😂Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Must have seen it in the same place.
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😂Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Must have seen it in the same place.
Marianas Z on Twitter?Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
My mate’s having a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party, it’s called a Chinese Burns night.
I wasn’t going to go but he twisted my arm.
My neighbors Bill and Judy invited me over for dinner. Bill had grilled a chicken and as we sat down he said, “B#&#&#&#£& still didn’t tell me why he crossed the road.”
Guy goes into a bakers.
A sign says "Cakes £1 today"
Guy says "I'd like that one, please."
"Certainly, sir, that'll be £2."
Guy says, "£2?"
Yes, that's Madeira cake.
I’m really obsessed with playing in my heavy metal tribute band.
We’re called OCDC.
This should probably be in the Driving pet peeves thread, but I was pulled over recently by the Police for some nonsense infraction.
They looked at my license and said "you're supposed to be wearing glasses".
I said I have contacts.
He said he didn't care who I know!
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My Aunt Eva used to make homemade chicken soup she called 'Chicken Napoleon' because she made it from the bony parts.
What did the farmer say about his best performing scarecrow? He was outstanding in his field.
What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I’ve been married 40 years and I have a safe in my house that Ive told my wife she’s not allowed to open it.
Last week I came home and the safe door is open and she confronts me with what’s in it.
She says there’s £40000 in there and 3 eggs.
She asked me what are the eggs all about?
I said well every time Ive had an affair I put an egg in the safe.
She’s obviously very disappointed but says well I suppose 3 affairs in 40 years isn’t so bad. So what about the money.
I said well every time I make up a dozen I sell them.
Just seen a pensioner in the local supermarket car park collecting trolleys, He must have been pushing 80
I had a visit to the dentist the other day, it's a shame about the titanic.
Have you heard OCDC's latest album?Quote:
Originally Posted by weedgiehibbie
Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged, Live, Unplugged
My boss says he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture.
I've got a hunch it could be me!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My dad always said "when one door shuts, another one opens"
He never could sell that Skoda.
Just watched the new chubby checker film, has a right good twist at the end.
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.
I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s.
I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…
Funnily enough I was in a bar last week and Bono and the Edge walked in and the barman said 'oh no, not you two again!' 🙈😂Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
My mate asked me why I wear a hi-vis jacket all the time.
I said I wouldn't be seen without it
It's been said that it's impossible to make a pun out of a vegetable but that's not neccecellery true
That’s a turnip for the books.Quote:
Originally Posted by weedgiehibbie
Just got a job working in a spaghetti hoops factory.
They were impressed with my canned ooooo attitude.
The difference in the way men's and women's minds work can cause serious communication issues...
I was reading the paper the other day and my wife said to me, "I think I've got Tinnitus".
I looked across at her, and replied, "naw hen, they look awrite to me".
Been rain forecast but clear skies all day. So I asked my siri, “surely it’s not going to rain today?”
Siri replied “It is not going to rain today. And don’t call me Shirley”
It was then I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeeRussell
:faf:
Is this some kind of joke?Quote:
Originally Posted by WeeRussell