'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[forthhibby]

I asked my mate why do divers fall backwards out of the boat when entering the water?

he said , if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat you daft b*****d

[ArabHibee]

I played in a football match against a team of unreliable drug dealers.
It ended in a no score draw.

[ancient hibee]

Putin comes on a state visit and is greeted by Her Majesty in the State Coach.On the way to the palace one of the horses does a humoungous fart and a dreadful smell fills the coach."i'm terribly sorry about that."says Her Maj."Think nothing of it,"says Putin "in fact I thought it was the horse."

[lyonhibs]

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This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.

Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.

1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter

For a moment, you had me at worrying that I was pre-destined to wind up a craggy paedophile!!

[Barney McGrew]

I just saw Mr T getting on a baby horse.

I pity the foal.

[Leicester Fan]

After Fulham erected a statue of Michael Jackson, Arsenal have responded.
They are planning to erect a statue of Jim Bowen with the catch phrase
‘Lets have a look at what you could have won’

[sleeping giant]

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I asked my mate why do divers fall backwards out of the boat when entering the water?

he said , if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat you daft b*****d

[Hermit Crab]

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?.........................Poker Face.

[Leicester Fan]

I bought Adele's album the other day.

Ironically, it wasn't over until the fat lady stopped singing.

[Hibs90]

I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the **** is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."

[Barney McGrew]

Manager: "Adele, you just received an offer from Hollywood, they say they have a big role for you in the new Jerry Maguire movie. What do you think?"

Adele: "You had me at big roll."

[R'Albin]

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I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the **** is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."

[Sodje_18]

What happened to the Irish tap dancer?
Fell down the sink.

What happened to the Mexican shop lifter?
Broke his back.

Ever hear about the guy who tried to wash his stairs?
Broke his washing machine.

I guess Liverpool have no european success to braga bout now..

I'm here all week people

[Barney McGrew]

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

[SaulGoodman]

Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.

The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"

The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"

For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.

[Calvin]

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Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.

The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"

The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"

For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.

[--------]

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Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.

The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"

The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"

For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.

A guy goes hunting in the woods.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.

At which point a 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his forepaw.

"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That hurt!"

The hunter says, "Well, I'm a hunter, and you're a bear...."

The bear says, "Oh, really? And that gives you the right to shoot me when I'm minding my own business, not hurting anybody, just going about my regular bear affairs>? YOU need a LESSON!"

So the bear grabs the hunter, rips off all his clothes, and rapes him, before disappearing into the forest.

The hunter crawls back to the campsite where he's rescued and airlifted to hospital.

After lengthy surgery, much medication, and 6 months of psychological counselling, the hunter decides he's ready to face his fears and go back to the forest.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.

At which point the same 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his other forepaw.

"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That hurt! Hey, it's YOU again! Do you NEVER learn?"

So the bear grabs the hunter, rips off all his clothes, and rapes him all over again, before disappearing back into the forest.

The hunter crawls back to the campsite where he's rescued and airlifted to hospital.

After even more surgery and much more medication, and after a whole year of counselling, the hunter decides he's ready to face his fears and go back to the forest.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.

At which point the same 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his shoulder.

"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That really hurt!"

Then he stops, and looks hard at the hunter.

"Hey it's you AGAIN? You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[blackpoolhibs]

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.



Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the 1st ever No Nails bomb

[Leicester Fan]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

[.Sean.]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his *****ing widow."

[Hibernian Verse]

That's the last time I commit suicide.

[steve75]

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As mathematical jokes go, I like this one.

managed to miss this until now!

quality!

[Barney McGrew]

My Mrs just found out that I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

[Hibrandenburg]

"Old McDonald was dyslexic, i o e u a"

[Hibs90]

Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, "Can I borrow your lighter mate?"

She said, "I don't smoke."

"Neither do I," I replied, "I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby ****."

[Leicester Fan]

Q: What's the definition of eternal love?

A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

[andyhibs]

man walks into a butchers , with a massive condom on his shoulder, and says a pound of fillet , the butcher says , pound you dont

[forthhibby]

Electron and proton go into a bar. Proton: 'Your round'. Electron: 'You sure?' Proton: 'I'm positive'

[Leicester Fan]

I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly.

[Leicester Fan]

I just quit my job in a Helium Factory.

I was fed up being spoken to like that.