Just named my new race horse “My face”
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Just named my new race horse “My face”
As I was coming out of the pub tonight I fell over a guy on the pavement. It’s only September FFS.
Went to the sperm bank today to make a donation, they actually charged me £50 for the privilege! I told a mate about it, he said it was ridiculous and they must have seen me coming.
https://www.skysports.com/racing/for...69/my-face-usa
Strange but true! [emoji23]
What do Las Vegas and Sunderland have in common? You can pay for sex using chips.
Went to buy some camouflage clothes the other day, couldn't find any in the shops.
I phoned up a hotel and the receptionist said hello,best western. I said Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood ..........
Two men walked into a shop, one suffered a broken nose, the other a bruised knee.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don't know what you're missing!
My grief counsellor just died.
He was so good at his job I didn't even care.
I pulled my knickers out of my arse.
The mother of the kid who's birthday it was said " I was the sickest kids entertainer she's ever seen "
A wheel-chair bound chap decided to visit the healing waters of Lourdes. It was very crowded but he spotted a gap and went for it at such a pace that he ended up in the pool, wheel-chair and all. When they fished him out he was quite disappointed to find that he was still unable to walk, but found consolation in the fact that his wheel chair had a brand new set of tires.
Frankensteins wife: you never help with the cooking.
Frankenstein: I did the mash.
Frankensteins wife: don't you ****ing dare Frank!
Just found out that my grief counsellor just died.
He was so good at his job I didn't even care.
We've just bought a horse called Kingsmill.
He's purebread
There’s a new bird just signed for Hibs ladies and she is the latest member of the McGinn clan to join. Welcome Tar.
Decided on poached eggs for breakfast this morning. Wish I hadn’t bothered, the gamekeeper shot at me.
Was cladding a wall with cork tiles so ordered a box of 200 cork screws, it looks bloody stupid to be honest.
The government have suggested that we might need to stockpile German sausages and cheese, but that’s just the wurst kase scenario.
Two boys in school play. 300 parents attend the show and the boys are v nervous.
First boy to walk on stage and say to lead girl “ I’ve come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope”
Second boy then to appear on stage and exclaim
“ Hark i hear a pistol shot”
First boy walks on and sees the large crowd of parents: he then says:
“I’ve come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap”
The second boy is now bricking it and exclaims “ hark I hear a shistol pot, I mean a postal sht......
oh bollocks I never wanted to be in this stupid play!
I put a deposit on a new bed yesterday, they threw me out of the store.