A weegie vasectomy

After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley , and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate.


An English ventriloquist visiting Aberdeenshire walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his front porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager.....

Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Sandy: 'The dog disnae talk, stupid .'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Sandy: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the loch once a week to play.'

Sandy: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Sandy: 'eh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Sandy: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Sandy: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Sandy: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f **king liar…'




Found on the fridge one morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.



Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel

like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing

comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you

don't have a bowel movement any more.? You take laxatives, eat bran,

sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old?

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00.? I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no

problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and

c##p every morning at 6:30......So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"




A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the flu, my Mum
said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher." Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a
bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my Dad says it
will take the contagious."


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.



'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'