Partick thistle, known as the the jags in Scotland, but the jabs in England.
I'll tell the same joke in 8 weeks so that you are double jagged. 😉
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Partick thistle, known as the the jags in Scotland, but the jabs in England.
I'll tell the same joke in 8 weeks so that you are double jagged. 😉
I'm late for the National Flatfish Cookery Competition.Better get my skates on.
Found a load of little chinese sailing boats in the toilet.Thats it, no more junk food.
Hello is that 555555?"Yes" can you call an ambulance for me. I've glued my finger to the phone !
A Scottish man, an Irish man and a Welsh man walk into a pub, there’s normally an English man but he’s still at Euro 2020 🏴
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
Ha ha! Give you that one!
I suppose:greengrin
Magician: I can make anything disappear.
Tom: (Holding cup), okay, make my tea disappear
Magician: Shazam
om: Nothing happened?
How do you chat up a farm girl?
A tractor :wink:
When I worked in the UN, I was asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.
After an hour or so I went to him and said:
Kofi, at the moment the only thing I have is 'Oceanic'
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Now that's a smart joke!Quote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
Maybe I'm too thick to understand the joke. Does it have something to do with the White Star Line and Cocaine?Quote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
Read it aloud.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Disclaimer. Unless you're at it, and I've been whooshed 😆
Very good :top marksQuote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
Please help me. I'm still no getting it
Read it aloud. Pause after Kofi.Quote:
Originally Posted by weecounty hibby
Go chat!Quote:
Originally Posted by CropleyWasGod
🤣🤣Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
😂Quote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
Took me a few reads but I got there. :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
I was tearing my hair out at one point!... certainly fits the thread title!Quote:
Originally Posted by CmoantheHibs
:greengrin
Seven hours later and I've finally got it!!🙃
Quote:
Originally Posted by weecounty hibby
Me too. Quite chuffed actually
Took me 5 minutes but I don't actually find it funny :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by weecounty hibby
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a train driver?
Ask them to pronounce "unionised".
No chance I could ever have been a chemist.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Brilliant. That's in a tie with the photographer joke for the best slow burner.Quote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
I think that might get a negative reaction. 😉Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
3 days for me!Quote:
Originally Posted by NORTHERNHIBBY
Was trying to sell my pet python.
Guy asks "Is it big?"
I said "Huge"
He says "How many feet?"
I said "None, it's a snake"
Elton John bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. Now it's a little fit bunny.
Bought a Mamas and Papas salad from Tesco.
It’s terrible, all the leaves are brown.
I don't know which is worse; your last 2 contributions or the fact they made me laugh 🤔Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee
In that theme.Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee
I woke up in the middle of last night, and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing beside my bed.
At first I was afraid.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...64804cf35e.jpg
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I'm just really thankful that I got the last three or four right away no matter the quality. 🤡
What was the photographer joke?Quote:
Originally Posted by NORTHERNHIBBY
A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.Quote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....
EDIT: Originally posted by c31
:greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Future17
Had a full 3hrs of sex last night. We decided to have a wee bit of role play to spice things up.
She was dressed as a Doctor, white coat, nothing on underneath except stockings and suspenders, stethoscope round the neck.
I was the patient with imaginary illness. Was in the waiting room for *** 2 hrs 58mins.
My wife insisted on having a ceiling mirror fitted so we could see ourselves having fun in the bedroom. On reflection it was a bad idea.
😂😂Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
I went to a fetish restaurant last week'
----i got toed in the hole !!!
I thought I had agreed to buy a classic car when I answered the ad but ended up with a very young and small barrel maker.
Excellent.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
Go on then, explain it to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
Think Italian Job :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Think of a very small British boxing legend who lost against Muhammad Ali.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Who lived in Fife, nickety......Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
The wee Fifer who lived in Cupar?Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
Duh! Thanks all. The stupid is strong with me today.
Great joke now that I understand it!🤣
I used to run a dating agency for chickens but I was struggling to make hens meet.
Barbie is 64 this year but still looks 24,do you think she has had plastic surgery?
What do you call a dog with no tongue?
-Stinky baws!
Met this lovely woman, with a beautiful red dress on, real slinky number you know....I told her she looked great but she looked fantastic when she came down the stairs.
Nope. Slinky reference maybe?Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
Ah!! That's maybe it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
Off topic I know but Slinky’s are weird things…when you drop them, even from a roof, the bottom doesn’t move until the top is at the same height. Weird indeed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=olHiFG35dBg
A lawyer representing a very wealthy art dealer phoned him and said "Hi Paul, I've got good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?"
The art dealer said "I've had a rubbish day so far, so give me the good news first and it might raise my spirits".
"Well, I met with your wife today and she told me that she invested £1500 in two pictures which she thinks will fetch between 10 and 15 million and I think she is probably right".
"Wow" says Paul enthusiastically, "My wife is a brilliant business woman and has a great eye for high art. You really have cheered me up. Now I can handle any bad news you care to throw at me.
The lawyer said, "The pictures were of you and your secretary".
I came across a sign that said Duck,eggs
I thought that’s an unnecessary comma.
Then it hit me.
Was telling my doctor that every time I go for a hospital appointment, I sit in the waiting room for hours and then end up with a bad back when I am called, he said Ben I think you’re being ridiculous it can’t be that bad. Just then his receptionist called “Mr Dover you prescription is ready” so left.
How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the p*nis, I mean ladder.
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Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a hotel'
He said, 'Can I examine you'?
I said, 'Be my guest'
Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.
The inventor of the anagram is dead.
May he erect a *****.
I don't mind doing cryptic crosswords but the clues are usually a bit more obvious 😉 however I think the answer begins with a C.Quote:
Originally Posted by CropleyWasGod
The swear filter stomped all over the punchline. :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
Anatomical name for a dick (5 letters).
Has anyone had Kentucky Freud Chicken?
It's motherf***in' good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CropleyWasGod
Made me laugh! :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by CropleyWasGod
Took me far too long to work it out.Quote:
Originally Posted by Future17
I'm here all week if anyone else needs more time 😆Quote:
Originally Posted by grunt
CWG, as one accountant to another, let me just say you're a debit to our profession.
It's been a strange kind of day. First I found a hat full of money and then I was chased by an angry man threatening to clobber me with a saxophone.
Just bought a wig for £2.
It was a small price toupeè
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
What's ET short for.
Because he has wee legs.
I could tell you dummies that abstemious is the most commonly used word in the English language with all 5 vowels in order, but that would be facetious.
Not an actual joke but I overheard a couple in the supermarket have the following conversation in the drinks aisle in Asda...
Girl: "Is that still water?"
Guy: "Well unless Jesus has been here recently, it probably is"
I used to suffer from premature ejaculation but I was too shy and embarrassed to do anything about.
I eventually worked up the courage to go to the doctor, showed her my ***** and said "I'm worried I might be premature."
She said "You certainly are. I'm the receptionist"!
Why did the Beatles split up?
Paul drank a Red Bull.
Only the band the beatles could have been!Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee
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Very good 👍Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee
My boy was born in my motor on the way to hospital. I hope he likes being called Carson.
I went to watch a UB40 tribute band last night, called WD40.
They were a bit rough at first but really got into their rhythm after a while.
New record for me, 2 days to get it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee
Still trying to work it out.....Quote:
Originally Posted by Killiehibbie
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Another 2 days and I'll tell you.Quote:
Originally Posted by alhibby
I think, if you don't get it right away then, it's either not worth the effort or isn't even a joke. 😉Quote:
Originally Posted by Killiehibbie
You can work it out, and get it straight, or say goodnight.Quote:
Originally Posted by alhibby
OR
Won't you listen to what the man said?
Mull(of Kintyre) it over a bit longer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
The ones which take a while for the penny to drop are often great, imo.Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
Some are definitely hopeless, but that's true of any type of joke.
That was before they broke up, obvs...Quote:
Originally Posted by alhibby
Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch for lunch. I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?
"The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I guess you'll tell me later?Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Don't answer his questions on a football forum? :dunno:Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Put them in suspense and keep them there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Simple.
Guy walked into a pub with a steering wheel hanging from his belt and ordered a pint. The barman said “do you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your belt”
The guy replied “yes it’s driving me nuts”
Man goes to doctor and says “I’ve got a bit of a embarrassing problem
When I go for a s..t it comes out like chips
Doc drop your kegs and bend over before grabbing a big pair of sisores
The man it’s terrified and hears snip snip
Right that’s you cured
Great doc what did you do
Doc replied I cut 6 inches of your string vest
Another guy goes to the doctor wearing nothing but clingfilm around his nethers. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
Both 'jokes' are the low hanging fruits of humour 😉Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby