'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Mixu62]

I got drunk last night while playing scrabble with friends and accidentally swallowed about 8 pieces. My next **** could spell disaster.

[stevie-bee]

Heard this on the radio today , kid in the kitchen

Why didn't the toilet roll cross the road ?
Because it was stuck in the crack

[Billy Whizz]

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”


Donald is soon moving into the White House

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.

[snooky]

(From Viz 'Top Tips')

If the police come to your house to arrest you just tell them you're wrapping Christmas presents and they can't come in.

[Scouse Hibee]

Pretty sure the snowman I just seen was as pissed as a fart. He was totally melted.

[snooky]

The fishing was so bad this year up our way that even the liars didn't catch any.

[SanFranHibs]

My wife really needs to go on a diet. Last weekend we went to the opera and no-one would leave until she sang.





Bob Monkhouse

[SanFranHibs]

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I got drunk last night while playing scrabble with friends and accidentally swallowed about 8 pieces. My next **** could spell disaster.

[sleeping giant]

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The fishing was so bad this year up our way that even the liars didn't catch any.

[SuperAllyMcleod]

I always give 100% - I think that may be why I lost my job marking exam papers.

[Alfiembra]

In the game of golf bad shots come in threes.
if you hit a 4th bad shot it's the start of the next 3.

[rodhibs55]

Guy goes into a cafe for a coffee and piece of cake.
Notices the carrot cake is £1, Battenburg is £1 in fact everything is £1 apart from one offering, its £2.
Guy says to the proprietor how come everything is £1 apart from that piece over there that is £2.
Proprietor says
Thats Madeira cake.

[WeeRussell]

Hear about the guy teaching his dog to pee in the gutter?

Fell off the roof and killed himself.

[snooky]

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Guy goes into a cafe for a coffee and piece of cake.
Notices the carrot cake is £1, Battenburg is £1 in fact everything is £1 apart from one offering, its £2.
Guy says to the proprietor how come everything is £1 apart from that piece over there that is £2.
Proprietor says
Thats Madeira cake.

[Hibbyradge]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. You see, several years ago Frank died, and I married his ****ing wife."

[Hibbyradge]

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I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

It's going to be as big as the last two put together.

Excellent.

[snooky]

When I asked a Rabbie Burns buff how "Tam O'Shanter" ended, he gave me a detailed explanation.

[Geo_1875]

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?


Cos he's married.

[alhibby]

I've just bought a new aftershave called Breadcrumbs....................the birds love it

[Future17]

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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?


Cos he's married.

[Franck Stanton]

On that note, Ever seen Stevie Wonders wife ? Nether's he.
-----------------------------------------------------
Superman is flying around Metropolis. Everything is very quiet and peaceful. No crime, no disasters, - nothing happening so decides to fly over to Gotham to visit his old pals Batman and Robin.
He knocks at the door to Wayne Mansion and when Albert answered finds out that they are both away on holiday as there is no crime.
No problem says Superman, I'll just go and see the Fantastic 4. No joy there either so visits captain America.
Still no joy he decides to just give up and fly home.
As he flies over New York he sees Wonder Woman, lying naked atop a skyscraper.
He thinks, I have always fancied her, I could fly down there and do the business at super-speed and be away before she knows whats happened.
He does the dirty deed and flies off .
Wonder Woman opens her eyes wide and says " What was that?"
Just then the invisible man stands up and says "I don't know but my rse really hurts".

[SuperAllyMcleod]

I used to get a Valentines card every year and I didn't know who it was from. This is the first year I never got one and I missed it and feel sad.

It's been a terrible year, first my gran died and then this!

[snooky]

Storm Doris is hitting the UK on Thursday apparently.
Some smarty pants are calling tomorrow Doris Day

[snooky]

"The fundamental difference between Edinburgh and Glasgow is ...
when you hear a gun going off in Edinburgh you know it's one o'clock."

Kevin Bridges

[Jim44]

A spokesman for the Mexican Government, when asked about Trump's wall said. " We are not very happy but we'll get over it."

[--------]

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I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

It's going to be as big as the last two put together.

[Scouse Hibee]

Have I already told you my deja vu joke.

[Scouse Hibee]

Went to the dentist in agony with a splinter in my gum. Cocktail stick? said the dentist. No I replied, baked stake and tatties.

[beensaidbefore]

Not really a joke, but quite funny. In Fraserburgh, you could ask 'fit fit fits fit fit' and expect to get an answer!😂