Post a Crap Joke

[Greentinted]

In order to lift my waning spirits I began to reminisce indulgently over some of the truly awful jokes I've heard. It worked, spirits lifted and my initial offering is:

What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe?

Rubberrrtoe (you have to say it in an exaggerated Italian accent)

There must be better (worse?) out there...

[Pretty Boy]

Why did the baby biscuit cry?

Because its Mum was a wafer too long.

:rolleyes::offski:

[hibeenicol]

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?



Because it was stuck to the chickens foot:greengrin

:offski:

[Lucius Apuleius]

Spell Hungry Horse in 4 letters.

MTGG.


What do you call a train that carries candy?

A choo choo.

[easty]

Whats the best kind of cheese for hiding a small horse?

Mascarpone.


What kind of cheese would you use to tempt a bear out of a tree?

Camembert. (said in a mockney accent!)


What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo.

[erin-go-bragh87]

Filled the tank up with petrol today.

Now all the fish are dead.

[Geo_1875]

Guy is charged with hitting his missus, again.
Judge says why do you keep beating your wife?
Guy says I've got a weight advantage and her defence is weak.

[Dinkydoo]

Why did the mushroom go to the party?


because he was a fun guy. :greengrin


Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

[deeks01]

2 muffins in an oven , one muffin says to the other muffin "gettin hot in here innit" to which the other muffin replies "AAARRRRGGGHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" :greengrin:

[Greentinted]

This works better when spoken:

Two nuns in the bath,
One says, where's the soap'
The other one replies 'Aye, it does, doesnt it''

[Ritchie]

What's blue and White and if it fell out a tree and hit you, you'd die??









A fridge with a denim jacket on.
:greengrin

[Ritchie]

What happened to the magic tractor??







It turned into a field....

[BS44]

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Damn.

[Hiber-nation]

I got stung by a bee the other day.
He charged me 20 quid for a jar of honey.

"She's a dark horse"
"Who's that then?"
"Black Beauty"

:bye:

[E.T. is a Hibee]

In order to lift my waning spirits I began to reminisce indulgently over some of the truly awful jokes I've heard. It worked, spirits lifted and my initial offering is:

What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe?

Rubberrrtoe (you have to say it in an exaggerated Italian accent)

There must be better (worse?) out there...

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke! If you letter finish the bottle she'll probably suck it aswell!

[JE89]

Why are there no bookies in China?

The Chineese don't like Tibet.

[MrRobot]

Whats brown and comes flying out a hole at 200mph ?





















Mouse on a motorbike.

[Mixu62]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Teo10]

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?!

He was outstanding in his field....

[Phil D. Rolls]

One of the other patients in my GP's waiting room made a point of asking everyone who came in what had been happening in their lives. He then went on to quiz them about significant events and how they had been affected by them. Occasionally he would invite a female patient to touch his thigh, and bat his eyelids at them.

I asked him why he had come to the surgery that morning.

Quick as a flash, he replied "I've got Parkinson's disease"!

I thaaaaank yew!!!

[Hiber-nation]

Little Johnny in class - teacher says "can anyone give me a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?

Johnny says "When the man next door was painting the fence with a one inch brush my Dad said it would take the contagious".

[Leicester Fan]

What has two legs and bleeds a lot? ..........



Half a cat !
__________________

[Hibs90]

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
..........

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three ****ing hours ago.
..........

:greengrin

[Bunter]

What do you call a blind stag?

No idea.

What do you call a blind stag with no legs?

Still no idea.


One of the other patients in my GP's waiting room made a point of asking everyone who came in what had been happening in their lives. He then went on to quiz them about significant events and how they had been affected by them. Occasionally he would invite a female patient to touch his thigh, and bat his eyelids at them.

I asked him why he had come to the surgery that morning.

Quick as a flash, he replied "I've got Parkinson's disease"!

I thaaaaank yew!!!
That's actually a good gag FR. It's patently on the wrong thread. :top marks

[H18SScottW]

Two DJ's are walking down the street and one says to the other

" Do you fancy going to the cinema?"

and the other replies

"I dunno, who's the projectionist?"

[HibeeB]

Two lions are walking down Prices Street on a Saturday afternoon.


One turns to the other and says "I though you said it would be busy".

[Hibrandenburg]

Tried to get in a party for over 21's at the weekend and was turned away at the door. Apparently I'm 2 inches too short.

[Dinkydoo]

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three ****ing hours ago.
..........



Have to say I thought that was an absolute belter! :faf:

[Hiber-nation]

2 guys in Curry’s looking at TVs. First guy said “That’s the one I’d get”.
Then Cyclops came round the corner and punched him in the face…

[Ross4356]

Who's the nicest guy in the hospital.....The ultrasound guy

[nonshinyfinish]

What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any station?

Thomas the ******.

[Hibs90]

As I pointed the gun at the baby, I decided to add to the dramatic atmosphere.

I said, "Any first words?"

[s.a.m]

What happened to the wee girl who felll asleep with her head under her pillow?




The fairies pulled all her teeth out.

[Hibbyhoff]

Who's the nicest guy in the hospital.....The ultrasound guy

and who takes his place when he's off?

......the hip replacement guy

[Whos-the-poster]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[Ritchie]

Who's the nicest guy in the hospital.....The ultrasound guy

Haha! Good show son!

How's the head?

[Ross4356]

Haha! Good show son!

How's the head?

Alright mate, im good thanks, head is fine, couple of cuts but they're almost gone. Was a good night though.

What you do after?

[MacBean]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
:top marks


Ritchie will appreciate this one :greengrin

[Hiber-nation]

What would ye do if a bird shat on yer heid?
Ah wouldnae go oot wi her

[weedgiehibbie]

Did you hear about the vegetarian that died?

Ther was a large Turnup at his funeral!!

[Sprouleflyer]

What do the donkeys on Blackpools pleasure beach get for lunch?


half an hour!

[Bookkeeper]

Whats got seven eyes and canny see?

3 blind mice and half a sheeps heid!

[Hiber-nation]

Apprentice at work on his first day, getting sent to the shops
Old gadge says "get ehs 20 Embassy Regal son"
"Whit if they've no got Regal" says the laddie
"Jist git me anythin son"
So he comes back with 2 hot pies.

[Leicester Fan]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?"

"Because the sh*t is running down my back!"

[Whos-the-poster]

I must admit I've got a thing for fat women


















It's called a gastric band

[Captain Trips]

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?





















He was in his cell.

[Leicester Fan]

Just bought 12 bottles of Tippex.












Huge mistake.

[Derek Dougan]

BRIAN


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
"Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."



Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."



Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
could do everything right."



Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."



Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan. "



Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing' widow."

[Coco Bryce]

Sliced bread.

The best thing since ripped up bread.

[Leicester Fan]

You wont hear from me for a while. I am being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.




So I gotta lilo.

[Pete]

I was lying asleep in bed when the phone went. I answered and the guy said nothing but "stand and deliver" over and over so I hung up.

A few minutes later the phone went again. It was the same guy..."stand and deliver" so once more I hung up.

Later on that night the phone went again. It was the same guy so I asked him to stop phoning me but he was adamant.

[Leicester Fan]

My racing snail wasn't doing too well, so I deciced to take his shell off to try and make him more aerodynamic..

It didn't work.
















If anything he looked more sluggish.

[.Sean.]

Wha do you call a fish with no eyes?


--------------------------------


A fsh.

[Sweep]

2 fish in a tank and one says to the other.

"how do you drive this thing" :greengrin

[Leicester Fan]

My missus was watching cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook".

She said, "You watch porn".

[Northernhibee]

George Michael has been taken to hospital with a chocolate bar up his arse.

It was a careless wispa.

[Sylar]

Cadbury's are in the market to derive an oriental chocolate bar...

It's called a Chinese Wispa :greengrin

(shamelessly stolen from the Fringe!).

[Scouse Hibee]

Two men walked into a bar................................you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

Cadbury's are in the market to derive an oriental chocolate bar...

It's called a Chinese Wispa :greengrin

(shamelessly stolen from the Fringe!).

Thats not quite the right wording but, that was voted the funniest joke at The Fringe, makes me glad I've not been to see anything!

[Scouse Hibee]

Landlord is proud of his newly refurbished toilet with novelty shaped WC's and invites his best customer to be the first to try them. Customer enters toilets and after about 5 minutes lets out an ear piercing scream and comes out rolling about the floor in agony

"What happened asked the landlord"................

"Your new ****** toilet crushed my nuts when I pulled the flush!" exclaimed the customer still rolling about in agony.

The landlord entered the toilet and returned shortly telling the customer..........
"That wasn't a toilet cubicle you idiot, that was the cleaners cupboard and you sat on the mop bucket and pulled the mop wringer handle"

[Hibrandenburg]

Landlord is proud of his newly refurbished toilet with novelty shaped WC's and invites his best customer to be the first to try them. Customer enters toilets and after about 5 minutes lets out an ear piercing scream and comes out rolling about the floor in agony

"What happened asked the landlord"................

"Your new ****** toilet crushed my nuts when I pulled the flush!" exclaimed the customer still rolling about in agony.

The landlord entered the toilet and returned shortly telling the customer..........
"That wasn't a toilet cubicle you idiot, that was the cleaners cupboard and you sat on the mop bucket and pulled the mop wringer handle"

Think we might have found the new Stan Boardman, now where can we dispose of him. :greengrin

[wpj]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

dyslexic pimp opened a warehouse

[Northernhibee]

Did you hear about the man who had unprotected phone sex?

He got hearing aids.

[Peevemor]

Two elephants fell of a cliff.

Boom boom!

[yeezus.]

Last night I met a girl who said she wanted to be "treated like a Princess", so I put her in a black Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

[Scouse Hibee]

Mate asks how my grandad is since he went into a nursing home, "he's like a fish out of water" I replied

Mate says "sorry to hear that, can he not settle?"

I reply "He's dead"

[Treadstone]

Two elephants fell of a cliff.

Boom boom!

Was that the same two that couldn't go swimming as they only had one pair of trunks ?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI

I'm here all week.

[easty]

What does Jay Z say when his local ice-cream van has run out of Flakes?




I've got 99 problems...

[Dunderhall]

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked to death on his own vimto.

[nonshinyfinish]

Thats not quite the right wording but, that was voted the funniest joke at The Fringe, makes me glad I've not been to see anything!

Every year an utterly mediocre joke is voted 'funniest joke of the Fringe', if these jokes genuinely were the funniest then they'd be as well shutting the whole thing down. Fortunately they're not.

[blackpoolhibs]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

[HibeeB]

dyslexic pimp opened a warehouse

That's no fair. I'm dsilecksick and I'm a member of our national agency.

Contact me at DNA.co.uk