👍Quote:
Originally Posted by J-C
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👍Quote:
Originally Posted by J-C
My wife and I were out with her parents and I was telling them about our new bedroom drapes:
I said, "They're magnificent, presented in traditional 16th century English style. I close them and nobody could ever see what the 2 of us get up to in bed together."
My wife's mum said, "You have Tudor curtains?"
"That's right," I said. "And sometimes I bite her clitoris too."
My wife asked
"Have you seen the dog's bowl?"
I replied
"No, I didn't know they could play cricket!"
My neighbour hammered on my door at 2.30 this morning.
Luckily I was still up, playing my bagpipes
A myth? Is that not a female Moth?Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
My mate has just been charged with murder after killing a guy with sandpaper, he only wanted to rough him up a bit.
Christmas cracker joke time:-
What goes "oh, oh, oh"?
Santa walking backwards
I hate hypocrisy. Not my own, other people's.
How did Bing Crosby and David Bowie fix their deflated backsides at Christmas?
With their rubber bum pump.
I was at the optician today and he asked me what I can see,
so I told him I see empty stadiums empty airports and empty bank accounts,
and he says your sight is good you have 2020 vision
So good it was told twice see my post November 27th😂Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
Man takes a vacuum flask back to shop and says to the owner that it doesn't work. Shop owner says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, what did you put in it? The man says two cups of coffee and a choc ice.
At the cinema.
ME: Two tickets please!
CASHIER: For the Hobbit?
ME: How dare you sir, she's my wife.
Google "South Yorkshire police operations complex" and check out the address. :faf:
Is there a punchline to this joke?Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Brilliant!Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Letsby AveQuote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
Tinsley, Sheffield S9 1XX
https://maps.app.goo.gl/mZjMXJYYVoQdjUqK9
Whoosh.Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
😁Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
Malky Deidde who spent his life stressing his surname was 'deed' has collapsed. Was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead.
Like...Quote:
Originally Posted by J-C
I think I’m also having a whoosh moment. Can anyone explain the joke? I’ve googled it and read the address above and still bamboozled 🤔Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
Police - "let's be having you"Quote:
Originally Posted by The Modfather
I did wonder if it was that. This old curmudgeon thinks it’s probably better suited to a smart jokes so bad they’re still bad thread 😀Quote:
Originally Posted by Peevemor
I think it's brilliant and one of only a handful of jokes that tic all the boxes in the thread title. I'd love to know if it's pure coincidence or if it was intentional, either way it's still fantastic.Quote:
Originally Posted by The Modfather
My car broke down this morning.
Someone stopped to help. I said: "Are you a mechanic?"
"No a chiropodist" he said..
So he gave me a toe.
Just had a wardrobe delivered by IKEA, not a single screw, bracket,
dowel, nothing, I thought **** me you couldn't make it up.
Bought a lettuce from a wee local shop called Momma's and Papa's, I can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.
A couple were cuddling up in bed on their wedding night; 'Darling' the bride said. 'I have a confession....I used to be a hooker'. Taken aback the groom thought for a while and then replied: 'actually that's quite erotic....tell me about it'. 'Well' she replied. 'My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan'
Hearing of the passing of Phil Spector reminds me of one of my favourite music jokes. I met his brother Crispin once, he was head of quality control at Walkers.
Terrible and perfect!Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee
I used to date a girl that worked in and abattoir - She was a stunner.
As I get older, the fear of dying alone becomes all consuming. That's why I've decided to become a bus driver.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Reminds of the old joke, I want to die in my sleep like my grandad and not like the passengers on his bus.
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman comes walking up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show up and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.
All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.
She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy sex he will never forget.
"The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left about 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, smiles and says "That's a Gimme."
Probably a true story that.
I never knew your grandad was a golfer 🤔Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
I never knew my grandad!Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturday Boy
Wee laddie says to his grandad, " can we have McDonald's for tea. " " Only if you can spell it " says grandad, " F*** it, can we have KFC instead then."
I used to really like farm machinery when I worked in agriculture. Now I work in air conditioning. I'm an extractor fan.
Next Monday is the start of diarrhoea awareness week.
Runs till Friday
Thats a sh it e joke :na na:Quote:
Originally Posted by rodhibs55
😂😂. I like that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. The female golfer/therapist urged him to let her help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?
He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”
I bought a winter hi-vis jacket but had to take it back to the shop because I kept getting static electricity shocks, they gave me a new one free of charge.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off, I think I'm being stalked.
I found a suitcase full of hedgehogs outside while I was clearing the snow. I phoned the RSPCA and told them and the man asked if they were moving?
I said I didn't know but it would explain the suitcase.
I was talking to a woman on line,she asked if she could comb my hair. The next day she asked if she could give me a shave. The following day she asked if she could adjust my tie.
I think she is grooming me.
The young kid who was in the Milky Bar adverts has now become an eccentric Transvestite who loves splashing his money about.
He can often be found in Transgender shops shouting "The silky bra's are on me!"
Apologies if this has already made an appearance...
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time and this produced an impressive set of callouses. He also ate very little which made him very frail, and his odd diet meant he suffered from very bad breath.
He was a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
50 Cent was hungry, so 58.
Quentin Tarantinos next big movie is based upon a 70's sitcom featuring Samuel L Jackson as the hapless accident suffering Frank Spencer.
"Some Mother ****ers Do Ave 'Em"
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
I've started to learn guitar after writing several songs about sewing machines. I'm hoping to make a career as a Singer songwriter.
Clocks go forward tonight, Daylight robbery if you ask me!
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb.Although intrigued, I asked how we would do it? And she said, 'Acwoss the woad, against those wailings...'
Q - Where do you get mercury from?
A - H G Wells
My friend Joe has just completed the Dolly Parton diet.
It's kept Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeaaan.
Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!
That ship has sailed
They're celebrating the success of the operation now - they've really pushed the boat out.Quote:
Originally Posted by weedgiehibbie
God visits Billy Graham and says as a reward for all his loyal service he can ask for anything and he will receive it. Billy thinks for a second and asks for a bridge over the Atlantic as he would prefer to drive to Europe rather than fly.
God thinks about the bridge for a minute and tells Billy all the engineering and logistical problems with a bridge. He then asks Billy if there is something else he would like as the bridge is pretty much impossible even for God.
Billy thinks and tells God that after all the years he's been married he still can't figure out his wife's mind. So he asks God to tell him how a woman's mind works.
God thinks about this for a minute and asks:
How many lanes do you want on that bridge?
I can't sleep properly. Keep thinking I'm a horse. Five nights on the trot now.
My friend introduced me to his wife today, she's a microbiologist. She's much bigger than I expected.
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs.
NightmareQuote:
Originally Posted by c31
I've just found out I'm colour blind, the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out! " The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too ****ing late pal, the paperwork's already done".
My grandson came round to visit yesterday and when my wife went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea he said, "Grandad, why does Grandma always smell of wee?""Well, you're six years old now so I guess that I should give you an honest explanation", I said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Now tell me Charlie, have you ever heard of a golden shower?"
What did St Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland ?
Are you alright in the back there
A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.
Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....
😂😂😂Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
Guy walks into the doctor.
He has a cucumber up his nose
A carrot in his left ear and
a banana in his right ear.
What's the mater with me he asks the doctor?
Doctor replies - You're not eating properly.
Haha, took me a second 😂😂😂😂😂Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
Took me literally a minute or more of thinking the joke was stupid. Turns out the stupidity was on my end of the phone.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bangkok Hibby
What do you call a pig that's lost it's voice?
Disgruntled.
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
I read that in Bernard Manning's voice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
Ooft. :greengrin:Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
Bugs Bunny is a very difficult person to track down. Couldn't get him on the phone, text or e-mail. In the end I had to use his WhatsApp, Doc.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
Ringo has let himself go a bit. 😉Quote:
Originally Posted by Peevemor
I asked Vincent van Gogh to bring me back a six pack of beer. He only brought three.
It's my fault for forgetting he only hear half of what I say.
Would Yoda's line not be "All you need love is"? :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Peevemor
Ringo Starr Wars!Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...3763e9a55e.png
https://twitter.com/sfmnemonic/statu...882835971?s=21
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
My mate said, "Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"
I said, "It's a smart tv."
I work as a salesman and yesterday I knocked on someone's door. A young boy, about 10 years old answered with a glass of whisky in one hand and a cigar in the other. "Are your parents in young man?" I asked. "Does it ****ing look like they're in", he replied.
My wife's been missing a week now and the police said to prepare for the worst, so I'm going round all the charity shops to get her clothes back.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side
You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.” 😂😂😂
My wife didn't think this was funny!Quote:
Originally Posted by c31
:rofl:
Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian
It was the least I could do for him.
:greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
:greengrin yep, ticks all the boxes in the thread title.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Thank you. But to be fair, I spotted it on Twitter.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Just checked my home insurance and apparently if my duvet gets stolen during the night I’m not covered.
It’s the least you could do for them.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
You get dogs on Twitter?Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
🤣 I didn't even realise what I had said.Quote:
Originally Posted by Northernhibee