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Dashing Bob S
12-01-2014, 09:00 PM
Hearts fans are looking forward to the transfer window closing - so that they'll be able to lick it again!

GreenLake
12-01-2014, 09:02 PM
I heard their was a new boy band in Gorgie. New Kids on the Locke.

SaulGoodman
12-01-2014, 09:04 PM
We'll be above Hibs and in the top six by Christmas

iwasthere1972
12-01-2014, 09:09 PM
All the Hearts players have been issued with lighters as they keep losing their matches.

Sky Sports News understands that two Hearts players have signed 3 years contracts. One with Vodafone and the other with Tesco Mobile.

Coats already on.

iwasthere1972
12-01-2014, 09:14 PM
What's the difference between Hearts and the Bermuda Triangle?

The Bermuda Triangle has three points.

Boom boom.

Jack
12-01-2014, 09:20 PM
I was at Heriot Watt last week and was shocked to see the yams playing football with a cat.

I was looking up the phone number of the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cuelty to Animals when the cat went one up!

lord bunberry
12-01-2014, 09:22 PM
What's the diffirence between hearts and a circle?
A circle has zero points

Bostonhibby
12-01-2014, 09:27 PM
Anyone heard the one about them winning the Champions League by 2008? :trumpet:

Barney McGrew
12-01-2014, 09:31 PM
Hearts have extended Kevin McHattie's contract.

They've stapled a bit of paper on the bottom saying he's ****.

Just Alf
12-01-2014, 09:32 PM
Hearts.

iwasthere1972
12-01-2014, 09:32 PM
Anyone heard the one about them winning the Champions League by 2008? :trumpet:

Did the prize money pay for their new 14,000 capacity stand with enough left over to pay a million quid for 100 cardboard boxes full of planning papers?

weonlywon6-2
12-01-2014, 09:43 PM
News flash

Aliens are reported to have swooped down and abducted some football players from hearts football club academy at Riccarton near Edinburgh, reports now suggest 7 traffic cones are missing

Tricla
12-01-2014, 09:54 PM
Why did the Yam cross the road?


Cos his sister was at the other side and she was due a podger.

Saorsa
12-01-2014, 10:14 PM
Why did the Yam cross the road?


Cos his sister was at the other side and she was due a podger.:top marks :hilarious

Peevemor
12-01-2014, 10:40 PM
I heard that John Robertson locked his keys in his car outside Riccarton last week. Apparently it took the police and fire brigade 3 hours to get Lockie and Billy Brown out.

snooky
12-01-2014, 10:41 PM
I was at Heriot Watt last week and was shocked to see the yams playing football with a cat.

I was looking up the phone number of the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cuelty to Animals when the cat went one up!

You lion b*****d. :wink:

The_Exile
12-01-2014, 10:45 PM
Why did the Yam cross the road?


Cos his sister was at the other side and she was due a podger.

:faf:Tears of laughter, superb.

LeithBoozy
12-01-2014, 10:57 PM
Q-What have you got if you have 4,0000 jambo's buried up to their necks in sand. A- Not enough f$£%("&g sand. :wink:

Flanny boy
12-01-2014, 11:02 PM
Q-What have you got if you have 4,0000 jambo's buried up to their necks in sand. A- Not enough f$£%("&g sand. :wink:
:aok::top marks:aok:

Www1875hfc
12-01-2014, 11:05 PM
The hearts team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

Just Alf
12-01-2014, 11:06 PM
The hearts team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

:thumbsup::top marks

Bostonhibby
12-01-2014, 11:12 PM
On the news that Billy Broon has just had an emergency ersehole transplant.


Sadly it never worked out as the ersehole rejected him.

LeithBoozy
13-01-2014, 11:07 AM
What is the difference between a Jambo and a jets engine ???. Eventually a jets engine will stop f$*&)(£g whining. :greengrin

Twa Cairpets
13-01-2014, 12:26 PM
Why are Hearts like a coal worker sellotaped to a pigeon?




Both stuck on miners doo.

GreenLake
13-01-2014, 12:29 PM
What is the difference between Jamie Walker and a nickel hooker? One goes down cheaply moaning and likes to give BJ's and the other one frequently takes it in the box.

matty_f
13-01-2014, 01:01 PM
Why do jambos twirl their scarves?
Because they're c**ts.

Hibbyradge
13-01-2014, 02:51 PM
Why are Hearts like a coal worker sellotaped to a pigeon?




Both stuck on miners doo.

http://media.heavy.com/media/2012/09/board-1.jpg

Spike Mandela
13-01-2014, 02:53 PM
Cold tonight. Still -2 in Gorgie.

Makaveli
13-01-2014, 03:07 PM
Snow White arrived home one evening to find her home destroyed by fire. She was especially worried because she'd left all seven dwarves asleep inside. As she scrambled among the wreckage, frantically calling their names, she heard the end of a muffled melody: "... we're the Hearts and we're staying up."

"Thank goodness," Snow White beamed. "At least Dopey's still alive!"

Ronniekirk
13-01-2014, 03:15 PM
A Hearts fan goes into Tesco to buy baking ingredients for the next Big Hearts Bake Off Jamboree .When they asked how many points would be added to there club card ,the assistant replied none ,but I have been told to deduct points so you are now on minus 2 .

Peevemor
13-01-2014, 03:17 PM
Why do jambos twirl their scarves?
Because they're c**ts.

:top marks

Northernhibee
13-01-2014, 03:18 PM
Rudi Skacel walks into a bar.

The barman says "Why the long face?"

kevo1875
13-01-2014, 03:19 PM
When Gary Locke called the players together to discuss tactics most of them thought he was going to talk about a new peppermint

Ronniekirk
13-01-2014, 03:19 PM
Snow White arrived home one evening to find her home destroyed by fire. She was especially worried because she'd left all seven dwarves asleep inside. As she scrambled among the wreckage, frantically calling their names, she heard the end of a muffled melody: "... we're the Hearts and we're staying up."

"Thank goodness," Snow White beamed. "At least Dopey's still alive!"
Reminds me of the one about the seven Dwarves in the bath .They all felt Happy.Happy got out and they all felt Grumpy . nothing to do with Hear7s but the old jokes are the best ones .:wink:

Bobo
13-01-2014, 03:20 PM
What's the difference between Billy Brown lying dead on the motorway and a hedgehog lying dead on the motorway?

The skid marks in front of the hedgehog :wink:

Tricla
13-01-2014, 03:51 PM
Why do jambos twirl their scarves?
Because they're c**ts.

Lol!

One Day Soon
13-01-2014, 04:01 PM
Q: How many surrealist Hearts fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We owe it to ourselves.

green glory
13-01-2014, 04:20 PM
Tynecastle is a fully UEFA compliant state of the art stadium.

kevo1875
13-01-2014, 04:24 PM
Gary locke

Arch Stanton
13-01-2014, 04:31 PM
St Peter : We've had a few prayers to save Hearts - what do you think?

God: Those cheats? I wouldn't save them if they were the last club on earth.

Oh, I tell a lie - yes I would.

Dashing Bob S
13-01-2014, 11:53 PM
The unfortunate whale washed up on Portobello beach was found to asphyxiated.

Several thousand Hearts season ticket books were found lodged in its gullet.

Ronniekirk
13-01-2014, 11:56 PM
The unfortunate whale washed up on Portobello beach was found to asphyxiated.

Several thousand Hearts season ticket books were found lodged in its gullet.
Was it a sperm whale

Hibercelona
14-01-2014, 12:37 AM
Q: Why do the jambos call themselves jam tarts?

A: Because they're jammy, they're pointless and they make baking look easy.

GREEN WARLORD
14-01-2014, 12:07 PM
How do you chop off a Yams tadger?

Kick his sister in the jaw! :greengrin

Scouse Hibee
14-01-2014, 02:25 PM
How do you chop off a Yams tadger?

Kick his sister in the jaw! :greengrin


:faf:

Scouse Hibee
14-01-2014, 02:30 PM
What's the difference between a Jambo group family photograph and a Hibby one, one is a picture with relations in it, the other is a picture of intimate relations.

#FromTheCapital
14-01-2014, 02:35 PM
Not relevant now (a bit like hearts)but one of my favourite past jokes about hearts was when Graham Rix became their manager: Graham Rix has decided to axe Steven Pressley from the hearts squad.... Apparently he doesn't like hairy fannies.

Saorsa
14-01-2014, 02:37 PM
How do you chop off a Yams tadger?

Kick his sister in the jaw! :greengrin:faf:

Tricla
14-01-2014, 03:26 PM
How do you chop off a Yams tadger?

Kick his sister in the jaw! :greengrin

Lol!

Tricla
14-01-2014, 03:27 PM
Not relevant now (a bit like hearts)but one of my favourite past jokes about hearts was when Graham Rix became their manager: Graham Rix has decided to axe Steven Pressley from the hearts squad.... Apparently he doesn't like hairy fannies.

Still perfectly relevant my friend.

Keith_M
14-01-2014, 03:47 PM
Hearts get over 13,000 to every home game.

Deansy
14-01-2014, 04:14 PM
' Demand for 21,000 season tickets for season 2006/07'


'Hearts has 398,000 supporters (source: Roy Morgan international survey'

( http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf (http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf) )

jacomo
14-01-2014, 05:08 PM
' Demand for 21,000 season tickets for season 2006/07'


'Hearts has 398,000 supporters (source: Roy Morgan international survey'

( http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf (http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf) )




This entire publication is comedy gold! I like this particular snippet:


Hearts is now a premium brand, recognised across the world as a symbol of contemporary life in Edinburgh, one of Europe's most cosmopolitan cities.

:faf:

Time For Heroes
14-01-2014, 06:35 PM
What do you call a female jambo in a tracksuit?

The bride

Makaveli
14-01-2014, 06:41 PM
This entire publication is comedy gold! I like this particular snippet:



:faf:

Look at this photoshop job from page 29! :faf:

http://i.imgur.com/DWiyTpW.jpg

Hibs Class
14-01-2014, 07:14 PM
'Demand for 21,000 season tickets for season 2006/07'


'Hearts has 398,000 supporters (source: Roy Morgan international survey'

( http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf (http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf) )




Don't think I've seen that before. It is fantastic how they have managed to attain new heights of delusion, page after page after page. Hard to see how anyone would have been suckered by that, even without the benefit of hindsight.

Saorsa
14-01-2014, 07:39 PM
Don't think I've seen that before. It is fantastic how they have managed to attain new heights of delusion, page after page after page. Hard to see how anyone would have been suckered by that, even without the benefit of hindsight.We're no talking anyone though, we're talking yams.

Deansy
14-01-2014, 07:46 PM
Don't think I've seen that before. It is fantastic how they have managed to attain new heights of delusion, page after page after page. Hard to see how anyone would have been suckered by that, even without the benefit of hindsight.

Approx 15 lines per page, 16 pages that's 240 lines - which means there's 240 'JamboJokes' going begging !!

tamig
14-01-2014, 08:21 PM
' Demand for 21,000 season tickets for season 2006/07'


'Hearts has 398,000 supporters (source: Roy Morgan international survey'

( http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf (http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf) )




What a gem of a doc. So many nuggets in there.

"Hearts fans are the wealthiest in Scotland."

"23% of Hearts fans are affluent city dwellers."

"Plans for a 26000 - 30000 capacity Tynecastle with conferencing and banqueting facilities for 3000."

Fantasy island stuff.

GreenLake
14-01-2014, 08:30 PM
'Demand for 21,000 season tickets for season 2006/07'


'Hearts has 398,000 supporters (source: Roy Morgan international survey'

( http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf (http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/staticFiles/5a/6a/0,,10289~27226,00.pdf) )




Thanks for posting that. Best laugh I have had for months. You really can't make this stuff up!!!

Note how they brag about the £4million Hearts Football Academy in partnership with Heriot Watt. A copy of this brochure should be sent to the European Commission considering they are investigating Real Madrid and Barcelona for illegal public funding. A Yam director would risk perjury denying the benefits from public funding with this brochure in print. They also claim only one other Premier League club has such a facility, without naming them (or should I say, us) or mentioning that they(we) paid for them out of their (our) own pockets.

How are your training facilities now cheats? Who owns them you lowlife rent dodging squatters?

Leithenhibby
14-01-2014, 08:40 PM
Really.... :greengrin

"Exposing your brand at Tynecastle Stadium offers more than 300,000 supporters the opportunity
to be aware of your company in one season".

tamig
14-01-2014, 08:50 PM
Thanks for posting that. Best laugh I have had for months. You really can't make this stuff up!!!

Note how they brag about the £4million Hearts Football Academy in partnership with Heriot Watt. A copy of this brochure should be sent to the European Commission considering they are investigating Real Madrid and Barcelona for illegal public funding. A Yam director would risk perjury denying the benefits from public funding with this brochure in print. They also claim only one other Premier League club has such a facility, without naming them (or should I say, us) or mentioning that they(we) paid for them out of their (our) own pockets.

How are your training facilities now cheats? Who owns them you lowlife rent dodging squatters?

To be honest I don't think East Mains was finished when that work of fiction was produced. The reference will be to the oldco academy.

GreenLake
14-01-2014, 09:30 PM
To be honest I don't think East Mains was finished when that work of fiction was produced. The reference will be to the oldco academy.

Thanks for pointing that out. I can't imagine how it was to live in Edinburgh during the prime of the yam Ponzi scheme.

NadeAteMyLunch!
14-01-2014, 09:31 PM
OMG!!!!! How have I never seen that before?! They are so far beyond deluded its frightening.

1) £20,000 to advertise on their score board?!? THEY DON'T HAVE A SCORE BOARD!!

2) 30,000 capacity. This would mean their new super duper main stand would have had to hold approx. 16,000 people! So approx 10,000 more than our two-tier main stand!!lol

3) 13,500 season ticket holders. So pretty much every seat in the 3 home stands. Demand for 21,000! LOL!

4) Every home game in 2005/06 was sold out and every game in 06/07 WILL sell out. Not like the jumbos to get ahead of themselves

5)Season ticket holders can be found in almost every post code across the central belt and FIFE! Who in Fife has a ST for Hertz?! Every postcode?!? Aye, ok.

And by far my favourite blatant lie...

6) Hearts travelling support increased by 84% between 04/05 and 05/06!! Absolute lying *******s!! How exactly are they working out that figure when the majority of games would have been PATG. Very much doubt that they checked numbers through the gates at every club, two yrs in a row. What sort of pishy support did they have in 04/05 if it can jump up 84% in one year!!

I know we chuckle, however it's actually disgusting how many lies they have told over the years!! The team with no shame indeed.

NadeAteMyLunch!
14-01-2014, 09:37 PM
Aaaaanyway, back on topic...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the job centre before Billy Broon

macca70
14-01-2014, 10:14 PM
I invited Locke to my Birthday Party,

He phoned me up to tell me he couldn't manage.

'Aye, I know that Gary but are you coming to my party'?!!!

Bostonhibby
14-01-2014, 10:51 PM
Aaaaanyway, back on topic...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the job centre before Billy Broon

Why did Billy Broon cross the same road?

To argue with the chicken.

Topographic Hibby
14-01-2014, 11:05 PM
Why did Billy Broon cross the same road?

To argue with the chicken.

Why did Ewan Murray phone up the chicken?

To complain about the treatment of "UB40" Broon by the chicken.

Bostonhibby
14-01-2014, 11:12 PM
Why did Ewan Murray phone up the chicken?

Had he been stalking it and could contain himself no longer when he seen it hanging around with Billy Broon?

Or did he just invite it out for a drink?

Jack
14-01-2014, 11:12 PM
Billy Broon was across the road.

He'd been places.

GreenLake
15-01-2014, 12:11 AM
What do Burnt Island and North Berwick have in common? They are both far off places Billy Brown has been to.

rosco-hibee
15-01-2014, 12:17 AM
How do you chop off a Yams tadger?

Kick his sister in the jaw! :greengrin

:greengrin
Epic.

Dashing Bob S
15-01-2014, 12:25 AM
At least Billy Brown isn't two faced.


If he was he wouldn't be wearing that one!


Boom boom!

Dashing Bob S
15-01-2014, 12:28 AM
How can a Jambo tell his sister is having a period?

His dad's tadger tastes funny!


Boom boom! Billy Broon!

Time For Heroes
15-01-2014, 12:51 AM
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Tynecastle. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

lucky
15-01-2014, 08:09 AM
18th best supported team in the UK

Twa Cairpets
15-01-2014, 08:33 AM
Billy Broon was across the road.

He'd been places.

My favourite so far. :top marks

Bostonhibby
15-01-2014, 08:47 AM
Billy Broon was across the road.

He'd been places.

Has he been lying to us all along? It sounds like all these "places" he's been are nothing more than than him counting up each time he has managed to cross the road.

I'm sure we've all been the same places as billy goat. Imposter.

Hibbibri
15-01-2014, 09:48 AM
Why did Billy Broon cross the same road?

To argue with the chicken.

He's dun things you know :na na:

ps the chicken won the argument :flag:

struglin struglin struglin :cb

Dashing Bob S
15-01-2014, 11:55 AM
It's been a harsh winter in Gorgie and it's still -2, but the Jambos should stop complaining.

They should try living in Lithuania - even the shares there are frozen!


Bill Broon!

GreenLake
15-01-2014, 12:06 PM
Really.... :greengrin

"Exposing your brand at Tynecastle Stadium offers more than 300,000 supporters the opportunity
to be aware of your company in one season".

Firstly, a yam is unlikely to become aware of anything exposed to him unless it is from below the waist of his sister.
Secondly, 300,000 is a number plucked directly out of an ar&e, so why not just pile it up to 3 million or 3 trillion.
Thirdly, Tynecastle Stadium is a text book example of an oxymoron.

Neil4Hibs
15-01-2014, 12:12 PM
Be careful driving in Gorgie, I have heard that any visitor to Tynecastle is guaranteed 3 points!

Nailrod
15-01-2014, 12:22 PM
Why did the jambos flood over the precipice like lemmings?

Vlad told them they were all attached to invisible magic safety cords that they owed to themselves.

The Gorf
15-01-2014, 04:00 PM
telling a friend that I had a nightmare last night. Dreamt a bus full of yams went off the road. He said how was that a nightmare? I told him there were two empty seats.

SuperAllyMcleod
15-01-2014, 08:39 PM
Terrible, terrible news tonight when a Jambo supporters bus went over a cliff killing all on board.

There were four empty seats.


I'll be here all week.

lEXO
15-01-2014, 09:00 PM
I used this on the huns last year but will recycle it in the summer..

I was in the pub the other night and this tidy bird in a Hearts scarf walks in. She starts giving me the eye and then comes over wae pint for me. We are chatting away until I finish my pint. She then asks me "do you fancy taking me home?". I replied "sorry hen, your just no in my league"..................

Bostonhibby
15-01-2014, 09:51 PM
He's dun things you know :na na:

ps the chicken won the argument :flag:

struglin struglin struglin :cb

:greengrin Why did the chicken follow Billy goat across the road?

With his big red heid it thought he was a rooster:greengrin, when all the time he was a roaster. I'll get my coat.