one liners

[H18sry]

well sort of :wink:


I’ve just come out of the ‘chippy’ with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’.. I told him ‘I wish I had your will power’

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it
did.

A fat bird served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time; she said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said ‘don’t worry fatso, you’ll
lose it eventually’

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself ‘she’ll be lucky with a face like that!’

I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,
this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’

Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor away’. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, ****** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Godsahibby]

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Doc - I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night