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  1. #1

    Spouse behaviour. Opinions wanted

    On Sunday about 4 my wife said she haf a client interested in some business and was meeting for coffee ten miles away.

    i discovered on her return much later she had no paperwork and couldn't n the info available done anything at all. Basically a call or text would have been enough.

    later after my querying her she said it was an old colleague.

    Then a male colleague. He is single and ages with her. I then discover they text. Then they pub it every Friday. Then she says they are close friends. I say im not happy at all with this.She says not negotiable. Then i discover he might be moving to her work and be her partner in the office.

    TBH i ain't happy
    Any thoughts?


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  3. #2
    Testimonial Due Future17's Avatar
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    Wow, was half-expecting a "Pet Peeves" style thread when I saw the title.

    Has she offered any explanation as to why she lied to you initially? Have you had any issues previously with accusations of infidelity?

    I ask mainly because, had she been 100% honest from the start with the information you've since discovered, I personally wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she felt the need to conceal it strikes me as being odd.

  4. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Future17 View Post
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    Wow, was half-expecting a "Pet Peeves" style thread when I saw the title.

    Has she offered any explanation as to why she lied to you initially? Have you had any issues previously with accusations of infidelity?

    I ask mainly because, had she been 100% honest from the start with the information you've since discovered, I personally wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she felt the need to conceal it strikes me as being odd.
    Thanks. Still reeling a bit.

  5. #4
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stuart-farquhar View Post
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    Thanks. Still reeling a bit.
    If it was me I would ask her how she would feel if it was the other way around.

  6. #5
    @hibs.net private member speedy_gonzales's Avatar
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    I can understand you not being happy, there's an element of dishonest/secretive behaviour. There's also this 3rd party, do you judge their intent on what your wife says or how you would act yourself?
    I'm not suggesting all men are dogs, but there's a few out there.

    I went through a similari-ish thing a couple of years ago. My partner was a senior engineer with an Edinburgh based consultancy, she was head hunted by an ex-colleague that knew her fairly well. They went for coffee more than once and when I asked how the "interview" was going she conceded they mostly just talked on a social, not professional level.
    I suggested the other guy was at it, what she heard was "I think you're cheating!",,,,I had to convince her that not all men (or women) see a wedding band as a problem!
    In the end I basically said I wasn't happy and could live with being paranoid & jealous if that's what it was.
    Turns out it wasn't, the guy made it clear there was no job on the table and he was definitely fishing.
    It wasn't all bad though, wife got a bit of a wake up call and approached her own work for a pay rise, ended up getting an Associates position, she's now too busy to see me never mind anyone else ;)

  7. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by speedy_gonzales View Post
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    I can understand you not being happy, there's an element of dishonest/secretive behaviour. There's also this 3rd party, do you judge their intent on what your wife says or how you would act yourself?
    I'm not suggesting all men are dogs, but there's a few out there.

    I went through a similari-ish thing a couple of years ago. My partner was a senior engineer with an Edinburgh based consultancy, she was head hunted by an ex-colleague that knew her fairly well. They went for coffee more than once and when I asked how the "interview" was going she conceded they mostly just talked on a social, not professional level.
    I suggested the other guy was at it, what she heard was "I think you're cheating!",,,,I had to convince her that not all men (or women) see a wedding band as a problem!
    In the end I basically said I wasn't happy and could live with being paranoid & jealous if that's what it was.
    Turns out it wasn't, the guy made it clear there was no job on the table and he was definitely fishing.
    It wasn't all bad though, wife got a bit of a wake up call and approached her own work for a pay rise, ended up getting an Associates position, she's now too busy to see me never mind anyone else ;)
    Glad it worked out.

    My wife works till 9 most nights often later.

    I'd never heard of this guy. She says things like " he doesn't fancy me" How does she know? Ive asked her but she never said.

    I said she should maybe drop him. No. I said I was very uncomfortable with this..Nope. I said i felt threatened and she said go if you want to i will be fine on my own.
    It's all a bit surreal. Typing it out makes me uncomfortable.

    I'm around and at home a lot so do domestic stuff. I have this picture of me loading the dishwasher or something while they work and play. Maybe its me!!

  8. #7
    Scottish Cup Victory - Witness 2016 Scouse Hibby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stuart-farquhar View Post
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    On Sunday about 4 my wife said she haf a client interested in some business and was meeting for coffee ten miles away.

    i discovered on her return much later she had no paperwork and couldn't n the info available done anything at all. Basically a call or text would have been enough.

    later after my querying her she said it was an old colleague.

    Then a male colleague. He is single and ages with her. I then discover they text. Then they pub it every Friday. Then she says they are close friends. I say im not happy at all with this.She says not negotiable. Then i discover he might be moving to her work and be her partner in the office.

    TBH i ain't happy
    Any thoughts?
    I wouldn't have a problem with my wife meeting an old colleague or friend for an occasional coffee or drink. There is no way I would be happy with her disclosing that it has in fact been a regular Friday pub date and that they might be working together in the future. I trust my wife implicitly but this secretive meeting of another male in a pub would tell me the trust has been broken and I would firmly believe that trouble was afoot. Especially if she gave me a non negotiable response.
    "If a player is not interfering with play or seeking to gain
    an advantage, then he should be."

  9. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Scouse Hibee View Post
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    I wouldn't have a problem with my wife meeting an old colleague or friend for an occasional coffee or drink. There is no way I would be happy with her disclosing that it has in fact been a regular Friday pub date and that they might be working together in the future. I trust my wife implicitly but this secretive meeting of another male in a pub would tell me the trust has been broken and I would firmly believe that trouble was afoot. Especially if she gave me a non negotiable response.
    Ta

  10. #9
    Coaching Staff HUTCHYHIBBY's Avatar
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    The situation certainly merits a Steward's (or Stuart's) Enquiry.

  11. #10
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    when I read this a couple of things came to mind..

    firstly, having a friend of the opposite sex you connect with socially - is fine - as long as there is integrity on both sides..why not..

    Secondly, The deceit though sits more uncomfortably..why a Sunday meeting? What couldn't wait until the next time they caught up? And why not tell the truth? What has driven the behaviour of concealing this friendship until you challenged her about it? That feels the least healthy bit of this situation.

    Good luck in working it through .
    Last edited by bigwheel; 06-06-2017 at 03:37 PM.

  12. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by bigwheel View Post
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    when I read this a couple of things came to mind..

    firstly, have a friend of the opposite sex you connect with socially - is fine - as long as there is integrity on both sides..why not..

    Secondly, The deceit though sits more uncomfortably..why a Sunday meeting? What couldn't wait until the next time they caught up? And why not tell the truth? What has driven the behaviour of concealing this friendship until you challenged her about it? That feels the least healthy bit of this situation.

    Good luck in working it through .
    Thanks again

    The sunday thing was funny i suppose. There was showering make up perfume etc all to go to a bogus meeting. Like I would never know!

  13. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by stuart-farquhar View Post
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    Glad it worked out.

    My wife works till 9 most nights often later.

    I'd never heard of this guy. She says things like " he doesn't fancy me" How does she know? Ive asked her but she never said.

    I said she should maybe drop him. No. I said I was very uncomfortable with this..Nope. I said i felt threatened and she said go if you want to i will be fine on my own.
    It's all a bit surreal. Typing it out makes me uncomfortable.

    I'm around and at home a lot so do domestic stuff. I have this picture of me loading the dishwasher or something while they work and play. Maybe its me!!
    My opinion on the comment of 'Go if you want to, I will be fine on my own' suggests to me she wants out, but wants you to be the one to do it. Im sorry for what your saying as to me she clearly doesnt care about you or your feelings if you have found this secretive meeting out but she refuses to see how it looks from your perspective.
    Obviously im no expert and could be wrong, but I suggest sitting down and chatting with her, dont get angry, even if she does and try to sort things out. If she has no interest in sorting things out or talking then im afraid if it was me I would tell her its maybe time up.

  14. #13
    Coaching Staff HUTCHYHIBBY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibee87 View Post
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    My opinion on the comment of 'Go if you want to, I will be fine on my own' suggests to me she wants out, but wants you to be the one to do it. Im sorry for what your saying as to me she clearly doesnt care about you or your feelings if you have found this secretive meeting out but she refuses to see how it looks from your perspective.
    Obviously im no expert and could be wrong, but I suggest sitting down and chatting with her, dont get angry, even if she does and try to sort things out. If she has no interest in sorting things out or talking then im afraid if it was me I would tell her its maybe time up.
    I concur, particularly if no kids are involved.

  15. #14
    You say she works till 9 most nights -what time does she start work and what does she work as?

  16. #15
    @hibs.net proletariat member Pete's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hibee87 View Post
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    My opinion on the comment of 'Go if you want to, I will be fine on my own' suggests to me she wants out, but wants you to be the one to do it. Im sorry for what your saying as to me she clearly doesnt care about you or your feelings if you have found this secretive meeting out but she refuses to see how it looks from your perspective.
    Obviously im no expert and could be wrong, but I suggest sitting down and chatting with her, dont get angry, even if she does and try to sort things out. If she has no interest in sorting things out or talking then im afraid if it was me I would tell her its maybe time up.
    Agree.

    No time for a long answer but your wife should be respecting your feelings a bit more if she loved you.

    Ask yourself honestly if you're being too posessive and if you aren't, you need to start laying down some ultimatums yourself.

    No matter who you are you don't deserve to be messed about and you have to respect yourself. Life will go on if it doesn't work out.

  17. #16
    Promising Youngster Alfiembra's Avatar
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    I think it's time to get a bit smarter about the whole situation.


    If I was in your position there are several things I'd try.


    Ask her out for a romantic date or weekend away, see how ready she is to spend time with you. But as I say try and be smart about it, don't make it at a time you know she would have a ready excuse for not going. And if she does keep fending you off ask her what are her reasons for it. Are they plausible, the more convoluted and outrageous they sound the more likely there could be something going on.


    Ask her about holidays "where are we going this year?"


    If she says she's just going round to her pals tell her "I could do with a bit of fresh air I'll drop you off" or "I'll come too" and see what sort of reaction you get.


    I also find women are thick as thieves with their pals and she will be getting all sorts of advice good and bad from them.


    Hope you can resolve things and get an outcome that suits you.

  18. #17
    @hibs.net private member lord bunberry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stuart-farquhar View Post
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    Thanks again

    The sunday thing was funny i suppose. There was showering make up perfume etc all to go to a bogus meeting. Like I would never know!
    I think you need to ask yourself what you think is going on. If someone in a relationship tells you to leave if you want, that's breaking up with you imo.
    You need to talk to her.

    GIRLS DONT LIKE BOYS GIRLS LIKE SIMON MURRAY

  19. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Alfiembra View Post
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    I think it's time to get a bit smarter about the whole situation.


    If I was in your position there are several things I'd try.


    Ask her out for a romantic date or weekend away, see how ready she is to spend time with you. But as I say try and be smart about it, don't make it at a time you know she would have a ready excuse for not going. And if she does keep fending you off ask her what are her reasons for it. Are they plausible, the more convoluted and outrageous they sound the more likely there could be something going on.


    Ask her about holidays "where are we going this year?"


    If she says she's just going round to her pals tell her "I could do with a bit of fresh air I'll drop you off" or "I'll come too" and see what sort of reaction you get.


    I also find women are thick as thieves with their pals and she will be getting all sorts of advice good and bad from them.


    Hope you can resolve things and get an outcome that suits you.
    I've tried a fair bit of that. Will maybe have a final go.

  20. #19
    She's behaved in a dishonest way. She lied to you about who she was meeting and it appears she has been dishonest about these Friday meet ups as well. I've obviously no idea about the history of your realtionship but that sets alarms bells ringing to me.

    Why did she choose to lie about who she was meeting? Why has she never mentioned these Friday pub trips before? How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

    You need to have 'the' chat and you need to be prepared for her to try and turn it on you, that's my past experience of how these things tend to go. If it's all innocent she had no reason to lie and she needs to respect your feelings going forward. There is no such thing as 'non negotiable' in a relationship imo, compromise is everything.

    Personally I have female friends who I meet semi regularly and it's no issue because I'm honest about it, my girlfriend does likewise with male friends. If either of us starts trying to hide it that's when an issue arises, again imo, and that's where you are now.

  21. #20
    @hibs.net private member snooky's Avatar
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    I'm no Marjorie Proops but, the negative tone in her responses is speaking volumes to me.
    Line in the sand time.

  22. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by ColinNish View Post
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    You say she works till 9 most nights -what time does she start work and what does she work as?
    Out at 8.30. She has deadlines i know. Often simply has to be there. Although today i offered lunch, meet on a break and finally meet after work. All not possible. She is giving a friend a lift apparently and I'm not welcome.

  23. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Pretty Boy View Post
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    She's behaved in a dishonest way. She lied to you about who she was meeting and it appears she has been dishonest about these Friday meet ups as well. I've obviously no idea about the history of your realtionship but that sets alarms bells ringing to me.

    Why did she choose to lie about who she was meeting? Why has she never mentioned these Friday pub trips before? How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

    You need to have 'the' chat and you need to be prepared for her to try and turn it on you, that's my past experience of how these things tend to go. If it's all innocent she had no reason to lie and she needs to respect your feelings going forward. There is no such thing as 'non negotiable' in a relationship imo, compromise is everything.

    Personally I have female friends who I meet semi regularly and it's no issue because I'm honest about it, my girlfriend does likewise with male friends. If either of us starts trying to hide it that's when an issue arises, again imo, and that's where you are now.
    I have no issue with casual opposite sex friends. I have loads. It's the close friendly /bestie thing that i don't get. plus of course I'd never heard of him.

  24. #23
    Coaching Staff HUTCHYHIBBY's Avatar
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    If there are no bairns involved it might be time to call it a day, if there are, that obviously complicates things a tad to say the least.

  25. #24
    Sorry mate but she is at it. Time to have one more go at a sit down conversation. If this gets you nowhere then you need to decide what you want, not trying to second guess her.

  26. #25
    Thanks for all replies. It's an interesting topic when you're not in the middle of it. I had confusion, a bit anger, then a bit of wtf! Now I'm a bit cooler. TBH I've been up two nights hardly eaten and still not in the least tired.

    Ready for action!!

    Thanks again

  27. #26
    Try and 'keep the heidí. If she won't talk, write down all of the questions you would like an answer for and give them to her in the morning.

    Tbh, I would be tempted to ask for an invite to Friday drinks and confront both.

  28. #27
    @hibs.net private member Jack's Avatar
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    Dishonesty.

    "Not negotiable"

    How (un)happy are you likely to become in coming months maybe years?

    I appreciate different people work in different ways.

    It wouldn't work for me but one of my good mates must have had a similar conversation almost 50 years ago. Although you've not suggested it I can say my friend enjoys a very 'open' relationship and they're still very happily married to this day!
    Space to let

  29. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by beensaidbefore View Post
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    Try and 'keep the heidí. If she won't talk, write down all of the questions you would like an answer for and give them to her in the morning.

    Tbh, I would be tempted to ask for an invite to Friday drinks and confront both.
    Im very much not welcome. I intend a bit of surveillance over the coming weeks though.

  30. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by stuart-farquhar View Post
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    Im very much not welcome. I intend a bit of surveillance over the coming weeks though.
    Good shout. Keep the heid applies even more in this scenario! Try not to torment yourself in the meantime mate.

  31. #30
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    Could you join her and the other guy at the pub?


    Edit: just noticed that this has been covered.

    Doesn't look good, imho. Would probably be telling her to bolt.

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