Das Englander jokes

[H18sry]

Come home agent Capello return to Tartan Army headquarters mission accomplished

England are to replace the 3 lions on there shirt with 3 tampons to represent that this is the worse ever period in there history

The ball was in, the ball was out, in, out,in out the ref was in no doubt, the Germans going through and the English going out that's what it's all about hey

A London pub landlord who closed his pub and reserved the tables for paying fans only, was taking no bull**** today. He caught two guys trying to climb through the toilet window, but he told them to get back in and watch the end of the game.


It's just been announced on a Sky news flash that the England team's flight will arrive at Edinburgh airport on Monday night so they can recieve a hero's welcome


In the jungle,a South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight, cause in the morning, the early morning, they have to catch a flight, a win away a win away a win away, all sing along now


BBC and ITV have decided not to show any highlights tonight, instead they will be showing the film OUT OF AFRICA.

[offshorehibby]

*IMPORTANT WEATHER WARNING*
Flash floods are expected in the north of England due to 5 million Scots pissing themselves laughing

[Bayern Bru]

My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.
Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

Nothing says '****** it' quite like bringing Heskey on with 15 minutes left.

The England team were up against the old enemy this afternoon...
Unrealistic expectations.

[Phil D. Rolls]

Heard they have a new coach. A 44 seater going to the airport.

(I'm here all week.)

[Riordans Boots]

From Hibby D via txt -



Loud speaker - Would all passengers flying back to England please head for gate 4-1 as flight U1FUCCKALL is ready to depart

[HibbiesandtheBaddies]

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My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.
Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

Nothing says '****** it' quite like bringing Heskey on with 15 minutes left.

The England team were up against the old enemy this afternoon...
Unrealistic expectations.

[Cod Boy]

442 today
747 tomorrow

[Barney McGrew]

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BBC and ITV have decided not to show any highlights tonight, instead they will be showing the film OUT OF AFRICA.

Followed by re runs of Auf Wiedersehen Pet

[offshorehibby]

England supporters awaiting the arrival of the 'Worl Cup express' are advised that due to a points failure and subsequent derailment at Cape Town, the 22:12 from Cape Town has been cancelled.

Further bad news as the road north has been blocked by a large number of wheel less chariots. Police advise that any owner of a vehicle unable to swing low, should call south African emergency services on 0900-GETITUPYEEZ, and await the arrival of someone coming for to carry them home.

Kind locals are believed to be keeping distressed England supporters supplied with large amounts of humble pie, although sour grapes are available if necessary.

[cheltenhamhibee]

david blaine is reported to be extremely upset because his record of sitting in a box for 42 days doing f*** all has just been beaten by wayne rooney

[KiddA]

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Come home agent Capello return to Tartan Army headquarters mission accomplished

England are to replace the 3 lions on there shirt with 3 tampons to represent that this is the worse ever period in there history

The ball was in, the ball was out, in, out,in out the ref was in no doubt, the Germans going through and the English going out that's what it's all about hey

A London pub landlord who closed his pub and reserved the tables for paying fans only, was taking no bull**** today. He caught two guys trying to climb through the toilet window, but he told them to get back in and watch the end of the game.


It's just been announced on a Sky news flash that the England team's flight will arrive at Edinburgh airport on Monday night so they can recieve a hero's welcome


In the jungle,a South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight, cause in the morning, the early morning, they have to catch a flight, a win away a win away a win away, all sing along now


BBC and ITV have decided not to show any highlights tonight, instead they will be showing the film OUT OF AFRICA.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php...d=326438887715

Some good pics on here

[California-Hibs]

Good News! I just popped down to tescos and noticed they have all the England mars bars on special offer. They're now two 4-1 !

[H18sry]

Two linesmen walk into a bar one from 1966 and one from 2010. The 1966 linesman says to the 2010 linesman "they didn't have specsavers in 1966. whats your excuse? The 2010 linesman said john terrys been humping my wife

[jst1875]

WEATHER WARNING !
the north of england has been put on fllood alert..............................



due to the whole of scotland p!ssing themselves laughing

[Golden Bear]

Gladys Knight and the Pips have been banned from performing in England. They don't want anyone singing a song that starts with "4-1's in my life".

[--------]

A busload of England supporters arrive in Hell.

The devil orders the furnaces to be heated up extra hot for them, but to his great surprise they all take their shirts off and settle down to enjoy it.

"What's going on here?" asks the devil. "You're supposed to be weeping and wailing and gnashing your teeth. Why all the smiles?"

"We all come from Cleethorpes," they explain. "It's always cold and wet and windy there. This heat's just grand. We love it."

So the devil orders the furnaces to be heated up to Absolutely-SuperDuper-MegaRoasting-50,000-Degrees-Celsius-Incandescent-REALLY-Burny-Burny-Gas-Mark-9,000.

"Let's see how they like THAT," he says to himself.

But the English fans just love it. They're lying back toasting themselves.

"Are you lot crazy?" asks the devil. "This is the hottest we've ever had this place, and you're enjoying it?"

"Yup," say the guys from Cleethorpes. "Compared to where we come from, this is just great."

So the devil orders the furnaces to be closed down, and the refrigeration plant to be turned on.

Soon the temperature's down to -273 degrees Clesius - absolute zero.

It can't get any colder.

Icicles hanging from the ceiling.

Weeping and wailing and teeth-gnashing going on all over Hell - except where the guys from Cleethorpes are.

They're dancing and cheering and singing and celebrating like nothing the devil's ever seen before.

"What's going on NOW?" he roars. "I thought you lot like the heat?"

"Well," said the England fans, "if Hell's frozen over...."






(WAIT FOR IT)



".... then England must have won the World Cup!"

[Hank Schrader]

Daily Mash Headline

[Peevemor]

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Daily Mash Headline

[nonshinyfinish]

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Daily Mash Headline

We have a winner!

[WellingtonHibby]

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A busload of England supporters arrive in Hell.

The devil orders the furnaces to be heated up extra hot for them, but to his great surprise they all take their shirts off and settle down to enjoy it.

"What's going on here?" asks the devil. "You're supposed to be weeping and wailing and gnashing your teeth. Why all the smiles?"

"We all come from Cleethorpes," they explain. "It's always cold and wet and windy there. This heat's just grand. We love it."

So the devil orders the furnaces to be heated up to Absolutely-SuperDuper-MegaRoasting-50,000-Degrees-Celsius-Incandescent-REALLY-Burny-Burny-Gas-Mark-9,000.

"Let's see how they like THAT," he says to himself.

But the English fans just love it. They're lying back toasting themselves.

"Are you lot crazy?" asks the devil. "This is the hottest we've ever had this place, and you're enjoying it?"

"Yup," say the guys from Cleethorpes. "Compared to where we come from, this is just great."

So the devil orders the furnaces to be closed down, and the refrigeration plant to be turned on.

Soon the temperature's down to -273 degrees Clesius - absolute zero.

It can't get any colder.

Icicles hanging from the ceiling.

Weeping and wailing and teeth-gnashing going on all over Hell - except where the guys from Cleethorpes are.

They're dancing and cheering and singing and celebrating like nothing the devil's ever seen before.

"What's going on NOW?" he roars. "I thought you lot like the heat?"

"Well," said the England fans, "if Hell's frozen over...."









(WAIT FOR IT)



".... then England must have won the World Cup!"

Oi! Cleethorpes is actually quite sunny most of the time!

[--------]

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Oi! Cleethorpes is actually quite sunny most of the time!

So YOU say - still freezing cold.

[Irish_Steve]

They think the ball`s over, it is now!

[Aldo]

Here's one plain and simple

ENGLAND.

ENDOF.

World beaters 1966 blah blah blah blahh.

Believed their own hype. Rooney??????? Never touch a ball IMHO.
Goal line decision....KARMA....Geoff Hurst the only man to score a 2 goal hat trick.

ENGLAND GTF

that has been building up for weeks.

[--------]

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Here's one plain and simple

ENGLAND.

ENDOF.

World beaters 1966 blah blah blah blahh.

Believed their own hype. Rooney??????? Never touch a ball IMHO.
Goal line decision....KARMA....Geoff Hurst the only man to score a 2 goal hat trick.

ENGLAND GTF

that has been building up for weeks.

One goal. There were spectators on the pitch for the last one. Should have been disallowed.

[HibeeDave]

John Terry starts a new job soon as a scarecrow.
He should be quite good at it as he is used to standing in the middle of a field doing **** all.

[hfc rd]

the tv listings

15.00-17.15 Match Of The Day Live Germany vs England


17.15-19.00 (FILM) Out Of Africa

[Mixu62]

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We have a winner!

"Meanwhile, central defender John Terry finally arrived back in England's 18-yard box last night only to find that everyone else had gone home"

I'm getting some funny looks at work again!

[Titch]

So the Germans have said that England's "goal" being disallowed is fine and acceptable as it was simply Karma for the Russian Linesman Incident in '66. Well said Germany, and on a similar note I have opened a wonderfully legitimate new recreational shower chamber that 6 million of you should pop along to, free of charge, and discuss the ins and outs of your Karma theory

[H18sry]

The England squad were devasted when they went down for breakfast on Monday morning to find, all that was left was CHEERIOS.

[Sylar]

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So the Germans have said that England's "goal" being disallowed is fine and acceptable as it was simply Karma for the Russian Linesman Incident in '66. Well said Germany, and on a similar note I have opened a wonderfully legitimate new recreational shower chamber that 6 million of you should pop along to, free of charge, and discuss the ins and outs of your Karma theory

Oh dear