'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

I have Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.








I have a Czech one too...Czech one too...Czech one too....

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
















Dr Dre

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife hates that nickname.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Future17

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife hates that nickname.

---

:thumbsup:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Future17

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife hates that nickname.

---

:faf:

I love this thread :greengrin

Put bet on 3 horses today.
Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times
Not one bloody winner!
I blame it on the bookie.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg

I love this thread :greengrin

---

me 2 :aok:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by forthhibby

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."

---

THE. BEST. JOKE. EVER.

http://www.hibs.net/images/smilies/not%20worthy.gif

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg

Guy with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks "do you have any flip flips? "

---

That's a belter :faf:

I'm stealing these .

Apologies in advance .

Guy goes into the same pub once a year for three years on the same date every July, orders three pints of lager drinks them and leaves. On the fourth year the barman remembers him and asks why he only comes once a year and drinks three pints.
The guy explains that 4 years ago he was finally reunited with two army colleagues who he served with in the second world war,one lives in Australia,the other in Canada. They vowed to each have a round of drinks every year on the anniversary of their reunion hence the three pints. The barman remembered the date and sure enough twelve months later the guy appeared and orderered only two pints of lager. "I'm so sorry said the barman, has one of your friends passed away"? "No" replied the guy. "my mate in Canada is on antibiotics so can't drink"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says 'can I have a martinus please?'
Barman says: 'don't you mean a martini?'
Julius Caesar says, 'If I wanted a double I'd have asked for one.'


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

What do u call the girl in the middle of the tennis court?


Annette

3 guys in the dock in front of a cock-eyed judge

Judge says to the first guy, "How do you plead" and the second guy says "Not Guilty" to which the judge replies "I wasn't speaking to you" and the third guy says "I never opened my mouth"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sleeping giant

That's a belter :faf:

---

Was worried that it might lose something in translation like most German jokes but this one actually works. :greengrin

Sad news tonight in show business, Glen Campbell has alzheimer's he's getting cards and messages from people he doesn't even know.

I just set myself up as a self employed fishmonger.

No employees yet, I'm a sole trader.

I was at a fundraiser disco for dyslexia Scotland
Everything was going brilliant until the DJ put on YMCA

Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sleeping giant

I'm stealing these .

Apologies in advance .

---

Don't get it.

A one eyed guy walks into a bar.....

A skeleton walks into a bar -

"A pint of lager and a mop please."

A uniped hops in to a bar......

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Future17

I remember that as a Reverend I M Jolly New Year classic. :greengrin

---

I believe it originated with the the late, great, Chic Murray?

"I was in London the other week. A chap came up to me and asked, 'D'you know the Battersea Dog's Home?' I answered, 'No - I didn't know he'd been away ...'"

Not a clever joke, but I thought it was funny.

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Stinky baws! 😂

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".

I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year.

It's going to be as big as the last two put together.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pete

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".

---

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo ?
Ones a little heavy and the other is a little lighter.