Unhelpful and Unofficial World Cup 2018 Thread

[Eyrie]

I'm looking forward to One Day Soon's running commentary right up to the final on 15 July.

[jacomo]

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By the way lads, I made the mistake of watching the highlights again of THAT Italy v South Korea game earlier today followed by the next round game of South Korea against Spain. I'm more or less back up to DEFCON 1 with the Koreans again because of it. They're right in the mix again with the Uruguayans for most despised football shame.

Po’ wee Italy.

The chivalrous gentlemen of International football, who would simply never resort to the dark arts to gain an advantage, and abhor cheating in all its forms.

[Diclonius]

Are Radio Times doing a wall chart this year? It wouldn't feel right if they weren't.

[Stranraer]

England won't make it past the 2nd round. That's both my hope and prediction.

[One Day Soon]

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Po’ wee Italy.

The chivalrous gentlemen of International football, who would simply never resort to the dark arts to gain an advantage, and abhor cheating in all its forms.

That's Korean talk. Fool.

[jacomo]

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That's Korean talk. Fool.

Can’t speak Korean. But I’m partial to a bit of kimchi and hot barbecue if that helps?

[One Day Soon]

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Can’t speak Korean. But I’m partial to a bit of kimchi and hot barbecue if that helps?

I think you'll find you can create an excellent Korean/Ecuadorian fusion. It's fairly straightforward:

Ingredients:

One bent ref
A suitcase of used cash (dollars are best but other currencies can be used to taste)
Hookers (optional)

Method:

First catch your ref.
Slowly marinate your referee in a climate of 'no-one will ever know' but make sure not to over cook it otherwise it is liable to become grasping and greedier.
Next you will need to place the carefully washed cash into either a bank account or better still just leave it to infuse in a hotel room with the referee, allowing the seductive smells to circulate. You can, if you wish, garnish with hookers at this point but it's not essential. If you don't garnish your referee with hookers it could separate from the deal while cooking but its much more likely to just self garnish afterwards using the cash provided.
Finally you will need to serve the referee in a high pressure situation. This may require the further application of 'coca' but again it will probably just self administer.

However this cannot be cooked in a conventional oven. You will need one of those special giant blind eye ones that FIFA supply. I believe they're about $1 million and widely available from any disreputable FIFA General Secretary.

Note: This version will provide one disallowed completely onside goal, an unlimited number of unpunished violent assaults and of course a farcical red card. Should you however wish to cook the more complicated advanced version which is a Korean/Egyptian fusion for a next round Spanish audience you will need to allow for two outrageous disallowed goals plus automatic offside decisions for all Spanish forwards in almost every situation. This will probably require a Blatter but I'm not sure that particular ingredient is still available and even if it was it needs to be soaked in cash for many, many years before it can be used.

[therealgavmac]

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It's all been downhill since Clovis if you ask me.

Ive never liked that whole meal bread.......

[One Day Soon]

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I'm looking forward to One Day Soon's running commentary right up to the final on 15 July.

You literally asked for it so this seems a good time to take cynical stock with the match reports that matter.


Russia 5 Saudi Arabia 0

A great result. Only a beginning in terms of the utter ignominy that needs to be heaped upon the Saudis for their past indiscretion. Not quite the 'all of their players being sent off in every game' I was hoping for but certainly losing 5 nil to the wall of underachievement that is Russia is a satisfying start.


Egypt 0 Uruguay 1

Much more difficult territory. There's just no circumstance in which Uruguay winning is a good thing. They were pi5h all game and then they steal a win when Egypt deserved at least a draw. That thug Ramos is to blame. Gutted not to be able to celebrate a headline of Gauchos Horsed by Camels but you can't have everything. On the plus side Suarez looked like Barry Lavety minus the pace. Barring the chompy one going all Walking Dead on his squad mates during the night it's hard to see how they won't make it out of their group.


Morocco 0 Iran 1

What the actual ****?


Portugal 3 Spain 3

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah. Could Iran somehow benefit from the remaining games in their group and pick up a draw against either Portugal or Spain to put one of them out? Oh I hope so, I sincerely hope so. Oh and there was a game with some goals in it apparently.


Tomorrow's schedule of games look pretty promising and I am sure that like me you will all be honorary Peruvians when the time comes for the biggest match of the tournament so far.

Plus there's every hope that France will splutter incoherently against the football version of beige that is Australia.

[Eyrie]

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You literally asked for it so this seems a good time to take cynical stock with the match reports that matter.

Much obliged

[Craig_HFC]

I love this thread.

[Cardinal Hibernian]

Now I know that Hibernian had a great season but bloody hell I missed the bit where they qualified for the World Cup. Not a great start though ...

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[One Day Soon]

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Now I know that Hibernian had a great season but bloody hell I missed the bit where they qualified for the World Cup. Not a great start though ...

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Completely unacceptable from Lennon. The Russians were there for the taking and we literally did not show up. I can't be the only one who didn't see the likes of McGinn, Allan or Kamberi touch the ball even once.

If they think I'm renewing my season ticket for Saudi Hibernian next year on this performance they're kidding themselves.

[One Day Soon]

Well France v Australia was pretty much what was to be expected there.

The Gallic flair is talked up, the expectations are high, everything is in place to deliver excellence and then it turns out they're just French. Like a sniffy surly waiter in a Parisian restaurant - the job's done but not in any way that's enjoyable.

With some of the names in that game it should have been an entertainment fest. "I'm just going to Nabbout for a Kruse, hoping to pick up some Umtiti." That sort of thing.

Instead we get a match where the high points are all about body hair. The splendid barking beardiness of Jedinak and the bald shackling of Didier Drogba. He seems all Drog and no ba without his locks.

And finally, Australia fielded Sainsbury. Perfect, a name that sums up the bland overrated Kangaroo boys just right. Oh well, as The Kooks once sang: "moving on to better things..."

[One Day Soon]

Wow. Peru have really upped the off the pitch game spectacularly having seen their twitter post to Australia as just shown on the BBC. That's the first football thing to make me go wet-eyed since any 21 May related coverage. Truly a thing of some beauty and a must watch if you've not seen it already.

Here it is: https://twitter.com/seleccionperu/st...143296?lang=en

Mon the Peru. I think they're translating that in their post to Arriba Peru!

[HUTCHYHIBBY]

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And finally, Australia fielded Sainsbury. Perfect, a name that sums up the bland overrated Kangaroo boys just right. Oh well, as The Kooks once sang: "moving on to better things..."

Bundy over proof drinking gallahs! :-)

[jacomo]

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Completely unacceptable from Lennon. The Russians were there for the taking and we literally did not show up. I can't be the only one who didn't see the likes of McGinn, Allan or Kamberi touch the ball even once.

If they think I'm renewing my season ticket for Saudi Hibernian next year on this performance they're kidding themselves.

Gubbed.

And what was that with Petrie and the weird robes he was wearing? Smirking away with Putin like he didn’t have a care in the world. GTF.

[One Day Soon]

And now for today's World Cup briefing.

I had been looking at the ball they're using - it vaguely reminded me of my favourite one from the 1970 finals.

It turns out that Adidas designed this one deliberately to echo the first one they made, produced for Mexico '70. That version was the gorgeous black and white panelled 'Telstar', a ball that seemed to fly through the air with a beauty not since matched.

If you are as sad as me and want to know more you can find it here: http://www.soccerballworld.com/HistoryWCBalls.htm

Sometimes there's more to the World Cup than the football........like the football for example.

[blackpoolhibs]

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Well France v Australia was pretty much what was to be expected there.

The Gallic flair is talked up, the expectations are high, everything is in place to deliver excellence and then it turns out they're just French. Like a sniffy surly waiter in a Parisian restaurant - the job's done but not in any way that's enjoyable.

With some of the names in that game it should have been an entertainment fest. "I'm just going to Nabbout for a Kruse, hoping to pick up some Umtiti." That sort of thing.

Instead we get a match where the high points are all about body hair. The splendid barking beardiness of Jedinak and the bald shackling of Didier Drogba. He seems all Drog and no ba without his locks.

And finally, Australia fielded Sainsbury. Perfect, a name that sums up the bland overrated Kangaroo boys just right. Oh well, as The Kooks once sang: "moving on to better things..."

Crap game, made even worse with Lawrensons rambling, if i hear that prick one more time i swear Aldi time.

[One Day Soon]

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Gubbed.

And what was that with Petrie and the weird robes he was wearing? Smirking away with Putin like he didn’t have a care in the world. GTF.

I know right? Those SFA blazers have really taken the pomp way over the top with that get up.

[One Day Soon]

Sweet. More Gauchos, this time versus Vikings.

Come on The Argentine. Mind you those strips are minging. Borges would be disgusted. On the other hand the Argie flag is one of the world's best.

To be honest I think Iceland are significantly under-bearded in this tournament and Messi's one looks to me like an attempt to play mind games with the longship men on that score. Though it is a weird mixture of Alf Tupper hair and half developed beard.

Iceland of course famously have a national anthem that sounds like a composer started work on it and lost interest after half an hour cos there was footie on the telly instead.

Let's see.

[One Day Soon]

Right lads, I'm adding a new feature from Argentina v Iceland onward: Christian name first elevens.

Argentina: Willy, Nicolas, Nicolas, Marcos, Eduardo; Javier, Lucas; Maximiliano, Lionel, Angel; Sergio

Iceland: Hannes; Kari, Birkir Mar, Ragnar, Hordur Bjorgvin; Johann Berg, Aron, Emil; Bikir, Alfred, Gylfi.

So, Argentina fielding the cast of a Che Guevara biopic against an Icelandic lineup that sounds like it knows how to break down a monastery door if it really needs to.

Verdict: Che has guns and a motorbike but, Vikings have Berserkers. Draw.

[One Day Soon]

More on Peru. Is there a more compelling World Cup story? The link below is to the BBC's report yesterday on their captain.

Cocaine, the captain & the frozen mummies: Paolo Guerrero's World Cup journey

[JeMeSouviens]

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More on Peru. Is there a more compelling World Cup story? The link below is to the BBC's report yesterday on their captain.

Cocaine, the captain & the frozen mummies: Paolo Guerrero's World Cup journey

They’ve made a video introducing themselves to France, brilliant stuff.


https://youtu.be/M1t3AO__lTM

[One Day Soon]

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Right lads, I'm adding a new feature from Argentina v Iceland onward: Christian name first elevens.

Argentina: Willy, Nicolas, Nicolas, Marcos, Eduardo; Javier, Lucas; Maximiliano, Lionel, Angel; Sergio

Iceland: Hannes; Kari, Birkir Mar, Ragnar, Hordur Bjorgvin; Johann Berg, Aron, Emil; Bikir, Alfred, Gylfi.

So, Argentina fielding the cast of a Che Guevara biopic against an Icelandic lineup that sounds like it knows how to break down a monastery door if it really needs to.

Verdict: Che has guns and a motorbike but, Vikings have Berserkers. Draw.

[One Day Soon]

Peru v Argentina Christian names first eleven

Peru: Pedro; Christian, Miguel, Luis, Alberto, Edison, Andre, Renato, Yoshimar, Christian; Jefferson

Denmark: Kasper; Simon, Jens, Andreas, Henrik; Yussuf, Christian, William, Pione, Thomas; Nicolai

This one has the feel of a Peruvian line-up drawn from the male characters in magical surrealist fiction novel, while the Danes have gone for a much more straightforward gigantic boy band 11.

Verdict: The surrealists can produce spontaneous tigers and other fabled creatures, the boy band have pretty haircuts and ultra white t-shirts. Peru win.

[Mixu62]

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Now I know that Hibernian had a great season but bloody hell I missed the bit where they qualified for the World Cup. Not a great start though ...

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Come on Saudi Hibernia, gie yersels a sheik.

[One Day Soon]

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Colombia:

Mate, you’ve got some talcum powder all over your nose. You can certainly play, but then again you’re just as likely to start a gunfight on the pitch if it’s all going a bit Escobar for you.

Ahem...

[Hibrandenburg]

The Japanese are nippy wee players. You can see by their well organised pass and move game that the 7 players with clubs in Germany are having a big impact on their style of play.

[Eyrie]

Hopeful bump.