'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Moulin Yarns]

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There was a bit of trouble in my class earlier, so I took one boy out and spoke to him:

"It wasn't me sir, it was him" he protested.

"I watched you hit him" I said, "it's your fault."

"But sir, he hit my nape, scratched my vertebrae and kicked my lumbar."

"Enough, I've made my decision" I shouted, "I'll have no more of your back-chat."

he was a sacroiliac

[Since90+2]

Where does Robin Hood buy his flowers?





Sherwood Florist

[jonty]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
"Round?"

"Round..."

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round"

[Northernhibee]

There’s a scientific reason that if a human makes a noise then it will bounce off the walls and echoes, but not a pigeon.

A ‘coo’ sticks.

[Squealing pig]

What does Lewis hamilton use to phone the family on lockdown, Zooooooom

[Future17]

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There’s a scientific reason that if a human makes a noise then it will bounce off the walls and echoes, but not a pigeon.

A ‘coo’ sticks.

That's terrible.

[J-C]

I was in bed last night with the wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse." I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

[J-C]

Prince Charles takes up jogging,
each day he jogs past a hooker who calls out to him '£150'
he would call back '£5'
This went on for quite some time.
One day Camilla decided to jog with him,
he was very apprehensive as he knew what the hooker
would say. As they jogged past the hooker shouted
'See what you get for £5 you tight *******!!'

[J-C]

We were strolling along the prom this morning when a seagull dropped his crap on my very bald head.

"Oh ****," came my plaintive cry.

"Hold on," said Lorraine as she rummaged through her bag. "I've got some bits of toilet paper."

"Don't be daft," I said. "It'll be miles away by now."

😕

[heretoday]

Pupil: Sir? You wouldn't punish someone for something they hadn't done would you?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Pupil: Oh good, because I haven't done my homework.

[c31]

My French friend said to me: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
He said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

[Moulin Yarns]

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My French friend said to me: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
He said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

Actually had to take a second to 'listen: to it. 👍

[hibby6270]

I was tempted to share my chiropodist joke here but decided against it, too corny.

[Moulin Yarns]

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my continual Pet Shop Boys related puns...

I said 'What have I done to deserve this ?'

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Snowman says to his pal, can you smell carrots?

[speedy_gonzales]

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Snowman says to his pal, can you smell carrots?

That's up there with;

Two budgies are on their perch when one turns to the other and asks "can you smell fish?"!

[hibby6270]

This year just gets worse ,I’ve just heard Chris Rea’s car has broken down!

[J-C]

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This year just gets worse ,I’ve just heard Chris Rea’s car has broken down!

Yea, "getting a lift home for Christmas" doesn't have the same ring to it.

[Moulin Yarns]

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You thought 2020 couldn't get any worse?

Chris Rea's car has failed its mot.

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

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Thumbing a lift home for Christmas doesn't have the same ring to it.

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This year just gets worse ,I’ve just heard Chris Rea’s car has broken down!

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Yea, "getting a lift home for Christmas" doesn't have the same ring to it.

Repeat jokes aren't funny

[J-C]

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Repeat jokes aren't funny

Haha forgot about that post 😂👍

[Moulin Yarns]

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Haha forgot about that post 😂👍

👍

[J-C]

My wife and I were out with her parents and I was telling them about our new bedroom drapes:
I said, "They're magnificent, presented in traditional 16th century English style. I close them and nobody could ever see what the 2 of us get up to in bed together."
My wife's mum said, "You have Tudor curtains?"
"That's right," I said. "And sometimes I bite her clitoris too."

[alhibby]

My wife asked

"Have you seen the dog's bowl?"

I replied

"No, I didn't know they could play cricket!"

[Jonnyboy]

My neighbour hammered on my door at 2.30 this morning.

Luckily I was still up, playing my bagpipes

[HibbyDave]

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My French friend said to me: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
He said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

A myth? Is that not a female Moth?

[Hibrandenburg]

My mate has just been charged with murder after killing a guy with sandpaper, he only wanted to rough him up a bit.

[c31]

Christmas cracker joke time:-

What goes "oh, oh, oh"?
Santa walking backwards

[Future17]

I hate hypocrisy. Not my own, other people's.

[Northernhibee]

How did Bing Crosby and David Bowie fix their deflated backsides at Christmas?

With their rubber bum pump.

[c31]

I was at the optician today and he asked me what I can see,
so I told him I see empty stadiums empty airports and empty bank accounts,
and he says your sight is good you have 2020 vision