Fundamental Principles & Doctrines Of Hibs.Net

[Speedway]

Following yesterday's post on this subject, I've received requests from posters to expand on the original canon of scripture for our beloved messageboard.

Here then is the original text and I would encourage and welcome further revelations to be added to the core credos.


- You cannot post, sensible, logical, reasoned, well thought out posts. You must either be insanely ecstatic about stringing three passes together, with references to the Leith San Siro; or you must be on suicide watch where everyting is a 'disgrace', every player is 'not good enough' (until they are sold, then they are the crown jewels which the board is selling off so that Rod can build the moat for his house)

- No signing is ever 'Hibs class'. Those that become Hibs Class will have been predicted by 270 individual posters on here, who told us all along from the beginning what great quality the player would be. You will not be able to trace their posts to confirm this.

- All players ability improve dramatically during a victory or once sold. Our squad is increasingly weakened every season yet rather than be relegated as a result, our league placings and crowds are reasonably and consistently mediocre despite whoever is in the squad at any given time.

- Some posters on here have miserable lives, jobs and marriages. They don't have the guts nor self esteem to address those issues so Hibs become 'a ****** disgrace' instead. This depresses the rest of us. Misery loves company.

- Every manager we've ever had since the advent of the Internet Messageboard is 'Tactically Naive' Even if they then go on to be tactical geniuses elsewhere, they were devoid of that ability at ER.

- During a poor run of form, we hark back to any player that ever played ok for us once or twice, and insist that this player should return to the club and play in the 'Matty Jack Role'. When this does not happen, we use it as evidence that our board 'lack ambition'.

- LTYF does indeed mean 'Love To You Forever' Blackpool Hibs posted it whilst wearing a 'Kiss Me Kwik' hat. BH is our most sensitive poster, and enjoys nothing more than a spanking good discussion with other users.

- TQM, Scoopyboy, Derek HFC and myself are sometimes considered to be 'in the know' with regard to transfer news. Only two of us actually are and one of them isn't me. We tend to get news of deals a lot quicker than the majority of posters here however, because of our lines of work/contacts.

- You must make fun of the Yams, even when it's hypocritical and even when we're a much bigger laughing stock ourselves. Laughing at ourselves only depresses us. We are Bi-Polar.

- Rod Petrie, stands for all things good as a man of integrity and unimpeachable fiscal responsibility.

- The only goalkeepers who are good goalkeepers are bald goalkeepers. This means Stack, our new goalkeeper will become a bumbling inept journeyman when he makes his first mistake in Hibs colours. The accuracy of this prediction could allow you to reasonably conclude that he has already made his first mistake by agreeing to join the club in the first place. The coaching will be blamed once he has left the club, however.

Please add further enlightenment as inspiration dictates.

[ancient hibee]

You forgot "Deek can do no wrong" except for those who think"Deek can do no right".



You also forgot-older contributors are to be afforded every respect for their unrivalled football knowledge and memory of all things Hibernian even when they are privately considered boring old f*rts who can't remember what they did yesterday(whenever that was).

[lyonhibs]

- The use of the following smilies or at the end of a sarcastic post immediately strengthens your argument ten-fold and renders any comeback null and void.

- There will always be someone who asks the question "is he worth a punt" regarding any of the plethora of middling to mediocre players we have let go over the past decade, on the basis of "he can't be any worse than what we have right now" despite all the evidence to the contrary. See Nick Colgan and Mathias Doumbe.

- A striker failing to set the heather alight within 5 games is likely to be christened "the new Amadou Konte". The Midfield equivalent of this will be "the new Alan O'Brien" or "the new Jarkko Wiss" (depending on position of the signed midfielder) and the defender equivalent will be "The new Michael Renwick/Colin Murdock"

[Cabbage East]

Rule number 07 - Before any big game, someone must post a new song they've made up. The song will normally be utter minge and totally unsingable. Frequently the poster will not even suggest what tune it should be sung along to.

[lyonhibs]

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Rule number 07 - Before any big game, someone must post a new song they've made up. The song will normally be utter minge and totally unsingable. Frequently the poster will not even suggest what tune it should be sung along to.

Too true.

Number 8) Short of us taking 12,000 to Pittodrie on a freezing Tuesday night, you can guarentee that after almost every away game, AntiFa Hibs will come and have a moan about our "dwindling away support"

Number 9) 90% of posts that begin with "Don't shoot the messenger but I heard from a friend that................." will be absolute shiete and should warrant a .net court martial, with the minimum punishment being a flogging, plus 2 days in the stocks outside Robbo's Bar wearing nowt but a Hibs top.

[Speedway]

- Any discussion on Paul Dalglish must not contain the spelling of 'Dalglish' as 'Dalglish'. The only acceptable spellings are 'Dalgliesh' and 'Dalgleash'.

[matty_f]

-Any mention of the word 'Petrie' must be followed by either this smilie: or this one :

[hibsbollah]

Someone, somewhere, will try to defend the indefensible by saying a particular player (Brian Kerr/Keenan/OBrien) does a lot of 'unseen work'. This 'work' will be 'unseen' by everyone else. Which is the whole point, I suppose

[MyJo]

Any players linked to us who don't have a degree in website design and construction shall be instantly dismissed as not good enough for hibs on that basis alone.

Players positions shall be referred to by posters in the context of a mediocre player who previously played in that role for the club in the past......eg central defensive midfielder becomes "the matty jack role", speedy wingers are "Ivan Sproule on a motorbike"

[The_Todd]

Dean Shiels is the answer to everything. Everything.

[MyJo]

Despite the fact that the average height of a man in the UK is 5'10 anyone less than 6' who plays for hibs must be condemned as a 'useless midget"

[Barney McGrew]

Any potential signings ability is to be judged on how good they are on Football Manager

[The_Todd]

Despite the fact Football Rumours is even less truthful than Bill Clinton whilst caught with his trousers down, it is demanded and required that any and all Hibs-related stories be copied here and discussed as a true story, and it is expected (but no mandatory) to blame Rod Petrie for any rumours printed therein as it's all his fault.

[johnbc70]

Your an undercover Yam unless you have 100+ posts.

[Pedantic_Hibee]

- All official match update threads should be started by CalgaryHibs with the obligatory weather question punctuating his opening post.

- Any future prospective managers of Hibernian Football Club should arrive straight out of "leftfield", selling the bookies a "dummy" with every mention of their name.

[The_Sauz]

Anybody who does not goto an away game, is a part time Hibby no matter the reasons!

[lEXO]

If you dont sit in the East Stand you dont sing and are a moaning faced git that doesnae back the team.

[NORTHERNHIBBY]

Any Greggs postings MUST immediately be followed by a single reply of ......" source?". It is critical that this happens within one minute. This is followed by two automatic posts of either " red" or " brown". It MUST be accepted that these are not funny.

[Don Giovanni]

Any post deemed to be a rumour about the club will be interogated by the revealing question: "Sauce?"


You'd better have an answer ready, punk...

[One Day Soon]

Any post ending with the term 'end of' automatically isn't.

[Phil D. Rolls]

You can nip any argument in the bud before it starts by simply adding the word fact at the end of your post.

FACT

[One Day Soon]

You're wrong. End of.

See what i did there?

It is mandatory that in any discussion of the ahem 'finances' of the pink bretheren there should at some stage in the debate be an outbreak of ironic self abuse involving terms such as caravans, pegs, hiv, giros, sister, greyhound, etc. It is also good form but not de rigeur to deride in passing one particular resident of brokebank.com when discussing this theme. I will not give it the satisfaction in this posting however.

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You can nip any argument in the bud before it starts by simply adding the word fact at the end of your post.

FACT

[Phil D. Rolls]

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You're wrong. End of.

See what i did there?

It is mandatory that in any discussion of the ahem 'finances' of the pink bretheren there should at some stage in the debate be an outbreak of ironic self abuse involving terms such as caravans, pegs, hiv, giros, sister, greyhound, etc. It is also good form but not de rigeur to deride in passing one particular resident of brokebank.com when discussing this theme. I will not give it the satisfaction in this posting however.

Once the self flagellation is over though, it is customary to type the words Tick and Tock, and variations thereof.

Another rule is that language should avoid being officious, lest the accusation of "Open Letter" be levelled at the poster.

[One Day Soon]

Like a nasty case of the pox, flag debates will erupt suddenly and unexpectedly from within an otherwise perfectly innocuous thread leaving many mangled and destroyed in its path. It is essential that the two sides of such debates should be characterised by at least some prissy high mindedness on the one hand and a fair bit of brutal intolerance on the other.

It is EXTREMELY bad form for such a debate to end in agreement.

[Hibbyradge]

The first rule of hibs.net club

You never talk about hibs.net club

The second rule of hibs.net club

You never talk about hibs.net club

[ArabHibee]

You must pick a current squad player and berate them at every opportunity on the boards, even if they have an outstanding game
(see quite a lot of Churchy's posts for examples )

[Phil D. Rolls]

No one will ever say something negative about Sir Franck Sauzee, except on pain of death.

Got it?

[Phil D. Rolls]

Any player leaving the club for the Old Firm shall be reviled as a lickspittle, running dog, until such time as he returns to the Age of Change.

[Storar]

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Rule number 07 - Before any big game, someone must post a new song they've made up. The song will normally be utter minge and totally unsingable. Frequently the poster will not even suggest what tune it should be sung along to.

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- All official match update threads should be started by CalgaryHibs with the obligatory weather question punctuating his opening post.

You forgot that they MUST also include three stars on each side of the title. Failure to include these stars automatically makes the thread unofficial.

for example:

***Official Hibs v Hearts Updates Thread*** = Official
Official Hibs v Hearts Updates Thread = Unofficial


ANYBODY who even dares to think about the possibility of even pretending to ask for a link to watch a live Hibs game online is a bad supporter who is effectively draining money from the club and shouldn't be allowed back into Easter Road without facing severe punishment.

[Storar]

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No one will ever say something negative about Sir Franck Sauzee, except on pain of death.

Got it?

Thou shalt not spell 'Franck' as 'Frank'