Foster carers

[DH1875]

Are there any foster parents on here? My wife and I are thinking about doing it as our kids have moved out and we are still young and fit enough to do it. Looking for advice as looking online there seems to be hundreds of agencies so not sure where to start or which one to try and go with.
Thanks.

[H18 SFR]

Are there any foster parents on here? My wife and I are thinking about doing it as our kids have moved out and we are still young and fit enough to do it. Looking for advice as looking online there seems to be hundreds of agencies so not sure where to start or which one to try and go with.
Thanks.

We seriously looked into it before the pandemic. We both really enjoy our jobs so wanted to make use of flexible working arrangements to be able to do school runs, attend TAC meetings and LAC reviews etc for the young person we would care for. However, they wanted one of us to give up our career to be a full time carer which was a non starter for us both. We’ve worked really hard to secure promoted posts etc and could easily make use of flexible working to meet the young persons needs 9-5 so to speak. That was the end of it for us sadly.

[DH1875]

That's ashame. Was it through the council or with an agency? Would have thought they would have asked you about giving up your career before having meetings and reviews for a child.
We are just at the start of the process so trying to figure out what to do.

[McD]

Coincidentally, we looked into adopting several years ago, and it was heavily hinted to us that one of us was expected to either give up work, or take a leave for a minimum of a year when the child/children came to us, and when we said that wasn’t really feasible financially but we have a strong family structure around us, we got a few eye rolls and mutters about that not really being good enough.

[Allant1981]

That's ashame. Was it through the council or with an agency? Would have thought they would have asked you about giving up your career before having meetings and reviews for a child.
We are just at the start of the process so trying to figure out what to do.

An ex colleague of mine had to do the same, he gave up work in April and him and his wife still haven't had a kid yet, this was through the council

[H18 SFR]

We went to a council re our enquires.

I work closely with care experienced young people, their carers and wider stakeholders as the young person’s named person.

Post covid, I’d highly recommend an agency rather than a local authority. They are much more efficient and set up to support better in many ways.

The young people needing carers pretty much all have significant trauma nowadays. Just be aware of that as a starting point.

If you in anyway feel that you might struggle setting and maintaining clear boundaries for the young person I’d urge you to reconsider. That is the acid test when things are difficult.

[DH1875]

If you in anyway feel that you might struggle setting and maintaining clear boundaries for the young person I’d urge you to reconsider. That is the acid test when things are difficult.

In what way? Do you mean keeping ourselves from getting emotionally attached or keeping to strict rules like bed time. Can you elaborate please.

[wookie70]

I have two adopted kids and when you adopt the kids are fostered by you until the legal adoption comes through. My wife and I also thought about fostering and completed the relevant course. We decided against it though as on reflection we had our hands full with my daughter. I know quite a few people who foster and the councils completely rip the pee out of them. It is a massively needed profession, the pay is terrible when you consider the hours and you get little appreciation from the council. However, it can be very rewarding and you would be safe in the knowledge that you are likely to effect positive change not just for the kids but for society as a whole.

[DH1875]

Hadn't thought about having to give up work. Spoke with my wife last night and no chance of her giving up her career as she has a good profession and has worked really hard to get where she is at. I could potentially do it but the thought of going 6 months at a time with no income is frightening. Its a shame as when we started talking about it the last thing on our minds was financial gain and trying to make money. Now if we do go ahead its a major concern as like I said, can't go months without any income.

[beensaidbefore]

Given you said you already have children of your own, I thought this might be relevant...

I worked alongside a woman who fostered and something she said sticks in my mind, how you interact with your biological children should mirror how you interact with any placed children. This extends to 'normal' physical contact, ie cuddling, or a kiss on the cheek etc when you meet would possibly need to stop as you shouldn't be doing that with foster children. Not treating them the 'same' could lead to issues about favoritism between biological kids and non biological.

It also extended to what you wear around the house, where you read bedtime stories, sitting on your knee etc. All things that seem natural enough to me with kids, but you need to be very mindful that you don't put yourself in a position where you could be open to accusations etc. Especially where kids could be coming from a background of abuse etc.

Not something I had given much thought to before speaking with my ex colleague.

[H18 SFR]

In what way? Do you mean keeping ourselves from getting emotionally attached or keeping to strict rules like bed time. Can you elaborate please.

Of course, I currently have about 10 or so care experienced young people on my caseload. I am in daily contact with carers of 3 or 4 of them and perhaps weekly contact with 3 or 4 more, so out of the 10, around 8 who are extremely challenging.

It would be typical to have positive behaviour plans and risk assessments in place for care experienced young people. This means that they consistently and regularly display challenging behaviour. As their carer, if you find it difficult to deal with this or will get overwhelmed emotionally when things don’t go to plan I’d seriously consider if this is for you. The young people often really push boundaries to see what they can get away with or perhaps just simply want to be defiant. It can be a really challenging experience for carers.

If you want to PM me, I’d be happy to chat on the phone.

[H18 SFR]

Given you said you already have children of your own, I thought this might be relevant...

I worked alongside a woman who fostered and something she said sticks in my mind, how you interact with your biological children should mirror how you interact with any placed children. This extends to 'normal' physical contact, ie cuddling, or a kiss on the cheek etc when you meet would possibly need to stop as you shouldn't be doing that with foster children. Not treating them the 'same' could lead to issues about favoritism between biological kids and non biological.

It also extended to what you wear around the house, where you read bedtime stories, sitting on your knee etc. All things that seem natural enough to me with kids, but you need to be very mindful that you don't put yourself in a position where you could be open to accusations etc. Especially where kids could be coming from a background of abuse etc.

Not something I had given much thought to before speaking with my ex colleague.

This is what I was partially refrencing when I mentioned trauma earlier In the thread.

[DH1875]

Given you said you already have children of your own, I thought this might be relevant...

I worked alongside a woman who fostered and something she said sticks in my mind, how you interact with your biological children should mirror how you interact with any placed children. This extends to 'normal' physical contact, ie cuddling, or a kiss on the cheek etc when you meet would possibly need to stop as you shouldn't be doing that with foster children. Not treating them the 'same' could lead to issues about favoritism between biological kids and non biological.

It also extended to what you wear around the house, where you read bedtime stories, sitting on your knee etc. All things that seem natural enough to me with kids, but you need to be very mindful that you don't put yourself in a position where you could be open to accusations etc. Especially where kids could be coming from a background of abuse etc.

Not something I had given much thought to before speaking with my ex colleague.

Yeah we figure that there are a lot of rules, regulations, and procedures in place and that we will have to deal with things in certain ways. I would presume a lot of it is covered in interviews, meetings and any training though. I would also think that every case would be different and involve their own challenges and I would think that social workers and/or support staff would be there to keep us right. I don't see there being any issues with short term stays or respite. The only difficulty I can see is if we had a child stay long term and then that child leaving. I can say we won't become attached to them but until that time comes we will never know.

My kids have left home so no need to worry about having favourites.

[Paul1642]

I’m sure you’ve already done your research and are aware of this but be mindful that the child you take on might not be grateful for your help or make things even remotely easy for you.

I have a colleague / friend who fostered a kid several years back and had a horrible time of things. The boy stole from them, skipped school almost every day, constantly failed to return home which required police involvement to return him several times a week. It turned out they were going back to their mothers house constantly as they is where they wanted to be despite social work having removed them for their own safety due to drug misuse in the address.

He was horribly abusive towards the foster parent and also got charged by the police on more than one occasion for various offences and in the end they got put into secure accommodation in a different part of the county.

Of course every kid is different and their age / background will impact how much of an effect you can have on their behaviour.

It’s a role someone has to do and it’s wonderful that people chose to do it but I would fully consider if you are fully prepared for the potential worse case scenarios and in my friends case it took a huge toll on both him, his wife and their relationship.

[Scouse Hibee]

I was brought up with my parents regularly fostering children, we had a mixed bunch over the years, some troubled, some very demanding and some who integrated into our family very well. My own Mum was brought up in an orphanage and I think she always felt she wanted to give children a better life than she had. Both my parents worked though my Mum was a nurse part time only at that time. My memories as a child are of some interesting times, there was one female who really pushed the boundaries especially with walking about half naked or acting provocatively in front of my Dad. As mentioned above some of the behaviour even then could leave you vulnerable to accusations.