Two blokes walked into a bar, one was knocked unconscious.
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Two blokes walked into a bar, one was knocked unconscious.
The other was dyslexic and ended up smothered in tits.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
I just bought a first aid kit...
Thought I'd treat myself.
Did you know that the original Mortal Kombat theme came from a Scandinavian church song?
It was a Finnish hymn.
It’s our AGM at Constipation Club tonight. Sadly, I can't go.
I joined a dating site for Arsonists.
Ive been sent loads of matches.
Can't find the old "normal" jokes thread so....
A Geordie lad is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Lad: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad?
Lad: I may be mad Chris but I'm no grass.
What’s the difference between counting and accounting?
Counting: one… two… three…
Accounting: a-one… a-two… a-three
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing, it's on the house!
The optician says that I've lost 20% of my sight.
Sigh...
I've got 20 20 vision, I've not seen anything for 3 years.Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
Just spent £30 on a belt that doesn’t fit……..
Huge waist.
Christmas carol singing tonight- along with Bing Crosby, Don Henley, Mary Hopkin and Lee Marvin.
So now it's going to be Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I…
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
My friend Lauri asked me where she could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for her for £500.
She was delighted and agreed. But when I eventually got it to her she was really ungrateful.
I have no idea why – it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I ever made.
You can never have too many spreadsheet jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Interviewer: What is this 4 year gap in your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired!
Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.
Is there a B&Q in Quebec?
3 men met at a party and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
“I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."
The second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."
The third guy was silent until he the other two prodded him.
“Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
I've just started a rock band as a tribute to both Chris Rea and Dire Straits.
I'm calling it 'Dire-Rea'.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with only fools and horses....
I said OK
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van....
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
"I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit
Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Oops!
:greengrin
In my defence, I only saw it today and at my age my memory doesn't go back to last week, never mind any earlier!Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
:greengrin
I got fired from my job, because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”.
Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.
Oy, you. I came here to post that!Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns