I hate being bipolar, its awesome.
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I hate being bipolar, its awesome.
My pet mouse Elvis died this morning.
He was caught in a trap.
A convict with a stutter died in prison just before he could finish his sentence.
A sperm donor, a joiner and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw and he conquered.
I had to phone a drugs helpline today and was told "If your problem is related to cannabis press hash"
A man sees a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener and says, "You don't need a tin opener to open bananas."
To which the monkey replies, "It's for the custard, you daft *******.”:greengrin
I was in spec savers the other day, you’ll never guess who I bumped into? 👀 Absolutely everyone 😆👀😂😂😂😂😂😂
Did you hear about the alcoholic dyslexic man?
He choked on his own vimto.
After several break ins at butchers across the city, Police are struggling to find the missing link.
Asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She said, "they're right behind you".
Exit signs. Are they on the way out?
Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers. Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"
I was going to post a smart time travelling joke but nobody liked it.
I was going to see Bohemian Rhapsody last night, but the lighting wasn’t that great – I could see a little sillhoutte of a man…
The bathroom at work had a sign on the door which said
DO NOT USE
OUT OF ORDER
so I made sure I went to the toilet before I washed my hands.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . .. .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
It's amazing how a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Went to the supermarket to get 6 cans of sprite, when I got home, I realized I picked 7 up.
Bob Mortimer-Athletico Mince.
You ever heard of campanology?
Not sure, but it rings a bell.
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How many Rangers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all still live in the dark age.
Saw a film about a cartoon teabag it was rated PG
An elephant in the jungle sees a mouse for the first time.
"What are you", he asks.
"I'm a mouse" says the mouse, "what are you?"
"I'm an elephant" says the elephant.
"Why are you so small?" asks the elephant.
The mouse replies indignantly, "I've been ill."
Two guys were in court today for stealing a calendar, they both got six months.
Possibly not strictly in this thread category but I thought this Kevin Bridges joke was very funny:
A young woman from Clydebank was in Largs and was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Millport Ferry."
I used to like farm machinery.
I'm an ex-tractor fan.