Unhelpful and Unofficial World Cup 2018 Thread

[One Day Soon]

So with time on my hands and inspired by the Argentina ’78 thread here is a completely unhelpful personal perspective on the competitors in the 2018 world cup finals.

Argentina:

Not quite a one man band, but good as that one man is he tends to struggle at international level without the Barca machine wrapped around him. Don’t often do tournament travel well outside of South America. Most likely to: go down playing glorious football or completely damp squib it.

[One Day Soon]

Australia:

It’s a bit like the Vinnie Jones era Wimbledon qualified for the World Cup. Don’t go there.

[One Day Soon]

Belgium:

Chocolate aside, this team may be the first decent thing this country has produced in its entire history. Can a country that feels like Europe’s motorway service station on the way to somewhere else win it? Ask supporters of Man C, Man U and Napoli.

[One Day Soon]

Brazil:

Ooh, it’s Brazil. Flair, swoon, samba. Boll***s to that, never forgiven them for the 1970 finals – which I can STILL remember watching as a five year old - where heat and altitude was in their favour and frankly one of their goals looked suspiciously offside to me. The most important thing about Brazil? Horsing them in the greatest World Cup game ever in Spain in ’82 on route to winning it. Stick that right up your Rio de Janeiro. Good enough to beat us in three out of four world cup meetings.

[One Day Soon]

Colombia:

Mate, you’ve got some talcum powder all over your nose. You can certainly play, but then again you’re just as likely to start a gunfight on the pitch if it’s all going a bit Escobar for you.

[One Day Soon]

Costa Rica:

Basically a country straight out of the magical surrealist writing of Gabriel Garcia Marquez that I’m not entirely sure really exists. I’m still not really sure what the Carabao Cup is but Costa Rica should probably be in that instead. Good enough to beat us in our 1990 world cup encounter though.

[One Day Soon]

Croatia:

The Guns and Roses of World Cup football, but mostly the Guns part. They’re that guy on a night out who should have no chance with the girls but who somehow keeps clicking. One of those nations where the mullet is still revered.

[One Day Soon]

Denmark:

It’s as if someone has taken bits of Germany, Sweden and Norway and created a deeply unsatisfying amalgam of the dullest parts of all three. What can you say about Denmark that hasn’t been not worth saying before? Good enough to beat us in our 1986 world cup encounter though.

[One Day Soon]

Egypt:

Mo Salah, camels, dictatorships and pyramids. But only one of those will be playing for Egypt (maybe). A brilliant player but can he win it for them all on his own? Can he fu**.

[One Day Soon]

England:

There is only one serious question to be asked about England’s chances - if England triumph would Gareth Southgate be the most plug manager ever to win the World Cup. Yes, yes he would. Can they do it? Let’s hope so, Putin would **** cacti if they did. Thankfully we’ve never had to play them in a world cup.

[One Day Soon]

France:

Hey Zizou, Marco Materazzi says hello. Good enough to beat us 2-1 in the 1958 finals.

[One Day Soon]

Germany:

Ah Germany. The old enemy. The eternal foe. Impossible not to have a sneaking admiration for their relentless organisation, tournament guile, methodical application. It’s a bit like Italy decided to play in white, without swagger, with no epic squad/football association scandal - and made a point of trying to wind up the Dutch. When Germany come to play every other country in Europe should be nervous…Never beaten us in the finals.

[One Day Soon]

Iceland:


Totally barking mad Vikings. I think they actually still use longships. Possibly the best international crowd chanting of all time. Garbage pizza though.

[One Day Soon]

Iran:

Definitely there on merit. Nothing at all to do with a ludicrous group system that guarantees some utterly chronic football nations get to qualify. Will totally not play an ultra defensive, dull Greek style of non-football. Ouzo-tastic. Do NOT mention 1978.

[One Day Soon]

Japan:

Traditionally a nation that is capable of fielding only one kind of tournament haircut. It’s that slightly weird vertical boy band big hair. Most closely associated with co-hosting THAT World Cup with South Korea in which the worst ever finals refereeing performance took place. Extra time and the golden goal rule kicks in for Italy v South Korea. Tommasi scores for Italy. Game over, except the ‘referee’ rules it offside, which it wasn't. He starts looking shifty. He gives a second yellow to Totti for diving, except he had clearly been fouled. Totti is sent off and with three minutes left, the Koreans score. All of which is to say that the ref was a cheat, the Koreans were cheating and Japan are lumped in with them in my book for just being there.

[One Day Soon]

Mexico:

Nope. Not going to happen. A team that will always, always ultimately choose siesta over fiesta when it comes to doing it in a major competition. Nice food but no staying power.

[One Day Soon]

Morocco:

Wait, what? Morocco FFS? Play it again Sam, because you’ll need to. This team is going nowhere ever, maybe not today or tomorrow but soon and for the rest of their footballing lives. Good enough to humiliate us 3 –0 last century though which was when we were most recently in a world cup finals.

[One Day Soon]

Nigeria:

Does this side want to offer you a share of a $6,000,000 fortune that was left to them by their late father before he was wrongly imprisoned and died and for which all they need is your bank details? No, no they don’t. Because they’d prefer to play you’re a** off in the old Brazilian style. Very capable of doing it but just as capable of going all Mission Impossible and self-destructing within 5 seconds of kick off.

[One Day Soon]

Panama:

It’s a canal. It’s a cigar. It’s a hat. It’s a Van Halen single. It’s not a serious football side. Thank God we’ve never played them in the finals otherwise I’d probably be typing that they were still good enough to beat us 4-0 …

[One Day Soon]

Peru:

Teofilio Cubillas. I’ll be lying down in a dark room and twitching if you need me. Ally Fu**ing MacLeod. Who puts fu**ing Lou Macari on the end of a wall for Christ’s sake? Or even anywhere in it? Good enough to…well, you know the rest.

[One Day Soon]

Poland:

Poland playing in a World Cup hosted by Russia, what could possibly go wrong? This is a country that’s been waiting decades and decades to shove it up both its Eastern and Western neighbours – with some decent players who is to say they won’t manage to cause some serious grief?

[One Day Soon]

Portugal:

Ronaldo plays for them, let’s hope they lose very game 10 nil.

[One Day Soon]

Russia:

Their main striking threat is the newly emerged Novichok. He doesn’t have a club but he’s pretty deadly in attack. Knows how to take out opponents and brilliant at calming referees with lines like” I didn’t go in studs up, Britain did it.” As tournament hosts they will have the natural advantage that their legions of para-military football thugs can get home for dinner most evenings.

[One Day Soon]

Saudi Arabia:

Oh aye, every one of those under 16 year old team players were definitely totally under 16 in that Hampden World Cup final versus Scotland. And no way was one of your team a married father of three and a Saudi Army Captain. Let’s hope all your players are sent off in every game.

[One Day Soon]

Senegal:

I know literally nothing about Senegal. So they’ll probably win it.

[One Day Soon]

Serbia:

Generals. Colonels. It’s not pretty. More mullet lovers. Can beat anyone when they feel like it though.

[One Day Soon]

South Korea:


Mother-******s. See Japan above.

[One Day Soon]

Spain:


Since I regard Spain as basically being Real Madrid in drag I can only wish ill for them. Love, absolutely love, a dive. One day Italy will avenge that 2012 Euro final – I hope I’m around to see it. They could win this, all decent minded people must surely hope not.

[One Day Soon]

Sweden:


Any more than one Nordic nation in a World Cup finals is essentially, in my view, just pointlessly keeping a better international side from gracing the field. What can we say about Sweden? Well at least they’re not Denmark. That’s pretty much it. But wait a minute, bugger me. We’ve found the one team in these finals that Scotland have actually previously managed to beat. At Italy ’98 with a 2-1 victory. IKEANNY believe it!

[One Day Soon]

Switzerland:

A nation to be welcomed to any tournament if only for the outstanding work of Theodor Tobler and his masterful creation in 1902 of the world’s greatest chocolate bar. Possible dark (also available in milk and white) horses for the later rounds. William Tell, neutrality, hidden wealth and cheese - none of which suggest a great football pedigree. Can yodel the hell out of anything though.