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always had a soft spot for, I guess what you would call educational(?), jokes. Jokes to do with maths and the likes.
best two I've heard recently
My dad once told me i had a lot of potential, right before he pushed me off the balcony.
&
(not so much a joke, but I like it)
sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN!
anyone else out there with an awful sense of humour?
40 pager.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a Halloween lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Bought a car off Bonnie Tyler the other week.
It's a great runner but every now and then it falls apart.
i've got a mate with a seagull on his head - Cliff
A debate in the Middle East about whether the flintstones should be shown on TV.The people in Dubai do not understand the humour,but those in Abi Dabi do.
Are you suffering from schizophrenia?
You're not alone.
Why did the number get mad at his wife?
Because she was being irrational.
Q: Whats the difference between a duck ?
A: One of its legs are both the same !
Whats Orange and invisble?
No carrots.
Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: An etymologist would know the difference.
Did you know that Pokemon was originally a Rastafarian proctologist?
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I passed advanced calculus yesterday. It was very painful, and I'm still pissing blood.
As mathematical jokes go, I like this one.
Did you hear about the Irish paper shop?
It blew away!
(i will get my coat:greengrin)
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer juggling. He notices they are struggling to see him so stands up on a box so they can get a better view. He turns to each of them in turn and asks if the view is now better. They each answer in turn:
'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'
This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.
Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.
1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter
Thats very naughty...:greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Meeko
I really like the first one but I'm thinking that must mean I'm a bit 'wrong'. :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Doddie
And I have to 'borrow' the renaissance one, I did indeed laugh audibly. :thumbsup:
Stuart Francis on Mock the Week IIRC?Quote:
Originally Posted by Greentinted
Q: Why do Flamingo's stand on one leg?
A: They'd fall down if they lifted both.
Q: What cheese is made backwards?
A: Edam.
What do the French say when the tide is coming in?
-Merci
Why was the prisoner lonely?
-He was in his cell
Whats the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
-Bing sings but Walt disnae.
Probably not 'smart jokes' but they are bad!
How did the man drown in the bath?
-He farted and tried to smell it
:hilariousQuote:
Originally Posted by DH1875
Stunning lady walks up to a bar.
She signals the barman to bring his face close to hers.
Running her fingers through his hair she says softly "Are you the manager?"
"No", he says......"Can you give him a message?" she asks,
stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently & sliding them seductively across his teeth & round his tongue.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper."!!
A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.
"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.
Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
"That's the elephant's *****, son," explained the father.
"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.
Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
"Is that a do'nut or a meringue?"
"No you're quite correct-it's a do'nut."
I got a ghost to pose for a photograph for me but when I had the pictures developed they were too dark to see anything.
It seems the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
I shoved some grapes up my wife's bum last night.
She didn't complain much. She just let out a little wine. :greengrin
got a couple of good 'equations'
If a pizza has a height A and radius Z, find the volume.
Circumference (C) = Pi x Radius²
Volume (V) = C x height
V = Pi.radius.radius.height
sub in variables;
V = Pi.Z.Z.A
Proof that girls are evil
Girls require time and money
Girls = Time x Money
We know that time is money
Girls = Money x Money = (Money)²
As money is the root of all evil
money = √evil
therefore we take
Girls = (√evil)²
thus
Girls = Evil
I don't take orders from anyone.
Which is most probably why my restaurant went bust.
I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you ****ing do it"
My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.
My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?"
"A blowjob" I replied.
"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick o death of repeating myself to that woman.
:greengrin
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those that understand binary and those who don't.
00001010/00001010Quote:
Originally Posted by haagsehibby
:thumbsup:
:wink:
I asked my mate why do divers fall backwards out of the boat when entering the water?
he said , if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat you daft b*****d
I played in a football match against a team of unreliable drug dealers.
It ended in a no score draw.
Putin comes on a state visit and is greeted by Her Majesty in the State Coach.On the way to the palace one of the horses does a humoungous fart and a dreadful smell fills the coach."i'm terribly sorry about that."says Her Maj."Think nothing of it,"says Putin "in fact I thought it was the horse."
:top marks For a moment, you had me at worrying that I was pre-destined to wind up a craggy paedophile!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Meeko
I just saw Mr T getting on a baby horse.
I pity the foal.
After Fulham erected a statue of Michael Jackson, Arsenal have responded.
They are planning to erect a statue of Jim Bowen with the catch phrase
‘Lets have a look at what you could have won’
:rotflmao:Quote:
Originally Posted by forthhibby
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?.........................Poker Face.
I bought Adele's album the other day.
Ironically, it wasn't over until the fat lady stopped singing.
I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.
She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.
"What the **** is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"
"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."
Manager: "Adele, you just received an offer from Hollywood, they say they have a big role for you in the new Jerry Maguire movie. What do you think?"
Adele: "You had me at big roll."
:faf:Quote:
Originally Posted by Meeko
What happened to the Irish tap dancer?
Fell down the sink.
What happened to the Mexican shop lifter?
Broke his back.
Ever hear about the guy who tried to wash his stairs?
Broke his washing machine.
I guess Liverpool have no european success to braga bout now..
I'm here all week people :greengrin:taxi
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan
Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.
The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"
The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"
For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.
:thumbsup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Meh
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meh
:not worth
A guy goes hunting in the woods.
As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.
At which point a 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his forepaw.
"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That hurt!"
The hunter says, "Well, I'm a hunter, and you're a bear...."
The bear says, "Oh, really? And that gives you the right to shoot me when I'm minding my own business, not hurting anybody, just going about my regular bear affairs>? YOU need a LESSON!"
So the bear grabs the hunter, rips off all his clothes, and rapes him, before disappearing into the forest.
The hunter crawls back to the campsite where he's rescued and airlifted to hospital.
After lengthy surgery, much medication, and 6 months of psychological counselling, the hunter decides he's ready to face his fears and go back to the forest.
As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.
At which point the same 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his other forepaw.
"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That hurt! Hey, it's YOU again! Do you NEVER learn?"
So the bear grabs the hunter, rips off all his clothes, and rapes him all over again, before disappearing back into the forest.
The hunter crawls back to the campsite where he's rescued and airlifted to hospital.
After even more surgery and much more medication, and after a whole year of counselling, the hunter decides he's ready to face his fears and go back to the forest.
As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.
At which point the same 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his shoulder.
"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That really hurt!"
Then he stops, and looks hard at the hunter.
"Hey it's you AGAIN? You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
:devil:
23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.
Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the 1st ever No Nails bomb
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabby: "I married his *****ing widow."
That's the last time I commit suicide.
managed to miss this until now!Quote:
Originally Posted by Marabou Stork
quality!
My Mrs just found out that I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
"Old McDonald was dyslexic, i o e u a"
Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, "Can I borrow your lighter mate?"
She said, "I don't smoke."
"Neither do I," I replied, "I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby ****."
Q: What's the definition of eternal love?
A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
man walks into a butchers , with a massive condom on his shoulder, and says a pound of fillet , the butcher says , pound you dont:taxi
Electron and proton go into a bar. Proton: 'Your round'. Electron: 'You sure?' Proton: 'I'm positive'
I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly.
I just quit my job in a Helium Factory.
I was fed up being spoken to like that.
I ordered Pelican Curry but got a right shock when I saw the massive bill.
Neutron goes into a bar. Neutron asks the barman: "How much for a pint of Fosters". Barman replies: "For you sir, no charge."Quote:
Originally Posted by forthhibby
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
Got Olympic tickets for the 400m butterfly. Can't wait to see an insect that big.
Why don't they have bookies in China? The Chineese don't like Tibet.
:top marks :faf:Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiberlin
Glenn Campbells been diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease...
Now he's getting cards & letters from people he doesn't even know
I need to stop speaking to inanimate objects. Note to shelf.
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
"I have a split personality" said Tom being Frank.
My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.
40 stone.
im in hospital waiting for my daughters test results after she swallowed lots of lego.
Im not worried but she's sh**ting bricks
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
I'll give you marks for working but you've mixed up your formulasQuote:
Originally Posted by Jack
What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Wayne Bridge?
John Terry appreciates Wayne Bridge's misses.
"Wolfgang Mozart" said Mozart's friend to him. Then they were eaten by a gang of wolves.
I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.Quote:
Originally Posted by deano88
(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)
Is the correct answer.Quote:
Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish
Must've been a long day.
That's a crap joke.:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish
Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.
Ooh! Someone is well up to date on his quantum science. :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish
:LOL:Quote:
Originally Posted by Leicester Fan
Two DJ's walking down the street ...
DJ 1: "Do you fancy going to the pictures tonight?"
DJ 2: "Dunno, who's the projectionist?"
I had a Tarka Vindaloo.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiber-nation
Just like a Chicken Vindaloo, but it's 'otter.
Hospital visitor walks into a ward, goes up to the first bed and the patient says 'Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face'
Visitor says 'Aye,right' and goes to the next bed.
That patient says 'Wee sleekit cooerin' tim'rous beastie.'
Visitor turns to the nurse and says 'I take it this is a psychiatric ward?'
The nurse says:
'Naw it's the Burns unit.'
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a pint of lager and a mop.
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."
String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."
"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."
But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"
"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."
I had an argument with a Lolly pop lady today. She made me cross.
In the same vein as the above.........Quote:
Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish
Neutrino...................knock knock
Like!Quote:
Originally Posted by Caversham Green
:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Exile
I heard that one next week.
Let's wait for validation of the results, shall we?Quote:
Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish
VERY clever though. :thumbsup:
A woman walks into a butchers shop on a freezing winters day in Glasgow. Just as she enters, the butcher is coming out of the walk-in fridge and stands with his back to a heater. The woman looks at the meat on display and says, "it that your Ayrshire bacon?" The butcher replies, "naw, just tryin' tae warm ma hands up!"
A penguin walks into a bar.
Barman says 'can i help you'?
Penguin says 'I'm looking for my brother,have you seen him'?
Barman says 'what does he look like'?
Whats the difference between Mick Jagger and a sheep farmer from the the highlands?
Mick Jagger says 'Hey you get of a ma cloud'
Sheep farmer says ' Hey McLeod get of a ma Ewe'
Tea is for mugs.
-----------------------------
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
----------------------------
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
----------------------------
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off."
Doddie, I have to ask, are you sure that's not an autobiography? just that your sig picture looks like it has a 9ft grizzly bear on it.:devil:Quote:
Originally Posted by Doddie
Why is 10 afraid of 7?? 'Cause 7,8,9
A bear walks into a bar and the bar man goes "what ya want pal?"
Bear replies "a lager and a .................................................. .......................................whisky"
the bar man goes and gets the drinks when he gets back he goes to the bear "hey what's wi' the big pause???"
the bear replies "i was born with them" :taxi
That's special by the way. love itQuote:
Originally Posted by Wembley67
BBC News: An ultra-light plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.
Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction
Paul McCartney must be gutted, his new wife is already spending twice as much on shoes.........
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
A couple are having marital problems and go to see a marriage guidance councilor. He invites them to speak and the wife goes into a ten minute rant about her husband's faults such as lack of intimacy, understanding and love etc. The councilor stands and goes round to the woman and tells her to stand up. He takes her top off, fondles her breasts and gives her as big hug and kiss. He turns to the husband and says "Your wife needs that three times a week, can you manage that?" The husband hesitates and says " I can bring her round on Mondays and Wednesdays but I play golf on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday ..........."
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. I won't say anything more about that white child, if you don't say anything more about that sheep."
A blokes enjoying a pint a bitter in a pub when a woman comes up to his table puts her backside over the glass and breaks wind. She then walks away and stands at the bar. The bloke goes up to her and says 'You fart in my Whitbread?'
She says 'No, I'm Tessa sanderson'
My friend's company selling large sheep went bust....
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.
Not really a joke, but not worth it's own thread.
http://producten.hema.nl/ touch the blue cup
That's genius. :thumbsup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Leicester Fan