That's special by the way. love itThis quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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04-10-2011 02:32 PM #91
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04-10-2011 05:26 PM #92
BBC News: An ultra-light plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.
Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction
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12-10-2011 03:25 AM #93
Paul McCartney must be gutted, his new wife is already spending twice as much on shoes.........
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12-10-2011 09:58 AM #94
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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12-10-2011 10:42 AM #95
A couple are having marital problems and go to see a marriage guidance councilor. He invites them to speak and the wife goes into a ten minute rant about her husband's faults such as lack of intimacy, understanding and love etc. The councilor stands and goes round to the woman and tells her to stand up. He takes her top off, fondles her breasts and gives her as big hug and kiss. He turns to the husband and says "Your wife needs that three times a week, can you manage that?" The husband hesitates and says " I can bring her round on Mondays and Wednesdays but I play golf on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday ..........."
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12-10-2011 09:58 PM #96
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. I won't say anything more about that white child, if you don't say anything more about that sheep."
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16-11-2011 06:50 PM #97
A blokes enjoying a pint a bitter in a pub when a woman comes up to his table puts her backside over the glass and breaks wind. She then walks away and stands at the bar. The bloke goes up to her and says 'You fart in my Whitbread?'
She says 'No, I'm Tessa sanderson'
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19-11-2011 11:04 AM #98
My friend's company selling large sheep went bust....
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.
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02-12-2011 05:38 PM #99
Not really a joke, but not worth it's own thread.
http://producten.hema.nl/ touch the blue cup
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03-12-2011 07:48 AM #100This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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04-12-2011 10:45 AM #101
There are 10 types of people in the world that understand binary. Those that do and those that don't.
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14-12-2011 09:15 PM #102
I can't believe theyfired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in
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15-12-2011 05:52 PM #103
I saw Suggs doing an advert the other day about kicking racism out of football.
That's madness gone politically correct
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15-12-2011 07:28 PM #104
I took the shell off of my racing snail to try to make him go faster.
If anything, it's made him more sluggish.
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15-12-2011 08:43 PM #105
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
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21-12-2011 04:52 PM #106This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show QuoteThis quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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28-12-2011 11:03 AM #107
"I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
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For more of his stuff...
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/au...en_wright.htmlLast edited by snooky; 28-12-2011 at 11:06 AM.
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28-12-2011 11:42 AM #108This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
Irish divers have just reported that after all these years the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full of water.Last edited by snooky; 28-12-2011 at 11:53 AM.
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18-02-2012 10:24 AM #109
I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.
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25-02-2012 11:45 AM #111
Van Gogh sitting in a pub. In walks Gauguin, spot VVG and says "Hi Vince, fancy a pint?"
Van Gogh says "No thanks, I've got one 'ere."
It's better spoken than read.
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25-02-2012 05:21 PM #112
"Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace. Why haven't you read it?" "Sorry Miss. It's a long story."
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21-03-2012 03:51 PM #115
My mate bet me ten pound that I couldn't get some meat from a high shelve.
I said "No, the steaks are too high"
Better said aloud
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26-03-2012 06:56 PM #116
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks'Last edited by Scouse Hibee; 12-11-2013 at 01:30 PM.
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05-04-2012 12:48 PM #117
I was offered "a good time" for £50 recently. I said to the girl your way too young and she replied how you know my name.
Boom boom.
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07-04-2012 11:38 AM #118
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb in a kitchen?
None, the bitch can cook in the dark.
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08-04-2012 10:06 AM #119
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's great. In fact, I just can't put it down.
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