Quote:
Originally Posted by Killiehibbie
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
You see, it works!
:greengrin
Printable View
Quote:
Originally Posted by Killiehibbie
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
You see, it works!
:greengrin
Only if you have short legs. Or you're me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
Guy goes to a fancy dress party totally naked
Apart from a bit of sandpaper wrapped around his c..k
Host asked what have you come as
Naked guy answered Dick Emery
The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the roundabout.
They moved in different circles.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Your joke has been nicked by Tam Cowan and was in yesterday's Daily Record
'Meanwhile, a village with the longest name – Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob – can now get the fastest broadband: a gigabit a second.
Tell you what’s even more impressive – my old Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy visited the legendary Welsh village a few years ago and, while eating his lunch one day, he asked a member of staff: “How exactly do you pronounce this place?”
And the lassie said: “BURGER KING…” '
https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/opinio...-just-25426945
I got it from a Welsh mate who can pronounce the stations name, it does get rather moist when he does it though.Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
My budgie escaped from its cage and mated with my dog.
I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested
Ever noticed how the some of the greatest Formula1 drivers their surnames are the the same as Scottish towns?
Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Toon Centre.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfiembra
Yeah, the guy that posted it the first time
:wink:
Novak Djokovic is the first player to be knocked out of a Grand Slam tournament after missing only 2 shots
I've been conducting a scientific study about the effects of alcohol on how people walk, the results are staggering.
Paddy says to his Wife, my bum hole is on fire, what do you think is wrong, his Wife says, ring sting, Paddy replies, **** off, how the hell would he know !!
I have a new girl friend. She works at a factory making wheelie bins.
Not sure what day to take her out.
Stallone: I'm making a new film about composers, I'll be playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Nope, not saying it.
Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk
I think my tennis coach fancies me, I’m crap at tennis but she keeps calling me love.
:greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
I'll be Rimsky-Korsakov. :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by Speedy
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...ce2eb32611.png
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Two scientists walk into a bar, the first asks for a glass of H2o, the second says he'd like a glass of H2o too. The second scientist dies.
Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk
There's a subreddit called r/etymology where people ask question about and discuss the origins of words.
Today someone posted a video asking if anyone could identify the butterfly in it, prompting this reply:
Quote:
People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
Awesome! 👏👏👏Quote:
Originally Posted by nonshinyfinish
Was out for a meal the other.night in a Star Wars themed restaurant.
Had a steak but it was a little Chewy.
I blew up my chemistry experiment earlier.
Oxidents happen.
Someone told me I was average.
I thought that was mean.
The reason aliens don't visit us is because our solar system gets crap reviews, we only have one star.
My mate has just flunked the RAF exam, seemingly the bomb bay doors isn't an Indian tribute act.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Brilliant 👏Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Thank you. I wish I had come up with it, but it came from my Twitter feed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
I've just got a job for halloween making plastic Draculas, there's only two of us on the production line so I've got to make every second count.
Cpolio apparently choked on a Cornish pasty.
He’s gone to Ginsters paradise.
A golfing couple were having a drink in the 19th Hole after a pleasant round of golf, when the lady asked, "Honey, if something happens to me would you re-marry" . Of course not, he replied. " Well I would want you to be happy". OK, I suppose so. After a thoughtful moment, she said, "would you let her drive my car"? I suppose so, he said. Questions coming quicker, "Would you play golf with her"? I guess so, he responded. Getting a little upset she said, "Would you let her use my clubs"?Before he thought he said, Nope, she is left handed.
Walked past the fridge last night and I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just the Chives talking
Wish me luck in the London Marathon tomorrow. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try beat that but I often get bored and turn the TV over
Warning, don't let the kids read this.
Two priests are in a shower.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
At least that joke meets the "so bad" criteria... :wink:Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
The cashier told me “Strip Down Facing Me”
By the time I realised she meant the debit card, It was too late.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Courtesy of the late, great, Les Dawson....
I bought the wife a new three-piece suite at the weekend. I asked the sales assistant, what she was prepared to take off for cash.........she said everything but my earrings.
What did the cheese say looking at his reflection in the mirror?
Hallo me.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at.
And biology is where you get your rocks off. 😁Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfiembra
"A guy ran past me wearing a cape.. "I shouted Hey man are you a Superhero ? He replied "No man I didn't pay for my Haircut" !
[emoji3104]...[emoji1750]
Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk
If you want a constant supply of bad jokes and puns I suggest you look at Mariana Z on Twitter. I have thought about copying her jokes over a few times, but decided that it's easier to just post a link for anyone who's interested.
https://twitter.com/mariana057/statu...mWqkR5U2w&s=19
Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.
They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.
An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge. "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus." He says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him. "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out. "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out. "Oii whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.....
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says. "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability allowance !
I called Gamblers Anonymous to ask for an appointment. I was offered 12:50.
😄Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibrandenburg
I was going to call the Dementia hotline yesterday, but I couldn't remember the number. :rolleyes:
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman all meet up at the World Cup in Quatar, why was the Scotsman there?
He was a Unionist? :dunno:Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
He was an Arab??Quote:
Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee
:greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
10/10 😀Quote:
Originally Posted by Moulin Yarns
A man's in the ocean and about to drown when a boat passes and the captain said " do you need help" the man said " no, God will save me". Another boat passes and again he's asked if he needs help, the man said again "no, God will save me", the boat sails on. The man finally drowned and went to heaven, there he meets God and he asks him why he didn't save him, God says "I sent you 2 boats ffs you dummy"
Went down to the bank today and the woman behind counter suddenly started singing 'Downtown'.
I thought to myself that's a Peculiar Clerk.
:greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻Quote:
Originally Posted by BS44
I dig that one up every year. It's my favourite Christmas joke.Quote:
Originally Posted by BS44
OK, obviously no one else has the nerve. Could someone explain it to me?Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
🎼You'll go down in history.🎼Quote:
Originally Posted by oneone73
What's the most popular Wine at Christmas?
"Aw, naw, not more Brussel Sprouts!"
:rolleyes:
I bought a Russian advent calendar; every time you open a window an oligarch falls out of it.
Oooft 🤣Quote:
Originally Posted by CropleyWasGod
Went to buy a Xmas tree and the guy said are you putting it up yourself, I said no, I'm putting it in the living room.
It’s been three years since I left my quite frankly terrifying ex who was obsessed with Robbie Williams. In a new relationship now and never been happier.
Helen’s gone and Heather’s here, there’s nothing left for me to fear.
I had a Brexit advent calendar. Every day another door closes.Quote:
Originally Posted by CropleyWasGod
We have a 99 year old man in our darts team so as a surprise we are going to fulfill his wish by spending his century birthday in the Caribbean.
He'll be 100 in Haiti
What's the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate sex party?
One you come as you are, the other you arrrrr as you come.
I went to a club last night. They played The twist, I did the twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out.
Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walks into a bar.
The bartender calls 911 and says, "I'd like to report an attempted murder."
Very good.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Not mine. Mariana Z on Twitter. I took a minute to get it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wilson
Ego and super-ego walk into a bar.
Barman says “Whoa, I’m going to need to see some id “
I found work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone got really surprised when I told them I was actually a doctor.
Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.
Last year I made a plan to sail around the world in the worlds smallest ship but, I bottled it.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar,
followed by Batman…
Took me a minute :not worthQuote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Very good.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
Sent from my SM-G991B using Tapatalk
Took me way longer than thatQuote:
Originally Posted by Alfiembra
Me too, but I was pretty well the worst in my class at Chemistry. :greengrinQuote:
Originally Posted by Jakhog1
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just_Jimmy
Took me a while but finally got it.
Too clever by half.Quote:
Originally Posted by AltheHibby
I was told the eight grannies version and the penny drops quicker.
James Murphy is lying in a London hospital being tended by a nurse. He only has hours to live, so the hospital sends for his family.
His three sons are the first to arrive to see the old boy.
He waves Sean over to his bedside. He says “Sean, I am leaving you all my residential properties in the Mayfair area”. Sean smiles and kisses his dad on the forehead.
He then waves over Mick. He says “Mick, I am leaving you all my residential properties in the South Kensington area”. Mick smiles and kisses his dad.
Next, he waves over Seamus. He says “Seamus, I am leaving you all my office properties in the Oxford Road area”. Seamus smiles and kisses his dad.
The three sons then leave the room and a few minutes later James passes away.
Shortly afterwards, James’s widow arrives and stands at his bedside with a few tears rolling down her cheeks.
The nurse says to her “Mrs Murphy, you husband was a lovely man. He was extraordinarily generous and has provided enormous wealth to each of his sons. You should be very proud of him”.
Mrs Murphy looks at the nurse as if she has lost the plot. She says “I don’t know what you’re talking about, my husband was a window cleaner”.
What if John Lennon had sold his music online? Imagine all the PayPal.
I removed the shells from my racing snails thinking that it would help them go faster, but it only made them more sluggish.
I accidentally took my cat's medication last night.
Don't ask meow.
Ok, not so very smart, but :greengrin
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrrayF1W...pg&name=medium
A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"
The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.
The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!
Q. How many Tories does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they'll just tell you they've done it and the BBC will report on how bright it is.
What's the connection between a w*nk and a 3 putt?
They're both embarrassing but you know you'll do it again.
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors, I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade. I never knew he was a dentist.
They so 'no man is an island'.
Have they never heard of The Isle of Man?
Quote:
Originally Posted by grunt
:greengrin
Sorry bro, but scroll up.Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibbyradge
If that's another really subtle joke then I'm not getting it.
Noddy/An aw day.Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith_M
Ticket