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  1. 07-11-2023 01:32 PM #1231
    Scouse Hibee
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    Two blokes walked into a bar, one was knocked unconscious.
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  2. 07-11-2023 05:57 PM #1232
    WeeRussell
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee View Post
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    Two blokes walked into a bar, one was knocked unconscious.
    The other was dyslexic and ended up smothered in tits.
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  3. 10-11-2023 06:23 PM #1233
    Keith_M
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    GingerbreadMan.jpg
    Last edited by Keith_M; 10-11-2023 at 06:27 PM.
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  4. 11-11-2023 05:58 PM #1234
    Hibbyradge
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    I just bought a first aid kit...

    Thought I'd treat myself.
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  5. 12-11-2023 05:58 PM #1235
    Northernhibee
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    Did you know that the original Mortal Kombat theme came from a Scandinavian church song?

    It was a Finnish hymn.


    Do you think your security can keep you in purity, you will not shake us off above or below. Scottish friction, Scottish fiction
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  6. 22-11-2023 10:24 PM #1236
    grunt
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    It’s our AGM at Constipation Club tonight. Sadly, I can't go.
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  7. 23-11-2023 12:05 PM #1237
    Alfiembra
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    I joined a dating site for Arsonists.

    Ive been sent loads of matches.
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  8. 27-11-2023 11:34 AM #1238
    Hiber-nation
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    Can't find the old "normal" jokes thread so....

    A Geordie lad is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

    Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

    Ronnie Biggs
    Ronnie O'Sullivan
    Ronnie Corbett
    Ronnie Wood

    Take your time

    Lad: I'll take the money Chris

    Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

    Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

    Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

    Lad: I know the answer Chris.

    Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad?

    Lad: I may be mad Chris but I'm no grass.
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  9. 30-11-2023 12:58 PM #1239
    Hibbyradge
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    What’s the difference between counting and accounting?








    Counting: one… two… three…

    Accounting: a-one… a-two… a-three
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!


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  10. 01-12-2023 07:38 AM #1240
    AltheHibby
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    War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
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  11. 02-12-2023 11:44 AM #1241
    Hibbyradge
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    How much does a chimney cost?

    Nothing, it's on the house!
    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!


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  12. 02-12-2023 04:05 PM #1242
    Moulin Yarns
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    The optician says that I've lost 20% of my sight.


    Sigh...
    There is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
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  13. 09-12-2023 12:59 PM #1243
    Hibrandenburg
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns View Post
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    The optician says that I've lost 20% of my sight.


    Sigh...
    I've got 20 20 vision, I've not seen anything for 3 years.
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  14. 10-12-2023 05:23 PM #1244
    Alfiembra
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    Just spent £30 on a belt that doesn’t fit……..

    Huge waist.
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  15. 12-12-2023 06:36 PM #1245
    weedgiehibbie
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    Christmas carol singing tonight- along with Bing Crosby, Don Henley, Mary Hopkin and Lee Marvin.

    So now it's going to be Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I…
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  16. 12-12-2023 09:03 PM #1246
    Moulin Yarns
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    What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?





    Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
    There is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
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  17. 10-01-2024 08:59 AM #1247
    AltheHibby
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    My friend Lauri asked me where she could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for her for £500.

    She was delighted and agreed. But when I eventually got it to her she was really ungrateful.

    I have no idea why – it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I ever made.
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  18. 10-01-2024 10:07 AM #1248
    grunt
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    Quote Originally Posted by AltheHibby View Post
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    I have no idea why – it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I ever made.
    You can never have too many spreadsheet jokes.
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  19. 11-01-2024 03:01 PM #1249
    Moulin Yarns
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    Interviewer: What is this 4 year gap in your resume?

    Me: That's when I went to Yale.

    Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired!

    Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.
    There is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
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  20. 12-01-2024 07:03 AM #1250
    Jack
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    Is there a B&Q in Quebec?
    Space to let
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  21. 19-01-2024 01:20 PM #1251
    AltheHibby
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    3 men met at a party and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

    “I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."

    The second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

    The third guy was silent until he the other two prodded him.

    “Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe
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  22. 22-01-2024 08:30 PM #1252
    Scouse Hibee
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    I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
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  23. 24-01-2024 06:10 PM #1253
    Keith_M
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    I've just started a rock band as a tribute to both Chris Rea and Dire Straits.

    I'm calling it 'Dire-Rea'.
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  24. 26-01-2024 12:21 AM #1254
    Babyshamble
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    My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with only fools and horses....
    I said OK
    I'll fetch the suitcase from the van....
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  25. 30-01-2024 01:01 PM #1255
    AltheHibby
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    A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
    The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
    "I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit
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  26. 30-01-2024 08:31 PM #1256
    Keith_M
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    Quote Originally Posted by AltheHibby View Post
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    A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
    The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
    "I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit

    Oops!

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  27. 30-01-2024 08:46 PM #1257
    AltheHibby
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith_M View Post
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    In my defence, I only saw it today and at my age my memory doesn't go back to last week, never mind any earlier!
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  28. 31-01-2024 05:27 PM #1258
    Keith_M
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    Quote Originally Posted by AltheHibby View Post
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    In my defence, I only saw it today and at my age my memory doesn't go back to last week, never mind any earlier!

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  29. 31-01-2024 06:28 PM #1259
    Moulin Yarns
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    I got fired from my job, because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”.

    Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.
    There is no such thing as too much yarn, just not enough time.
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  30. 01-02-2024 07:40 AM #1260
    AltheHibby
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns View Post
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    I got fired from my job, because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”.

    Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.
    Oy, you. I came here to post that!
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