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  1. 27-02-2017 10:30 AM #331
    HappyAsHellas
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    What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    About three stone.
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  2. 27-02-2017 12:42 PM #332
    Godsahibby
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    I asked my mate what made him move to Switzerland, he said the flags a big plus!
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  3. 27-02-2017 04:34 PM #333
    snooky
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    My great grandfather fell at Waterloo.............. somebody pushed him off the platform.
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  4. 27-02-2017 04:50 PM #334
    SuperAllyMcleod
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    I'm getting the impression that people posting on this thread are ignoring both the word 'smart' and 'good'.
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  5. 27-02-2017 05:37 PM #335
    easty
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperAllyMcleod View Post
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    I'm getting the impression that people posting on this thread are ignoring both the word 'smart' and 'good'.
    I dinnae get it...
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  6. 27-02-2017 07:17 PM #336
    SuperAllyMcleod
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    Quote Originally Posted by easty View Post
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    I dinnae get it...
    Now that's quite good and smart!

    I should have made clear it was a comment and not a joke
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  7. 27-02-2017 09:53 PM #337
    Scouse Hibee
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    Hear about the head chef on Mastermind? He said PASS on every question and got them all right.
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  8. 28-02-2017 10:50 AM #338
    alhibby
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    My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes.

    She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
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  9. 28-02-2017 02:24 PM #339
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doddie View Post
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    Everything that goes up must come down - but there comes a time when not everything that's down is gonna come up.


    Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Who has your dinner ready for you on the table, the TV turned to your favourite channel, and a freshly-made bed turned down and waiting?

    It means you're in the wrong house.

    Have I already posted my deja vu joke?


    Sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee View Post
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    Have I already told you my deja vu joke.

    OI! Watch it!
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  10. 28-02-2017 05:29 PM #340
    Scouse Hibee
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doddie View Post
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    OI! Watch it!
    I'm sure you said that to me once before.
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  11. 01-03-2017 09:10 AM #341
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee View Post
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    I'm sure you said that to me once before.
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  12. 04-03-2017 01:46 AM #342
    DH1875
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    If you jumped of a river bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
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  13. 04-03-2017 08:35 PM #343
    Mixu62
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    I can't remember how to write 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

    I AM LIVID.
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  14. 07-03-2017 12:14 PM #344
    StevieT
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    What do you call a man with no shins?

    Tony (toe-knee)
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  15. 10-03-2017 11:18 AM #345
    Hibbyradge
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    Buy nothing online unless you check for free cashback here first. I've already earned £2,389.68!


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  16. 10-03-2017 04:06 PM #346
    Hibrandenburg
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibbyradge View Post
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  17. 10-03-2017 04:19 PM #347
    snooky
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibbyradge View Post
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    Took me a few moments to get it - but that made it even funnier.
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  18. 10-03-2017 05:05 PM #348
    easty
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibbyradge View Post
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    Very good 😂
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  19. 10-03-2017 07:43 PM #349
    weedgiehibbie
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    When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.

    He's my non-biological father.
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  20. 11-03-2017 06:41 AM #350
    Alfiembra
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    Quote Originally Posted by weedgiehibbie View Post
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    When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.

    He's my non-biological father.
    Is your name Soapy Souter?
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  21. 11-03-2017 08:42 AM #351
    heretoday
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    I know what a pekingese is but what's a shih tzu?

    One that doesn't have any penguins.
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  22. 28-03-2017 07:48 AM #352
    Caversham Green
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    Quote Originally Posted by heretoday View Post
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    I know what a pekingese is but what's a shih tzu?

    One that doesn't have any penguins.
    Deja Vu repeating itself there (post 207).

    Anyway, my Bonny Tyler satnav kept telling me to turn around so I exchanged it for a Fleetwood Mac one.

    That keeps telling me I can go my own way.
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  23. 28-03-2017 08:03 AM #353
    Peevemor
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    Did you hear about the guy that took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?
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  24. 28-03-2017 08:12 AM #354
    grunt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caversham Green View Post
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    Anyway, my Bonny Tyler satnav kept telling me to turn around so I exchanged it for a Fleetwood Mac one.

    That keeps telling me I can go my own way.
    That's better than my U2 satnav which takes me where the streets have no name. I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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  25. 28-03-2017 08:14 AM #355
    Scouse Hibee
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    Walked out of Costa this morning when the guy started speaking a foreign language to me.I asked for coffee in English and he replied "Di Caff", must be Italian or something?
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  26. 28-03-2017 01:50 PM #356
    Hibrandenburg
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    Quote Originally Posted by grunt View Post
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    That's better than my U2 satnav which takes me where the streets have no name. I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
    Don't even consider getting an AC/DC one.
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  27. 28-03-2017 09:11 PM #357
    Hibrandenburg
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peevemor View Post
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    Did you hear about the guy that took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?
    Nope, too thick for that one.
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  28. 28-03-2017 09:13 PM #358
    snooky
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Nope, too thick for that one.
    Harr! harr!
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  29. 28-03-2017 09:13 PM #359
    Peevemor
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg View Post
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    Nope, too thick for that one.
    Ahem... (missed)... ahem.
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  30. 28-03-2017 09:29 PM #360
    Hibrandenburg
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peevemor View Post
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    Ahem... (missed)... ahem.
    Aaaah, so it's a bit like the guy who tried to shoot his wife in the fog and mist?
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