'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Hiber-nation]

I ordered Pelican Curry but got a right shock when I saw the massive bill.

[SRHibs]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Electron and proton go into a bar. Proton: 'Your round'. Electron: 'You sure?' Proton: 'I'm positive'

Neutron goes into a bar. Neutron asks the barman: "How much for a pint of Fosters". Barman replies: "For you sir, no charge."

[Hibrandenburg]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

[JE89]

Got Olympic tickets for the 400m butterfly. Can't wait to see an insect that big.

Why don't they have bookies in China? The Chineese don't like Tibet.

[Calvin]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

[Leicester Fan]

Glenn Campbells been diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease...

Now he's getting cards & letters from people he doesn't even know

[R'Albin]

I need to stop speaking to inanimate objects. Note to shelf.



I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.



"I have a split personality" said Tom being Frank.

[Leicester Fan]

My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.

40 stone.




im in hospital waiting for my daughters test results after she swallowed lots of lego.

Im not worried but she's sh**ting bricks

[Hamish]

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

[Speedy]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a Halloween lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!

I'll give you marks for working but you've mixed up your formulas

[Leicester Fan]

What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Wayne Bridge?

John Terry appreciates Wayne Bridge's misses.

[Future17]

"Wolfgang Mozart" said Mozart's friend to him. Then they were eaten by a gang of wolves.

[nonshinyfinish]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I'll give you marks for working but you've mixed up your formulas

I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.

(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)

[Speedy]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.

(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)

Is the correct answer.

Must've been a long day.

[matty_f]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.

(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)

That's a crap joke.

[nonshinyfinish]

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

[Hibrandenburg]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

Ooh! Someone is well up to date on his quantum science. :-)

[H18SScottW]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly.

Two DJ's walking down the street ...

DJ 1: "Do you fancy going to the pictures tonight?"

DJ 2: "Dunno, who's the projectionist?"

[Caversham Green]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I ordered Pelican Curry but got a right shock when I saw the massive bill.

I had a Tarka Vindaloo.
Just like a Chicken Vindaloo, but it's 'otter.


Hospital visitor walks into a ward, goes up to the first bed and the patient says 'Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face'
Visitor says 'Aye,right' and goes to the next bed.
That patient says 'Wee sleekit cooerin' tim'rous beastie.'
Visitor turns to the nurse and says 'I take it this is a psychiatric ward?'
The nurse says:





'Naw it's the Burns unit.'

[Peevemor]

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a pint of lager and a mop.

[forthhibby]

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."

[R'Albin]

I had an argument with a Lolly pop lady today. She made me cross.

[The_Exile]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

In the same vein as the above.........

Neutrino...................knock knock

[Hibrandenburg]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

I had a Tarka Vindaloo.
Just like a Chicken Vindaloo, but it's 'otter.


Hospital visitor walks into a ward, goes up to the first bed and the patient says 'Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face'
Visitor says 'Aye,right' and goes to the next bed.
That patient says 'Wee sleekit cooerin' tim'rous beastie.'
Visitor turns to the nurse and says 'I take it this is a psychiatric ward?'
The nurse says:





'Naw it's the Burns unit.'

Like!

[nonshinyfinish]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

In the same vein as the above.........

Neutrino...................knock knock

I heard that one next week.

[Kaiser_Sauzee]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

Let's wait for validation of the results, shall we?

VERY clever though.

[Mixu62]

A woman walks into a butchers shop on a freezing winters day in Glasgow. Just as she enters, the butcher is coming out of the walk-in fridge and stands with his back to a heater. The woman looks at the meat on display and says, "it that your Ayrshire bacon?" The butcher replies, "naw, just tryin' tae warm ma hands up!"

[RigRoars]

A penguin walks into a bar.

Barman says 'can i help you'?

Penguin says 'I'm looking for my brother,have you seen him'?

Barman says 'what does he look like'?




Whats the difference between Mick Jagger and a sheep farmer from the the highlands?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey you get of a ma cloud'

Sheep farmer says ' Hey McLeod get of a ma Ewe'

[Dinkydoo]

Tea is for mugs.



-----------------------------

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

----------------------------

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

----------------------------

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off."

[TheUsualSuspect]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

A guy goes hunting in the woods.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.............................................. ..

"Hey it's you AGAIN? You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

Doddie, I have to ask, are you sure that's not an autobiography? just that your sig picture looks like it has a 9ft grizzly bear on it.

Why is 10 afraid of 7?? 'Cause 7,8,9


A bear walks into a bar and the bar man goes "what ya want pal?"
Bear replies "a lager and a .................................................. .......................................whisky"
the bar man goes and gets the drinks when he gets back he goes to the bear "hey what's wi' the big pause???"
the bear replies "i was born with them"