Dashing Bob S
16-09-2011, 11:19 AM
Hibs.net readers can experience the terrible dilemma faced by Billy as he contemplates switching to his deadly rivals, Hibernian.
WEDNESDAY
Unemployment. I could get used to this! Ratarsed down the local at Musselburgh last night. Woke this morning with a sair one. The missus in a bad mood because I never noticed the new tattoo on her erse. She left to do her school dinners job so I thought I’d knock one out over that Aussie soap opera that comes on in the eftirnoons, before getting a late steak pie at local with a pint of stout. The phone goes and it’s young Tommo greeting away fae Lith land, saying that he misses Scotland and that Romanov’s Lith club have disabled his Facebook account. Well, the conversation took a dark turn and nae way was I psychological condition tae ‘batter yin off’, so I went tae Lucas for a sugar hit. Sundae, bloody sundae! All good again.
THURSDAY
Things a bit tight so woke early and cashed in some war bounds Jeff gied me. Doctor’s for regular check-up – disappointed to find no traces of asbo in the lungs. Got hame and the phone went and it was Caldo offering me a job. Could’ve knocked me doon with a feather. I told him it was flattering but a big step and I’d need to discuss it wi the significant other. So I got on to Jeff and asked him what tae dae.
In between moothfae’s of pie, I thought he said ‘Take it.’
‘You’re joking.’
‘Fifteen minutes drive fae the hoose in Musselburry n nae compo issues? You’d be mad no tae.’
‘You heard the lungs came up clear, then.’
‘Aye. Sorry pal.’
So phoned Caldo and accepted. ‘The great thing Billy, is that with you in the job, if anything should happen to me, like if I was somehow offered a post of tea-boy’s assistant for a club in Engerlund, or a George Graham impersonator on the after-dinner circuit, there would be a ready made replacement…’
‘…Jeff!’ we squealed at the same time in delight.
As I got off the phone, the missus had picked up on all the frivolity. ‘You been on that sex chat line again, Billy Broon?’
‘Naw…well, mair a sexy football chatline. Caldo’s concerned that Hibs are a bit dull tae watch wi aw this hoofball, so he thinks that with me havin been Jeff’s assistant for 23 years, I’ll be able to come in and spice things up.’
Well, she wisnae happy, worryin’ aboot the windaes being pit in. She also had tae get the ‘Glorious Herts’ tattoo removed, which didnae bother her as she had always wanted a big harp on her erse. ‘Well, Billy,’ she said tae me, ‘it’s only fifteen minutes drive tae the training centre and we’ve nae compo tae worry aboot.’
FRIDAY
Fifteen minutes drive, right enough, well, fifteen minutes and thirty twa seconds, but lits no split baw hairs for yince. First thing ah saw wis Dirk Lehmann, hudnae seen for ages. 'How you daein man? Still makin the films? Nothin buckshee'
The boy looked a week bit oot ay shape for that game, but I didnae want tae say. Caldo comes ower, and says, 'That's no Lehman, Billy, you incompetent Jambo tube, that's the MD, Mr Petrie.'
Well, I thought tae masel, 'incompentent Jambo tube, and here's me just in the door?' It'll be a long, hard season. Still, fifteen minutes drive and nae compo...
WEDNESDAY
Unemployment. I could get used to this! Ratarsed down the local at Musselburgh last night. Woke this morning with a sair one. The missus in a bad mood because I never noticed the new tattoo on her erse. She left to do her school dinners job so I thought I’d knock one out over that Aussie soap opera that comes on in the eftirnoons, before getting a late steak pie at local with a pint of stout. The phone goes and it’s young Tommo greeting away fae Lith land, saying that he misses Scotland and that Romanov’s Lith club have disabled his Facebook account. Well, the conversation took a dark turn and nae way was I psychological condition tae ‘batter yin off’, so I went tae Lucas for a sugar hit. Sundae, bloody sundae! All good again.
THURSDAY
Things a bit tight so woke early and cashed in some war bounds Jeff gied me. Doctor’s for regular check-up – disappointed to find no traces of asbo in the lungs. Got hame and the phone went and it was Caldo offering me a job. Could’ve knocked me doon with a feather. I told him it was flattering but a big step and I’d need to discuss it wi the significant other. So I got on to Jeff and asked him what tae dae.
In between moothfae’s of pie, I thought he said ‘Take it.’
‘You’re joking.’
‘Fifteen minutes drive fae the hoose in Musselburry n nae compo issues? You’d be mad no tae.’
‘You heard the lungs came up clear, then.’
‘Aye. Sorry pal.’
So phoned Caldo and accepted. ‘The great thing Billy, is that with you in the job, if anything should happen to me, like if I was somehow offered a post of tea-boy’s assistant for a club in Engerlund, or a George Graham impersonator on the after-dinner circuit, there would be a ready made replacement…’
‘…Jeff!’ we squealed at the same time in delight.
As I got off the phone, the missus had picked up on all the frivolity. ‘You been on that sex chat line again, Billy Broon?’
‘Naw…well, mair a sexy football chatline. Caldo’s concerned that Hibs are a bit dull tae watch wi aw this hoofball, so he thinks that with me havin been Jeff’s assistant for 23 years, I’ll be able to come in and spice things up.’
Well, she wisnae happy, worryin’ aboot the windaes being pit in. She also had tae get the ‘Glorious Herts’ tattoo removed, which didnae bother her as she had always wanted a big harp on her erse. ‘Well, Billy,’ she said tae me, ‘it’s only fifteen minutes drive tae the training centre and we’ve nae compo tae worry aboot.’
FRIDAY
Fifteen minutes drive, right enough, well, fifteen minutes and thirty twa seconds, but lits no split baw hairs for yince. First thing ah saw wis Dirk Lehmann, hudnae seen for ages. 'How you daein man? Still makin the films? Nothin buckshee'
The boy looked a week bit oot ay shape for that game, but I didnae want tae say. Caldo comes ower, and says, 'That's no Lehman, Billy, you incompetent Jambo tube, that's the MD, Mr Petrie.'
Well, I thought tae masel, 'incompentent Jambo tube, and here's me just in the door?' It'll be a long, hard season. Still, fifteen minutes drive and nae compo...