On Sunday about 4 my wife said she haf a client interested in some business and was meeting for coffee ten miles away.
i discovered on her return much later she had no paperwork and couldn't n the info available done anything at all. Basically a call or text would have been enough.
later after my querying her she said it was an old colleague.
Then a male colleague. He is single and ages with her. I then discover they text. Then they pub it every Friday. Then she says they are close friends. I say im not happy at all with this.She says not negotiable. Then i discover he might be moving to her work and be her partner in the office.
TBH i ain't happy
Any thoughts?
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06-06-2017 12:49 PM #1
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Spouse behaviour. Opinions wanted
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06-06-2017 01:04 PM #2
Wow, was half-expecting a "Pet Peeves" style thread when I saw the title.
Has she offered any explanation as to why she lied to you initially? Have you had any issues previously with accusations of infidelity?
I ask mainly because, had she been 100% honest from the start with the information you've since discovered, I personally wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she felt the need to conceal it strikes me as being odd.
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06-06-2017 01:14 PM #3
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06-06-2017 01:40 PM #4This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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06-06-2017 02:10 PM #5
I can understand you not being happy, there's an element of dishonest/secretive behaviour. There's also this 3rd party, do you judge their intent on what your wife says or how you would act yourself?
I'm not suggesting all men are dogs, but there's a few out there.
I went through a similari-ish thing a couple of years ago. My partner was a senior engineer with an Edinburgh based consultancy, she was head hunted by an ex-colleague that knew her fairly well. They went for coffee more than once and when I asked how the "interview" was going she conceded they mostly just talked on a social, not professional level.
I suggested the other guy was at it, what she heard was "I think you're cheating!",,,,I had to convince her that not all men (or women) see a wedding band as a problem!
In the end I basically said I wasn't happy and could live with being paranoid & jealous if that's what it was.
Turns out it wasn't, the guy made it clear there was no job on the table and he was definitely fishing.
It wasn't all bad though, wife got a bit of a wake up call and approached her own work for a pay rise, ended up getting an Associates position, she's now too busy to see me never mind anyone else ;)
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06-06-2017 02:30 PM #6
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My wife works till 9 most nights often later.
I'd never heard of this guy. She says things like " he doesn't fancy me" How does she know? Ive asked her but she never said.
I said she should maybe drop him. No. I said I was very uncomfortable with this..Nope. I said i felt threatened and she said go if you want to i will be fine on my own.
It's all a bit surreal. Typing it out makes me uncomfortable.
I'm around and at home a lot so do domestic stuff. I have this picture of me loading the dishwasher or something while they work and play. Maybe its me!!
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06-06-2017 03:23 PM #7This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
Obviously im no expert and could be wrong, but I suggest sitting down and chatting with her, dont get angry, even if she does and try to sort things out. If she has no interest in sorting things out or talking then im afraid if it was me I would tell her its maybe time up.
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06-06-2017 03:28 PM #8This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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06-06-2017 03:43 PM #9This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
No time for a long answer but your wife should be respecting your feelings a bit more if she loved you.
Ask yourself honestly if you're being too posessive and if you aren't, you need to start laying down some ultimatums yourself.
No matter who you are you don't deserve to be messed about and you have to respect yourself. Life will go on if it doesn't work out.
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06-06-2017 04:27 PM #10
I think it's time to get a bit smarter about the whole situation.
If I was in your position there are several things I'd try.
Ask her out for a romantic date or weekend away, see how ready she is to spend time with you. But as I say try and be smart about it, don't make it at a time you know she would have a ready excuse for not going. And if she does keep fending you off ask her what are her reasons for it. Are they plausible, the more convoluted and outrageous they sound the more likely there could be something going on.
Ask her about holidays "where are we going this year?"
If she says she's just going round to her pals tell her "I could do with a bit of fresh air I'll drop you off" or "I'll come too" and see what sort of reaction you get.
I also find women are thick as thieves with their pals and she will be getting all sorts of advice good and bad from them.
Hope you can resolve things and get an outcome that suits you.
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06-06-2017 02:30 PM #11This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
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06-06-2017 02:41 PM #12
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06-06-2017 03:06 PM #14
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when I read this a couple of things came to mind..
firstly, having a friend of the opposite sex you connect with socially - is fine - as long as there is integrity on both sides..why not..
Secondly, The deceit though sits more uncomfortably..why a Sunday meeting? What couldn't wait until the next time they caught up? And why not tell the truth? What has driven the behaviour of concealing this friendship until you challenged her about it? That feels the least healthy bit of this situation.
Good luck in working it through .Last edited by bigwheel; 06-06-2017 at 03:37 PM.
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06-06-2017 03:19 PM #15
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The sunday thing was funny i suppose. There was showering make up perfume etc all to go to a bogus meeting. Like I would never know!
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06-06-2017 04:40 PM #16This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
You need to talk to her.
United we stand here....
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06-06-2017 03:34 PM #17
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You say she works till 9 most nights -what time does she start work and what does she work as?
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06-06-2017 04:45 PM #18
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06-06-2017 04:43 PM #19
She's behaved in a dishonest way. She lied to you about who she was meeting and it appears she has been dishonest about these Friday meet ups as well. I've obviously no idea about the history of your realtionship but that sets alarms bells ringing to me.
Why did she choose to lie about who she was meeting? Why has she never mentioned these Friday pub trips before? How would she feel if the roles were reversed?
You need to have 'the' chat and you need to be prepared for her to try and turn it on you, that's my past experience of how these things tend to go. If it's all innocent she had no reason to lie and she needs to respect your feelings going forward. There is no such thing as 'non negotiable' in a relationship imo, compromise is everything.
Personally I have female friends who I meet semi regularly and it's no issue because I'm honest about it, my girlfriend does likewise with male friends. If either of us starts trying to hide it that's when an issue arises, again imo, and that's where you are now.
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06-06-2017 04:48 PM #20
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06-06-2017 04:49 PM #21
If there are no bairns involved it might be time to call it a day, if there are, that obviously complicates things a tad to say the least.
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06-06-2017 04:52 PM #22
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Sorry mate but she is at it. Time to have one more go at a sit down conversation. If this gets you nowhere then you need to decide what you want, not trying to second guess her.
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06-06-2017 04:52 PM #23
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Thanks for all replies. It's an interesting topic when you're not in the middle of it. I had confusion, a bit anger, then a bit of wtf! Now I'm a bit cooler. TBH I've been up two nights hardly eaten and still not in the least tired.
Ready for action!!
Thanks again
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06-06-2017 04:59 PM #24
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Try and 'keep the heid’. If she won't talk, write down all of the questions you would like an answer for and give them to her in the morning.
Tbh, I would be tempted to ask for an invite to Friday drinks and confront both.
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06-06-2017 05:07 PM #25
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06-06-2017 06:20 PM #26
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06-06-2017 04:59 PM #27
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Dishonesty.
"Not negotiable"
How (un)happy are you likely to become in coming months maybe years?
I appreciate different people work in different ways.
It wouldn't work for me but one of my good mates must have had a similar conversation almost 50 years ago. Although you've not suggested it I can say my friend enjoys a very 'open' relationship and they're still very happily married to this day!Space to let
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06-06-2017 07:01 PM #28
Could you join her and the other guy at the pub?
Edit: just noticed that this has been covered.
Doesn't look good, imho. Would probably be telling her to bolt.
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06-06-2017 07:48 PM #29
I think you either know or you don't. I think from your replies, deep down you already know what's going on.
Even if there is nothing I think you now will suspect things. She's broken your trust.
I wish you luck.
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06-06-2017 07:56 PM #30
Tremendous thread. I pop on for latest re Stokes or restaurant review and I find this.
.net soap opera....friends with benefits...casual sex references. You won't get this on Pie and Bovril.
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