Sarcastic e-mail, very funny

[poolman]

This was probably posted a while back but I thought I would give it another airing

It's a very funny e-mail from a fed up Leith resident

1.. THE COMPLAINT
Dear Sir/madam/ automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this email with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three-point turn and disappearing again. This will ofcourse serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four-month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant, Mr X
2.. THE REPLY
Dear Mr X,
I have read your email and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards, PC Y Community Beat Officer
3.. THE REACTION

Dear PC Y
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original email. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own communitybeat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with achin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these you should feel free to contact me. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards Mr X
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.


A classic

[easty]

Here is an email I sent to the Amber Rose Pub in January.


Hi Amber Rose, on New Year’s eve we (we being myself and 2 friends) decided to head into town, have a couple of drinks, watch a bit of football, enjoy some lunch and very possibly do a bit of pre-Hogmanay shopping. Here’s how that went….

So, we get off the bus in George Street, it’s cold, we discuss where to go. I suggest, ‘Let’s just head to the Amber Rose, you know the one that used to be the Hogs Head, I heard you can get loads of quality chicken wings from there’. It was agreed by all that the Amber Rose was a good call.

On arriving at your establishment it was evident that it was extremely busy, due to the high volume of people in. We managed though, quite luckily I think, to find a table. The table was really meant for 2 people, and only had 2 stools, but we borrowed a stool from the table opposite and sat ourselves down. So far so good. Next, we perused the menu. The fabled chicken wings were indeed on there, we opted for the 30 wings option as a starter between us. We all decided to follow this with a burger, the burger of choice, for all, was the mega burger or something (I can’t remember what it was actually called, it had beef, chicken, cheese, bacon, onion ring, etc. on it), and, on paper, it looked impressive. I went to the bar and ordered the food along with 3 refreshing beverages. I was asked would I like curly fries or regular fries. We opted for curly. We also asked for no cheese on one of the burgers. Simple enough to do we thought, in fact you would think that not putting cheese on one of the burgers would actually be easier than putting cheese on it. It’s a time saver. Time is money. Money is good. Save time, you save money. Save cheese, you save money. Don’t give me friend cheese on his burger, he’s a happy burger eater. Everyone is a winner.

The chicken wings appeared in reasonable time, and were pretty damn good. They were eaten, fingers were licked clean. I would recommend them to a friend.

Then we waited.

We waited.

We waited.

We waited.

95 mins after ordering the burgers, they still hadn’t arrived. Was I still hungry? I wasn’t even sure. But, the picture of the burger was still there on the menu, the mega burger or whatever, and it still looked good. So, up went my friend to the bar to find out if we were likely to receive our lunch in 2011, or would we have to wait overnight till 2012? The food came 10-15 mins later.

Obviously as it had taken so long, our curly fries had morphed into regular fries, does that happen to all curly things, in time they turn straight? Also, cheese had managed to get in all 3 burgers. Wow. A long wait and the orders were wrong. Do we say anything? Nah, this took long enough we thought, let’s just eat it and go. Then I take a bite. The roll itself was awful, I bit into it and it pretty much disintegrated into a shower of dust. Tasty. The onion ring was not dissimilar to a rubber chew toy I got my dog for Christmas. The chicken looked a lot like chicken, but tasted a lot like nothing. The beef….well, was it beef? The beef looking burger type thing was the worst part of it.

All in all, we managed about to each eat about a 3rd of a burger each, I’d say I ate half of mines actually, but I was hungrier than I had anticipated. Despite the straightness of our “curly fries” they tasted fine and most of them were eaten from all 3 plates.

On the plus side, there were a lot of Man Utd fans in the pub. They all got really excited when Man Utd pulled level with the might of Blackburn Rovers. I found it amusing when Blackburn went on to win the game. I don’t think the Amber Rose can take any credit for that though. Can it?

So Happy New Year Amber Rose, this was just a little (not really that little I suppose, but if you can call regular fries “curly” then I can call this email anything I want) complaint. The pub was busy I appreciate that, but this was a terrible food experience.

Regards,

Andy

[easty]

And the Amber Rose reply...


Hi there Andy,

We are extremely sorry to hear that you had such an experience at our establishment over the busy festive period, and are glad you have brought this to our attention. We apologise profusely and would like you to know that time you have taken to write this complaint will not be wasted, as your feedback is greatly appreciated by all. However, out of the many meals that we have sold over this period, this is the first instance we have had a comparison of our food to being ‘dog toys’. As a team we are very surprised, if not shocked, that this was not brought to our attention on the day, because if the meal was as bad as you have stressed, then surely you would have wanted your money back? I can assure you also, that a meal has never taken 95 minutes to leave our kitchen, a slight exaggeration we feel. Even if it had taken 95 minutes, then you would have been fully refunded. Upon receiving your meal, you did receive a check back from one of our team members and for that reason we are astounded to discover the meal did not meet your high expectations, as the check back was a success. Why not say something then?

As we have stressed previously, we apologise profusely with regards to your experience on the 31st December 2011, and we welcome all feedback from every customer. However, the manner in which you have went about complaining to us here is somewhat derogatory, and as you have pointed out ‘time is money’, and this all could have been avoided if you had complained or brought this to our attention on the date in question – even if this involved your derogatory comparisons.

We shall re-access our specs in future and look at the quality of food our suppliers are delivering to us. If the food is not up to standard before leaving the kitchen, then we shall not present it to our customers.

We apologise again as a team and hope you shall return again in the future for those lovely chicken wings.

Arron Gibbons General Manager

[easty]

and finally my reply to thier reply, they didnt bother emailing me back


Hi Arron Gibbons General Manager,

Your email made me chuckle. For that, I thank you. I’d like to address a couple of points you made though.

I would, firstly, like to point out that it did indeed take longer than 95 mins for my burger to reach my table after it was ordered. I know this because I paid for said meal using my bank card. The accompanying receipt displayed the time of the transaction. While sitting and waiting for the food I checked this receipt and it was discussed, at some length, between the 3 of us that 95mins is a ridiculous amount of time to wait. Yes, we could have complained. We could even have unified into a smallish choir of sorts and, while banging the table rhythmically, sang “why are we waiting, why are we waiting…”. We didn’t though. We appreciated the fact that the pub was very very busy. Plus, as mentioned, the chicken wings did come in a timely fashion, so we did have something to eat and were probably days away from starving to a, somewhat melodramatic, death.

While that 95min wait was no exaggeration, the comparison of your onion rings to a dog toy was, I suppose, a slight exaggeration of sorts. The dog toy I am mentally comparing it too just happens to be green. The onion ring certainly wasn’t green. Be sure Arron, that if you ever served me a green onion ring I would be complaining a lot. I’d have been running round the Amber Rose waving it about like a loony. Also, it didn’t actually taste like rubber. I have put my dogs green rubber ring toy in my mouth for pulling matches with her, which I always win, but that’s neither here nor there. They don’t taste similar at all if I’m totally honest. So, we’ve established that your onion rings are neither green nor are they rubber tasting. So why did I compare it to the dog toy? I did this because of the strange hard spongy consistency of the onion ring. It’s hard to put it into words, perhaps you could try one for yourself and let me know what you’d compare it to?

My final point relates to what you describe as a ‘check back’. Is this the process where a member of staff comes over and asks you how your food is? I do recall being asked this when we were eating our chicken wings, however, there was no ‘check back’ when we were eating our burgers. Perhaps the staff were put off by our strange expressions while we tried to chew our way through the onion ring with great difficulty. Or maybe they just couldn’t see us through the cloud of dust created by biting into the roll? Either way, this ‘check back’ did not occur.

Regards,

Andy

[JE89]

There is a manner in which to complain and neither of these examples are the correct way. If you don't treat people with respect then don't expect respect back. (And before somebody says the pub didn't treat their customers with respect - that may be the case but the likelihood of it being the person you are contacting's fault is slim). I'm surprised either got a reply to be honest.

[wearethehibs]

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There is a manner in which to complain and neither of these examples are the correct way. If you don't treat people with respect then don't expect respect back. (And before somebody says the pub didn't treat their customers with respect - that may be the case but the likelihood of it being the person you are contacting's fault is slim). I'm surprised either got a reply to be honest.

Thats true but i did find those emails a funny read.

[Danderhall Hibs]

Has anyone ever read "Dear Coca-Cola"? You can get it as a free download on Amazon. There are some funny letters in that book.

[easty]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

There is a manner in which to complain and neither of these examples are the correct way. If you don't treat people with respect then don't expect respect back. (And before somebody says the pub didn't treat their customers with respect - that may be the case but the likelihood of it being the person you are contacting's fault is slim). I'm surprised either got a reply to be honest.

This is the manner in which I like to complain. I feel this way I gave the Amber Rose a little laugh and that would maybe make them feel a little bit better about the poor standard of food I recieved. I don't want to upset it anyone too much.

Be sure though, if someone hit me with thier car or set me on fire, I wouldnt be nearly as jovial about it.

[Jack]

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Has anyone ever read "Dear Coca-Cola"? You can get it as a free download on Amazon. There are some funny letters in that book.

Have you got a link?

[Danderhall Hibs]

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Have you got a link?

Link Sorry it's not free anymore, now £2.99. It must have been on offer a few weeks back when I got it.

[Speedy]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

There is a manner in which to complain and neither of these examples are the correct way. If you don't treat people with respect then don't expect respect back. (And before somebody says the pub didn't treat their customers with respect - that may be the case but the likelihood of it being the person you are contacting's fault is slim). I'm surprised either got a reply to be honest.

Dear Jevitt,

Thank you kindly for your comment about how to complain...

Edit: Somebody had to do it.

[Jack]

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Link Sorry it's not free anymore, now £2.99. It must have been on offer a few weeks back when I got it.

Cheers, that's what I found when I looked it up but thought you might have had a sneaky link :-)

[BroxburnHibee]

When it comes to sarcastic emails.............this one wins hands down every time

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847

[Dan Sarf]

I loved this one to Sir Richard Branson...

http://digg.com/newsbar/topnews/Virg...mplaint_letter

[Speedy]

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When it comes to sarcastic emails.............this one wins hands down every time

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847

I preferred this one:

http://theneave.com/david-thorne-missing-missy/

[HH81]

I have David Thorne's book if anyone wants to borrow it? It's class and so funny

[HibeeB]

Not a response but an application to B&Q....


NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.