'smart' jokes, so bad they're good

[steve75]

always had a soft spot for, I guess what you would call educational(?), jokes. Jokes to do with maths and the likes.

best two I've heard recently

My dad once told me i had a lot of potential, right before he pushed me off the balcony.

&

(not so much a joke, but I like it)

sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN!

anyone else out there with an awful sense of humour?

[Peevemor]

40 pager.

[Jack]

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a Halloween lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!

[Wembley67]

Bought a car off Bonnie Tyler the other week.

It's a great runner but every now and then it falls apart.

[fat freddy]

i've got a mate with a seagull on his head - Cliff

[howdenthehibby]

A debate in the Middle East about whether the flintstones should be shown on TV.The people in Dubai do not understand the humour,but those in Abi Dabi do.

[Barney McGrew]

Are you suffering from schizophrenia?

You're not alone.

[hibby19]

Why did the number get mad at his wife?

Because she was being irrational.

[sleeping giant]

Q: Whats the difference between a duck ?

A: One of its legs are both the same !

[Twa Cairpets]

Whats Orange and invisble?



































No carrots.

[--------]

Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: An etymologist would know the difference.


Did you know that Pokemon was originally a Rastafarian proctologist?


Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made.


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.


I passed advanced calculus yesterday. It was very painful, and I'm still pissing blood.

[Marabou Stork]

As mathematical jokes go, I like this one. (http://img816.imageshack.us/i/nerdjoke.gif/)

[Hermit Crab]

Did you hear about the Irish paper shop?



It blew away!



(i will get my coat:greengrin)

[Pretty Boy]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer juggling. He notices they are struggling to see him so stands up on a box so they can get a better view. He turns to each of them in turn and asks if the view is now better. They each answer in turn:
'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'

[Hibs90]

This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.

Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.

1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter

[Greentinted]

This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.

Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.

1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter

Thats very naughty...:greengrin

[Greentinted]

Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: An etymologist would know the difference.


Did you know that Pokemon was originally a Rastafarian proctologist?


Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made.


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.


I passed advanced calculus yesterday. It was very painful, and I'm still pissing blood.

I really like the first one but I'm thinking that must mean I'm a bit 'wrong'. :greengrin

And I have to 'borrow' the renaissance one, I did indeed laugh audibly. :thumbsup:

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

And I have to 'borrow' the renaissance one, I did indeed laugh audibly. :thumbsup:

Stuart Francis on Mock the Week IIRC?

[DH1875]

Q: Why do Flamingo's stand on one leg?
A: They'd fall down if they lifted both.

Q: What cheese is made backwards?
A: Edam.

[magnificent_seven]

What do the French say when the tide is coming in?
-Merci

Why was the prisoner lonely?
-He was in his cell

Whats the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
-Bing sings but Walt disnae.

Probably not 'smart jokes' but they are bad!

How did the man drown in the bath?
-He farted and tried to smell it

[sleeping giant]

Q: Why do Flamingo's stand on one leg?
A: They'd fall down if they lifted both.


:hilarious

[blackpoolhibs]

Stunning lady walks up to a bar.
She signals the barman to bring his face close to hers.
Running her fingers through his hair she says softly "Are you the manager?"
"No", he says......"Can you give him a message?" she asks,
stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently & sliding them seductively across his teeth & round his tongue.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper."!!

[blackpoolhibs]

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's *****, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

[ancient hibee]

"Is that a do'nut or a meringue?"

"No you're quite correct-it's a do'nut."

[Leicester Fan]

I got a ghost to pose for a photograph for me but when I had the pictures developed they were too dark to see anything.

It seems the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

[Bunter]

I shoved some grapes up my wife's bum last night.

She didn't complain much. She just let out a little wine. :greengrin

[steve75]

got a couple of good 'equations'

If a pizza has a height A and radius Z, find the volume.

Circumference (C) = Pi x Radius²
Volume (V) = C x height

V = Pi.radius.radius.height

sub in variables;

V = Pi.Z.Z.A

Proof that girls are evil

Girls require time and money

Girls = Time x Money

We know that time is money

Girls = Money x Money = (Money)²

As money is the root of all evil

money = √evil

therefore we take

Girls = (√evil)²

thus

Girls = Evil

[Hibs90]

I don't take orders from anyone.
Which is most probably why my restaurant went bust.


I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you ****ing do it"


My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.


My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?"
"A blowjob" I replied.
"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick o death of repeating myself to that woman.

:greengrin

[haagsehibby]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those who don't.

[steve75]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those who don't.

00001010/00001010
:thumbsup:

:wink:

[forthhibby]

I asked my mate why do divers fall backwards out of the boat when entering the water?

he said , if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat you daft b*****d

[ArabHibee]

I played in a football match against a team of unreliable drug dealers.
It ended in a no score draw.

[ancient hibee]

Putin comes on a state visit and is greeted by Her Majesty in the State Coach.On the way to the palace one of the horses does a humoungous fart and a dreadful smell fills the coach."i'm terribly sorry about that."says Her Maj."Think nothing of it,"says Putin "in fact I thought it was the horse."

[lyonhibs]

This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.

Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.

1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter

:top marks For a moment, you had me at worrying that I was pre-destined to wind up a craggy paedophile!!

[Barney McGrew]

I just saw Mr T getting on a baby horse.

I pity the foal.

[Leicester Fan]

After Fulham erected a statue of Michael Jackson, Arsenal have responded.
They are planning to erect a statue of Jim Bowen with the catch phrase
‘Lets have a look at what you could have won’

[sleeping giant]

I asked my mate why do divers fall backwards out of the boat when entering the water?

he said , if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat you daft b*****d

:rotflmao:

[Hermit Crab]

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?.........................Poker Face.

[Leicester Fan]

I bought Adele's album the other day.

Ironically, it wasn't over until the fat lady stopped singing.

[Hibs90]

I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the **** is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."

[Barney McGrew]

Manager: "Adele, you just received an offer from Hollywood, they say they have a big role for you in the new Jerry Maguire movie. What do you think?"

Adele: "You had me at big roll."

[R'Albin]

I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the **** is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."

:faf:

[Sodje_18]

What happened to the Irish tap dancer?
Fell down the sink.

What happened to the Mexican shop lifter?
Broke his back.

Ever hear about the guy who tried to wash his stairs?
Broke his washing machine.

I guess Liverpool have no european success to braga bout now..

I'm here all week people :greengrin:taxi

[Barney McGrew]

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

[SaulGoodman]

Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.

The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"

The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"

For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.

[Calvin]

Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.

The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"

The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"

For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.

:thumbsup:

[--------]

Two men are sitting at a restaurant when the waiter comes to take their drinks orders.

The first man says "I'll have an H2O please"

The other man, finding this funny says "I'll have an H2O too"

For some strange reason, after taking their drinks, the second man died.


:not worth

A guy goes hunting in the woods.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.

At which point a 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his forepaw.

"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That hurt!"

The hunter says, "Well, I'm a hunter, and you're a bear...."

The bear says, "Oh, really? And that gives you the right to shoot me when I'm minding my own business, not hurting anybody, just going about my regular bear affairs>? YOU need a LESSON!"

So the bear grabs the hunter, rips off all his clothes, and rapes him, before disappearing into the forest.

The hunter crawls back to the campsite where he's rescued and airlifted to hospital.

After lengthy surgery, much medication, and 6 months of psychological counselling, the hunter decides he's ready to face his fears and go back to the forest.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.

At which point the same 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his other forepaw.

"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That hurt! Hey, it's YOU again! Do you NEVER learn?"

So the bear grabs the hunter, rips off all his clothes, and rapes him all over again, before disappearing back into the forest.

The hunter crawls back to the campsite where he's rescued and airlifted to hospital.

After even more surgery and much more medication, and after a whole year of counselling, the hunter decides he's ready to face his fears and go back to the forest.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.

At which point the same 9-foot grizzly bear rears up out of the bushes, very irate, clutching his shoulder.

"What did you do that for?" he says. "I wasn't bothering you. Why did you shoot me? That really hurt!"

Then he stops, and looks hard at the hunter.

"Hey it's you AGAIN? You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"


:devil:

[blackpoolhibs]

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.



Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the 1st ever No Nails bomb

[Leicester Fan]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

[.Sean.]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his *****ing widow."

[Hibernian Verse]

That's the last time I commit suicide.

[steve75]

As mathematical jokes go, I like this one. (http://img816.imageshack.us/i/nerdjoke.gif/)

managed to miss this until now!

quality!

[Barney McGrew]

My Mrs just found out that I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

[Hibrandenburg]

"Old McDonald was dyslexic, i o e u a"

[Hibs90]

Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, "Can I borrow your lighter mate?"

She said, "I don't smoke."

"Neither do I," I replied, "I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby ****."

[Leicester Fan]

Q: What's the definition of eternal love?

A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

[andyhibs]

man walks into a butchers , with a massive condom on his shoulder, and says a pound of fillet , the butcher says , pound you dont:taxi

[forthhibby]

Electron and proton go into a bar. Proton: 'Your round'. Electron: 'You sure?' Proton: 'I'm positive'

[Leicester Fan]

I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly.

[Leicester Fan]

I just quit my job in a Helium Factory.

I was fed up being spoken to like that.

[Hiber-nation]

I ordered Pelican Curry but got a right shock when I saw the massive bill.

[SRHibs]

Electron and proton go into a bar. Proton: 'Your round'. Electron: 'You sure?' Proton: 'I'm positive'

Neutron goes into a bar. Neutron asks the barman: "How much for a pint of Fosters". Barman replies: "For you sir, no charge."

[Hibrandenburg]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

[JE89]

Got Olympic tickets for the 400m butterfly. Can't wait to see an insect that big.

Why don't they have bookies in China? The Chineese don't like Tibet.

[Calvin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

:top marks :faf:

[Leicester Fan]

Glenn Campbells been diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease...

Now he's getting cards & letters from people he doesn't even know

[R'Albin]

I need to stop speaking to inanimate objects. Note to shelf.



I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.



"I have a split personality" said Tom being Frank.

[Leicester Fan]

My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.

40 stone.




im in hospital waiting for my daughters test results after she swallowed lots of lego.

Im not worried but she's sh**ting bricks

[Hamish]

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

[Speedy]

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a Halloween lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!

I'll give you marks for working but you've mixed up your formulas

[Leicester Fan]

What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Wayne Bridge?

John Terry appreciates Wayne Bridge's misses.

[Future17]

"Wolfgang Mozart" said Mozart's friend to him. Then they were eaten by a gang of wolves.

[nonshinyfinish]

I'll give you marks for working but you've mixed up your formulas

I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.

(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)

[Speedy]

I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.

(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)

Is the correct answer.

Must've been a long day.

[matty_f]

I don't believe he has - the circumference of a circle = pi x the diameter.

(I'm assuming a spherical pumpkin.)

That's a crap joke.:rolleyes:

[nonshinyfinish]

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

[Hibrandenburg]

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

Ooh! Someone is well up to date on his quantum science. :-)

[H18SScottW]

I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly.

:LOL:



Two DJ's walking down the street ...

DJ 1: "Do you fancy going to the pictures tonight?"

DJ 2: "Dunno, who's the projectionist?"

[Caversham Green]

I ordered Pelican Curry but got a right shock when I saw the massive bill.

I had a Tarka Vindaloo.
Just like a Chicken Vindaloo, but it's 'otter.


Hospital visitor walks into a ward, goes up to the first bed and the patient says 'Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face'
Visitor says 'Aye,right' and goes to the next bed.
That patient says 'Wee sleekit cooerin' tim'rous beastie.'
Visitor turns to the nurse and says 'I take it this is a psychiatric ward?'
The nurse says:





'Naw it's the Burns unit.'

[Peevemor]

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a pint of lager and a mop.

[forthhibby]

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."

[R'Albin]

I had an argument with a Lolly pop lady today. She made me cross.

[The_Exile]

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

In the same vein as the above.........

Neutrino...................knock knock

[Hibrandenburg]

I had a Tarka Vindaloo.
Just like a Chicken Vindaloo, but it's 'otter.


Hospital visitor walks into a ward, goes up to the first bed and the patient says 'Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face'
Visitor says 'Aye,right' and goes to the next bed.
That patient says 'Wee sleekit cooerin' tim'rous beastie.'
Visitor turns to the nurse and says 'I take it this is a psychiatric ward?'
The nurse says:





'Naw it's the Burns unit.'

Like!

[nonshinyfinish]

In the same vein as the above.........

Neutrino...................knock knock

:rolleyes:

I heard that one next week.

[Kaiser_Sauzee]

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.

Let's wait for validation of the results, shall we?

VERY clever though. :thumbsup:

[Mixu62]

A woman walks into a butchers shop on a freezing winters day in Glasgow. Just as she enters, the butcher is coming out of the walk-in fridge and stands with his back to a heater. The woman looks at the meat on display and says, "it that your Ayrshire bacon?" The butcher replies, "naw, just tryin' tae warm ma hands up!"

[RigRoars]

A penguin walks into a bar.

Barman says 'can i help you'?

Penguin says 'I'm looking for my brother,have you seen him'?

Barman says 'what does he look like'?




Whats the difference between Mick Jagger and a sheep farmer from the the highlands?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey you get of a ma cloud'

Sheep farmer says ' Hey McLeod get of a ma Ewe'

[Dinkydoo]

Tea is for mugs.



-----------------------------

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

----------------------------

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

----------------------------

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off."

[TheUsualSuspect]

:not worth

A guy goes hunting in the woods.

As he's creeping through the undergrowth, he hears a rustling in the bushes up ahead. He can't see what's making the noise, but he fires just the same.............................................. ..

"Hey it's you AGAIN? You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"


:devil:

Doddie, I have to ask, are you sure that's not an autobiography? just that your sig picture looks like it has a 9ft grizzly bear on it.:devil:

Why is 10 afraid of 7?? 'Cause 7,8,9


A bear walks into a bar and the bar man goes "what ya want pal?"
Bear replies "a lager and a .................................................. .......................................whisky"
the bar man goes and gets the drinks when he gets back he goes to the bear "hey what's wi' the big pause???"
the bear replies "i was born with them" :taxi

[One Day Soon]

Bought a car off Bonnie Tyler the other week.

It's a great runner but every now and then it falls apart.

That's special by the way. love it

[Barney McGrew]

BBC News: An ultra-light plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.

Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction

[Skanko79]

Paul McCartney must be gutted, his new wife is already spending twice as much on shoes.........

[Andy74]

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"




A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

[Jim44]

A couple are having marital problems and go to see a marriage guidance councilor. He invites them to speak and the wife goes into a ten minute rant about her husband's faults such as lack of intimacy, understanding and love etc. The councilor stands and goes round to the woman and tells her to stand up. He takes her top off, fondles her breasts and gives her as big hug and kiss. He turns to the husband and says "Your wife needs that three times a week, can you manage that?" The husband hesitates and says " I can bring her round on Mondays and Wednesdays but I play golf on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday ..........."

[Leicester Fan]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. I won't say anything more about that white child, if you don't say anything more about that sheep."

[Leicester Fan]

A blokes enjoying a pint a bitter in a pub when a woman comes up to his table puts her backside over the glass and breaks wind. She then walks away and stands at the bar. The bloke goes up to her and says 'You fart in my Whitbread?'

She says 'No, I'm Tessa sanderson'

[Leicester Fan]

My friend's company selling large sheep went bust....

The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

[Leicester Fan]

Not really a joke, but not worth it's own thread.

http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/) touch the blue cup

[Future17]

Not really a joke, but not worth it's own thread.

http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/) touch the blue cup

That's genius. :thumbsup:

[HibeeMG]

There are 10 types of people in the world that understand binary. Those that do and those that don't. :cool2:

[R'Albin]

I can't believe theyfired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in :rolleyes:

[Leicester Fan]

I saw Suggs doing an advert the other day about kicking racism out of football.

That's madness gone politically correct

[nonshinyfinish]

I took the shell off of my racing snail to try to make him go faster.

If anything, it's made him more sluggish.

[jonty]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

[R'Albin]

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino walks into the bar.


In the same vein as the above.........

Neutrino...................knock knock

I get these now :greengrin

[snooky]

"I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

Stuart Francis on Mock the Week IIRC?

Original from the master of this kind of humour - Steven Wright
For more of his stuff...
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/steven_wright.html

[snooky]

:rolleyes:

I heard that one next week.

:greengrin :top marks Brill!


Irish divers have just reported that after all these years the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full of water.

[R'Albin]

I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.

[Future17]

I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day. Nothing too flashy.

:greengrin

[Caversham Green]

Van Gogh sitting in a pub. In walks Gauguin, spot VVG and says "Hi Vince, fancy a pint?"

Van Gogh says "No thanks, I've got one 'ere."

It's better spoken than read.

[forthhibby]

‎"Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace. Why haven't you read it?" "Sorry Miss. It's a long story."

[Hibrandenburg]

Knock knock. Who's there? A genuine neutrino.

[Sherlock Jones]

Never tell a secret to a peacock - they spread tails.

[R'Albin]

My mate bet me ten pound that I couldn't get some meat from a high shelve.

I said "No, the steaks are too high"

Better said aloud :wink:

[Scouse Hibee]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................


A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.






At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'



The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:



'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks'

[iwasthere1972]

I was offered "a good time" for £50 recently. I said to the girl your way too young and she replied how you know my name.

Boom boom.

[R'Albin]

How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb in a kitchen?

None, the bitch can cook in the dark.

[Sherlock Jones]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's great. In fact, I just can't put it down.

[steve75]

Did you hear Oxygen and Potassium went on a date?

It went OK.

[R'Albin]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

[R'Albin]

I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

[StevesFamau5]

The mrs asked me to whisper dirty things to her. Kitchen, bedroom and bathroom were not the right answers :D

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

[jonty]

My sister has a dead end job.

She's a prostitute in a cul-de-sac.

[Captain Trips]

Built a 10ft wall I was so happy with it I just could not get over it.

Got a job at a bed factory had to do 1 weeks lying time.

Had a window cleaning round was going well until I lost the rag.

[21.05.2016]

Your about as much use as Anne Franks drum kit . . .

[jonty]

Your about as much use as Anne Franks drum kit . . .
:tee hee:

[R'Albin]

My wife's just like Heather Mills.

She only wears half the ****ing shoes she buys.

[Sodje_18]

All the good Chemistry jokes Argon.

[alhibby]

I was driving to work this morning when I saw a sign saying 'Low Trees'.

So I stopped, got out and gave one a cuddle.

[iwasthere1972]

I got a new Hoover for the wife. Tell you the truth I would have swapped her for a second hand one.

[Squealing pig]

what do u call a dog with no tongue? stinky baws.

[Dinkydoo]

I'd been having trouble with my new IPhone until i changed the device name to "Titanic".......

It's syncing great now!

[Hibrandenburg]

When my Dr told me that they may have a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

[Peevemor]

When my Dr told me that they may have a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

:faf:

[forthhibby]

I've just invented a cure for cynicism...

I don't think it will work though.

[R'Albin]

Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes.

[Hibrandenburg]

Hearts fan has been admitted to A&E after inserting 7 "My little Pony" figures into his rectum. Doctors describe his condition as stable.

[alhibby]

When my Dr told me that they may have a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

Brilliant, made me LOL :thumbsup:

[Adam Green]

I was in the off licence earlier looking at what wine to buy.
There was a girl in there in front of me, only about 21, really good looking with a short skirt on.
She bent down to pick up a bottle and I saw she wasn't wearing any knickers.
She got a Merlot.
I got a Semillon.

[SRHibs]

So René Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Can I fix you a drink?” Descartes replies, “I think not”—and disappears.

[Hibrandenburg]

I've just been diagnosed with CDO. It's a bit like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be.

[Hibrandenburg]

Saw a car with the bumper sticker "I'm a vet and that's why I drive like an animal" today.

Suddenly it became clear to me just how many gynecologists are on our roads.

[hibby rae]

Pavlov's sitting in the pub when the telephone rings. "My God!" exclaims Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog!".

[snooky]

Pavlov's sitting in the pub when the telephone rings. "My God!" exclaims Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog!".

Away ye go man. Yer slaverin' :wink:

[blackpoolhibs]

Just heard Robert De Niro is to play the main character in the film of Harold Shipmans life, its called the old dear hunter.

[blackpoolhibs]

A Psychiatry student is sent to the mental hospital to evaluate 3 of the worst cases in the country. He's lead down a stairwell into the basement where there's three heavy locked iron doors. He unlocks the first and goes inside.

Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms like he's holding a bat.

"What are you doing" asks the student.

"I'm Babe Ruth and when I hit a home run, I'm getting out of here", replies the patient.

The student then goes into the 2nd room.

Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms like he has a golf club.

"What are you doing?" asks the student.

"I'm Arnold Palmer and when I get a hole in one, I'm getting out of here".

The student then goes into the third room.

When he walks into the room he sees a guy lying on a bed, completely naked, trying to balance a walnut on the end of his cock.

"What the hell are you doing???" asked the student.

The patient replied, "I'm ****ing nuts and I'm never getting out of here"

[PercyHibs]

One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

[Loopz]

Why do mice have small balls?




Because not very many of them are good dancers.

[hibby19]

Do I know any jokes about Sodium?

Na.

[Northernhibee]

I invented a new word today.

'Plaugurism'.

[Hibrandenburg]

A Roman walks into a bar and sticks the two fingers up at the barman and says "5 beers please".

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

A Roman walks into a bar and sticks the two fingers up at the barman and says "5 beers please".

Was that in The Centurion?

[easty]

A wee insect just flew straight at me and exploded.



I think it was a jihadi long legs.

[Scouse Hibee]

What do you call an itchy pig?..............A pork scratching

[Caversham Green]

There's a restaurant called Karma opened in Reading (that's true BTW). There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

Then there was the drunk circumcisionist who got the sack.

[Hiber-nation]

Then there was the drunk circumcisionist who got the sack.

:thumbsup:

Always reminds me of when my mate was trying to tell that one in the pub after he'd had a few and for the life of him he couldn't say "circumcisionist". :greengrin

[Hibrandenburg]

Was that in The Centurion?

:greengrin

[lord bunberry]

My mates bonsai tree business is doing so well that hes thinking of moving to smaller premises.
Every night before we go to bed my mrs puts on boxing gloves and i sing eye of the tiger, were going through a rocky patch at the moment.

[Sergey]

I signed up to a website for constipation but I'm having massive problems with the log out button

[over the line]

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician............ he worked it out with a pencil. :eek:

[over the line]

A while back a fella in my work got caught ****ging the exhaust pipe of a delivery waggon. He is HGV positive now!

[over the line]

What did the 0 (zero) say to the number 8? "Nice belt".

[Sir David Gray]

Two cows sitting in a field, how can you tell which one's on holiday?

It's the one with the wee calf.

[Mikey09]

Man goes into the Butchers, "Can I have a steak and kidley pie please?"
Butcher says, "You said kidley."
Man says, "No I Didley?!"

[matty_f]

There's a restaurant called Karma opened in Reading (that's true BTW). There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

Then there was the drunk circumcisionist who got the sack.

Or the great circumcisionist who got lots of tips.

[Hibrandenburg]

I signed up to a website for constipation but I'm having massive problems with the log out button

:greengrin

[Hiber-nation]

A while back a fella in my work got caught ****ging the exhaust pipe of a delivery waggon. He is HGV positive now!

Very good!

[Geo_1875]

Two cows sitting in a field, how can you tell which one's on holiday?

It's the one with the wee calf.

Please read the thread title. This attempt misses the mark by miles.

[Future17]

A wee insect just flew straight at me and exploded.



I think it was a jihadi long legs.

Delighted to see this thread return with a few crackers and that sir, is a belter! :thumbsup:

[MrRobot]

Why do ginger people have sore feet?





They have no souls.

[The_Exile]

Two cows sitting in a field, how can you tell which one's on holiday?

It's the one with the wee calf.

10 cows in a field, which one was heading off to the middle east?

Coo 8.

[Hibs Class]

There was a Buddhist who turned down an injection before his root canal treatment. His objective: transcend dental medication.

[Hibs Class]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those who don't.


There are 10 types of people in the world that understand binary. Those that do and those that don't. :cool2:

Binary isn't that hard, in fact it's as easy as 01 10 11

[Hibs Class]

Do I know any jokes about Sodium?

Na.

Sixteen sodium atoms walked into a bar......followed by Batman.

[rotherhamrob]

A wee insect just flew straight at me and exploded.



I think it was a jihadi long legs.

Ha ha thats a belter

[Sergey]

A guy asked if I'd be interested in a survey about reverse psychology.

I said, "No"

He said, "Great, question 1".

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Conjunctivitis.com

Thats a site for sore eyes

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

If I was a Tibetan man I'd back The Dalai Lama

[snooky]

If I was a Tibetan man I'd back The Dalai Lama

Sorry mate, you'd win Nepal. :wink:

[blackpoolhibs]

Was dragged along with the missus to watch the new fifty shades of grey movie last night, I was a bit reluctant to go but when I got there you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. In fact the place was buzzing.

[alhibby]

My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt."
Nice man. Made horrible tea.

[over the line]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary. :rolleyes:

[RamblingJack]

My mates just came back from West Africa,now he can't stop buying raffle tickets.......turns out he has the tombola virus.:greengrin

[blackpoolhibs]

Accidental Fart
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS... VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM ...HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM...IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT. YOU ARE GOING TO **** WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE

[Billy Whizz]

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

[Speedy]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

- Anyone can roast beef.

[over the line]

The fella who invented the throat sweet has just died. There will be no coffin' at his funeral. :rolleyes:

[snooky]

The man who wrote the "Hokey Cokey" died last week.
It was reported that they had a lot of trouble at the funeral parlour.
Every time they tried to put his right leg in .......

[Mixu62]

Saw a sign on a door outside easter road that said "press". So I did but nothing happened.

[Greentinted]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

- Anyone can roast beef.

:greengrin :aok:

[over the line]

How does the Sun cut his hair? E clips it! :rolleyes::)

[over the line]

The man who wrote the "Hokey Cokey" died last week.
It was reported that they had a lot of trouble at the funeral parlour.
Every time they tried to put his right leg in .......

An oldie but goody! :)

[sleeping giant]

A wee insect just flew straight at me and exploded.



I think it was a jihadi long legs.
Brilliant and choried :greengrin

[snooky]

Then there's was the masochist who liked a cold shower in the morning so he took a hot one.
(From 2 Ronnies, IIRC)

[Future17]

Adam Johnson's chances of being cleared of rape have improved. Sunderland have hired a Dick Advocaat.

[steve75]

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100...



She's a solid 10, but also imaginary.

[blackpoolhibs]

Bumped into Anne Budge at the weekend, i did not recognise her at first and asked where i knew her from. She replied i'm from Gorgie in Edinburgh.

I said thats nice, i hear some of the prettiest girls and some of the best rugby players in the world come from there.

She smiled and agreed, i then asked her what position she played.

[Mixu62]

Bumped into Anne Budge at the weekend, i did not recognise her at first and asked where i knew her from. She replied i'm from Gorgie in Edinburgh.

I said thats nice, i hear some of the prettiest girls and some of the best rugby players in the world come from there.

She smiled and agreed, i then asked her what position she played.

And did she stick her tongue out at you? (Budgies tongue....I'll get me coat).

[Mixu62]

Why can you not use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?
Cos they take things literally!!

[Hibrandenburg]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Coz he was looking for a fight.

[snooky]

Why can you not use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?
Cos they take things literally!!
:greengrin :aok:


I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I am neither for nor against apathy.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

[blackpoolhibs]

I hired a bike today for a ride around Blackpool,unfortunately one of the tyres started to go down so I called in somewhere to put some air in,he

charged me £2 ,I said it only use to be £1,he said '' THAT'S INFLATION FOR YOU​

[SuperAllyMcleod]

My humour used to be really self deprecating but I had to stop as I was rubbish at it.

[Jack]

OK I admit it.

I wasn't at the game on Saturday, I was at a yam wedding.

It was a traditional yam wedding ... where the main speech was
given by the father of the bride and groom.

[SuperAllyMcleod]

OK I admit it.

I wasn't at the game on Saturday, I was at a yam wedding.

It was a traditional yam wedding ... where the main speech was
given by the father of the bride and groom.

On that note - how do you know The Elephant Man was a yam?

Because he looks like one.

[Caversham Green]

I visited a zoo yesterday but all they had was a wee dog.

It was a shih tzu.

[sleeping giant]

My humour used to be really self deprecating but I had to stop as I was rubbish at it.

:faf:

[Mixu62]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean.

[--------]

Everything that goes up must come down - but there comes a time when not everything that's down is gonna come up.


Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Who has your dinner ready for you on the table, the TV turned to your favourite channel, and a freshly-made bed turned down and waiting?

It means you're in the wrong house.


Have I already posted my deja vu joke?


Sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope.

[snooky]

Everything that goes up must come down - but there comes a time when not everything that's down is gonna come up.


Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Who has your dinner ready for you on the table, the TV turned to your favourite channel, and a freshly-made bed turned down and waiting?

It means you're in the wrong house.

Have I already posted my deja vu joke?


Sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope.

George Burns' famous line IIRC

[--------]

George Burns' famous line IIRC


Indeed. But true of us all - eventually. :devil:

[sleeping giant]

Have I already posted my deja vu joke?




:faf:

[DH1875]

Indeed. But true of us all - eventually. :devil:

Not anymore, it doesn't :)

[snooky]

Not anymore, it doesn't :)

Warning! Keyboard hardman on line. :greengrin :wink:

[HibbyDave]

A man walked into a bar and shouted Ouch!...










It was an Iron Bar!








Did you hear about the homosexual ghosts?
They gave each other the willies!

[SuperAllyMcleod]

Indeed. But true of us all - eventually. :devil:

Yes, I was recently asked by a young lady half my age if I'd like to come up to her place for super sex.

I said, "If it's all the same to you, I'll have the soup".

[Future17]

Yes, I was recently asked by a young lady half my age if I'd like to come up to her place for super sex.

I said, "If it's all the same to you, I'll have the soup".

I remember that as a Reverend I M Jolly New Year classic. :greengrin

[Scouse Hibee]

I was once turned down by a girl when I asked her to dance, she said "no chance, I'm fussy who I dance with"

I responded with "Well I'm not, that's why I asked you"

[Onceinawhile]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.

Knock knock

Whose there?

The chicken.

[Craig_HFC]

Helium goes into a bar, and orders a drink. Barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases”. Helium doesn't react.

[Nevi_SOL]

What did the epileptic scotsman get for christmas

Wii fit

[TRC]

Man drives up to hooker she says 'i'll do anything for £50'
Great says the man drives her to his house and says 'if you start with stripping back the old paper then paint te walls white love that'd be great'

[Hiber-nation]

Man drives up to hooker she says 'i'll do anything for £50'
Great says the man drives her to his house and says 'if you start with stripping back the old paper then paint te walls white love that'd be great'

:thumbsup:

[Caversham Green]

The Germans think their sausage is the best in the world but it's actually the wurst.

[liamh2202]

How do you know if the shark chasing you is a drag queen ?


Da ra ,,,,,, da ra,,,,,,, da ra da da ( to yhe tune of I love you baby)

Not an easy one to write down but give it a go

[Scouse Hibee]

Bloke goes the toilet in the pub, after a couple of minutes the pub is silenced by an agonising ear splitting scream from the toilets. The barman doesn't bat an eyelid and carries on serving drinks. Someone says to him don't you think you should go and see what has happened? Nah he replied I know what's happened.......the toilet has been removed for repairs, that's the third bloke this week that has sat on the mop wringing bucket and pulled the handle to flush it!

[Hibrandenburg]

Guy with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks "do you have any flip flips? "

[#FromTheCapital]

What do you call half a rabbit?

Rab

[Mixu62]

My room-mate just called me scizophrenic

Ha!

Jokes on him.....I don't have a room-mate.

(Can't claim credit for this one, saw it somewhere else on-line and laughed but knew I shouldn't)

[Hibbyradge]

I think this qualifies! :faf:

In fact, I like it so much, I'm putting it in my signature! :greengrin

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/11987103_975094439177947_3172243071618663652_n.jpg ?oh=65018096193a2d9f98a545d5e9c7790e&oe=56A9CA47

[rodhibs55]

Muslims have invented an exploding prayer mat.

The profits are going through the roof.

[snooky]

My room-mate just called me scizophrenic

Ha!

Jokes on him.....I don't have a room-mate.

(Can't claim credit for this one, saw it somewhere else on-line and laughed but knew I shouldn't)

This one and the Kleptomanic joke are my favs - absolutely brilliant. :rotflmao: :top marks :applause:

[rodhibs55]

In a fit of rage, my wife shouted at me:
I'm married to an idiot.
I told her that was bigamy

[Hibrandenburg]

A jambo was explaining to a judge why he'd abused some sheep, "I did it because my mom and sister was away on holiday and I got lonely".

Judge: "Don't you mean 'were'?"

Jambo: "No."

[Scouse Hibee]

Was woken last night by some guy trying to steal my garden gate,I was going to shout at him from my bedroom window but didn't in case he took a fence.

[Hibrandenburg]

Just been down to Tescos to try and get a vampire costume for Halloween. When the girl gave me a Hearts strip I told her "you must have misheard me, I want to look like a Count".

[Mixu62]

Asked my local librarian if they had a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rings a bell but she's not sure if it's there or not.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

I was walking through the park when I lost my thesaurus yesterday, I can't find the words to explain how I feel.

[Squealing pig]

My brothers dog only understands commands in Spanish ..
He's espanyol

[Geo_1875]

I have Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.








I have a Czech one too...Czech one too...Czech one too....

[Geo_1875]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
















Dr Dre

[Future17]

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife hates that nickname.

[Geo_1875]

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife hates that nickname.

:thumbsup:

[sleeping giant]

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife hates that nickname.

:faf:

[Hibrandenburg]

I love this thread :greengrin

[Ianhibee]

Put bet on 3 horses today.
Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times
Not one bloody winner!
I blame it on the bookie.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[snooky]

I love this thread :greengrin

me 2 :aok:

[Moulin Yarns]

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."

THE. BEST. JOKE. EVER.

http://www.hibs.net/images/smilies/not%20worthy.gif

[sleeping giant]

Guy with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks "do you have any flip flips? "

That's a belter :faf: