'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Keith_M]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

😡FFS I’m in that neck of the woods just now, missed out again!

[Hibs Go Bragh]

With the bad snow at the weekend I went round to my elderly neighbour to see if they needed anything from the shops.

She did.

So I gave her my list.

No point in us both going out in that weather.

[babahibs]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

My mate has a bad stutter, by the time he told us his Nana had passed we were all singing Hey Jude

[Jim Herriot]

The space between Xmas and Hogmanay is called the Merryneum.

[Hibbyradge]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

The space between Xmas and Hogmanay is called the Merryneum.

😃👍

[J-C]

Bilbo woke one morning in Bag End to find that a Tesco superstore had been built next door.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.

[J-C]

I said to my phone, " Siri, will it rain today?" Siri replies, "No it won't and stop calling me Shirley".
That's what happens when I leave my phone on Airplane mode.

[StevieT]

I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday. It was the least i could do.

[grunt]

[AltheHibby]

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've put your poor ol' mother through? And yer brother and me too?”

Crying, the girl replied, "I know, I'm so sorry, Da. I met a man but he dumped me and I had to do terrible things to survive. I became a prostitute. But I've done well!”

“A what!?!?! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family. Now you'll be needin' to leave before your poor mother comes round…now go!” her father shouted.

“As you wish, Da,” the girl sobbed. I only came to give Mam the old O'Riley estate and castle so she and you could live out your years in comfort, having others do for you and poor mum for a change.”

“And for my dear brother Declan I got a nice Rolex watch because I know how much he loves watches…and I brought a new Aston Martin DB10 for YOU, Da.”

“I also wanted to invite you all for as long as you'd like on my 290' yacht on the French Riviera. I'm so sorry to have hurt you all but I'll leave, I don't want to hurt anybody anymore..."

At this point her father said, "Now hold on lass, what is it ye said you've gone and done with yerself?"

"I became a prostitute, Da,” she answered.

"A prostitute!” he shouted. "Sure and begorrah as God is my witness, ya scared me half to death, lass! I thought you said you'd become a Protestant! Now come here and give yer old Da a hug.”

[Hibbyradge]

In ancient Rome, there were four main types of poison.

Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV… just made you really itchy.

[StevieT]

A guy was in his hospital bed and asked the nurse for the use of a bed pan which she duly delivered. The guy was disappointed as he only passed wind. This happened for three days in a row so on day four he decided not to ask and to just let rip. Unfortunately their was a huge follow through and the bed was in one hell of a mess.
Embarrassed, he got out of bed and threw his bed sheets out of the window where they landed on top of a drunk who was passing by several floors below
The drunk was trying to remove the sheets from himself when a policeman passed by and asked what was going on.
The drunk said that he wasn't sure but that he thought that he had just beaten the **** out of a ghost.

[AltheHibby]

Not a joke, but a request for a link.

Does anyone have a link to the Rikki Fulto sketch where he buys all the adult magazines, then asks for a Sunday Post, saying "it's no fur me, ye Ken?"

[Moulin Yarns]

°A professor finds himself sitting next to a farmer on a train. Bored, the professor decides to propose a game to pass the time.
“I’ll ask you a question,” the professor says. “If you can’t answer, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question. If I can’t answer, I’ll give you $500. What do you say?”

The farmer nods in agreement.

°The professor starts, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The farmer silently pulls out $5 and hands it to the professor.

°Now it’s the farmer’s turn. He asks, “What animal has three legs when climbing a mountain and four legs when coming down?”
The professor is stumped. He racks his brain, searches for logical explanations, and even consults his notebook, but he can’t find an answer. Frustrated, he hands over $500 to the farmer.

The farmer takes the money with a smile and leans back to take a nap.

°Curious and unwilling to let it go, the professor shakes the farmer awake and asks, “Alright, what animal is it?”
The farmer silently pulls out $5, hands it to the professor, and goes back to sleep.

[Donegal Hibby]

A man in Donegal driving to a football match comes across a wee boy crying at the side of the road …

He stops and the wee boy says he’s ran away from home . The man asks ‘ can I take you back to your mummy and daddy’s? … the wee boy replies ‘ no they beat me’…

the man then asks ‘ what about I take you back to your gran and grandads ? ‘ to which the wee boy replies ’ No they beat me sometimes too’ …

The man then asks ‘ would you like to go to the football match and watch Finn harps then? ‘ .. to which the wee boy answers ‘ yes , they don’t beat anyone.

[Bridge hibs]

An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”

The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”

Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”

The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”

[Moulin Yarns]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the barkeep to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[J-C]

A mother is reading from a bible story book to her son, "Lot was told to take his wife and flee but Lot's wife looked round and was turned into a pillar of salt".

The wee boy said " oh! That's a shame, what happened to the flea?"

[Hibs Go Bragh]

This morning I found a suitcase with a fox and six cubs. Really worried about this I phoned the RSPCA and the girl asked if they were moving.

I said "I've no idea, but it would explain the suitcase"

[patch1875]

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

[weedgiehibbie]

Neil Diamond’s favourite dessert is anything sweet, caramelised.

[J-C]

Just checked my home insurance and if my blanket get stolen I'm not covered.

[Bridge hibs]

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi, it's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

[AltheHibby]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi, it's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

That made me laugh a Lidl.

[J-C]

A neighbour asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel, I now wish I said spaniel.

[Hibs Go Bragh]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

A neighbour asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel, I now wish I said spaniel.

😂😂 that’s a good one.

Reminds me of the I M Jolly joke. A waitress came over and whispered in my ear to ask if I wanted super sex. I said if it’s all the same to you darling I’ll just have the soup!

[Caversham Green]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

A neighbour asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel, I now wish I said spaniel.

Not a joke, but I was discussing the then Reading player Simon Cox with a bunch of mates. Most were being fairly derogatory about him but I chimed in with "I actually like Cox........but I'm never saying that out loud again."

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Line from an Easter Panto production of Rapunzel...." her name was Rambling Rose, because she was no use in a bed but fantastic up against a wall " Adults and older kids ending themselves. Younger ones laughing just because.

[Onceinawhile]

What did homer say when he got back from the shops having forgotten the most important ingredient for making pizza with marge and the kids?

Looks like i need to go back to the shop.

[Bridge hibs]

I see the guy who invented spell check has passed away, may he rust in piss