'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Mixu62]

Jesus; table for 26 please

Maitre d; but there's only 13 of you

Jesus; yeah but we're all going to sit on the same side.

[Hibrandenburg]

To the person that stole my specs, I will track you down and find you using my contacts.

[J-C]

Currently birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor, so far its been 7 Owls and 15 Jays.

[alhibby]

I was born with a rare condition - I had only a single bum cheek - and recently had an operation to correct the problem.

I can't thank the surgeons enough.

They made a complete arse of it.

[Hibrandenburg]

They say you become more conservative as you get older, which could explain the lack of Tories in Scotland.

[Squealing pig]

Heard that Teresa may left a coffee table in 10 Downing Street when she left was never used , was scared incase she brexit

[MSK]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a URINE sample, a STOOL sample and a SPERM sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say ? What does he want ?" His wife yells back, "He needs your UNDERPANTS"

[Moulin Yarns]

Folk are having kids later in life, it means that there is a new event at school sports day for fathers, balderdash.

[Scouse Hibee]

Only in Edinburgh! 😰😰 I went to the Tesco petrol station to get some milk and as I walked into the garage, I noticed these 2 policemen that were watching a woman smoking while putting in her petrol.thinking why don't they tell her to put it out or stop her? I thought , is this lady stupid? crazy? or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went in to get the milk told the cashier and thought get out of here ASAP before the whole area blows up As I was paying I heard someone screaming!! Omg !!!, I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! I ran out the door, the police had the woman on the ground putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.. I was thinking, arrested??Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? Being the nosey person I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for and the guy looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"

[Hibrandenburg]

Went to a strange christening yesterday. Instead of holy water the priest poured four cans of lager on the baby’s head.

Apparently the child had been Fostered.

[Northernhibee]

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

[Captain Trips]

Quasimodo has been made redundant. He is getting 10yrs back pay in a lump sum.

[Captain Trips]

Going to a bondage party, its my first time so I hope somebody there can show me the ropes.

[Northernhibee]

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Going to a bondage party, its my first time so I hope somebody there can show me the ropes.

I’d tell you what to expect but my hands are tied.

[jonty]

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Going to a bondage party, its my first time so I hope somebody there can show me the ropes.

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I’d tell you what to expect but my hands are tied.

Gagging order.

[Captain Trips]

Was on a ship there was a guy jumping over a rope continually

"who is that" I asked

"oh thats the skipper"

[Future17]

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Was on a ship there was a guy jumping over a rope continually

"who is that" I asked

"oh thats the skipper"

Is that how you got your username?

[Alfiembra]

Just heard on the news that a lorry load of viagra has been hijacked.
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

[Hibrandenburg]

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Just heard on the news that a lorry load of viagra has been hijacked.
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

The Mrs hinted that maybe I should get hold of medication that would help my libido and perk up our love life a bit.

Apparently diat pills is not what she meant and I'm in the doghouse again.

[Sudds_1]

Why do female parachutists wear jock straps?

Stops them whistling on the way down 😁

[Sudds_1]

Or...

Man goes to doc ' doc, every time i go for a pee it goes everywhere!'

Doc takes a look..' man no wonder, its full of holes'

He starts to write out a prescription.

'Is that for a specialist?

Naw..its for a flute player. He'll teach you how to hold it'

😁

[Scouse Hibee]

The photographer bought himself a new digital camera and felt so good as he had removed all the negatives from his life.

[Sudds_1]

Why do elephants have big ears?

Coz noddy wont pay the ransom....

[Sudds_1]

Cowboy rides into town wearing brown paper hat, shirt, trousers, socks and shoes....

...sheriff arrested him for rustling 🙄

[WoreTheGreen]

I went to the doctors with a problem “doc when for a **** they come out like chips . The doc said drop your trousers and your pants and bend over. He then produced a pair of scissors and cut two inches of my string vest

[StevieT]

A woman went to her doctor and told him that there was a whistling sound from 'down there' when she walked. The doctor asked to demonstrate. As she walked across the room there was a 'whistle, whistle, whistle' sound.
The doctor asked her to come back the next day so he could record the sound as he was going to a conference attended by specialists at the end of the week.
The woman returned as asked and the doctor followed her across the room recording the sound as she walked.
The doctor went to his conference and then asked everyone if they knew what this sound was. He played his recording and one of the specialists put up his hand and said 'Ive no idea what that is. It just sounds like some **** whistling.'

[Hibrandenburg]

.

[Hibbyradge]

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.

Best one for a good while.

[J-C]

The Proclaimers were sacked from their jobs a groundsmen at Easter Rd in 1988 because the grass was always way too long. They blamed B&Q, Bathgate ...no mower, Linwood...no mower, Irvine...no mower.

[Scouse Hibee]

Not a Joke but

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the Christmas turkey.....