Family estrangement

[Hibernia&Alba]

For the first time in my life I am experiencing a rift in the family. Specifically, it's with my sister. Our dad died unexpectedly late last year, and, having previously been close, my sister and I are experiencing a breakdown in our relationship. Everything I say or do is wrong. To be honest, it's become toxic between us. I know we all react differently to bereavement and that family squabbles are not rare following the death of the head of the family, but I've reached breaking point. Basically, I'm being accused of wanting to be sole executor of dad's estate in order to steal from my two siblings. The craziness has gone too far. My sister is now sole executor, by the way, after I relinquished the position, in order to keep the peace.

Have any of you experienced family fallings out? I just want to keep the peace - I hate conflict - but feel my position has become impossible. Obviously, there are two sides to every story and my sister would give a different account, I'm sure. However, I can't tolerate her behaviour any longer.

Any advice about family issues based upon personal experience would be appreciated.

[DaveF]

I've no experience of it but if it's become so toxic that simple conversation is difficult, then perhaps try some family mediation counselling? Easier said that done and both parties would have to be willing participants but it seems like a neutral middleman is what is needed.

[JimBHibees]

For the first time in my life I am experiencing a rift in the family. Specifically, it's with my sister. Our dad died unexpectedly late last year, and, having previously been close, my sister and I are experiencing a breakdown in our relationship. Everything I say or do is wrong. To be honest, it's become toxic between us. I know we all react differently to bereavement and that family squabbles are not rare following the death of the head of the family, but I've reached breaking point. Basically, I'm being accused of wanting to be sole executor of dad's estate in order to steal from my two siblings. The craziness has gone too far. My sister is now sole executor, by the way, after I relinquished the position, in order to keep the peace.

Have any of you experienced family fallings out? I just want to keep the peace - I hate conflict - but feel my position has become impossible. Obviously, there are two sides to every story and my sister would give a different account, I'm sure. However, I can't tolerate her behaviour any longer.

Any advice about family issues based upon personal experience would be appreciated.

Would you not have been able to be joint executors? Seems a little unusual your sisters behaviour if you had been close before. Is she maybe being wound up by others?

[Bostonhibby]

Would you not have been able to be joint executors? Seems a little unusual your sisters behaviour if you had been close before. Is she maybe being wound up by others?I'm aware of very similar experiences and joint executors was felt to be the natural solution (not having a direct family member and or beneficiaries as executors made even more sense).

When the issues started to emerge it was suggested that a family lawyer take over the role so that the deceased's wishes could be acted upon properly and naturally. One party readily agreed, the others hand was forced and it turned out to be all about money and people behind the scenes influencing them, not a great time.

I wish the OP well, hopefully sense and integrity prevail and there's better times ahead.

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[Pretty Boy]

It's a bit old fashioned maybe but have you considered writing her a letter?

Sometimes it's difficult to really express what you want to say in conversation, particularly when someone is angry, grief stricken, frustrated etc etc. Regardless of how much you agree to let each side have their say there is always interruption or counter argument. Getting your thoughts down on paper is a good way to really articulate what you want to say, reiterate that you love you sister and are willing to listen to her point of view but also be clear on your own feelings and position.

There was a family feud on my dads side that cast a shadow over my childhood and teen years and meant I never really knew one set of my grandparents. The other side of my family more than stepped up to the plate but the issue was there. I've always tried to tackle any issues head on since as I really have no desire for any resentment to grow through an inability or unwillingness to resolve things before they spiral.

Good luck.

[easty]

My youngest brother and I barely spoke for years, and there was very little to it to be honest. He'd been staying with me after his relationship broke up for a while, and the only issue we had at that time was me asking him not to smoke weed in the house.

A while after he'd moved out, I had him and my mum round for dinner. He asked what I was making, and I told him (it was some kind of pork belly stew thing). It had peppers in it too. He said "why put peppers in it, they taste like nothing", and I said thats fine you don't have to eat the peppers.

Fast forward an hour or so after dinner...he's pulled up some google story about peppers being tasteless. I just laughed and said dinner was ages ago, get over it.

He stood up, pointed at me and said "I'm fed up of your ****, I've only been putting up with you for years for mums sake" and stormed out.

That happened about 10 years ago. He's a bit of a loner nowadays, but he seems happy that way so it's fine. We don't contact each other much, but we're perfectly civil when we're around each other. I invited him to mines for christmas dinner last year and was surprised he came...I didn't serve any peppers! :greengrin

[Hibs4185]

I haven’t spoken to my sister for 8 years.

My mum and I want nothing to do with her. Occasionally I feel a bit sad but then I remember what she’s done to us.

Nothing in a bad way but she’s incredibly snobby and treats us like *hit. Lives in morningside but can’t afford to have a nice life because she’s too busy being a posh morningside cow.

It can be brutal especially when money is involved but in this instance it sounds like your sister has more motivation to ensure she gets ‘what’s hers’.

Stand your ground and get good advice. I can recommend a good family law solicitor if needs be!

[pollution]

After the death of a parent who leaves an estate, some members of the family are often influenced by what their partners think should happen.

Outside pressure like this can be intolerable, but personally I would have suggested a solicitor to act as executor if there is a sizeable amount to be inherited.
It can be expensive to do this but at least it is in the hands of a professional ie non family member.

If the estate is more modest then I think you did the right thing in letting your sister deal with it, as long as you are happy with the division of the will ie you get what you are due
according to the terms of the will.

Good luck !

[overdrive]

I'm aware of very similar experiences and joint executors was felt to be the natural solution (not having a direct family member and or beneficiaries as executors made even more sense).

When the issues started to emerge it was suggested that a family lawyer take over the role so that the deceased's wishes could be acted upon properly and naturally. One party readily agreed, the others hand was forced and it turned out to be all about money and people behind the scenes influencing them, not a great time.

I wish the OP well, hopefully sense and integrity prevail and there's better times ahead.

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It does from the sense of family members potentially falling out or not but it can sometimes pass the burden of managing these disagreements onto the third party who is the executor. My mum's best friend asked me to be her executor. She had no children and her beneficiaries were her nieces and nephews on both her side (who she did not trust) and her late husband's side (who she did trust). I ended up getting a lot of grief from her biological nieces and nephews (and their dad - her brother - who wasn't a beneficiary) when she died, so much I ended up having quite a bad panic attack over it.

[wookie70]

Not unusual in my experience. My wife fell out with her brother's family as they took over everything when her Dad died. My mum found out she would only inherit 1/4 rather than a 1/2 of her parents' property as my uncle was part owner of a property unbeknown to her. Fortunately time was a healer and I think that those that are grieving already feel cheated by losing out on someone they loved and that feeling then consumes them. Hope it all gets sorted for you soon. For balance I had a great experience with my brother when my dad went downhill and then died. He lives in England so we decided that I would do the practical stuff and he would deal with all the paperwork and sorting cash that could be completed from afar. We never had a crossed word so it can be done amicably.

[Hibernia&Alba]

Would you not have been able to be joint executors? Seems a little unusual your sisters behaviour if you had been close before. Is she maybe being wound up by others?

Yes, you can, but only via mail. You can only do the online process, which is so much easier and faster, with a sole executor. In the days following dad's death I was dealing with his affairs, contacting his bank etc. Probate was another thing to be done, so I completed the online process, thinking nothing of it, and wanting to sort everything out as quickly as possible. Being the eldest, I thought it was my place to ensure everything got done. A couple of days later my sister says she isn't happy with it - alarm bells immediately start ringing. She's never doubted me before, so what is this? She then launches an official objection to my being executor. That was enough; had she just asked me to cancel the probate application, I would have. So I cancelled it anyway and said I was happy for her to do it.

She's been a **** for six months now. Finally, the nub of the issue is revealed: she thinks I wanted to get all dad's estate then invite her and my brother to sue me for their share i.e. steal from them. :confused:. The trust has gone.

Thanks for all the replies, there are some good suggestions there. Pretty Boy, I did send her an e-mail a few months back, holding out the opportunity of a fresh start, but it hasn't worked. I could try a letter, as you say, as that was a while ago. Family mediation might be an option too.

Like I say, you are only getting my side here. However, if I've made mistakes in the period following dad's death, they were honest ones. My emotions were all over the place (still are, with all the stress) and I haven't been my usual self. But theft from my own family as a goal?? I've never broken the law in my life. It's going to be hard to get past that.

[Bostonhibby]

Yes, you can, but only via mail. You can only do the online process, which is so much easier and faster, with a sole executor. In the days following dad's death I was dealing with his affairs, contacting his bank etc. Probate was another thing to be done, so I completed the online process, thinking nothing of it, and wanting to sort everything out as quickly as possible. Being the eldest, I thought it was my place to ensure everything got done. A couple of days later my sister says she isn't happy with it - alarm bells immediately start ringing. She's never doubted me before, so what is this? She then launches an official objection to my being executor. That was enough; had she just asked me to cancel the probate application, I would have. So I cancelled it anyway and said I was happy for her to do it.

She's been a **** for six months now. Finally, the nub of the issue is revealed: she thinks I wanted to get all dad's estate then invite her and my brother to sue me for their share i.e. steal from them. :confused:. The trust has gone.

Thanks for all the replies, there are some good suggestions there. Pretty Boy, I did send her an e-mail a few months back, holding out the opportunity of a fresh start, but it hasn't worked. I could try a letter, as you say, as that was a while ago. Family mediation might be an option too.

Like I say, you are only getting my side here. However, if I've made mistakes in the period following dad's death, they were honest ones. My emotions were all over the place (still are, with all the stress) and I haven't been my usual self. But theft from my own family as a goal?? I've never broken the law in my life. It's going to be hard to get past that.I can identify with a lot of what you have experienced, especially the horrible suggestion about your motives.

Significant that you honourably dealt with all of the things that had to be done before your father sadly died but are subsequently challenged on flimsy, or no evidence of what they think you might do. Sad.

Depending on the economics of the situation it might be worth insisting on a family solicitor fairly and independently executing and distributing the estate? Why would the others not agree?



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[McD]

For the first time in my life I am experiencing a rift in the family. Specifically, it's with my sister. Our dad died unexpectedly late last year, and, having previously been close, my sister and I are experiencing a breakdown in our relationship. Everything I say or do is wrong. To be honest, it's become toxic between us. I know we all react differently to bereavement and that family squabbles are not rare following the death of the head of the family, but I've reached breaking point. Basically, I'm being accused of wanting to be sole executor of dad's estate in order to steal from my two siblings. The craziness has gone too far. My sister is now sole executor, by the way, after I relinquished the position, in order to keep the peace.

Have any of you experienced family fallings out? I just want to keep the peace - I hate conflict - but feel my position has become impossible. Obviously, there are two sides to every story and my sister would give a different account, I'm sure. However, I can't tolerate her behaviour any longer.

Any advice about family issues based upon personal experience would be appreciated.


sorry for your loss mate, both with your Dad passing and the damage to your relationship with your sister.

a good friend of mine suffered from family behaviour when both his parents passed away separately. With his Dad, he got to his Dad’s home later that day and found it had been ransacked by his father’s siblings, looking for money. Drawers literally tipped out, furniture slashed. When his Mum passed away, he had been especially close to her out of him and his brothers, both of whom were great and wonderfully supportive even during their own grief, however he had aunts and cousins phoning, emailing and banging at his door demanding that he hand out his Mum’s jewellery, some of this even before the funeral. He ended up speaking to a minister friend of his Mum, who advised him that he was the one to choose when these items were distributed, and if he wanted to put them in a bag at the back of a wardrobe until he was ready to let them go, then he should do that.


I know family bereavements badly damaged my Dad’s family when he was a child, which were never reconciled.


I hope you find some peace with all of this.

[Mon Dieu4]

More common that you might think, one of my Dads brothers was the exact same, allegedly didn't trust my Dad(who incedently worked for the Police at the time) to be Executor even though him and my mum were the ones who looked after two OAPs with Alzheimer's for the best part of 10 years while he showed up once a year if they were lucky

He actually told my Dad that it was fine for him as he owned his own house and he had nothing and this would be his nest egg(probably due to never working a day in his life)

We knew as soon as he was allowed in the house he'd be taking all the expensive things like my Nanas rings etc, thankfully my Mum grabbed these early so they could go to my niece and my ******** uncles daughter before they were pawned, all I wanted was my Grandads snooker cue and WW2 binoculars as they held real sentimental value to me

When it came to selling the house there were two bidders within £500 of each other, my Dad wanted to sell it to the lower of the two which was a young couple with a new born, he liked the idea of it being a family home again and I know for a fact that's exactly what my Nana and Grandad would have wanted, but ******** said he wanted the highest bid possible which would work out at about an extra £80 for him when all was said and done

he had burned his bridges well before all that but my Dad kept the peace for his folks sake, but once the estate was wound up then no one has spoken to him since, sad in some ways but there is zero loss in removing toxic people from your life as hard as it may seem

Hope it all works out for you

[Hibernia&Alba]

I haven’t spoken to my sister for 8 years.

My mum and I want nothing to do with her. Occasionally I feel a bit sad but then I remember what she’s done to us.

Nothing in a bad way but she’s incredibly snobby and treats us like *hit. Lives in morningside but can’t afford to have a nice life because she’s too busy being a posh morningside cow.

It can be brutal especially when money is involved but in this instance it sounds like your sister has more motivation to ensure she gets ‘what’s hers’.

Stand your ground and get good advice. I can recommend a good family law solicitor if needs be!

I'm sorry to hear that, mate. I don't want to pry into your business, but I can honestly say that 95 per cent of the animosity between us since dad died has come from her and my brother-in-law. I've tried to keep the peace, but occasionally my temper has been stretched too far and I've responded in kind. Where the lunacy of her belief in my wanting to rob her and my brother of their inheritance has come from I cannot say. Whether it's from the influence of my brother-in-law I don't know, but it's really out of leftfield. I have tried to write it off as being due her grief: she was always a daddy's girl and I understand that she is also experiencing the emotional tumult that grief can bring. Bereavement can send us nuts for for a while. However, there is only so much one can take.

[Peanut Shaz]

A close friend of mine is going through something similar at the moment. Her Dad died a year ago next week and since then her Brother has been an absolute dick, issues over the Dad's will, thinks he's being hard done by and treated unfairly. Lawyer says differently and everything is correct and as it should be. Property involved, which is the crux of the issue. Thing is the Mum is still alive and has inherited everything from the Dad anyway. He's already planning what he's going to do when she passes. He talks to them both like *hit and is noticeable by his absence day to day. It has caused lots of bad feeling with my friend going out her way to avoid him. Absolutely no need for it, just greed and jealously causing non existent issues.

Also my other half fell out with his folks and his Sister, never spoke for over 20 years. Again a will was involved (as well as the fact he'd married a Catholic!). His Dad certainly not the type to have a sensible discussion to resolve things. All so needless. Money is indeed the root of all evil.

[JimBHibees]

It's a bit old fashioned maybe but have you considered writing her a letter?

Sometimes it's difficult to really express what you want to say in conversation, particularly when someone is angry, grief stricken, frustrated etc etc. Regardless of how much you agree to let each side have their say there is always interruption or counter argument. Getting your thoughts down on paper is a good way to really articulate what you want to say, reiterate that you love you sister and are willing to listen to her point of view but also be clear on your own feelings and position.

There was a family feud on my dads side that cast a shadow over my childhood and teen years and meant I never really knew one set of my grandparents. The other side of my family more than stepped up to the plate but the issue was there. I've always tried to tackle any issues head on since as I really have no desire for any resentment to grow through an inability or unwillingness to resolve things before they spiral.

Good luck.

Think a letter is a sensible approach tries to take out the emotion of a difficult face to face conversation. Certainly worth trying I would have thought.

[JimBHibees]

sorry for your loss mate, both with your Dad passing and the damage to your relationship with your sister.

a good friend of mine suffered from family behaviour when both his parents passed away separately. With his Dad, he got to his Dad’s home later that day and found it had been ransacked by his father’s siblings, looking for money. Drawers literally tipped out, furniture slashed. When his Mum passed away, he had been especially close to her out of him and his brothers, both of whom were great and wonderfully supportive even during their own grief, however he had aunts and cousins phoning, emailing and banging at his door demanding that he hand out his Mum’s jewellery, some of this even before the funeral. He ended up speaking to a minister friend of his Mum, who advised him that he was the one to choose when these items were distributed, and if he wanted to put them in a bag at the back of a wardrobe until he was ready to let them go, then he should do that.


I know family bereavements badly damaged my Dad’s family when he was a child, which were never reconciled.


I hope you find some peace with all of this.

Wow ransacked his house. Some people really are terrible.

[WeeRussell]

Definitely more common than people think. I’ve learned over the last few years that bad people are bad people and I don’t give them a pass due to being family these days.

I now have family members (not immediate like your case but for my dad it is) who I won’t ever speak to (not nicely anyway) and will not be at their funerals. They are no longer family in my mind.

May seem blunt and harsh but I’ve told myself throughout that I’ll remain honest with myself and others involved about it.. I’d now feel hypocritical and going against my principals if I gave them the time of day.

That’s not advice though. Each situation is different and there will be ways for you to make your peace if you want it, I’m sure. You couldn’t be blamed for getting tired of being the only one making the effort though while being accused of all sorts.

One suggestion from me..is there a husband involved that you may or may not have had reservations with in the past? In my case a manipulative and verging on psychopathic husband was the biggest contributing factor when it came to estates and wills etc.

[Skol]

Think a letter is a sensible approach tries to take out the emotion of a difficult face to face conversation. Certainly worth trying I would have thought.

We have a situation going on where one party will only communicate in writing. This method of communication is a big part of the problem when things could be resolved by an amicable chat. Sadly there is no prospect of that.

[stu in nottingham]

For the first time in my life I am experiencing a rift in the family. Specifically, it's with my sister. Our dad died unexpectedly late last year, and, having previously been close, my sister and I are experiencing a breakdown in our relationship. Everything I say or do is wrong. To be honest, it's become toxic between us. I know we all react differently to bereavement and that family squabbles are not rare following the death of the head of the family, but I've reached breaking point. Basically, I'm being accused of wanting to be sole executor of dad's estate in order to steal from my two siblings. The craziness has gone too far. My sister is now sole executor, by the way, after I relinquished the position, in order to keep the peace.

Have any of you experienced family fallings out? I just want to keep the peace - I hate conflict - but feel my position has become impossible. Obviously, there are two sides to every story and my sister would give a different account, I'm sure. However, I can't tolerate her behaviour any longer.

Any advice about family issues based upon personal experience would be appreciated.

Must be so difficult and upsetting for you mate. Maybe at this time it feels that it will be an impossible task to find a way back for you and your sister. However, with time and reflection, it can be surprising what can be achieved. Sometimes it means finding acceptance and forgiveness of poor and hurtful behaviour as seems the case here. Of course, not an easy thing to do but sometimes the worth of your relationship can mean more, in time.

For completely different reasons, my older sister and I stopped talking for a period of over five years. I never shared the same values, politics or the way she see's the world.She is quite racialist, ignorant and of right wing views. Crucially, with her being almost ten years older, I always felt spoken down to due to her being the older sibling and always being 'right', in spite of her education and life experiences being narrow.

We were having lunch out together one day and I finally snapped. It was over relationship stuff for what it's worth,with her criticising a relationship I'd been in. I warned her twice and she paid no heed and carried on and I finally walked out and left her sitting there. I felt a sense of relief and of escaping something I couldn't tolerate any more. The only contact between us became birthday and Christmas cards. Neither of us are young and I reconciled to not seeing ever again before one of us died.

Her cards would often say how much she still loved me, although nothing had apparently changed. After five and a half years I received one of these cards and realised she was completely incapable of apologising, reflecting on or questioning her own behaviour as part of the problem. I realised she just didn't have the words or ability to do these things and tried to find acceptance of that. I realised that I was the one who did have that ability and called her.

Since that time we speak on the phone from time to time. I've no reason to imagine that things are different but it doesn't matter, we speak and are on decent terms.

I'm not sure if this strikes a chord with you my friend but from what you say, it seems to me that you are sensitive to these things and it is completely within your abillities too to do similar when the time is right. I hope you do and I wish you well with it buddy.

[McD]

Wow ransacked his house. Some people really are terrible.


yes, sadly they are. These were immediate family members of his Dad, hadn’t even been gone 12 hours, and their priority was greed.

i can’t even comprehend what goes through someone’s head like that.

[Pagan Hibernia]

Because of a huge conflict in my family after my uncle’s suicide in 1998 I lost all contact with my six cousins for 25 years. I was just a teenager at the time, as were they, and we had been close. it was a horrible, toxic situation between the older generation of our family and nothing to do with me and my cousins but the rift remained for two and a half decades.

in the last year I’ve made contact with them through social media. Bridges have been built.

Hibernia&Alba, I don’t know what to tell you, I hope you and your sister work things out. Time can heal all wounds - hopefully you don’t have to wait 25 years though..

[GRA]

I haven't spoken to my brother in 3 and a half years. He's always been the narcissistic, pathological liar type who could cause an argument in an empty room. I tolerated it for many years, just wanted him to change as he is clearly in a lot of (self-inflicted) mental pain, but it just came to the point where enough was enough and a few home truths needed to be said.

Never say never but I can't see myself reconciling with him in the near future any time soon. They say blood is thicker than water but you can't spend your whole life attempting to change someone who will never listen. My life is much better not having to deal with the unnecessary drama.

[MKHIBEE]

My father in law is 92 and has lived with us for 3 years. It was that or go into a care home. He sold his flat which was over 1/4 of a million. My wife’s stepsister then declared that she was going to be the sole executor of the will as it “would save money”. The stepmother, now deceased, had made sure the will favoured the stepsisters and their children, completely omitting my wife’s son and her half sister. The outcome was that a new will was made with equal amounts for all four sisters and the solicitor would be the executor. I’m dreading the ****storm that will happen when the father in law passes but it is what is is. I hope the OP and his family are able to sort thing out between themselves and heal the rift but, unfortunately, situations like this are fairly common

[WeeRussell]

Nearly 2 years on since two of my grandparents (married together) passed and still seemingly at least months away from having their estates settled, due to multiple people trying to take what was never theirs to receive.

It’s astounding how money can show people in their true light at times when family should be there for each other more than ever.

[Skol]

100% inheritance tax would solve theses issues and many more to boot.

[WeeRussell]

100% inheritance tax would solve theses issues and many more to boot.

No it wouldn’t.

[Since90+2]

100% inheritance tax would solve theses issues and many more to boot.

Would probably make things worse, IMO, as money arguements would come into play whilst elderly relatives were still around.

[Jones28]

100% inheritance tax would solve theses issues and many more to boot.

So no one gets to leave a legacy for their kids and grandkids?

[Smartie]

So no one gets to leave a legacy for their kids and grandkids?

A true meritocracy, reducing the advantages and disadvantages experienced simply by being born in the right / wrong place?

I had quite an interesting conversation with a guy about this a few weeks ago, I'd never really given it much thought but he was very into it. By the end I'd say he'd all but won me over - in principle. The realities of implementation would render it almost impossible, however.

Inheritance tax is highly unpopular, second only to council tax in the unpopularity stakes. Where it differs greatly to other taxes is that the vast majority of the people who object to it will never have to pay it. It just feels unjust and wrong.

[grunt]

A true meritocracy, reducing the advantages and disadvantages experienced simply by being born in the right / wrong place?Meritocracy has nothing whatsoever to do with inheritance tax.

[Bristolhibby]

Meritocracy has nothing whatsoever to do with inheritance tax.

I sort of see his point. If everything is reset when you die, it incentivises people to spend / give away money while they are alive. No point hanging onto it if the taxman is just going to get it all.

Will stop fighting over dead peoples possessions as it will be the will of the person alive to determine who gets what if anything while they are alive.

An interesting thought.

J

[grunt]

I sort of see his point. If everything is reset when you die, it incentivises people to spend / give away money while they are alive. No point hanging onto it if the taxman is just going to get it all.
Two twin brothers, same job, same income. Both married with children.

One twin brother goes on expensive holidays, goes out to the pub every weekend, spends all his money as soon as he gets it.

Second twin brother saves, spends frugally, holidays infrequently in order to pass on his wealth to his children. This brother has IHT problems.

Where's the merit?

[Onceinawhile]

Two twin brothers, same job, same income. Both married with children.

One twin brother goes on expensive holidays, goes out to the pub every weekend, spends all his money as soon as he gets it.

Second twin brother saves, spends frugally, holidays infrequently in order to pass on his wealth to his children. This brother has IHT problems.

Where's the merit?

One helps the economy, the other doesn't.

[grunt]

One helps the economy, the other doesn't.

So now we have to arrange our private lives to feed the economy? What are we, China?

[Jones28]

A true meritocracy, reducing the advantages and disadvantages experienced simply by being born in the right / wrong place?

I had quite an interesting conversation with a guy about this a few weeks ago, I'd never really given it much thought but he was very into it. By the end I'd say he'd all but won me over - in principle. The realities of implementation would render it almost impossible, however.

Inheritance tax is highly unpopular, second only to council tax in the unpopularity stakes. Where it differs greatly to other taxes is that the vast majority of the people who object to it will never have to pay it. It just feels unjust and wrong.

It's an interesting concept.

How would it work then? Would everyone receive a pot of money on their 16th birthday or something or does everyone start from 0?

[LewysGot2]

The few people I know who have left anything in wills for kin folk have done it through doing without themselves because they wanted to give their children a better chance in life than they had. I’m not talking multimillionaire stuff, just ordinary folk who “did the right thing” had a work ethic and saved. The aspirational angle for them was wanting to go to their grave with a wee bit pride and honour. That they’d made something of themselves from humble backgrounds. I’ve no experience of anything else though…

You can’t change what people choose to do with their own money or estate - everyone hopes for fairness but that isn’t always keeping everyone the same. Getting a clear, simple will is important. Shared executorship is important, I’d say.

There’s many ways people influence and get favour from parents over a lifetime. You cannot account for lack of integrity, greed, selfishness…but a fair, solid will without complications might help.

Times like the ones described show people for who they really are- sadly, when people show you, believe them.

[Colr]

A true meritocracy, reducing the advantages and disadvantages experienced simply by being born in the right / wrong place?

I had quite an interesting conversation with a guy about this a few weeks ago, I'd never really given it much thought but he was very into it. By the end I'd say he'd all but won me over - in principle. The realities of implementation would render it almost impossible, however.

Inheritance tax is highly unpopular, second only to council tax in the unpopularity stakes. Where it differs greatly to other taxes is that the vast majority of the people who object to it will never have to pay it. It just feels unjust and wrong.

The press and the Tories keep telling us how unpopular inheritance tax is but, given most of is will not pay it, you might conclude they had a vested interest in peddling this line (this is when they’re not busy lying about the benefits of brexit to the common man whilst not mentioning their hedge fund mates)

[JeMeSouviens]

Two twin brothers, same job, same income. Both married with children.

One twin brother goes on expensive holidays, goes out to the pub every weekend, spends all his money as soon as he gets it.

Second twin brother saves, spends frugally, holidays infrequently in order to pass on his wealth to his children. This brother has IHT problems.

Where's the merit?

The point is that the children of frugal twin B have an advantage over those of profligate twin A, through no merit of their own. Perhaps twin B's kids get private school and a tutor to get them through exams and into a job they actually have less ability to do than twin A's kids. That may, in turn, influence the life chances of their kids and so on. Inherited wealth, status (see under Family, Royal) and nepotistical advantages (see under Cabinet, Tory) can lead to a poorer outcome for society as a whole in the longer run.

[grunt]

The point is that the children of frugal twin B have an advantage over those of profligate twin A, through no merit of their own. Perhaps twin B's kids get private school and a tutor to get them through exams and into a job they actually have less ability to do than twin A's kids. That may, in turn, influence the life chances of their kids and so on. Inherited wealth, status (see under Family, Royal) and nepotistical advantages (see under Cabinet, Tory) can lead to a poorer outcome for society as a whole in the longer run.
Thank you for replying. You appear to be advocating some sort of communist society?

[JeMeSouviens]

Thank you for replying. You appear to be advocating some sort of communist society?

Not personally. It's basic human instinct to try and look out for and provide for your family. I think there's probably a sensible middle ground. I was just outlining the argument you seemed to be missing.

[grunt]

Not personally. It's basic human instinct to try and look out for and provide for your family. I think there's probably a sensible middle ground. I was just outlining the argument you seemed to be missing.:aok: