'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Just_Jimmy]

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Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,

followed by Batman…

Very good.

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[Jakhog1]

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Took me a minute

Took me way longer than that

[CropleyWasGod]

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Took me way longer than that

Me too, but I was pretty well the worst in my class at Chemistry.

[J-C]

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Very good.

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Took me a while but finally got it.

[Hibbyradge]

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Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,

followed by Batman…

Too clever by half.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

I was told the eight grannies version and the penny drops quicker.

[Hibbyradge]

James Murphy is lying in a London hospital being tended by a nurse. He only has hours to live, so the hospital sends for his family.

His three sons are the first to arrive to see the old boy.

He waves Sean over to his bedside. He says “Sean, I am leaving you all my residential properties in the Mayfair area”. Sean smiles and kisses his dad on the forehead.

He then waves over Mick. He says “Mick, I am leaving you all my residential properties in the South Kensington area”. Mick smiles and kisses his dad.

Next, he waves over Seamus. He says “Seamus, I am leaving you all my office properties in the Oxford Road area”. Seamus smiles and kisses his dad.

The three sons then leave the room and a few minutes later James passes away.

Shortly afterwards, James’s widow arrives and stands at his bedside with a few tears rolling down her cheeks.

The nurse says to her “Mrs Murphy, you husband was a lovely man. He was extraordinarily generous and has provided enormous wealth to each of his sons. You should be very proud of him”.

Mrs Murphy looks at the nurse as if she has lost the plot. She says “I don’t know what you’re talking about, my husband was a window cleaner”.

[grunt]

What if John Lennon had sold his music online? Imagine all the PayPal.

[Hibbyradge]

I removed the shells from my racing snails thinking that it would help them go faster, but it only made them more sluggish.

[Hibbyradge]

I accidentally took my cat's medication last night.

Don't ask meow.

[grunt]

Ok, not so very smart, but

[Hibbyradge]

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"
The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.

The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!

[Hibrandenburg]

Q. How many Tories does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, they'll just tell you they've done it and the BBC will report on how bright it is.

[Hibbyradge]

What's the connection between a w*nk and a 3 putt?

They're both embarrassing but you know you'll do it again.

[AltheHibby]

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors, I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade. I never knew he was a dentist.

[Keith_M]

They so 'no man is an island'.


Have they never heard of The Isle of Man?

[Keith_M]

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Ok, not so very smart, but

[Hibbyradge]

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Sorry bro, but scroll up.

[Keith_M]

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Sorry bro, but scroll up.

If that's another really subtle joke then I'm not getting it.

[Billy Whizz]

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If that's another really subtle joke then I'm not getting it.

Noddy/An aw day.
Ticket

[Keith_M]

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Noddy/An aw day.
Ticket

Cheers, I got that bit (eventually). :-)

I was wondering about the 'scroll up' comment

[Just Alf]

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Cheers, I got that bit (eventually). :-)

I was wondering about the 'scroll up' comment

I was thinking that too...

S'funny when the "whooshee" is actually the "whooshed"!

[Keith_M]

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I was thinking that too...

S'funny when the "whooshee" is actually the "whooshed"!

True

[Hibbyradge]

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I was thinking that too...

S'funny when the "whooshee" is actually the "whooshed"!

Yes, my mistake. I was certain that I'd previously posted the same screenshot but that was on a WhatsApp group not here.

I accept my whooshing!

[Just Alf]

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Yes, my mistake. I was certain that I'd previously posted the same screenshot but that was on a WhatsApp group not here.

I accept my whooshing!

.


Don't worry, we've all been there!

[Keith_M]

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Yes, my mistake. I was certain that I'd previously posted the same screenshot but that was on a WhatsApp group not here.

I accept my whooshing!

[AltheHibby]

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden the driver hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later Trump saw his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Trump.
The driver replied, "All I said was, “I'm President Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig.’”

[AltheHibby]

Why it's so difficult to learn English:

There is 1 silent K in knight;

There are 2 silent Ks in knicknack;

And there are 3 silent Ks in Republican.

[AltheHibby]

An Arab sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman with the same rare blood type with located. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again his doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab didn’t his previous extravagant gesture.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. What gives?”
To this the Arab replied: " Aye laddie, but now Ihave Scottish blood in ma veins."

[Hibrandenburg]

Not a joke as such but a Limerick:

(12 + 144 +20 +3 × √4) ÷ 7 + 5 × 11 = 9² + 0