Phil D. Rolls
08-12-2010, 11:18 AM
A Letter From Edinburgh
By Our Own Correspondent
As pictures of our snow laden Northern capital, reach you, you may be forgiven for thinking that Auld Reekie is shedding her dour image and embracing the leisure age. Certainly that’s what our nation’s rulers would have you believe.
Take Minister for Stooshies and Rammies, Hamish Jugears. “We think winter is the best time for people to be in Scotland, we are just sorry there is so much snow on the roads stopping them.
“Tomorrow I’ll be explaining why it is not my fault, but for the time being, all I can say is ‘a big boy did it and ran away”.
This was scant solace to South Edinburgh residents Roddy and Fiona Montpelier, who have been forced to endure each other’s company for the past four days.
“I suppose you just have to get on with it,” said Mr. Montpelier. “I have decided to work from home, watching Come Dine With Me. Besides, I can’t afford the cleaning bill for my Barbour jacket, so soon after the Rugby internationals”.
Meanwhile his wife, a successful consultancy consultant bemoaned the difficult driving conditions. “It’s all very well having a 4x4, but I don’t know how to change gear, and have difficulty seeing over the steering wheel at the best of times”.
The only comfort the couple were able to take was that their children remained trapped at their school.
In other parts of the city, pensioners face the daunting prospect that the Forelock Tuggers and Rearend Lickers Social Club remains closed. With limited access to the internet, many have resorted to calling each other on the telephone to complain about bogus calls on last week’s snowball.
“It’s not right, I’m a pensioner and I have contributed to this nation all my days. Why it is in such a state is beyond me, I blame the younger generation and their parents”, said a perpetually irate Mrs Agnes McYam of Stenhouse.
“They should do something about it”, she continued for a further three hours, before finally barking “who’s paying for this, not me I'm a pensioner you know”.
However the brunt of the hardship has fallen on the city’s poorest residents. Postal delays have led to many cancelling their pre Christmas shopping trips at the Florida mall, due to the late arrival of Provvy Cheques.
“It’s a disgrace, it really is,” rapped Franco McShane of Craigmillar. “There’s people who have worked really hard for this break. I’ll be on to the social as soon as the next time they call round. I’ve not got time to go trudging into town to sort this out, there’s a full calendar of racing at Kempton today”.
His wife, Beyonce, was equally scathing. “It’s easy for them driving to Waitrose in their big cars, that I wouldn’t want anyway, but will buy when I win the lottery. The likes of us have been living on Pot Noodles for the last week, seeing as the boay from the Happy Palace crashed his car on the ice”.
Panic has led to many shops being stripped of essential supplies. Billy Aziz, a trader in the North of the city reports supplies of White Lightning are getting perilously low. He has also been desperately trying to secure a delivery of Heinz tomato soup.
“You have to understand, many of my customers have become deskilled in essentials like cookery. Years of drug taking mean that a tin of soup may be their only source of nutrition”.
The City Council has issued fresh appeals for off duty social workers to come forward and provide humanitarian aid to the most deprived pockets of the Capital. There is an urgent need for cigarettes (essential balance aids for the poor as they negotiate the treacherous road to the shops); clean shell pant; baseball hats, and toilet paper.
“We particularly need the toilet paper”, said council media spokesperson, Chantelle Pilton-Muirhouse, “and if anybody knows how to wipe out clients’ backsides it would be gratefully appreciated”.
By Our Own Correspondent
As pictures of our snow laden Northern capital, reach you, you may be forgiven for thinking that Auld Reekie is shedding her dour image and embracing the leisure age. Certainly that’s what our nation’s rulers would have you believe.
Take Minister for Stooshies and Rammies, Hamish Jugears. “We think winter is the best time for people to be in Scotland, we are just sorry there is so much snow on the roads stopping them.
“Tomorrow I’ll be explaining why it is not my fault, but for the time being, all I can say is ‘a big boy did it and ran away”.
This was scant solace to South Edinburgh residents Roddy and Fiona Montpelier, who have been forced to endure each other’s company for the past four days.
“I suppose you just have to get on with it,” said Mr. Montpelier. “I have decided to work from home, watching Come Dine With Me. Besides, I can’t afford the cleaning bill for my Barbour jacket, so soon after the Rugby internationals”.
Meanwhile his wife, a successful consultancy consultant bemoaned the difficult driving conditions. “It’s all very well having a 4x4, but I don’t know how to change gear, and have difficulty seeing over the steering wheel at the best of times”.
The only comfort the couple were able to take was that their children remained trapped at their school.
In other parts of the city, pensioners face the daunting prospect that the Forelock Tuggers and Rearend Lickers Social Club remains closed. With limited access to the internet, many have resorted to calling each other on the telephone to complain about bogus calls on last week’s snowball.
“It’s not right, I’m a pensioner and I have contributed to this nation all my days. Why it is in such a state is beyond me, I blame the younger generation and their parents”, said a perpetually irate Mrs Agnes McYam of Stenhouse.
“They should do something about it”, she continued for a further three hours, before finally barking “who’s paying for this, not me I'm a pensioner you know”.
However the brunt of the hardship has fallen on the city’s poorest residents. Postal delays have led to many cancelling their pre Christmas shopping trips at the Florida mall, due to the late arrival of Provvy Cheques.
“It’s a disgrace, it really is,” rapped Franco McShane of Craigmillar. “There’s people who have worked really hard for this break. I’ll be on to the social as soon as the next time they call round. I’ve not got time to go trudging into town to sort this out, there’s a full calendar of racing at Kempton today”.
His wife, Beyonce, was equally scathing. “It’s easy for them driving to Waitrose in their big cars, that I wouldn’t want anyway, but will buy when I win the lottery. The likes of us have been living on Pot Noodles for the last week, seeing as the boay from the Happy Palace crashed his car on the ice”.
Panic has led to many shops being stripped of essential supplies. Billy Aziz, a trader in the North of the city reports supplies of White Lightning are getting perilously low. He has also been desperately trying to secure a delivery of Heinz tomato soup.
“You have to understand, many of my customers have become deskilled in essentials like cookery. Years of drug taking mean that a tin of soup may be their only source of nutrition”.
The City Council has issued fresh appeals for off duty social workers to come forward and provide humanitarian aid to the most deprived pockets of the Capital. There is an urgent need for cigarettes (essential balance aids for the poor as they negotiate the treacherous road to the shops); clean shell pant; baseball hats, and toilet paper.
“We particularly need the toilet paper”, said council media spokesperson, Chantelle Pilton-Muirhouse, “and if anybody knows how to wipe out clients’ backsides it would be gratefully appreciated”.