"Coming out"

[Stranraer]

Been struggling with my sexuality for some years and now I've met someone I really like. Any .netters with experience of coming out or considering it? Not an easy thing to talk about I know but just wondered how folk would react to me being bisexual?

[Mon Dieu4]

Would imagine and hope that the vast majority of people would just want you to be happy, I don't have any personal experience of it but my best mate came out and 99% of people have been brand new about it

I think that understandably people can get pent up with the fear of how others will react but in my experience most people have too much going on in their own lives to worry about who or what others get up to in their private life

Hope it all goes well for you

[Peevemor]

Just do your thing and don't worry about anyone else. Tell the people closest to you then just get on with it.

[Captain Trips]

There shouldn't be a "coming out" the only reason there is are some folk have an issue with it in life.

Do what's right for you not what others think is right for you.

[Scouse Hibee]

Been struggling with my sexuality for some years and now I've met someone I really like. Any .netters with experience of coming out or considering it? Not an easy thing to talk about I know but just wondered how folk would react to me being bisexual?


Don't think of it as "coming out" treat it more like finally plucking up the courage to ask that person you like to go out. The term "coming out" should be consigned to the history books along with other ridiculous old fashioned sayings. Hope all go well for you with your new romance if that is what it turns out to be.

[Sylar]

Congratulations on meeting someone that you share some kind of affinity of with.

What happens to be below their waist is utterly, utterly irrelevant.

If people can't "cope" with your discovery, that's on them (and they're probably not worth keeping around - your happiness is all that matters!).

[Hibernia&Alba]

I don't have any experience of this kind of situation, but society has moved on enormously in the past couple of decades. Younger people are much more socially liberal than was once the case.

Do your parents know? If not, I'm sure they will love you just the same, and the same applies to the rest of your family. Ultimately their opinion is the most important; what others think isn't your problem. Some friends might find it a bit 'awkward' or hard to discuss at first, I'm guessing, but I'm sure it would quickly become irrelevant.


All families are different, and some won't be as accepting, but, ultimately you know best how they will react and how you need to approach the subject. You can only be honest and know you have a right to be happy. :aok:

[McSwanky]

Just do your thing and don't worry about anyone else. Tell the people closest to you then just get on with it.Very well put! Absolutely agree.

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[ScotchCorner]

Anyone who has a problem with someone else’s sexuality clearly has something deeply wrong inside of them and deserves to be alone and isolated.

Don’t see why there is still this need for people to “come out” as well, anyone who cares will find out for themselves and quite frankly it’s nobody else’s business anyway.


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[bigwheel]

Been struggling with my sexuality for some years and now I've met someone I really like. Any .netters with experience of coming out or considering it? Not an easy thing to talk about I know but just wondered how folk would react to me being bisexual?


good on you buddy...be happy and comfortable in your own skin...wish you all the best...

[Stranraer]

I don't have any experience of this kind of situation, but society has moved on enormously in the past couple of decades. Younger people are much more socially liberal than was once the case.

Do your parents know? If not, I'm sure they will love you just the same, and the same applies to the rest of your family. Ultimately their opinion is the most important; what others think isn't your problem. Some friends might find it a bit 'awkward' or hard to discuss at first, I'm guessing, but I'm sure it would quickly become irrelevant.


All families are different, and some won't be as accepting, but, ultimately you know best how they will react and how you need to approach the subject. You can only be honest and know you have a right to be happy. :aok:


My mum passed away last year but my Dad keeps saying "you need to find a girl and settle down". I don't think he'd be too happy that the person I like right now happens to be a guy.

[Stranraer]

thank you everyone for the positive reaction. Was thinking about posting this for a while and now I'm glad I did it. There really are some great people on .net

[calumhibee1]

Good luck mate. I’ve no experience of this kind of thing myself but I know a couple of gay guys and I can genuinely say I’ve never seen anyone be out of order with them. As someone else said, nearly everyone has things going on in their own life that will make your sexuality pretty irrelevant.

Hope all goes well for you.

[Lucky_Jim]

I ummed and erred about replying to this thread but concluded that the more messages of support and encouragement Stranraer gets the better.

I struggled with my sexuality and felt quite uncomfortable in my own skin for years as a young man, especially given the very 'straight' world I inhabited; including by the way, being a football fan and surrounded by a general culture of homophobic attitudes and 'banter'. I remained firmly 'in the closet' through my largely unhappy Uni years and for a few years after.

Things changed in my early 20s, though, when I met a guy who went on to become my partner for 12 years and for the first time in my life I felt truly happy and comfortable with who I am. Even still, I made a bit of a botched job of 'coming out' cos I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I did though eventually tell my family and friends found out one way or another. I can say with absolute sincerity that every single one of them was nothing other than supportive, loving and total unfussed about me being gay.

Ultimately, Stranraer, my experience taught me that all your friends and family want for you is happiness - if that comes by being with a man or woman it matters not a bit. I've also found that social attitudes and predjudices have changed enormously for the better in recent years. As all the other posters have said, someone's sexuality really doesn't bother most people these days - and certainly not the people who are worth listening to.

For what it is worth, Stranraer, my advice is to follow your heart and feel comfortable and confident in who you are. I think - and hope - you'll be pleasantly surprised by the reaction - or actually lack of - and will ultimately feel a lot happier.

Good luck mate.

[Hibernia&Alba]

My mum passed away last year but my Dad keeps saying "you need to find a girl and settle down". I don't think he'd be too happy that the person I like right now happens to be a guy.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Perhaps your dad might be more accepting than you think, given the circumstances, but you know best. It's for you to decide who should know, but, remember, you shouldn't have to feel you must live a lie. When the time feels right you can speak to your dad. I'm sure he would respect the courage required to speak about it.

[Hibernia&Alba]

I ummed and erred about replying to this thread but concluded that the more messages of support and encouragement Stranraer gets the better.

I struggled with my sexuality and felt quite uncomfortable in my own skin for years as a young man, especially given the very 'straight' world I inhabited; including by the way, being a football fan and surrounded by a general culture of homophobic attitudes and 'banter'. I remained firmly 'in the closet' through my largely unhappy Uni years and for a few years after.

Things changed in my early 20s, though, when I met a guy who went on to become my partner for 12 years and for the first time in my life I felt truly happy and comfortable with who I am. Even still, I made a bit of a botched job of 'coming out' cos I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I did though eventually tell my family and friends found out one way or another. I can say with absolute sincerity that every single one of them was nothing other than supportive, loving and total unfussed about me being gay.

Ultimately, Stranraer, my experience taught me that all your friends and family want for you is happiness - if that comes by being with a man or woman it matters not a bit. I've also found that social attitudes and predjudices have changed enormously for the better in recent years. As all the other posters have said, someone's sexuality really doesn't bother most people these days - and certainly not the people who are worth listening to.

For what it is worth, Stranraer, my advice is to follow your heart and feel comfortable and confident in who you are. I think - and hope - you'll be pleasantly surprised by the reaction - or actually lack of - and will ultimately feel a lot happier.

Good luck mate.

Great post, Jim :aok:

[danhibees1875]

I ummed and erred about replying to this thread but concluded that the more messages of support and encouragement Stranraer gets the better.

I struggled with my sexuality and felt quite uncomfortable in my own skin for years as a young man, especially given the very 'straight' world I inhabited; including by the way, being a football fan and surrounded by a general culture of homophobic attitudes and 'banter'. I remained firmly 'in the closet' through my largely unhappy Uni years and for a few years after.

Things changed in my early 20s, though, when I met a guy who went on to become my partner for 12 years and for the first time in my life I felt truly happy and comfortable with who I am. Even still, I made a bit of a botched job of 'coming out' cos I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I did though eventually tell my family and friends found out one way or another. I can say with absolute sincerity that every single one of them was nothing other than supportive, loving and total unfussed about me being gay.

Ultimately, Stranraer, my experience taught me that all your friends and family want for you is happiness - if that comes by being with a man or woman it matters not a bit. I've also found that social attitudes and predjudices have changed enormously for the better in recent years. As all the other posters have said, someone's sexuality really doesn't bother most people these days - and certainly not the people who are worth listening to.

For what it is worth, Stranraer, my advice is to follow your heart and feel comfortable and confident in who you are. I think - and hope - you'll be pleasantly surprised by the reaction - or actually lack of - and will ultimately feel a lot happier.

Good luck mate.

Good post - that is exactly how I would expect news to be taken in the 21st century. :aok:

[Hibrandenburg]

Anyone who has a problem with it is the problem. Live your life how you see fit and **** those who have a problem with it.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

**** those who have a problem with it.

I doubt that'll be too easy. :-)

[oldbutdim]

Been struggling with my sexuality for some years and now I've met someone I really like. Any .netters with experience of coming out or considering it? Not an easy thing to talk about I know but just wondered how folk would react to me being bisexual?

What?

I really can't believe I'm reading this tonight after a trip to Berwick where I'd enjoyed myself.
Your post is a disgrace. It's upsetting, it's shocking, and it's downright disgusting. You should be ashamed of your behaviour.





Three ****** years you've shared my bed and now you tell everyone you have found some ****** GIRL?!!!!


Just don't bother coming upstairs.

[One Day Soon]

Been struggling with my sexuality for some years and now I've met someone I really like. Any .netters with experience of coming out or considering it? Not an easy thing to talk about I know but just wondered how folk would react to me being bisexual?


I have two kids. I'd hate for them to be unhappy or not at ease with themselves because of their worries about how others may react to their sexuality. You get one life, it's important to live it fully.

I don't know what the right way to be a parent is - I imagine all parents just try to do do what they think is best. However there are three things we try to do in our home which are; always tell each other the truth no matter how difficult - because that is the basis of all trust, be true to yourself because that way you won't ever let yourself down and you will always be able to look at yourself in the mirror with dignity and - most importantly - be happy. That doesn't mean do whatever you like and/or at other people's expense, it means that being happy/at peace/content is the most tranquil state of mind to have and the pursuit of that kind of happiness is the most important journey and destination.

I love my children pretty much more than anything else in the world, but one day I won't be there to love them. They'll be away living or working in another city or country. Or I'll be old and with dementia. Or I'll be just plain dead. When any of those things happen - and before any of them happen - I hope they meet someone who loves them, cares for them and wants to be with them as much as I do. The sexuality and the gender involved in whoever that may be are a complete afterthought.

Of course it's impossible to apply rules to every single circumstance - I don't know you, your father or where you live so I can't know how all this will play out for you. I hope you find a way to be yourself though so you can enjoy your life in full without having to concern yourself with how others may interpret your sexuality through the lens of their own preferences.

Good luck.

[JeMeSouviens]

Fwiw, I have sort of indirect experience of a couple of similar situations. One of my father in law's best friend's daughters came out and also the nephew of one of my best mates. In both those cases, a very traditionalist, straight up and down, no nonsense old school, church attending guy (my father-in-law, my friend's dad), the sort you might have been very worried about their reaction, took it completely in their stride. I think the number of people who will cling on to outdated, bigoted views in the face of people that they actually know and love being of the "different" thing they disapprove of (whatever that is) is vanishingly small.

Good luck.

[JeMeSouviens]

Also, I remember being asked when my wife was first expecting (20 years ago, how did that happen?) how I would react to the children being gay. I replied that as long as they weren't Jambos then everything else was fine by me. It was tongue in cheek a bit, but true as well, because I'd have hated to have been robbed of taking my kids to the football. Fatherhood is all about finding those things you connect with them on and enjoying them while you can.

[wpj]

My mum passed away last year but my Dad keeps saying "you need to find a girl and settle down". I don't think he'd be too happy that the person I like right now happens to be a guy.

That's just what dads say, i'm sure if he had an inkling he would have said "person" to settle down with. Obviously I don't know your dad but he may just surprise you. Good luck with everything and most importantly have fun and live life to the full

[WeeRussell]

My mum passed away last year but my Dad keeps saying "you need to find a girl and settle down". I don't think he'd be too happy that the person I like right now happens to be a guy.

My best mate from school went through the same thing, he was very nervous in telling me and others (during our student years) but is now living a completely open life, is happily married, and hasn't lost any friends or relationship as a result of the so-called 'coming out'.

Your post above made me think about when he was worried about his dad and brother's reactions. Although it will likely come as a surprise to your old man... I can guarantee when it settles in, he will be delighted for you in finding happiness and your relationship will continue as normal. He's your dad and you're his son... nothing will change that.

I genuinely think I am a better person since learning of someone so close to me being a gay man. It taught me a few things about myself which I didn't appreciate until then e.g. my flippant attitude towards homosexuality and some of the casual language I would have used in the past.

Although there is still a long way to go... the world has never been in a better place for accepting people for who they are racially/sexually etc. And you live in one of the most culturally accepting countries in the world.

Good luck to you going forward, as you can see from the above, you have the support of Hibs.net.

p.s. more than happy for you to send any questions my way via reply or PM if I can help based on above experience.

[Bristolhibby]

All the best mate in whatever path you choose.

Happiness is paramount and a parents love is unconditional.

J

[Stranraer]

I'm supposed to be meeting the guy I like on Thursday but Dad said it again to me this morning: "you need to find a nice lassie to settle you down". Thinking about opening up this week.

[Geo_1875]

Do you have a sister or close female relative that you can open up to? It might be easier than telling your Dad first. You might also find he's not as surprised as you expect.

[CropleyWasGod]

I'm supposed to be meeting the guy I like on Thursday but Dad said it again to me this morning: "you need to find a nice lassie to settle you down". Thinking about opening up this week.

Do you think that he already knows, and is giving you the opportunity to say..... "actually, Dad...."?

[Allant1981]

we had a similar situation in our family, my other halfs sister "came out" a couple of years ago, she was worried that the family would say something or be unhappy bit in all honesty it wasnt really a shock and no one bat an eye lid, obviously not all families are the same but hope it all goes well

[calumhibee1]

Do you think that he already knows, and is giving you the opportunity to say..... "actually, Dad...."?

That’s what I was thinking. I don’t know you, your dad or the relationship you two have, but if you’re even close-ish with him I’d be surprised if he didn’t have an inkling.

[WeeRussell]

That’s what I was thinking. I don’t know you, your dad or the relationship you two have, but if you’re even close-ish with him I’d be surprised if he didn’t have an inkling.

Not necessarily so. In my friend's case, his folks and me (one of his closest friends) had absolutely no idea.. had never crossed my mind. Although once I knew, looking back it did make sense.