'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[J-C]

Just a heads up ...I need some help. A few months ago I accepted a friends request from a guy called Buster, as we both had an avid interest in the 70's band The Sweet. He sent me the odd video of the band but then he started to bombard me with not only videos but almost non stop messages on Messenger......now as much as I like The Sweet I thought enough is enough and so I tried to unfriend and block him but I was unable to.....this is where I need technical help ...

Does anyone know the way ....there's got to be a way to block Buster ?

[Northernhibee]

Just sold my vacuum cleaner. It was only gathering dust.

[J-C]

Did you see the scarecrow won an award, he was outstanding in his field.

[Caversham Green]

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Just sold my vacuum cleaner. It was only gathering dust.

I need a new one too - my current one sucks.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Thinking about a change in career. I have been offered a position as an inspector in a mirror factory. I've no real interest in the job, but it's definitely something that I could see myself doing.

[BS44]

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[matty_f]

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Thinking about a change in career. I have been offered a position as an inspector in a mirror factory. I've no real interest in the job, but it's definitely something that I could see myself doing.

I was delighted when I got a job there, was beside myself!

[grunt]

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[AltheHibby]

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Brilliant! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Hibbyradge]

My son told me he’d get bullied at school because of his name … I said" Oh come on Someoneyourownsize, why would they?"

[SuperAllyMcleod]

Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many levels.

[BS44]

A man received a parrot as a gift, but the bird had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
The man tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, he was fed up yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

He shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, the man threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, the man quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto his outstretched arms and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

The man was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude and just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued: “May I ask what the turkey did?”

[J-C]

This guy just stopped me in the street and asked why I was carrying a 9ft book, I said it's a long story.

[One Day Soon]

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40 pager.

Peevemor was very nearly right, 12 years ago.

[Northernhibee]

Did you hear about the dyslexic baker who joined the army?

He went out all buns glazing.

[BS44]

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[J-C]

Paddy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths with a large fish under his arm. Murphy shouts up, "What you gonna do with that?"
Paddy replies, "Triple somersault with pike."

[stuart-farquhar]

I went to the Doctor as I was hearing music constantly when I was out and about. The Doc took one look at me and said " it's the band on your hat"

[AltheHibby]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.

"No!" replied the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Kia, you live with it!"

[Moulin Yarns]

Doctor: I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

[Northernhibee]

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Doctor: I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

That's excellent

[Hibrandenburg]

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That's excellent

Yep, that ticks all the boxes in the thread title.

[heid the baw]

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I went to the Doctor as I was hearing music constantly when I was out and about. The Doc took one look at me and said " it's the band on your hat"

Guy goes to the doctor says I keep hearing music, in my left ear I hear "Green green grass of home" in my right I hear " my my my Delilah"
Doctor says it sounds like you've got Tom Jonesitis
Guy says is that quite common?
Doctor replies, it's not unusual.

[AltheHibby]

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If he won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up, declared himself beaten, said the Rabbi was too clever and the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I don't have a clue!’ the Rabbi said.

First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'

‘Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?’ shrugged the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!'

[Hibbyradge]

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

[Hibrandenburg]

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

[BS44]

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Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If he won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up, declared himself beaten, said the Rabbi was too clever and the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I don't have a clue!’ the Rabbi said.

First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'

‘Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?’ shrugged the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!'

🤣

[Alfiembra]

I asked a landscape gardener if he could sort out my garden.
He said, sorry mate I can’t help you, your gardens portrait.

[Northernhibee]

Got caught robbing the Apple Store last night.

Too many iWitnesses.

[J-C]

I said to the wife she should embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug.