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View Full Version : Albert Kidd. A hero or just another Lee Harvey Oswald?



SanFranHibs
05-01-2014, 02:13 PM
Sensational claims emanating from Tynecastle that question the previously accepted history of Albert Kidd as the Lone Hitman.

Speaking from his bunker in Tynecastle, Billy Brown laid out his historical map that stretches from the middle ages through to the Edinburgh derby that just ushered in 2014. "Firstly,", says Brown, "this is not borne out of wounded paranoia that the rest of the world say we suffer from. This is new 'evidence' that has come to light after exhaustive and painstaking research done yesterday morning at the mobile library, who as it turns out are part of the great conspiracy and now refuse us access because of outstanding late fines of a mere three pounds". Brown continued in a tone barely above a rant, "My staff, all young hardworking interns, have shown conclusively that this goes back to the Knights Templar and the first Crusade, possibly earlier and follows a path through the Venetian banking system, the Vatican, the early Stuarts, Shakespeare, Newton, Disraeli, the Rothschilds, Skull and Bones, the JFK Assasination, the CIA, 9/11, Lithuania, the SPFL, ultimately leading to a more recent desertion of us by our Masonic Brothers as evidenced in the most recent derby. We fought a war for this brotherhood" raged Brown, thumping his desk, "and this is how we are repaid. It is true that 99% of referees would have given the penalty to Hibs and 99% not given the penalty to Hearts. But incredibly...we get the one referee who rules against us twice. TWICE!!! That's more than once! I have been places and I know what I am talking about. Kidd was just a patsy like Oswald. A CIA-Yes vote plant. He was a hand picked special agent, plucked out of the lower divisions and carefully nurtured and primed just waiting for the order to strike. Yes, that order came in 1986. He scored twice! TWICE. That's more than once. Can't you see the recurrent theme???? He done his deed for his masters and now lives under an assumed title, Sir Albert, in Australia. Oswald goes to the far east and then Russia. Kidd started in the North-East and now is in the far east. Obvious if you can read it. We know the real history. Just read your Wikipedia. It's all there in code". In an intriguing connection to the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, Billy Brown, who assured me that he is no relation to Dan and has never even been to his lodge, went on to say that Hearts had been approached before Rosslynn as a possible location for the now infamous movie, as film makers thought the old stand at Tynecastle to have many more crouching, grotesque figures and it is also a fine example of ancient architecture. But Brown was quick to scotch rumours that it has buried deep below rare scrolls and papers of paid bills. "We have been accused of many things", Brown said in a desperate tone, "but never of paying our bills. Just read your Shakespeare. It's all there in code. Hamlet, Macbeth, Caesar, The Merchants of Venice. It's all there. You just have to know how to read it. I've been places and I've read! We're a big, big club. Maybe too big which is why they are all out to get us. the Earl Haig Foundation, Herriot Watt University, Her Majesty's Tax Office to name but three commie organizations. And that's more than two! But I've been places and we're a big, big club. Too big to fail. If we fail, the country fails, the Union fails and maybe even the Diggers. They've already got the Wheatsheaf! Robbos has been up for sale for years. If you could only read it. But we have taken it on the chin. No self-pity, no whining. On the chin. I’m proud…so proud. We know what we are up against in this war. International Jewry, Fascism, Communism, the Anti-Defamation league, the Human League, SPFL, the communist-nationalist-liberal press and the debt collectors. But Hearts will keep on the fight. Even into the lower divisions. I’m proud...".

Visibly sobbing, I allowed him a couple of minutes to compose himself and as he took out an old soiled rag and was in the process of trying to find his nose a door opened and there before me stood Gary Locke. "Would you like to comment on this incredible story, Mr. Locke?" I ventured. "Er no...", he replied. "It is all true of course, but I have not seen the reviews so I can't comment. And the referee definitely cost us the game. But I can't comment on it. I’m just proud…so proud of our young players and distraught that there are no allowances being made for them. They are being ruined before the eyes of the world. But I can't comment." And before I could ask him what special allowances should be made for his young squad he was gone.

Billy Brown concluded the interview by asking for a donation, even just to tide them over and pay the library fine. Against my better instincts I said yes. I offered to go straight round to the library main office and take care of the matter, but he said it was better to give him the cash and he would attend to it himself that very day. I gave him the three pounds. "You couldn't make it a fiver, could you? And an English note if you have one!".

A truly breathtaking story and one that will reverberate through the corridors of power and possibly shake the very foundations of the political, banking and sporting worlds, resulting in a fairer and more just treatment of Hearts U20's first team squad and their administrative interns.

Postscript to interview.

1) Billy Brown is not rhyming slang for clown. It just happens to be appropriate. Comments such as 'I feel like such a Billy' and 'He made himself look like a real Billy' are not used within the peels of Bow Bells.
2) Gary Locke is not rhyming slang for.......it just happens to be appropriate. (However, this might be used unofficially with the peels of Bow Bells)
3) The library fine was paid soon after the interview by an anonymous party who said he could not reveal his name as he is an Edinburgh MP but wants to remain anonymous. Browns interns can now continue their research and I am told that using simple Euclidian mathematics are near to proving that the 2014/15 Championship will have a higher rating than the SPL.
4) Medals McKay is distancing himself from Browns claim that Hearts won the Grat Wars for the masons. He is proud of the role Hearts had in the Great Wars and feels justified in wearing his medals with pride in the great war Hearts now find themselves in and indeed will be wearing them to his next lodge meeting to show them to the EDC members who will be in attendance.
5) Medals McKay is not rhyming slang for lie, cry or die…......it is just appropriate.
6) The Oxford English dictionary have not yet decided whether to update their definition of 'taking it on the chin' to include any of the following
a. pleading for special treatment
b. begging for suspension of punishment
c. denying all wrongdoing
d. blaming everyone else.



I know....stupid but I am bored and also bored of the 'watching our young boys die'.

Lester B
05-01-2014, 02:41 PM
Superb sir!:top marks

fat freddy
05-01-2014, 02:47 PM
Excellent analysis...I always thought that Albert Kidd was a trained assassin, it was the moustache that gave it away, he'd clearly spent too much time in a Middle East Terrorist Training Camp.

therealgavmac
05-01-2014, 02:47 PM
Brilliant, just brilliant...... take a bow sir!

Dibben
05-01-2014, 02:49 PM
:top marks

:thumbsup:

degenerated
05-01-2014, 02:54 PM
Superb stuff :hilarious

Deansy
05-01-2014, 02:58 PM
Is it also coincidence that Hearts have bottled winning the league TWICE (that's also more than ONCE) in the very LAST game of the season - once in 1965 V Kilmarnock and again in 1986 ??

GreenLake
05-01-2014, 02:59 PM
Good read. :thumbsup:

Weststandwanab
05-01-2014, 03:06 PM
What a great read.