'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[Northernhibee]

I now regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but I suppose that’s Heinz sight for you.

[Sudds_1]

What do donkeys on blackpool beach get for their lunch?

Half hour like everybody else...

[Sudds_1]

Difference between a magicians wand and a police truncheon?

Ones for cunning stunts......

[J-C]

Bought the wife a fur coat made from 1000 hamster skins, took to Blackpool pleasure beach and took me nearly 2 hours to get her off the bloody Ferris wheel.

[alhibby]

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released.

WHO let the dogs out.

[Mixu62]

Trees cut down to make jenga blocks are repeatedly forced to re-live their own death.

[Logie Green]

There was only one pint of milk left when I was at the shops this morning. It was shelf isolating.

[Hibrandenburg]

Everytime I hear the words Covid-19 I always then expect to hear Heart of Midlothian-0

[Hibrandenburg]

Me and the wife still can't agree on where we're going to spend our Easter holidays. I'm thinking living room but she's pretty keen on the bedroom.

[RyeSloan]

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Me and the wife still can't agree on where we're going to spend our Easter holidays. I'm thinking living room but she's pretty keen on the bedroom.

Is this a joke within a joke?

Surely the man wants the bedroom while the Mrs will be saying Aye right to that idea ;-)

[alhibby]

What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah".

A sheep with no lips.

[Logie Green]

Tam Cowan on Radio Scotland earlier said the person he feels sorriest for at the moment re Coronavirus is Philip Schofield because he's just come out but has now been told to stay in.

[Hibrandenburg]

Got in from work last night and had a few beers, going on 8pm I was a bit worse for wear and started singing "If you hate the ****ing Jam Tarts clap your hands". I didn't realise just how many people despise them.

[c31]

I was shopping Tesco yesterday and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.
I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly kid."
He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."
I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."
He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

[Hibbyradge]

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

[sleeping giant]

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What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah".

A sheep with no lips.

Brilliant :

[blackpoolhibs]

God was spotted making his way into Easter Road, asked why, he replied i'm working from home.

[Jonnyboy]

My mate told me that if I got an email headed knock, knock I shouldn’t open it as it’ll just be a Jehovah’s Witness working from home

[blackpoolhibs]

The seven dwarfs at the moment with this virus, are struggling to put food on the table.

[Hibbyradge]

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My mate told me that if I got an email headed knock, knock I shouldn’t open it as it’ll just be a Jehovah’s Witness working from home

👍

[Hibbyradge]

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The seven dwarfs at the moment with this virus, are struggling to put food on the table.

I hear Sneezy has been told to f*** off.

[Moulin Yarns]

I was drving down the road n got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked over shoved an open hand in my window n barked "PAPERS". I showed him 2 fingers n said "Scissors I win" and drove off. He must be keen on a rematch as he's been chasing me down the M1 at 85mph for 20 minutes

[weedgiehibbie]

Just bought some fly killer spray, it says on the tin 'avoid contact with eyes'

How the hell are you supposed to be that accurate!

[Scouse Hibee]

A vicar in America has been arrestied for injecting a cleaning fluid. He was charged with Bleach of the Priest.

[weedgiehibbie]

I was amazed to read that Michelangelo painted the Sistine chapel lying on his back, his shell must have made him wobble all over the place!

[The_Exile]

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Man goes to his Doctor's and says I am having terrible nightmares about being a moth. Doctor says I think that you need to see a psychiatrist. Man says, yes I know that, but I was just passing and saw a light on.

[Future17]

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Man goes to his Doctor's and says I am having terrible nightmares about being a moth. Doctor says I think that you need to see a psychiatrist. Man says, yes I know that, but I was just passing and saw a light on.

[c31]

I'm starting a Sarcasm Club and I would Really Love it if you were to Join...

[Scouse Hibee]

A dwarf goes to the doctors, he tells the doctor that he thinks he has an STD as his ***** has turned bright red, the doctor tells him to drop his trousers, takes one look and says yeah you’re right it’s no white.