'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[rodhibs55]

Next Monday is the start of diarrhoea awareness week.
Runs till Friday

[Alfiembra]

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Next Monday is the start of diarrhoea awareness week.
Runs till Friday

Thats a sh it e joke

[Silky]

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Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman comes walking up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show up and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy sex he will never forget.

"The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left about 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, smiles and says "That's a Gimme."

😂😂. I like that.

[Keith_M]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.


“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.


It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. The female golfer/therapist urged him to let her help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?


He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”

[Hibrandenburg]

I bought a winter hi-vis jacket but had to take it back to the shop because I kept getting static electricity shocks, they gave me a new one free of charge.

[J-C]

Someone keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off, I think I'm being stalked.

[CropleyWasGod]

I found a suitcase full of hedgehogs outside while I was clearing the snow. I phoned the RSPCA and told them and the man asked if they were moving?

I said I didn't know but it would explain the suitcase.

[rodhibs55]

I was talking to a woman on line,she asked if she could comb my hair. The next day she asked if she could give me a shave. The following day she asked if she could adjust my tie.

I think she is grooming me.

[J-C]

The young kid who was in the Milky Bar adverts has now become an eccentric Transvestite who loves splashing his money about.
He can often be found in Transgender shops shouting "The silky bra's are on me!"

[Hibbyradge]

Apologies if this has already made an appearance...

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time and this produced an impressive set of callouses. He also ate very little which made him very frail, and his odd diet meant he suffered from very bad breath.

He was a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

[Northernhibee]

50 Cent was hungry, so 58.

[J-C]

Quentin Tarantinos next big movie is based upon a 70's sitcom featuring Samuel L Jackson as the hapless accident suffering Frank Spencer.

"Some Mother ****ers Do Ave 'Em"

[Hibbyradge]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[Hibrandenburg]

I've started to learn guitar after writing several songs about sewing machines. I'm hoping to make a career as a Singer songwriter.

[hibby6270]

Clocks go forward tonight, Daylight robbery if you ask me!

[J-C]

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb.Although intrigued, I asked how we would do it? And she said, 'Acwoss the woad, against those wailings...'

[c31]

Q - Where do you get mercury from?

A - H G Wells

[Northernhibee]

My friend Joe has just completed the Dolly Parton diet.

It's kept Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeaaan.

[weedgiehibbie]

Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!

That ship has sailed

[Caversham Green]

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Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!

That ship has sailed

They're celebrating the success of the operation now - they've really pushed the boat out.

[AltheHibby]

God visits Billy Graham and says as a reward for all his loyal service he can ask for anything and he will receive it. Billy thinks for a second and asks for a bridge over the Atlantic as he would prefer to drive to Europe rather than fly.

God thinks about the bridge for a minute and tells Billy all the engineering and logistical problems with a bridge. He then asks Billy if there is something else he would like as the bridge is pretty much impossible even for God.

Billy thinks and tells God that after all the years he's been married he still can't figure out his wife's mind. So he asks God to tell him how a woman's mind works.

God thinks about this for a minute and asks:







How many lanes do you want on that bridge?

[c31]

I can't sleep properly. Keep thinking I'm a horse. Five nights on the trot now.

[Hibrandenburg]

My friend introduced me to his wife today, she's a microbiologist. She's much bigger than I expected.

[K-Zazu]

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs.

[StevieT]

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I can't sleep properly. Keep thinking I'm a horse. Five nights on the trot now.

Nightmare

[Hibrandenburg]

I've just found out I'm colour blind, the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

[J-C]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out! " The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too ****ing late pal, the paperwork's already done".

[J-C]

My grandson came round to visit yesterday and when my wife went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea he said, "Grandad, why does Grandma always smell of wee?""Well, you're six years old now so I guess that I should give you an honest explanation", I said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Now tell me Charlie, have you ever heard of a golden shower?"

[J-C]

What did St Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland ?

Are you alright in the back there

[c31]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today. Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.
Bystanders said people did try to warn him.....