Guy is getting interviewed for a job as a bus driver in Glasgow:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Cold morning in Glasgow and a woman enters a butchers shop to find the butcher standing with his back to a heater. Asks him about the meat on display "is that yer ayrshire bacon?" Butcher replies, "naw just warmin' ma hauns up".