Separated Parents!

[HIBERNIALEITH]

I'll try to cut the story short! (Yeah I know it will be a boys points of view via Girls...but I want both).

My partner and I came back to Scotland last Dec and he had to leave 1 week earlier than I. He gave me a couple of ultimatums. stop drinking, stop smoking, and most of all stop calling my family and friends back home (we lived in Spain at the time) then I could go back and live with him and our child! (He's not Spanish by the way). Anyway. I finally chose to stay here with family and friends as he didn't want me to make friends over there either! He still lives there.

At the time my son was 9 weeks old (he never "got involved" as he worked all day [and night] he has spent a week in Feb and a week in Nov here (still not really getting involved in the day-to-day stuff) but he is asking me that because he gives me [£200] a month, he wants to come over and take my son away for a few days (my son doesnt even know him). Obviously I have said no, as he doesn't know him, now he is accusing me of not allowing him to bond with his son! It was him that stopped us going "back home"!
What does everyone else think on this?

[CropleyWasGod]

Life, eh?

Normally, I would say... everybody's situation is different, and it's none of my business to comment on what is probably more complicated than you can put down in half-a-dozen lines.

However, as a general principle, here's my tuppence-worth. Dad is Dad, and there is a bond there that is unbreakable, between you and him, and between him and the wee one. If you can get your head around that... and it is not easy, I know...then things will work themselves out more easily.

IMO, Dad should be given the chance to bond with the wee one. Credit to him for at least appearing to want to. Time will tell how serious he is. Time will also tell whether the wee one wants that to continue.

Good luck :agree:

[Woody1985]

Sounds live you've done the right thing to me. He also sounds a bit strange by trying to cut you off from your family.

Did you suddenly take up smoking and drinking after you met? Sounds like he wants you to bow to his every whim and control you.

[Twa Cairpets]

Sounds live you've done the right thing to me. He also sounds a bit strange by trying to cut you off from your family.

Did you suddenly take up smoking and drinking after you met? Sounds like he wants you to bow to his every whim and control you.

Almost impossible to make any judgement on this whole thread, because it is a tiny soundbite of the situation, but I think the bit in bold is a bit harsh.

If the OP was on a bottle of Vodka a day, then asking to quit isnt unreasonable. If shes on 60 fags a day in the house around the kid, then again, not an issue to ask to give it up. If massive mobile phone bills are being run up, then it might be reasonable to cut it out.

I'm not saying that is what was happening, but with what there is by way of info, its impossible to make a snap judgement.

However, unless there is a danger to the kid, then access should be granted. The fact he's paying is a bonus shouldnt really come into it, but it does at least show intent. The alterntaive is to deny access, run up big legal bills, create a bad situation that will be resented by everyone in the future. Seems a no brainer to me.

[IndieHibby]

I smoke (I quit for 8 months then recently picked it up again -:grr:) and my partner has said that if I don't quit (I will - :wink:) she might not stay with me.

I think it's a perfectly reasonable position to take, in the long run, statistically, it will probably kill me (and probably adversely affect our future mini-hibbies, if nothing other than to encourage them to do it).

Plus it stinks!

The phoning home thing has to be qualified with why he is making this demand - on the face of it it sounds entirely unreasonable, but you have omitted to mention (or haven't asked him) why he wants this (money?, length of time on the phone away from him?, access to the phone for himself?, does it contribute to home-sickness?)

Unless he is a t-totaller and/or you are a heavy drinker, or he feels that your drinking will set a bad example to your children, then I can't see why he would have a reasonable cause to demand this of you. Again, you should probably qualify this point with more detail if you want people to advise you.

Or maybe he is asking things of you that he knows you cannot/will not be able to do as a way of ending a relationship without addressing the real reason for splitting?

Your post raises more questions than answers, I'm afraid.

[Dinkydoo]

Taking what you've said at 'face-value', he appears to be a complete bell-end, but none the less he has the right to see his child. If there isn't any consistancey or if there are other reasons that develop further down the line that could be 'threatening' to the childs health, then I think you'd be justified in making a decision around letting him see his kid.

But then again, the best way to go about it is through the courts, so it's all legitimate and if there is anything that you're hiding, they'll most likely find out.

That is my partly informed opinion on the matter, I'm not trying to be nasty but how can we possibly know that you're telling the whole truth...?

There is always two sides to every story and to be frank I don't think that strangers are the best people to ask for advice in what is a very personal matter that concerns someone who (so far) hasn't had the chance to have a say (on here).

[RyeSloan]

I think this one is quite clear cut....staying away from the reasons the two of you are seperated and live in different countries, the guy is still the father of the child.

He pays maintenance and your view that he doesn't get involved enough may well be an accurate one but that should not be used as a reason to prevent him seeing his son or spending some time with him, in fact it is the opposite...if he wants to take him for a few days it should be encouraged otherwise how esle will he ever get to know his son or understand what you face day in day out in being his primary carer.

As long as you trust in the fact that he is capable of looking after a child of that age and that he will not do anything daft like try to keep him then I think you should let him be a father for once.

[Phil D. Rolls]

There is always two sides to every story and to be frank I don't think that strangers are the best people to ask for advice in what is a very personal matter that concerns someone who (so far) hasn't had the chance to have a say (on here).

:agree:

It's a very difficult thing to discuss even when all the "facts" are known. I hope it sorts itself out so that everyone involved can look to the future.

[truehibernian]

On a more practical and clinical note, seek legal advice before agreeing to anything. Given he is resident in Spain, and you don't specify where he wants to take the child for a few days, there are possible minefield ramifciations if he were to take the child back to Spain and refuse to come back. You may have to go down extradition legisaltion etc. Try and get a Minute of Agreement drawn up (which is relatively cheap) between legal representatives and possible forfeiture of his passport when he has the child (if you agree and allow contact in this country). Sounds harsh but you need to take advice in my opinion before agreeing to any contact given the time it's taken for him to try and see the wee one.