Apologies to mssrs Cleese, Palin et al

[Isaac_Refvik]

Dead Football Team Sketch

The cast:
MR. PRALINE
A. Supporter
SHOP OWNER
John Hughes
________________________________________
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this football team what I purchased a season ticket for not half an year ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Hibernian Green...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead football team when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable team , the Hibernian Green, isn'it, it? Beautiful passing!
Mr. Praline: The passing don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'It's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake them up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Hibby ! I've got a lovely fresh win bonus for you if you
show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, it moved!
Mr. Praline: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO DEEK!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Bamba out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead footballer.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Hibernian Greens stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That football team is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf a season
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and ****ged out following a prolonged winning spell.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the close season.
Mr. Praline: (in high pitched Graeme Smith voice)PININ' for the CLOSE SEASON?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Hibernian Green prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable team, innit, squire? Lovely passing!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that football team when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its UEFA qualifying perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to that Champions League place and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this team wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'Em's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'It's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'It's not pinin'! 'It's passed on! This team’s season is no more! It has ceased to be! 'It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! 'It’s metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the
bucket, It's shuffled off it’s mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-SEASON!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of Hibernian Greens.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a Nade slug?
(pause)
Mr. Praline: It looks rather large
Owner: You might need a few forklift trucks to carry him home.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? On second-thoughts I’ll stick with what I’ve got, my man. At least the Hibernian Green will look good in it’s new cage next season unlike that unsightly pink thing the slug’s in
Owner: Good choice, Sir.

[PeeJay]

- Well done mate - - need something to cheer us up after last night!

[therealgavmac]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Dead Football Team Sketch

The cast:
MR. PRALINE
A. Supporter
SHOP OWNER
John Hughes
________________________________________
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this football team what I purchased a season ticket for not half an year ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Hibernian Green...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead football team when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable team , the Hibernian Green, isn'it, it? Beautiful passing!
Mr. Praline: The passing don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'It's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake them up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Hibby ! I've got a lovely fresh win bonus for you if you
show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, it moved!
Mr. Praline: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO DEEK!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Bamba out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead footballer.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Hibernian Greens stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That football team is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf a season
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and ****ged out following a prolonged winning spell.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the close season.
Mr. Praline: (in high pitched Graeme Smith voice)PININ' for the CLOSE SEASON?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Hibernian Green prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable team, innit, squire? Lovely passing!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that football team when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its UEFA qualifying perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to that Champions League place and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this team wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'Em's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'It's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'It's not pinin'! 'It's passed on! This team’s season is no more! It has ceased to be! 'It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! 'It’s metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the
bucket, It's shuffled off it’s mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-SEASON!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of Hibernian Greens.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a Nade slug?
(pause)
Mr. Praline: It looks rather large
Owner: You might need a few forklift trucks to carry him home.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? On second-thoughts I’ll stick with what I’ve got, my man. At least the Hibernian Green will look good in it’s new cage next season unlike that unsightly pink thing the slug’s in
Owner: Good choice, Sir.

Isaac my man - take a bow

[Glasgow Hibee]

Excellent stuff. Thanks for making me slightly less depressed this morning

[steino1875]

cheers

[Keith_M]

That's brilliant, somebody sent it in to ER please.

[Isaac_Refvik]

If you didn't you'd

[H18SScottW]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

If you didn't you'd

The latter was last night and you've gone a long way to restoring the former today. Good work fella

[Phil D. Rolls]

This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote

Dead Football Team Sketch

The cast:
MR. PRALINE
A. Supporter
SHOP OWNER
John Hughes

What have Hibs ever done for us anyway?

[noseyhibby]

Ha ha. Loved your post.

[EasterRoad4Ever]

brilliant