An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman all meet up at the World Cup in Quatar, why was the Scotsman there?
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An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman all meet up at the World Cup in Quatar, why was the Scotsman there?
A man's in the ocean and about to drown when a boat passes and the captain said " do you need help" the man said " no, God will save me". Another boat passes and again he's asked if he needs help, the man said again "no, God will save me", the boat sails on. The man finally drowned and went to heaven, there he meets God and he asks him why he didn't save him, God says "I sent you 2 boats ffs you dummy"
Went down to the bank today and the woman behind counter suddenly started singing 'Downtown'.
I thought to myself that's a Peculiar Clerk.
What's the most popular Wine at Christmas?
"Aw, naw, not more Brussel Sprouts!"
:rolleyes:
I bought a Russian advent calendar; every time you open a window an oligarch falls out of it.
Went to buy a Xmas tree and the guy said are you putting it up yourself, I said no, I'm putting it in the living room.
It’s been three years since I left my quite frankly terrifying ex who was obsessed with Robbie Williams. In a new relationship now and never been happier.
Helen’s gone and Heather’s here, there’s nothing left for me to fear.
We have a 99 year old man in our darts team so as a surprise we are going to fulfill his wish by spending his century birthday in the Caribbean.
He'll be 100 in Haiti
What's the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate sex party?
One you come as you are, the other you arrrrr as you come.
I went to a club last night. They played The twist, I did the twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out.
Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walks into a bar.
The bartender calls 911 and says, "I'd like to report an attempted murder."
Ego and super-ego walk into a bar.
Barman says “Whoa, I’m going to need to see some id “
I found work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone got really surprised when I told them I was actually a doctor.
Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.
Last year I made a plan to sail around the world in the worlds smallest ship but, I bottled it.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,
followed by Batman…