"
"No a chiropodist" he said..
So he gave me a toe.

[alhibby]

Just had a wardrobe delivered by IKEA, not a single screw, bracket,

dowel, nothing, I thought **** me you couldn't make it up.

[J-C]

Bought a lettuce from a wee local shop called Momma's and Papa's, I can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.

[J-C]

A couple were cuddling up in bed on their wedding night; 'Darling' the bride said. 'I have a confession....I used to be a hooker'. Taken aback the groom thought for a while and then replied: 'actually that's quite erotic....tell me about it'. 'Well' she replied. 'My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan'

[Northernhibee]

Hearing of the passing of Phil Spector reminds me of one of my favourite music jokes. I met his brother Crispin once, he was head of quality control at Walkers.

[Hibbyradge]

Hearing of the passing of Phil Spector reminds me of one of my favourite music jokes. I met his brother Crispin once, he was head of quality control at Walkers.

Terrible and perfect!

[rodhibs55]

I used to date a girl that worked in and abattoir - She was a stunner.

[Hibrandenburg]

As I get older, the fear of dying alone becomes all consuming. That's why I've decided to become a bus driver.

[J-C]

As I get older, the fear of dying alone becomes all consuming. That's why I've decided to become a bus driver.


Reminds of the old joke, I want to die in my sleep like my grandad and not like the passengers on his bus.

[Hibbyradge]

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman comes walking up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show up and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy sex he will never forget.

"The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left about 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, smiles and says "That's a Gimme."

[Hibbyradge]

Probably a true story that.

[Saturday Boy]

Probably a true story that.

I never knew your grandad was a golfer 🤔

[Hibbyradge]

I never knew your grandad was a golfer 🤔

I never knew my grandad!

[J-C]

Wee laddie says to his grandad, " can we have McDonald's for tea. " " Only if you can spell it " says grandad, " F*** it, can we have KFC instead then."

[AltheHibby]

I used to really like farm machinery when I worked in agriculture. Now I work in air conditioning. I'm an extractor fan.

[rodhibs55]

Next Monday is the start of diarrhoea awareness week.
Runs till Friday

[Alfiembra]

Next Monday is the start of diarrhoea awareness week.
Runs till Friday

Thats a sh it e joke :na na:

[Silky]

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman comes walking up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show up and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy sex he will never forget.

"The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left about 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, smiles and says "That's a Gimme."

😂😂. I like that.

[Keith_M]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.


“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.


It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. The female golfer/therapist urged him to let her help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?


He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”

[Hibrandenburg]

I bought a winter hi-vis jacket but had to take it back to the shop because I kept getting static electricity shocks, they gave me a new one free of charge.

[J-C]

Someone keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off, I think I'm being stalked.

[CropleyWasGod]

I found a suitcase full of hedgehogs outside while I was clearing the snow. I phoned the RSPCA and told them and the man asked if they were moving?

I said I didn't know but it would explain the suitcase.

[rodhibs55]

I was talking to a woman on line,she asked if she could comb my hair. The next day she asked if she could give me a shave. The following day she asked if she could adjust my tie.

I think she is grooming me.

[J-C]

The young kid who was in the Milky Bar adverts has now become an eccentric Transvestite who loves splashing his money about.
He can often be found in Transgender shops shouting "The silky bra's are on me!"

[Hibbyradge]

Apologies if this has already made an appearance...

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time and this produced an impressive set of callouses. He also ate very little which made him very frail, and his odd diet meant he suffered from very bad breath.

He was a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

[Northernhibee]

50 Cent was hungry, so 58.

[J-C]

Quentin Tarantinos next big movie is based upon a 70's sitcom featuring Samuel L Jackson as the hapless accident suffering Frank Spencer.

"Some Mother ****ers Do Ave 'Em"

[Hibbyradge]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[Hibrandenburg]

I've started to learn guitar after writing several songs about sewing machines. I'm hoping to make a career as a Singer songwriter.

[hibby6270]

Clocks go forward tonight, Daylight robbery if you ask me!

[J-C]

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb.Although intrigued, I asked how we would do it? And she said, 'Acwoss the woad, against those wailings...'

[c31]

Q - Where do you get mercury from?

A - H G Wells

[Northernhibee]

My friend Joe has just completed the Dolly Parton diet.

It's kept Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeaaan.

[weedgiehibbie]

Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!

That ship has sailed

[Caversham Green]

Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!

That ship has sailed

They're celebrating the success of the operation now - they've really pushed the boat out.

[AltheHibby]

God visits Billy Graham and says as a reward for all his loyal service he can ask for anything and he will receive it. Billy thinks for a second and asks for a bridge over the Atlantic as he would prefer to drive to Europe rather than fly.

God thinks about the bridge for a minute and tells Billy all the engineering and logistical problems with a bridge. He then asks Billy if there is something else he would like as the bridge is pretty much impossible even for God.

Billy thinks and tells God that after all the years he's been married he still can't figure out his wife's mind. So he asks God to tell him how a woman's mind works.

God thinks about this for a minute and asks:







How many lanes do you want on that bridge?

[c31]

I can't sleep properly. Keep thinking I'm a horse. Five nights on the trot now.

[Hibrandenburg]

My friend introduced me to his wife today, she's a microbiologist. She's much bigger than I expected.

[K-Zazu]

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs.

[StevieT]

I can't sleep properly. Keep thinking I'm a horse. Five nights on the trot now.

Nightmare

[Hibrandenburg]

I've just found out I'm colour blind, the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

[J-C]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out! " The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too ****ing late pal, the paperwork's already done".

[J-C]

My grandson came round to visit yesterday and when my wife went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea he said, "Grandad, why does Grandma always smell of wee?""Well, you're six years old now so I guess that I should give you an honest explanation", I said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Now tell me Charlie, have you ever heard of a golden shower?"

[J-C]

What did St Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland ?

Are you alright in the back there

[c31]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.
Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....

[Hibbyradge]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.
Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....

😂😂😂

[rodhibs55]

Guy walks into the doctor.
He has a cucumber up his nose
A carrot in his left ear and
a banana in his right ear.

What's the mater with me he asks the doctor?

Doctor replies - You're not eating properly.

[Bangkok Hibby]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.
Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....

Haha, took me a second 😂😂😂😂😂

[AltheHibby]

Haha, took me a second 😂😂😂😂😂

Took me literally a minute or more of thinking the joke was stupid. Turns out the stupidity was on my end of the phone.

[Hiber-nation]

What do you call a pig that's lost it's voice?

Disgruntled.

[Scouse Hibee]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

[Hibrandenburg]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

I read that in Bernard Manning's voice.

[sleeping giant]

Q - Where do you get mercury from?

A - H G Wells

Ooft. :greengrin:

[Northernhibee]

Bugs Bunny is a very difficult person to track down. Couldn't get him on the phone, text or e-mail. In the end I had to use his WhatsApp, Doc.

[J-C]

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

[J-C]

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

[Peevemor]

. https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210514/6a36ed5704bdaaac57802b55c53a00f7.jpg

[Moulin Yarns]

. https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210514/6a36ed5704bdaaac57802b55c53a00f7.jpg

Ringo has let himself go a bit. 😉

[AltheHibby]

I asked Vincent van Gogh to bring me back a six pack of beer. He only brought three.

It's my fault for forgetting he only hear half of what I say.

[Future17]

. https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210514/6a36ed5704bdaaac57802b55c53a00f7.jpg

Would Yoda's line not be "All you need love is"? :greengrin

[Peevemor]

Ringo has let himself go a bit. [emoji6]Ringo Starr Wars!

[Radium]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210514/1e308b9be8f93f7d2a91d23763e9a55e.png


https://twitter.com/sfmnemonic/status/1393198771882835971?s=21


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[c31]

My mate said, "Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"
I said, "It's a smart tv."

[J-C]

I work as a salesman and yesterday I knocked on someone's door. A young boy, about 10 years old answered with a glass of whisky in one hand and a cigar in the other. "Are your parents in young man?" I asked. "Does it ****ing look like they're in", he replied.

[J-C]

My wife's been missing a week now and the police said to prepare for the worst, so I'm going round all the charity shops to get her clothes back.

[c31]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side
You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.” 😂😂😂

[Just Alf]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side
You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.” [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]My wife didn't think this was funny!


:rofl:



Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk

[AltheHibby]

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for him.

[Future17]

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for him.

:greengrin

[Hibrandenburg]

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for him.

:greengrin yep, ticks all the boxes in the thread title.

[AltheHibby]

:greengrin yep, ticks all the boxes in the thread title.

Thank you. But to be fair, I spotted it on Twitter.

[CmoantheHibs]

Just checked my home insurance and apparently if my duvet gets stolen during the night I’m not covered.

[Northernhibee]

Thank you. But to be fair, I spotted it on Twitter.

It’s the least you could do for them.

[Hibbyradge]

Thank you. But to be fair, I spotted it on Twitter.

You get dogs on Twitter?

[AltheHibby]

It’s the least you could do for them.

🤣 I didn't even realise what I had said.

[Moulin Yarns]

Partick thistle, known as the the jags in Scotland, but the jabs in England.


I'll tell the same joke in 8 weeks so that you are double jagged. 😉

[J-C]

I'm late for the National Flatfish Cookery Competition.Better get my skates on.

[J-C]

Found a load of little chinese sailing boats in the toilet.Thats it, no more junk food.

[J-C]

Hello is that 555555?"Yes" can you call an ambulance for me. I've glued my finger to the phone !

[Scouse Hibee]

A Scottish man, an Irish man and a Welsh man walk into a pub, there’s normally an English man but he’s still at Euro 2020 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

[Just Alf]

A Scottish man, an Irish man and a Welsh man walk into a pub, there’s normally an English man but he’s still at Euro 2020 [emoji1022]󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿




Ha ha! Give you that one!



I suppose:greengrin

[c31]

Magician: I can make anything disappear.
Tom: (Holding cup), okay, make my tea disappear
Magician: Shazam
om: Nothing happened?

[147lothian]

How do you chat up a farm girl?

A tractor :wink:

[Speedy]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'

[speedy_gonzales]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Now that's a smart joke!

[Hibrandenburg]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'

Maybe I'm too thick to understand the joke. Does it have something to do with the White Star Line and Cocaine?

[CropleyWasGod]

Maybe I'm too thick to understand the joke. Does it have something to do with the White Star Line and Cocaine?

Read it aloud.

Disclaimer. Unless you're at it, and I've been whooshed 😆

[StevieT]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'

Very good :top marks

[weecounty hibby]

Please help me. I'm still no getting it

[CropleyWasGod]

Please help me. I'm still no getting it

Read it aloud. Pause after Kofi.

[Hibrandenburg]

Read it aloud.

Disclaimer. Unless you're at it, and I've been whooshed 😆

Go chat!

[Moulin Yarns]

Go chat!

🤣🤣

[Scouse Hibee]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'
😂

[CmoantheHibs]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'
Took me a few reads but I got there. :greengrin

[Just Alf]

Took me a few reads but I got there. :greengrinI was tearing my hair out at one point!... certainly fits the thread title!

:greengrin

[weecounty hibby]

Seven hours later and I've finally got it!!🙃

[Peanut Shaz]

Seven hours later and I've finally got it!!🙃


Me too. Quite chuffed actually

[Hiber-nation]

Seven hours later and I've finally got it!!🙃

Took me 5 minutes but I don't actually find it funny :greengrin

[Hibrandenburg]

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a train driver?

Ask them to pronounce "unionised".

[Killiehibbie]

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a train driver?

Ask them to pronounce "unionised".

No chance I could ever have been a chemist.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

After an hour or so I went to him and said:

Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'

Brilliant. That's in a tie with the photographer joke for the best slow burner.

[Moulin Yarns]

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a train driver?

Ask them to pronounce "unionised".

I think that might get a negative reaction. 😉

[Peevemor]

Brilliant. That's in a tie with the photographer joke for the best slow burner.3 days for me!

[J-C]

Was trying to sell my pet python.
Guy asks "Is it big?"
I said "Huge"
He says "How many feet?"
I said "None, it's a snake"

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Elton John bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. Now it's a little fit bunny.

[Northernhibee]

Bought a Mamas and Papas salad from Tesco.

It’s terrible, all the leaves are brown.

[AltheHibby]

Bought a Mamas and Papas salad from Tesco.

It’s terrible, all the leaves are brown.

I don't know which is worse; your last 2 contributions or the fact they made me laugh 🤔

[CropleyWasGod]

Bought a Mamas and Papas salad from Tesco.

It’s terrible, all the leaves are brown.

In that theme.

I woke up in the middle of last night, and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing beside my bed.

At first I was afraid.

[Radium]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210726/4aba5ccca36cacf1e5c78264804cf35e.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[weecounty hibby]

I'm just really thankful that I got the last three or four right away no matter the quality. 🤡

[Speedy]

Brilliant. That's in a tie with the photographer joke for the best slow burner.

What was the photographer joke?

[Future17]

What was the photographer joke?

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.

Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....

EDIT: Originally posted by c31

[Speedy]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.

Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....

EDIT: Originally posted by c31

:greengrin

[Hibbyradge]

Had a full 3hrs of sex last night. We decided to have a wee bit of role play to spice things up.

She was dressed as a Doctor, white coat, nothing on underneath except stockings and suspenders, stethoscope round the neck.

I was the patient with imaginary illness. Was in the waiting room for *** 2 hrs 58mins.

[Scouse Hibee]

My wife insisted on having a ceiling mirror fitted so we could see ourselves having fun in the bedroom. On reflection it was a bad idea.

[Silky]

Had a full 3hrs of sex last night. We decided to have a wee bit of role play to spice things up.

She was dressed as a Doctor, white coat, nothing on underneath except stockings and suspenders, stethoscope round the neck.

I was the patient with imaginary illness. Was in the waiting room for *** 2 hrs 58mins.

😂😂

[c31]

I went to a fetish restaurant last week'
----i got toed in the hole !!!

[Scouse Hibee]

I thought I had agreed to buy a classic car when I answered the ad but ended up with a very young and small barrel maker.

[Northernhibee]

I thought I had agreed to buy a classic car when I answered the ad but ended up with a very young and small barrel maker.

Excellent.

[AltheHibby]

I thought I had agreed to buy a classic car when I answered the ad but ended up with a very young and small barrel maker.

Go on then, explain it to me.

[CropleyWasGod]

Go on then, explain it to me.

Think Italian Job :greengrin

[Hibrandenburg]

Go on then, explain it to me.

Think of a very small British boxing legend who lost against Muhammad Ali.

[Moulin Yarns]

Think of a very small British boxing legend who lost against Muhammad Ali.

Who lived in Fife, nickety......

[Peevemor]

Who lived in Fife, nickety......The wee Fifer who lived in Cupar?

[AltheHibby]

Duh! Thanks all. The stupid is strong with me today.

Great joke now that I understand it!🤣

[J-C]

I used to run a dating agency for chickens but I was struggling to make hens meet.

[Moulin Yarns]

Barbie is 64 this year but still looks 24,do you think she has had plastic surgery?

[c31]

What do you call a dog with no tongue?
-Stinky baws!

[c31]

Met this lovely woman, with a beautiful red dress on, real slinky number you know....I told her she looked great but she looked fantastic when she came down the stairs.

[Hibbyradge]

Met this lovely woman, with a beautiful red dress on, real slinky number you know....I told her she looked great but she looked fantastic when she came down the stairs.

Nope. Slinky reference maybe?

[Moulin Yarns]

Nope. Slinky reference maybe?

Ah!! That's maybe it.

[RyeSloan]

Nope. Slinky reference maybe?

Off topic I know but Slinky’s are weird things…when you drop them, even from a roof, the bottom doesn’t move until the top is at the same height. Weird indeed.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=olHiFG35dBg

[Hibbyradge]

A lawyer representing a very wealthy art dealer phoned him and said "Hi Paul, I've got good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?"

The art dealer said "I've had a rubbish day so far, so give me the good news first and it might raise my spirits".

"Well, I met with your wife today and she told me that she invested £1500 in two pictures which she thinks will fetch between 10 and 15 million and I think she is probably right".

"Wow" says Paul enthusiastically, "My wife is a brilliant business woman and has a great eye for high art. You really have cheered me up. Now I can handle any bad news you care to throw at me.

The lawyer said, "The pictures were of you and your secretary".

[Alfiembra]

I came across a sign that said Duck,eggs

I thought that’s an unnecessary comma.

Then it hit me.

[Scouse Hibee]

Was telling my doctor that every time I go for a hospital appointment, I sit in the waiting room for hours and then end up with a bad back when I am called, he said Ben I think you’re being ridiculous it can’t be that bad. Just then his receptionist called “Mr Dover you prescription is ready” so left.

[Kato]

How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.
One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the p*nis, I mean ladder.

Sent from my SM-A405FN using Tapatalk

[alhibby]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a hotel'

He said, 'Can I examine you'?

I said, 'Be my guest'

[Alfiembra]

Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

[CropleyWasGod]

The inventor of the anagram is dead.

May he erect a *****.

[Moulin Yarns]

The inventor of the anagram is dead.

May he erect a *****.

I don't mind doing cryptic crosswords but the clues are usually a bit more obvious 😉 however I think the answer begins with a C.

[CropleyWasGod]

I don't mind doing cryptic crosswords but the clues are usually a bit more obvious 😉 however I think the answer begins with a C.

The swear filter stomped all over the punchline. :rolleyes:

Anatomical name for a dick (5 letters).

[nonshinyfinish]

Has anyone had Kentucky Freud Chicken?

It's motherf***in' good.

[Future17]

The inventor of the anagram is dead.

May he erect a *****.


The swear filter stomped all over the punchline. :rolleyes:

Anatomical name for a dick (5 letters).

Made me laugh! :greengrin

[grunt]

Made me laugh! :greengrin
Took me far too long to work it out.

[CropleyWasGod]

Took me far too long to work it out.

I'm here all week if anyone else needs more time 😆

[AltheHibby]

CWG, as one accountant to another, let me just say you're a debit to our profession.

[Hibrandenburg]

It's been a strange kind of day. First I found a hat full of money and then I was chased by an angry man threatening to clobber me with a saxophone.

[Northernhibee]

Just bought a wig for £2.

It was a small price toupeè

[Hibrandenburg]

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

[J-C]

What's ET short for.


Because he has wee legs.

[AltheHibby]

I could tell you dummies that abstemious is the most commonly used word in the English language with all 5 vowels in order, but that would be facetious.

[Keith_M]

Not an actual joke but I overheard a couple in the supermarket have the following conversation in the drinks aisle in Asda...


Girl: "Is that still water?"

Guy: "Well unless Jesus has been here recently, it probably is"

[Hibbyradge]

I used to suffer from premature ejaculation but I was too shy and embarrassed to do anything about.

I eventually worked up the courage to go to the doctor, showed her my ***** and said "I'm worried I might be premature."

She said "You certainly are. I'm the receptionist"!

[Northernhibee]

Why did the Beatles split up?

Paul drank a Red Bull.

[Just_Jimmy]

Why did the Beatles split up?

Paul drank a Red Bull.Only the band the beatles could have been!

Sent from my SM-G991B using Tapatalk

[Hibbyradge]

Why did the Beatles split up?

Paul drank a Red Bull.

Very good 👍

[AltheHibby]

My boy was born in my motor on the way to hospital. I hope he likes being called Carson.

[Keith_M]

I went to watch a UB40 tribute band last night, called WD40.


They were a bit rough at first but really got into their rhythm after a while.

[Killiehibbie]

Why did the Beatles split up?

Paul drank a Red Bull.

New record for me, 2 days to get it.

[alhibby]

New record for me, 2 days to get it.Still trying to work it out.....

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

[Killiehibbie]

Still trying to work it out.....

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

Another 2 days and I'll tell you.

[Moulin Yarns]

Another 2 days and I'll tell you.

I think, if you don't get it right away then, it's either not worth the effort or isn't even a joke. 😉

[CropleyWasGod]

Still trying to work it out.....

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

You can work it out, and get it straight, or say goodnight.

OR

Won't you listen to what the man said?

[Killiehibbie]

I think, if you don't get it right away then, it's either not worth the effort or isn't even a joke. 😉
Mull(of Kintyre) it over a bit longer.

[Hibbyradge]

I think, if you don't get it right away then, it's either not worth the effort or isn't even a joke. 😉

The ones which take a while for the penny to drop are often great, imo.

Some are definitely hopeless, but that's true of any type of joke.

[Hibbyradge]

Still trying to work it out.....

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

That was before they broke up, obvs...

[Hibrandenburg]

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch for lunch. I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?

"The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

[Keith_M]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[Killiehibbie]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I guess you'll tell me later?

[Hibrandenburg]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Don't answer his questions on a football forum? :dunno:

[Hibbyradge]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Put them in suspense and keep them there.

Simple.

[Scouse Hibee]

Guy walked into a pub with a steering wheel hanging from his belt and ordered a pint. The barman said “do you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your belt”
The guy replied “yes it’s driving me nuts”

[WoreTheGreen]

Man goes to doctor and says “I’ve got a bit of a embarrassing problem
When I go for a s..t it comes out like chips
Doc drop your kegs and bend over before grabbing a big pair of sisores
The man it’s terrified and hears snip snip
Right that’s you cured
Great doc what did you do
Doc replied I cut 6 inches of your string vest

[AltheHibby]

Guy walked into a pub with a steering wheel hanging from his belt and ordered a pint. The barman said “do you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your belt”
The guy replied “yes it’s driving me nuts”

Another guy goes to the doctor wearing nothing but clingfilm around his nethers. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

[Moulin Yarns]

Another guy goes to the doctor wearing nothing but clingfilm around his nethers. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Both 'jokes' are the low hanging fruits of humour 😉