Depression and anxiety

[wpj]

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Irrespective of what your ex wife thinks you are, you are your daughter’s father and should be able to see her.

Yea, I will see her soon. Just need to get my S!the together
My brother will read this and I know he and his wife will look after me. I'm very lucky. Could be a few days I'm Liverpool. My family are everywhere.

[Scouse Hibee]

The anguish and distress that has been shared on this thread has truly humbled me, I really don’t know what to say, the courage of those that have posted is remarkable it really is. You speak to people on message boards that you have never met, sometimes you disagree, you might even have a dig at them and you have absolutely no idea of what sort of place they are in or how they feel and how you can impact them.
I can offer no advice or personal experience but I sincerely applaud you guys for being able to share your experiences and hope that somehow with help you eventually manage to find true happiness in your lives. I have never felt so overwhelmed emotionally just by reading a post, HC & PH in particular, you guys please don’t ever give up.

[Hibrandenburg]

Some powerful reading here. I'm just glad you're all here to share. I've had my ups and downs like anyone in life, especially during childhood but nothing like what you guys have as adults. I hope you all manage a way to channel your obvious talents and powerful thoughts into something positive that gives you joy.

[wpj]

I'm now unable to type. This awful IL mess is a daily battle.
I am functioning g but not really

[Pedantic_Hibee]

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I'm now unable to type. This awful IL mess is a daily battle.
I am functioning g but not really

One step at a time.

[wpj]

Haha I only have one functional leg. I enjoy hopping though. Two heart attacks and a stroke have broken me pretty much. I do rock a green cane! Big up to all who post here. The Devon sunshine has been a major boost to my health. I was born here and became a Hibee, my dad worked in dockyards and we went to Scotland. My dad was an Argyle man so I chose Hibernian, a lifetime passion that to this day I love.

[Hermit Crab]

@ Pedantic Hibee



Now I know people on this board know me personally and I work with some of them and if any of this was ever repeated I would be very disappointed in them, I know this is a public message board but its taken me a long time building up to post this so please keep this private and confidential. Thank you.

Before my son came along we had a great relationship, always had fun, going out, going on holidays etc and generally just enjoyed each others company. It was after my son was born that the problems started. We had to buy a house and fast, the problem was we had never actually lived together before that at apart from me staying at her flat a few days at a time because at the time I still stayed with my folks.

We found a house and put our savings together and got enough for a deposit, we moved in early Feb 18 less than a month before my son was born. It was a complete shock, a game changer becoming a parent, both of us didn't have a clue although she coped far better than me. I made a right shop front of it. I just continued to go to every Hibs game home and away and just totally left her to it. I never interacted with with my boy, never helped her out and and continued to do the football and nights out. She then suffered from post natal depression and anxiety which put her off work for 6 months, I still didn't help though, I still continued to play the single mans game (I never ever cheated though) by going out all the time etc. Eventually she cracked, she asked me to change and move out for a bit in Oct 19. I convinced her to let me stay on the pretence that I would change and I did for a short period of time before I soon slotted back into my old ways of football and drinking. She asked mr to go and see a councillor with her on Tuesday and do you know what I did? I went to Preston v Man City in the Carabao cup, I drove down to preston to an EFFING football match instead of going to see about sorting our relationship. Madness, absolute madness.

Eventually in Dec 19 she asked me to move out for a short period of time, I went to my parents in January this year and ended up staying there until the end of February. During that time at my folks I was so mad with myself and upset of course as I thought that it was over. I stepped up my game, did absolutely everything she ever asked of me in regards to looking after my son, spending time with him and even paying off her credit card to ensure she was debt free, made sure she always had a full fridge and freezer etc. Between January and March I had crammed about 18months of bonding into 3 months and I was delighted that my son would shout daddies home when I came round to the house. I was also determined to win her back and get our relationship back on track. Covid didn't not help though as lockdown restrictions severely hampered my plans.

Around the middle of March this year I finally convinced her that I was a changed man and she let me come back, initially it was only going to be a few days at a time to build up to getting back together permanently which was fine with me but then something unthinkable happened that absolutely knackered the whole thing. I got hospitalised with a very rare condition called Erythema Multiforme Major.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/erythema-multiforme/ Google the images and you'll see how horrific it was. Got some light permanent scarring on my hands and arms.

I was bedridden for a whole week before I was eventually admitted to hospital as I just couldn't move, every time I stood up I was going to collapse, I couldn't eat or drink either, I was covered in a horrible painful rash all over my body apart from my head. Whilst in hospital I collapsed whilst getting a chest X-ray done and I tell you if thats how you go you do not feel a thing. I woke up on the floor with about 6 people around me someone shouting his blood pressures dropping lets get him moved quickly. I lost 3 stone in 2 weeks as I never ate anything other than some of the hospital meals and drank water. Being in hospital with no visitors was tough, I never even had a toilet in my room, I had one window and a bed pan. I was in the covid holding ward. I even had 2 biopsies taken from my elbow but they still couldn't work out what caused this virus to start. Got 3 covid tests and all were negative. I was released at my request after 5 days but I should have stayed in as I was still ill and small things like standing up and going upstairs put me out of breath. It took me over 2 months to get my strength back and put on a bit of weight so that I looked normal again. All this was during strictest lockdown as well so I couldn't leave the house or see anyone.

After I recovered my partner was how shall we say all frosty again, totally different to when just before I got ill when we were getting on great. I tried my best to please her but nothing worked, I did everything I could around the house, taking my boy out so she could get rest etc. I just plodded along for a few months trying to be the best dad and partner I could until one day I couldn't take the cold shoulder anymore and I just cracked and asked her what the problem with me was. She told me she didn't love me and couldn't forgive me for not being there for the first 18 months of my boys life. I totally get that but I thought I'd made amends by stepping up and being a great dad and partner. I even changed my shifts at work so I am at home everyday instead of being away to London upto 6 nights a week and in doing so I done myself out of 10k a year in overtime. I didn't care about the money though as I was there for my boy. I even jacked in the football and season ticket so I could spend days with my boy.

So we had split and we agreed to both still live together as renting another place just wasn't an option for either of us. It started out fine and we really got on great to be honest, still no chance of rekindling though. I slowly but surely defended into a darker and darker place, I just couldn't bear not being a couple and being there living together. It is really tough and I slowly started thinking worse case scenarios and of course it was all in my head. Started thinking about ending it all and then the self harming started. It doesn't even hurt, my arms look like they've been attacked by a cat. Cuts everywhere. When I went off grid the other week of course I considered suicide. Was I really going to do it? I think I was until I was sat with Definitely Maybe on in the car staring down the pier in the storm and Live Forever was on. The line 'We'll see things they'll never see' struck at me because if I stay alive I've got the chance to see things they'll never see with my boy. My suffering would be over but it would be only the beginning of suffering for my boy and family and friends so I started my car and drove off and headed back towards home.

Im still very deeply hurt and madly in love with my boys mum. That is not going to change anytime soon, I pray that in the future if I get help and cut out the self harming nonsense then her feelings MAY change. I'm 36 today and we had a blazing row earlier after which I apologised for my outburst and I did ask her to let me know in the future if her feelings change and she kind of hinted a wee bit that if I get help and get sorted then who knows what could happen. I'm 100% not interested in anyone else and of course I'm not thinking for 1 minute that its dead cert we will get back together but its something for me to work towards. I'm absolutely head over heels for her. She is the mother of my child, an amazing woman and I have no doubt that I will love her until the day I do die.

Thats my story so far. I'm away for a lie down now.

[Just Alf]

HC, I saw you 'come back' post on the other thread a minute or so after you'd posted it, I was over the moon you were back but I'm struggling myself so didn't post.

I've just read the post above and really appreciate the massive struggle you've shared, you are not alone, your post has helped me a bit tonight and I want you to keep in mind many of the .net community can help with chats and stuff and even you posting the above has helped me.

Take care mate.

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[Pedantic_Hibee]

Wow. What a post, HC. Likewise, there’s people on here who know me and I would hope they would respect my wishes too.

You’ve got a woman there who loves you and wants the best version of you for her, for your boy and most importantly for you.

Reading between the lines, you’ve got it in you too. You know you can do it. It’s the putting the wheels in motion that is the toughest part. I know that feeling all too well.

Ultimately, and selfishly speaking about myself, I know I’ll never get that perfect woman back (even after the pain she’s caused, she is still perfect in my eyes) but I need to get better for myself and for my children because it’s the very least that I and my kids deserve.

You’ve got a good chance there of rekindling with your boy’s mum but even if you didn’t, you need to bounce back and be happy as yourself and happy for the laddie. Learn to love yourself. When you’re in a good place the world seems a nicer place and nice things and nice people come into your life.

I don’t know if you’re much of a reader but the Miracle Morning was a big help to me when I read it last year. Strangely enough, the 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins is also a simple yet fantastic book.

Huge respect for speaking up. I know how difficult it is to do so but it’s also quite cathartic in a way.

If you had one hour left to live, what would you spend it talking about? Whatever it is and whoever those people are, prioritise them but most importantly, prioritise on you and bouncing back.

I’m with you every step of the way 💚

[Pretty Boy]

Just read your post above HC.

I had a mate in a similar situation a couple of years ago. His partner fell out of love with him and asked him to leave the home he shared with her and their daughter. He was in bits, hit the bottle, was out his face every weekend and half the week as well, was eating crap, piled on weight and was a mess. He was basically battering himself and was thus prevented from seeing his daughter which restarted the whole cycle.

Eventually he worked his way through that and started going to to gym, eating a bit better, shaving every other day, drinking less and he started to look good. It wasn't for anyone except himself and his daughter because he knew she needed him. At 1st there was a bit of hostility from his ex and an attitude of 'why wouldn't you do this for me?'. However she slowly came round and he sees his daughter regularly again, looks great and is in a good place physically and mentally. There was no fairytale ending as far as his relationship went but things are amicable now, his ex has even told him she is proud of him.

Hang in there and focus on you and your relationship with your son, he needs his daddy and the rest will take care of itself in time.

[Pedantic_Hibee]

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Just read your post above HC.

I had a mate in a similar situation a couple of years ago. His partner fell out of love with him and asked him to leave the home he shared with her and their daughter. He was in bits, hit the bottle, was out his face every weekend and half the week as well, was eating crap, piled on weight and was a mess. He was basically battering himself and was thus prevented from seeing his daughter which restarted the whole cycle.

Eventually he worked his way through that and started going to to gym, eating a bit better, shaving every other day, drinking less and he started to look good. It wasn't for anyone except himself and his daughter because he knew she needed him. At 1st there was a bit of hostility from his ex and an attitude of 'why wouldn't you do this for me?'. However she slowly came round and he sees his daughter regularly again, looks great and is in a good place physically and mentally. There was no fairytale ending as far as his relationship went but things are amicable now, his ex has even told him she is proud of him.

Hang in there and focus on you and your relationship with your son, he needs his daddy and the rest will take care of itself in time.

Everything I tried to say, but delivered far more eloquently.

[pontius pilate]

I've posted on this very page before its comforting in a way knowing that ther eis other guys out there who have the same illness and there is a page on here where we can discuss without being judged.

I've suffered with depression for as long as I can remember however since 2012 I've since been diagnosed with PTSD depression anxiety and OCD, I've got arthritis of the spine and lumber disc disease so one fuels the other, 2 years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life I walked away from a 10 year relationship at that point we were behaving issues with our daughters own mental health I had just taken on a new role and the pressure was getting far too much, I asked for a 2 week break and was granted that complete understanding, however during that 2 weeks my life fell apart I lost my job where I was living so became homeless and lost her for good, I've lived in homeless b&b in my car temp homeless accommodation however for the last year I'm now in my own wee house and do some work here and there I even met someone yet since covid I've had no contact and that's been her who stopped, yes she was in an unhappy relationship but I was allegedly the best thing in her life and if she lost me it would drive her crazy, no contact from her actually allowed me to focus on who and what I wanted and needed and that wa smy ex and daughter back in my life full time, I've had 3 failed suicide attempts the most recent was in dec, I had a great day with my ex and my daughter came home took some pills cleaned my house ran a bath took more pills then took more pills, my ex called I was out of it she had no opinion to call the police they attended noticed the letter I had wrote and was admitted to the royal ed, there is issues still ongoing in the background I'm.praying and hoping that I get the outcome I need and want if not everything is gone again, I cry every day but the positive is I have absolutely no medication in the house at all not even ibuprofen I haven't had a touch of alcohol in 6 years, the thought of losing the people I love and care about greatly scares me to death but at the same time I think their life would be better without me in it if only i could see into the future then at least i know what action i can take.

I hope everybody else on here finds the strength.

As I've said to a friend your stronger than you realise and loved, cared for needed and wanted more than you will ever know yet I never feel that for myself

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[HUTCHYHIBBY]

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I'm not posting anything meaningful here other than to say the above is probably the most personal, powerful text I've ever read.

All the best PH.

Ffs, very moving stuff (the post you refer to Dave). I thought I had a problem or two but, perhaps not. 😢

What a thread this is.

[CraigHibee]

A lot of interesting posts, just shows that anyone can be impacted by mental health with things that are happening and nobody should be afraid to talk about it.


Ive been through a **** storm the last couple of years with my now thankful ex, I've told family and a lot of close friends about the things that were going on but to try and explain everything has been difficult as I didn't think I would be believed.

The bottom line is she was an abuser,not physically. Had me isolated from friends, putting me down at every opportunity, the behaviour id encountered was nothing like I have ever experienced.

Gas lighting me regularly, lying to me a lot, never knew what gas lighting was until I started looking into her behaviour then I uncovered the dark murky world of narcissistic abuse.

I was being treated like something on the sole of her shoe, everyone told me to leave and walk away but I didn't and stupidly thought she would change, i thought if I tried harder with things then the behaviour would improve, it didn't.

My mental health took an absolute battering, stopped going to games (even though I had a fully paid season ticket) stopped socialising and became withdrawn, regularly making excuses about why I could meet up with family/friends.
The only thing I did do was work more and more, I felt for me that this was my coping mechanism to try and deal with everything that was going on (burying the head in the sand)

I work in an office Monday to Friday and also do deliveries for a retailer in my spare time, I found I was doing my day job then going out basically every night delivering as well sometimes 6/7 nights a week.

I done this for well over a year and in the end I was absolutely burnt out, had nothing left to give. I wasn't tidying up, cleaning or looking after myself properly and my head was absolutely fried.

I had seen a Councillor a couple of times in an attempt to untangle the mess and get me thinking straight. i started to think a bit clearer and thankfully at the beginning of the year I finally found the courage to kick her into touch after 8 1/2 years, been a hard lesson to learn and I've learned a lot about myself while "in recovery" I still do get a few days where I am absolutely drained but the "head in a vice" like feeling that I had has lifted.

Hands down, the worst thing I have every experienced in my life but I am in a far better position now than what I was

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

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A lot of interesting posts, just shows that anyone can be impacted by mental health with things that are happening and nobody should be afraid to talk about it.


Ive been through a **** storm the last couple of years with my now thankful ex, I've told family and a lot of close friends about the things that were going on but to try and explain everything has been difficult as I didn't think I would be believed.

The bottom line is she was an abuser,not physically. Had me isolated from friends, putting me down at every opportunity, the behaviour id encountered was nothing like I have ever experienced.

Gas lighting me regularly, lying to me a lot, never knew what gas lighting was until I started looking into her behaviour then I uncovered the dark murky world of narcissistic abuse.

I was being treated like something on the sole of her shoe, everyone told me to leave and walk away but I didn't and stupidly thought she would change, i thought if I tried harder with things then the behaviour would improve, it didn't.

My mental health took an absolute battering, stopped going to games (even though I had a fully paid season ticket) stopped socialising and became withdrawn, regularly making excuses about why I could meet up with family/friends.
The only thing I did do was work more and more, I felt for me that this was my coping mechanism to try and deal with everything that was going on (burying the head in the sand)

I work in an office Monday to Friday and also do deliveries for a retailer in my spare time, I found I was doing my day job then going out basically every night delivering as well sometimes 6/7 nights a week.

I done this for well over a year and in the end I was absolutely burnt out, had nothing left to give. I wasn't tidying up, cleaning or looking after myself properly and my head was absolutely fried.

I had seen a Councillor a couple of times in an attempt to untangle the mess and get me thinking straight. i started to think a bit clearer and thankfully at the beginning of the year I finally found the courage to kick her into touch after 8 1/2 years, been a hard lesson to learn and I've learned a lot about myself while "in recovery" I still do get a few days where I am absolutely drained but the "head in a vice" like feeling that I had has lifted.

Hands down, the worst thing I have every experienced in my life but I am in a far better position now than what I was

There's no shortage of people here for you mate.

[Pedantic_Hibee]

Powerful post, Craig. The mother of my daughter was similar although not to the extremes you had to endure.

I’m glad you managed to break free of it. As much as you can have family and friends telling you to leave, it’s difficult to see the bigger picture when you’re in the relationship and especially if it’s someone you love. You convince yourself that you can “fix” them but it rarely happens.

Glad you’ve recovered and are in a better place.

[CraigHibee]

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There's no shortage of people here for you mate.

thanks mate

[CraigHibee]

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Powerful post, Craig. The mother of my daughter was similar although not to the extremes you had to endure.

I’m glad you managed to break free of it. As much as you can have family and friends telling you to leave, it’s difficult to see the bigger picture when you’re in the relationship and especially if it’s someone you love. You convince yourself that you can “fix” them but it rarely happens.

Glad you’ve recovered and are in a better place.

thanks mate

i was completely oblivious to the abuse to start with it was just subtle things then i started to latch on with some of the stuff that was going on such as having conversations with her then her denying she said certain things or "that didn't happen"

i'm definitely in a far better place than i was, just ran myself into the ground with it all and thankfully found the way out. it is easy for folk to say "just leave", i've said that to friends in the past when they've been having relationship issues however, i think until you are in the same situation you don't realise how difficult it can be.

[Hermit Crab]

Went down to the local medical centre today to try and register with the surgery. Got told I wasn't allowed to be in the building and I will have to phone a 0300 number to register, told them I needed to speak to a GP urgently but every time I phone the number all I get is a recorded message saying theres a high amount of calls and then the call gets cut off. Having to jump through hoops to get to see a GP when I really need to, this is not helping at all. Getting royally pissed off with this.

On the plus side My Adidas Kölns have just arrived so thats cheered me up a bit.

[Greenworld]

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Went down to the local medical centre today to try and register with the surgery. Got told I wasn't allowed to be in the building and I will have to phone a 0300 number to register, told them I needed to speak to a GP urgently but every time I phone the number all I get is a recorded message saying theres a high amount of calls and then the call gets cut off. Having to jump through hoops to get to see a GP when I really need to, this is not helping at all. Getting royally pissed off with this.

On the plus side My Adidas Kölns have just arrived so thats cheered me up a bit.

https://services.nhslothian.scot/Men...s/default.aspx

I don't know if this will helpp you

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[Hermit Crab]

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https://services.nhslothian.scot/Men...s/default.aspx

I don't know if this will helpp you

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Thanks but they're not doing walk ins just now which is ideally what I need because of shift work. Been trying to call the surgery every 30 minutes or so and I still cant get through, still get the same high volume of calls message.

[DaveF]

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Thanks but they're not doing walk ins just now which is ideally what I need because of shift work. Been trying to call the surgery every 30 minutes or so and I still cant get through, still get the same high volume of calls message.

Phone your MSP. If people are saying it's possible but you are getting nowhere, let them earn their money and help a constituent out. Long shot, but you never know.

[McD]

I've read many of these recent posts, and have been truly heart broken for each of you. I wouldn't normally have thought to share my story, but I will, to hopefully give some hope to anyone. Its not as hard hitting as what others have shared, but I am further down the line from it now.

A good few years ago, I was in a long term relationship, and in a job that I hated, where in hindsight I was really struggling mentally, and was in some regards being bullied by people higher up the structure.

Because of what was happening at work, my relationship was the positive in my life, even though again with hindsight it was falling apart as well. She wasn't nasty or abusive, but I was slowly and steadily being shut out of my own relationship. At the time we both lived with our respective parents, and had previously spent so much time together, but this was becoming rarer and rarer. I'd be suggesting going for a meal, going to the cinema, hell even just spending time together watching tv, and would always get pushed away. More than once, she told me she couldn't fit me for 3 weeks or more.

At the same time, she was suddenly going out with her pals all the time (hence why she couldn't fit me in), at one point I even found out she'd been out on night out when she'd told me she was getting an early night. During all of this, it was made clear that this was my problem, i was basically getting shrugged at when I asked why I couldn't see her, and told i'd have to wait until she'd had time with her pals.

I moved into my own place, asked her to move in, said she wouldn't need to pay a thing, I'd even drive her to work every morning, and she shut the conversation down every time I spoke about it.

My friends were all asking why I was accepting being treated this way, that I was better than that and deserved to be treated better, but I kept making excuses for her. We'd argue, often about how I was feeling, but I always defended her to friends, even when they were spelling it out to me.

It came to a head right before a christmas, where after a blazing row, we suddenly calmly talked about taking a break. Comically, this led to a period of time where I felt we were closer than we'd been for a long time, talking every day, making time for each other (rather than me having to beg and chase for any time). In the March, we'd made arrangements to meet in town and have a meal. We'd barely had the food put down when she just calmly says I don't want to be with you, don't want us, don't want to see you or talk to you.

I was stunned, I don't remember how I got home that night. I tried to find out why, and was either ignored or told she couldn't tell me. Several mutual friends dropped me like a stone (I was never abusive, violent, I didn't/don't drink, never cheated. I'm not perfect by any means, but I wasn't a bad partner).

I went off the rails, and started being out all the time, had brief things with several women, would arrive home in wee hours and be back out for work shortly after. I had all sorts of dark thoughts, suicide was a regular thought, and has revisited from time to time. Things at work got worse, I stopped giving a **** about it (which is not me at all), it was made clear that my work would never be considered good enough (it was but I was a target) and ultimately chose to leave. Self confidence and self esteem were in the toilet, I'd lost almost all the structure and anchors of my life.

I spent several months struggling to make mortgage payments, before finding another job, until I joined the company I'm still with now, and within 6 months found a job that I love. The exact same day I started with the company, I met someone who was , and now have a wee girl who's just over a year old.


When I read this back, it seems pretty pathetic, and nothing compared to some other's experiences, I hope though that someone may read this a take some hope that things can get better.

Apologies for the lengthy post

[Hiber-nation]

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Phone your MSP. If people are saying it's possible but you are getting nowhere, let them earn their money and help a constituent out. Long shot, but you never know.

I agree. The MSP is Colin Beattie and if its the Riverside Practice in Musselburgh you're meaning HC, he is fully aware of the problems they've been having there with people being unable to get through on the phones.

[Mibbes Aye]

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I've read many of these recent posts, and have been truly heart broken for each of you. I wouldn't normally have thought to share my story, but I will, to hopefully give some hope to anyone. Its not as hard hitting as what others have shared, but I am further down the line from it now.

A good few years ago, I was in a long term relationship, and in a job that I hated, where in hindsight I was really struggling mentally, and was in some regards being bullied by people higher up the structure.

Because of what was happening at work, my relationship was the positive in my life, even though again with hindsight it was falling apart as well. She wasn't nasty or abusive, but I was slowly and steadily being shut out of my own relationship. At the time we both lived with our respective parents, and had previously spent so much time together, but this was becoming rarer and rarer. I'd be suggesting going for a meal, going to the cinema, hell even just spending time together watching tv, and would always get pushed away. More than once, she told me she couldn't fit me for 3 weeks or more.

At the same time, she was suddenly going out with her pals all the time (hence why she couldn't fit me in), at one point I even found out she'd been out on night out when she'd told me she was getting an early night. During all of this, it was made clear that this was my problem, i was basically getting shrugged at when I asked why I couldn't see her, and told i'd have to wait until she'd had time with her pals.

I moved into my own place, asked her to move in, said she wouldn't need to pay a thing, I'd even drive her to work every morning, and she shut the conversation down every time I spoke about it.

My friends were all asking why I was accepting being treated this way, that I was better than that and deserved to be treated better, but I kept making excuses for her. We'd argue, often about how I was feeling, but I always defended her to friends, even when they were spelling it out to me.

It came to a head right before a christmas, where after a blazing row, we suddenly calmly talked about taking a break. Comically, this led to a period of time where I felt we were closer than we'd been for a long time, talking every day, making time for each other (rather than me having to beg and chase for any time). In the March, we'd made arrangements to meet in town and have a meal. We'd barely had the food put down when she just calmly says I don't want to be with you, don't want us, don't want to see you or talk to you.

I was stunned, I don't remember how I got home that night. I tried to find out why, and was either ignored or told she couldn't tell me. Several mutual friends dropped me like a stone (I was never abusive, violent, I didn't/don't drink, never cheated. I'm not perfect by any means, but I wasn't a bad partner).

I went off the rails, and started being out all the time, had brief things with several women, would arrive home in wee hours and be back out for work shortly after. I had all sorts of dark thoughts, suicide was a regular thought, and has revisited from time to time. Things at work got worse, I stopped giving a **** about it (which is not me at all), it was made clear that my work would never be considered good enough (it was but I was a target) and ultimately chose to leave. Self confidence and self esteem were in the toilet, I'd lost almost all the structure and anchors of my life.

I spent several months struggling to make mortgage payments, before finding another job, until I joined the company I'm still with now, and within 6 months found a job that I love. The exact same day I started with the company, I met someone who was , and now have a wee girl who's just over a year old.


When I read this back, it seems pretty pathetic, and nothing compared to some other's experiences, I hope though that someone may read this a take some hope that things can get better.

Apologies for the lengthy post

Powerful read, very open and frank. And no need whatsoever to apologise for you feeling it was a lengthy post. Better to say what you feel than hold something back.

[Greenworld]

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I've read many of these recent posts, and have been truly heart broken for each of you. I wouldn't normally have thought to share my story, but I will, to hopefully give some hope to anyone. Its not as hard hitting as what others have shared, but I am further down the line from it now.

A good few years ago, I was in a long term relationship, and in a job that I hated, where in hindsight I was really struggling mentally, and was in some regards being bullied by people higher up the structure.

Because of what was happening at work, my relationship was the positive in my life, even though again with hindsight it was falling apart as well. She wasn't nasty or abusive, but I was slowly and steadily being shut out of my own relationship. At the time we both lived with our respective parents, and had previously spent so much time together, but this was becoming rarer and rarer. I'd be suggesting going for a meal, going to the cinema, hell even just spending time together watching tv, and would always get pushed away. More than once, she told me she couldn't fit me for 3 weeks or more.

At the same time, she was suddenly going out with her pals all the time (hence why she couldn't fit me in), at one point I even found out she'd been out on night out when she'd told me she was getting an early night. During all of this, it was made clear that this was my problem, i was basically getting shrugged at when I asked why I couldn't see her, and told i'd have to wait until she'd had time with her pals.

I moved into my own place, asked her to move in, said she wouldn't need to pay a thing, I'd even drive her to work every morning, and she shut the conversation down every time I spoke about it.

My friends were all asking why I was accepting being treated this way, that I was better than that and deserved to be treated better, but I kept making excuses for her. We'd argue, often about how I was feeling, but I always defended her to friends, even when they were spelling it out to me.

It came to a head right before a christmas, where after a blazing row, we suddenly calmly talked about taking a break. Comically, this led to a period of time where I felt we were closer than we'd been for a long time, talking every day, making time for each other (rather than me having to beg and chase for any time). In the March, we'd made arrangements to meet in town and have a meal. We'd barely had the food put down when she just calmly says I don't want to be with you, don't want us, don't want to see you or talk to you.

I was stunned, I don't remember how I got home that night. I tried to find out why, and was either ignored or told she couldn't tell me. Several mutual friends dropped me like a stone (I was never abusive, violent, I didn't/don't drink, never cheated. I'm not perfect by any means, but I wasn't a bad partner).

I went off the rails, and started being out all the time, had brief things with several women, would arrive home in wee hours and be back out for work shortly after. I had all sorts of dark thoughts, suicide was a regular thought, and has revisited from time to time. Things at work got worse, I stopped giving a **** about it (which is not me at all), it was made clear that my work would never be considered good enough (it was but I was a target) and ultimately chose to leave. Self confidence and self esteem were in the toilet, I'd lost almost all the structure and anchors of my life.

I spent several months struggling to make mortgage payments, before finding another job, until I joined the company I'm still with now, and within 6 months found a job that I love. The exact same day I started with the company, I met someone who was , and now have a wee girl who's just over a year old.


When I read this back, it seems pretty pathetic, and nothing compared to some other's experiences, I hope though that someone may read this a take some hope that things can get better.

Apologies for the lengthy post

Love is a powerful drug. You get blinded to all the things normal thinking people would do.
No matter what people say you are wired differently and totally ignore all the advice and comments.
The journey you have been through is horrible but so recognizable.
Your not a alone ,your story is more common than you think .
Delighted you have moved on stay strong

Sent from my SM-G975U1 using Tapatalk

[Hibby70]

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I agree. The MSP is Colin Beattie and if its the Riverside Practice in Musselburgh you're meaning HC, he is fully aware of the problems they've been having there with people being unable to get through on the phones.

My partner and kids are registered with Riverside and she can never get an appointment. I'm with the Inveresk practice (based in the same building) and never have any problems.

Registration forms online at https://invereskmedical.org.uk/homepage/registering-with-the-practice/

Not sure re the rules for registering mind you.

HC - would calling NHS24 help, maybe they can help get things moving.

[stu in nottingham]

Such humbling, heartfelt stories and ones where we can all learn from each others' experiences.

I hadn't intended to go into a long story but many of the raw emotions being expressed here feel so familiar from my own past. One or two here will possibly recall that I lost my partner to suicide. it was six years ago now and life hasn't by any means been easy at times, especially in those earlier years afterwards.

Sue had a shocking death that was totally traumatic. After some years of struggling with a personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) she could take no more, God bless her, and took herself to a multi-storey car park in Nottingham city centre, positioned herself on the ledge and according to witness accounts rolled over the edge and into eternity.

I had been at work that day. The city traffic was gridlocked on my journey home to the suburb I live in. I had no idea of the reason why until the police arrived at my home shortly after me to rush me to the hospital, blues and twos blazing, slenderly hanging on to iife. She passed on shortly afterward through her internal injuries and I performed the most difficult task of my life in identifying her afterwards. The nurse forwarned me that she 'didn't look pretty'. I went in that room and said my goodbyes to Sue. The image of her broken face flashed back to me so many times in the weeks and months afterwards. It just wouldn't leave me.

I went home that night in a state of shock, refused to stay with friends, slept in my own bed, cried myself to sleep and woke up crying bitter and uncontrollable tears. My sister and some friends came to the house the next day. Sue had been taking multiple medications for her problems and the house had become full of the stuff. I asked a friend to take it all out of the house because I wanted to die myself and didn't trust myself with it. I know that the amount of suicide survivors in the first year of losing someone attempting suicide themselves is quite high and yes, I certainly wanted to die and could not, did not, want to see a future.

It hadn't just been the pain of a sudden and traumatic death. The three years before that had, I have to say, been an absolute living hell every single day, trying to live with the abuse I received daily. Emotional, financial and even physically at times.

So I relate this story - not as some horrible top trumps kind of tale to say 'look at the rubbish that happened to me'. I relate it in support of my brothers here. It is to reassure you in some small way that life DOES go on. Life is not always a bowl of cherries that is for sure but after some time I found fulfilment in my life - from helping other in my case. I was previously involved in carrying out psychological research. These days, whatever abilties I may have are focused in supporting others who are going through tough times. I'm not going for sainthood here - it's very good for my well-being too. I am probably happier or at least more content than in many years.

The big message I want to relay to all my friends here, met and unmet, is to persevere and understand that if you do, good things can and will happen. I was down and out for the count. I was done and over and couldn't envisage a future. I clung on by my fingernails for some reason, maybe its just my nature or the way I was brought up, and. you know, life is fine, it really is.

I sincerely wish you lads the same. it can happen, believe me.

[JimBHibees]

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My partner and kids are registered with Riverside and she can never get an appointment. I'm with the Inveresk practice (based in the same building) and never have any problems.

Registration forms online at https://invereskmedical.org.uk/homep...-the-practice/

Not sure re the rules for registering mind you.

HC - would calling NHS24 help, maybe they can help get things moving.

Agree with that. They can and will help I think.

Number is 111.

https://www.nhs24.scot/our-services/...ho-to-speak-to

[McD]

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Such humbling, heartfelt stories and ones where we can all learn from each others' experiences.

I hadn't intended to go into a long story but many of the raw emotions being expressed here feel so familiar from my own past. One or two here will possibly recall that I lost my partner to suicide. it was six years ago now and life hasn't by any means been easy at times, especially in those earlier years afterwards.

Sue had a shocking death that was totally traumatic. After some years of struggling with a personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) she could take no more, God bless her, and took herself to a multi-storey car park in Nottingham city centre, positioned herself on the ledge and according to witness accounts rolled over the edge and into eternity.

I had been at work that day. The city traffic was gridlocked on my journey home to the suburb I live in. I had no idea of the reason why until the police arrived at my home shortly after me to rush me to the hospital, blues and twos blazing, slenderly hanging on to iife. She passed on shortly afterward through her internal injuries and I performed the most difficult task of my life in identifying her afterwards. The nurse forwarned me that she 'didn't look pretty'. I went in that room and said my goodbyes to Sue. The image of her broken face flashed back to me so many times in the weeks and months afterwards. It just wouldn't leave me.

I went home that night in a state of shock, refused to stay with friends, slept in my own bed, cried myself to sleep and woke up crying bitter and uncontrollable tears. My sister and some friends came to the house the next day. Sue had been taking multiple medications for her problems and the house had become full of the stuff. I asked a friend to take it all out of the house because I wanted to die myself and didn't trust myself with it. I know that the amount of suicide survivors in the first year of losing someone attempting suicide themselves is quite high and yes, I certainly wanted to die and could not, did not, want to see a future.

It hadn't just been the pain of a sudden and traumatic death. The three years before that had, I have to say, been an absolute living hell every single day, trying to live with the abuse I received daily. Emotional, financial and even physically at times.

So I relate this story - not as some horrible top trumps kind of tale to say 'look at the rubbish that happened to me'. I relate it in support of my brothers here. It is to reassure you in some small way that life DOES go on. Life is not always a bowl of cherries that is for sure but after some time I found fulfilment in my life - from helping other in my case. I was previously involved in carrying out psychological research. These days, whatever abilties I may have are focused in supporting others who are going through tough times. I'm not going for sainthood here - it's very good for my well-being too. I am probably happier or at least more content than in many years.

The big message I want to relay to all my friends here, met and unmet, is to persevere and understand that if you do, good things can and will happen. I was down and out for the count. I was done and over and couldn't envisage a future. I clung on by my fingernails for some reason, maybe its just my nature or the way I was brought up, and. you know, life is fine, it really is.

I sincerely wish you lads the same. it can happen, believe me.

I remember that time Stu, where you were able to share some of what had happened, and articulate your struggles. I'm so glad that you've been able to find some happiness and/or contentment